Abstaining from sex, is it normal?

[Think About It...]

Can anyone tell me if it's a normal trait for a pw BPD.

For the  last 8 months I've had my (lover, or maybe not) telling me he is deeply in love hook line and sinker with me, I have felt he is just clinging on to me to fuel his ego and to avoid that rejection he so fears.
He has made no effort to initiate any meetings which may lead to sex, instead, only short meetings, in public places , and constant texting contact. He is constantly telling me he needs to be with me and near me, or just to hold me.

In the beginning he had erection problems which did raise red flags to me, but I put it down to nerves. I soon realised that when he did manage to have full sex, he either had retarded ejaculation, or could not maintian an erection, there were times when he had no problems but he would not lose his erection in between different positions. I wondered if he may be taking meds to help, and indeed I did eventually get from him that he was on meds.
I have looked into the Madonna /whore complex because it has bothered me so much, and I am wondering if this is common with BPD?

He really does come across as being sincere when he says he loves me deeply, but these loss of erection times used to be upon penetration, it has recently happened just when I tried to touch him intimately.
Has anyone else experienced this?

I am beginning to feel he is taking me for a fool just for the ego boost. I did catch him out  with another woman, a lot of heartbreak later, he still keeps telling me I am the love of his life and he can't bear to lose me or let me go.

I love him so much, but there is only so much I can take, I have questioned him on it and now he seems to be backing off, yet just hanging in there.

I am feeling almost done over this, it hurts so damn much, the confusion and contradictions are heartbreaking and I can't think of anything else.

Is it possible he could feel love towards me and that is why he can't have sex with me anymore?

[Peterpan]

Can anyone tell me if it's a normal trait for a pw BPD.

For the  last 8 months I've had my (lover, or maybe not) telling me he is deeply in love hook line and sinker with me, I have felt he is just clinging on to me to fuel his ego and to avoid that rejection he so fears.
He has made no effort to initiate any meetings which may lead to sex, instead, only short meetings, in public places , and constant texting contact. He is constantly telling me he needs to be with me and near me, or just to hold me.

In the beginning he had erection problems which did raise red flags to me, but I put it down to nerves. I soon realised that when he did manage to have full sex, he either had retarded ejaculation, or could not maintian an erection, there were times when he had no problems but he would not lose his erection in between different positions. I wondered if he may be taking meds to help, and indeed I did eventually get from him that he was on meds.
I have looked into the Madonna /whore complex because it has bothered me so much, and I am wondering if this is common with BPD?

He really does come across as being sincere when he says he loves me deeply, but these loss of erection times used to be upon penetration, it has recently happened just when I tried to touch him intimately.
Has anyone else experienced this?

I am beginning to feel he is taking me for a fool just for the ego boost. I did catch him out  with another woman, a lot of heartbreak later, he still keeps telling me I am the love of his life and he can't bear to lose me or let me go.

I love him so much, but there is only so much I can take, I have questioned him on it and now he seems to be backing off, yet just hanging in there.

I am feeling almost done over this, it hurts so damn much, the confusion and contradictions are heartbreaking and I can't think of anything else.

Is it possible he could feel love towards me and that is why he can't have sex with me anymore?

[tflbhs]

Hi and I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm having a rough go myself. Is your partner on a particular medication that may be causing the intimacy issues? I have gone through similar troubles as my beloved wife has been diagnosed with BPD and meds were a factor. Also, we are a female couple and she had affairs with men. When we were back together after a period of no-contact recently, she also wanted to abstain from sex. For myself, the love we shared was enough to put sex second for a while. Every situation is unique. And it sounds like you really care and want to learn and help. There is so much help on this board so keep posting and I wish you all the best. 

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[rickstone]

hi peterpan;

on the surface it seems your bf just has ED.  many men have this and it can be very embarrassing and interfere with sex
not only physically but emotionally.  im sure you know this.  im also assuming you do everything you can to help his self confidence
and ESPECIALLY do not express your frustration with him or it will lead to his anxiety and further compound the situation.
Do everything you can to bolster his self confidence and ego.  you probably are already.

but you know what?  there may be soemthing going on beyond ED.  most of the members here talk about the amazing incredible sex with BPD in the begining to get you hooked.  and once you are, they use sex for control only or withold it altogether.

in other words, sex is NOT about intimacy with true BPD which they are terrified of.  its about control.

my situation is polar opposite.  my BPD gf was terrified of me and sex.  she could not even show herself.  i believe she equated sex with intimacy and it was her last refuge of control.  i beleive that she really IS terrified of sex because of how men have treated her
and it is the only thing she has to truly share that she witholds,  sort of a last stronghold she will not give up.  it is the ultimate in it
intimacy to her.  her way of making sure there is always a distance. 

it doesnt really sound like your bf fits this category but perhaps, just perhaps there is something like this going on

[Peterpan]

Thankyou Rickstone,

He is my 'supposed' married lover of 18 months.

In the beginning it was fairly good sex (when he took Viagra) He couldn't keep an erection without it on full sex, but was always perfectly okay during oral sex or with hands (sorry to be so graphic) but it may help for my answers.

He was always hypersexual, with a near constant erection even during normal activities,. I only had to look at him and he would have one. It really was just on penetration. He would say it was because he had me on a pedestal, I was a goddess to him.

Yes I always talked to him, encouraged him, praised him, told him how gorgeous and sexy he was, but all to no avail.

He has now witheld it altogether, even avoiding meetings which may lead to it. One time he drove me miles out of town to our favourite place knowing he wouldn't be able to, telling me " I wanted to try it without meds) I was devastated at that point. He hasn't tried since in eight months!, and the last time I touched him he lost it as well.

I could have understood if it had started to happen after he conquered me, but it happened on our first time?  and only really got worse after that. In ten months we only made love properly five times.

I could understand it if I was his wife of many years (where boredom can set in) but not as his lover?

[Rise]

Peterpan,
I don't want this to sound as preachy as it's going to come out (I'm really not trying to judge, just trying to offer a possible reason why), but I'm not sure how else to phrase the question...

Any chance he just feels guilty that he's having an affair with you?

[Peterpan]

Thankyou for the frank question, and of course I thought that myself at first, I even worried that he may be worried about his performance, all the usual stuff, but on talking about it,asking if he felt guilty, he did tell me he had needed meds for the previous two years with his wife as well, it had happened out of the blue, he didn't know why. That is why I looked into the Madonna/whore complex.

Clearly (if he was not lying) that was why it seemed odd to me that it also happened with a new lover, one who he confided in, said he trusted completely, etc.

[OnceConfused]

I don't think the sex stuff here is related to his BPD but more on the combination of psychological and physiological stuffs. Perhaps because he lacks certain enzymes that keep the erection (without constant manipulation) and so his ego is bruised in a big way and that is why he is trying to avoid sex with you.

having said that, I am surprised that he is not using viagra which he previously used.

I wonder why you feel he is using you as a ego boost. Are you referring to him using you as a TROPHY GF?

Like in all things, you will have to evaluate the r.s based on your needs and wants.  If you want a marriage then you will have to assess his conditions as a husband to you. If you have sex only 5 times in 8 months and I assume you both are in your 30 to 40 then, perhaps it will go down more after marriage. Is that what you want ? If it is not what you want, then you need to have the courage to say, let us be free so that we don't waste our time.

[andywho]

I don't think the sex stuff here is related to his BPD but more on the combination of psychological and physiological stuffs. Perhaps because he lacks certain enzymes that keep the erection (without constant manipulation) and so his ego is bruised in a big way and that is why he is trying to avoid sex with you.

I have to agree here. Maybe sharing a bit too much with you guyse now. But i have had this happen to me periods of my life. Im not BPD (as i know of). But at times i have periods where this would happen. I found out that the times it happens is when im personally under alot of stress from our RS... or of course other things in life may have an impact aswell.

My experience is that when this first happens once i panic and get stressed of by the tought of this happening again. So the next time after a failed erection im really stressed out... what if it happens again? Just the tought of it happening again makes it happen. Its like when i tell you not to think of an elephant... you will think about an elephant.


When this happens i start to sweat alot and all my hornyness goes *pooof*... gone. Have to work alot with myself when this happens. In the end i usually just get mad at myself and tell myself to get a grip "WTH man.. you are gonna have sec with this georgous girl laying next to to you.. you want to or not?*


But of course.. this might just me and prolly wont work for everyone. Point is... it doesnt have to be a BPD trait.


Andy

[Joseph54]

Yes, if he is religious and his faith teaches no intercourse before marraige he would be like that. Does he say why he is no longer having sex with you?

Joe

[Rise]

But of course.. this might just me and prolly wont work for everyone. Point is... it doesnt have to be a BPD trait.

Just to throw cliche bro-support out there, it's not just you. It happens to a lot of guys at one point or another(myself included), we just don't want to own up to it. Honestly, it's a bit humiliating, and the fear of humiliation feeds itself. While it may not be to the same level as women, emotional state does still affect men when it comes to sex, and if we don't feel safe and secure, it can be just as tough for us to be intimate.

[andywho]

But of course.. this might just me and prolly wont work for everyone. Point is... it doesnt have to be a BPD trait.

While it may not be to the same level as women, emotional state does still affect men when it comes to sex, and if we don't feel safe and secure, it can be just as tough for us to be intimate.

Exactly... We are not sexmachines (even tho it might seem so at times), thank you mate.

Andy

[losingconfidence]

Abstaining for sex is normal, period, just like having sex is normal. I don't think there's really a wrong amount of sex to want or to have so long as the choice you're making is based on what's best for you and not based on fear/holding onto issues. A person not having sex can be healthy just like a person having sex can be healthy. I am a believer in asexuality, though, and I know not everyone on this site is.

That being said, it sounds like this guy is okay with sex in general but can't really connect sex and intimacy. He's off with random people, he's not committing himself sexually to this relationship. That is a common BPD trait - abstaining within the relationship but having meaningless sex elsewhere. He may sincerely love you, but have trouble connecting that love with sex. Maybe they don't connect for him and aren't going to. Maybe they can connect for him with work. I have known some people who say that sex and intimacy just aren't one and the same for them. Some of those people have been happy. Others haven't. I think ultimately you need to find out where he stands. Does he want sex, but lack the confidence/ability to do so? Or, does he dislike sex? Why is he going off with these other people? I know it can be a mess with BPD because their wants and needs fluctuate so quickly. Whatever happens, know that the problem isn't you being un-sexy or un-romantic in most cases. It's probably his own issue to work out. Whatever his desires and needs are, it is his responsibility to communicate them to you, rather than keeping you guessing. I am a sexual trauma survivor, and I am always upfront with people that I do not want sex. If they are okay with that, they stay. If not, they leave, and I leave it up to them.

I think the more important question, rather than asking "is it normal" is to ask if it's something you can live with in a relationship. Even if 99% of all people in the world suddenly didn't want sex, if a non-sexual relationship does not meet your needs it does not matter who's "normal" or who's "right." What matters is that you two are operating on different wavelengths and are not experiencing compatible levels of or approaches to sexual desire.

[exbpdgf]

Sex (or lack there-of) was a HUGE issue in my relationship with my ex uBPD. As many have said it was great in the beginning, but after about 6 weeks, BAM the door shut, never to be re-opened except when I would try to leave the relationship. In 9 years, we tried 4 therapists including a sex therapist. The lack of progress with the sex therapist really got my attention. I saw my gf stymy all of it and I saw first hand the level of unworked out trauma my gf had. I have quite a bit of trauma in my background, so I was the uber-understanding girlfriend, for quite a while. But I noticed that over time, nothing was changing on this topic, despite my requests.

The last time I tried to leave (about a year before final breakup), I told my gf it was over and I came home, we had sex (which she seemed to really enjoy). I knew that was "whacked" and afterwards I told her very calmly that I would stay only if she got therapy (that typical uBPD going to therapy under threat of ultimatum moment).

In the end, THIS was the major issue that led to me ending my relationship with my exgf, not knowing at the time she was BPD. My T has slowly helped me sort out all the other problems/drama/abuse I was living with due to uBPD, not just sexual witholding.

Now I get it and understand that for many reasons (lack of consistent sense of self, emotional lability, need for control),  sex with intimacy can be difficult, perhaps impossible for folks with BPD (not working recovery that is).

I read a book after my breakup,"too good to leave, too bad to stay" that really helped me sort out that I'd made the right decision (again all before I began to unravel the fact that my ex is uBPD).

So yes, sexual difficulties esp. in intimate relationships can be a   , that is accompany BPD (but like others have said may be about other things too).

[Parrot Pill]

This has been a major issue in my r/s as well. We've been married for 10 years but have had almost no sex for the past 9. (wow. Writing that just blew my mind. I guess I haven't done the math before). Whenever we talk about it it becomes clear that it is a big problem for me but something that he doesn't seem to really notice. In fact, once when I said that I didn't think I could stay in a r/s with no sex he said "of course. I mean, that's not even a marriage if there's no sex". It really left me scratching my head bc he is just not available for sex. There are also functional issues, which I think are related to his antidepressants, but the apparent total lack of interest, coupled with either active avoidance or "subconscious sabotage" (forgetting to buy condoms for our anniversary trip when he had specifically told me he would do so, forgetting that I have a latex allergy and using a latex condom, putting off the vasectomy that he said he wanted for YEARS, then waiting another YEAR to submit sample for confirmation, turnIng and walking out if the room when I bring up the topic, then having no memory of that) ugh, when I write it all out I can't believe I'm still here, and that I've honored his demands for fidelity.
Still, I wanted to say that I think there are lots if ways sexual issues show up with pwBPD. I remember something in SWOE about people who had lived without sex for many years in order to stay in relationships with pwBPD. I do think the important thing for you (and, obviously for me as well) is not to spend so much time figuring out what it means to the pwBPD but instead, as other posters have said, to figure out what is important to you and what that means for your relationship. It seems obvious that lack of sex in a sexual relationship could be a deal breaker for plenty of people.
PP

[painter]

My exBPDgf used to tell me that she felt no connection between sex and love. After the honeymoon phase she would only have sex when she was in the (for her) rare mood to have it, and she used sex as a means of control. Whenever I initiated sex it set off a severe BPD episode.

[gina louise]

PeterPan,
My H had a short term affair that lasted mere weeks with a married woman, months before we met.
I was his rebound.   

He confided to me that he had continual ED issues while being intimate with her...and it frustrated him (and her, I bet). He would also experience splitting headaches after or during sex-and no, he didn't use viagra or any meds at all.
 
I believe for him it was a combination of guilt, performance anxiety (he said she was drop dead gorgeous) and other stuff in his own head.

One of the reasons he chose to have a LT r/s with me (and finally marry me) was that he never had those ED experiences with me, and rarely got the headache. After the first few weeks/months together he NEVER got the headaches again. It's been over 3 years now and we have no sex issues, thankfully.
I wish all parts of our r/s worked that well!

GL

[sunnywind]

my ex used to withold sex ,and any  physical touching too ("dont touch me " )for months on end.   i believe it was to force me to look elsewhere for sex  and affection and in the end i did.  the woman i turned to was appalled at how id been treated  

  of course that then gave  my ex  plenty of emotional ammo to use against me once she saw i was looking very happy for once . Thing is i never once felt guilty as i had been pushed to the very limit of emotional endurance by her mind games

 i had a nagging feeling she was seeing somebody else for sex at these times too,as she would bring up subjects such as STD testing  in everyday chat

[Pixie-Dust]

Abstaining from sex, is it normal?

It is with my BPD/NPD! His famous line comes from a famous MC Hammer song 

He's very twisted. He tries to put guilt trips on me for not having enough sex, when in reality he is the one withholding! And I'm talking months on end without anything! When I try to flirt, he says "don't touch me!", or "you can't touch me" or sings that stupid mc hammer song at me.  ?

I've come to the conclusion that he doesn't need it (at least with a real human), and that he has no need for love/affection or any ability to give love authentically and he's a controller.

Sex was much more frequent when I was his doormat.