Sms from my GF - Continued

[Think About It...]

Continued from http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?PHPSESSID=33404bb192208de807e43f85b8b5e408&topic=177187.0



Still tough seeing her like this. She asked me with tears in her eyes how i could be so cold about this. So unaffected.

She said it hurt so much too see me as she wanted to do couple things with me, hug me, kiss me. But knew she couldnt. She said she had to move out to not hurt so much. Seeing me each day would be so painful.

I didnt comment. And i forgot to validate

Andy

[andywho]

Continued from http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?PHPSESSID=33404bb192208de807e43f85b8b5e408&topic=177187.0



Still tough seeing her like this. She asked me with tears in her eyes how i could be so cold about this. So unaffected.

She said it hurt so much too see me as she wanted to do couple things with me, hug me, kiss me. But knew she couldnt. She said she had to move out to not hurt so much. Seeing me each day would be so painful.

I didnt comment. And i forgot to validate

Andy

[Rose Tiger]

    We know you are doing your best in a difficult situation.  She is still pulling out all the stops.  Stay strong.  You can say things like, I understand you must do what you think is best and I'll support that even though it's not what I wish for us.

[andywho]

  We know you are doing your best in a difficult situation.  She is still pulling out all the stops.  Stay strong.  You can say things like, I understand you must do what you think is best and I'll support that even though it's not what I wish for us.

Tnx Rosie... Guess im gonna see how far she will take this. If she take it all the way i will respect that. Her life... her choices. I cant be responsible for her choices.

Andy

[andywho]

New day... said good morning to her.

Is it? Is it really? she asked.


Obviously its my fault that she is leaving me for not getting access to my bank account.


Andy

[Rose Tiger]

    She may be threatening to leave because you are breaking away from an unhealthy enmeshment.

Yes, it's a good morning for you because you are breaking out of the cycle.   

You can't really validate her pokes because it will go right back to the circular argument.  Put on your brave face, stay strong.  Do something nice for yourself, spend time with the kidlet if you can.

[andywho]

She caved... barely can belive  it.

Started by asking me if i told anyone about our break up. I told her no and she asked why. Told her that it hasnt been a priority of mine yet.

She then again asked if i still would not let her have access. And i said that i have told you already that i wont argue wit you over this matter anymore. You have decided to leave me and i have respected that, you should also respect my decision to not give you access. I take responsibility for my action, so i hope you do the same.

She then told me that she would not pressure me more on this and that she would not leave me as she couldnt imagine a life without me as a boyfriend. She couldnt stand the tought of not beeing in a RS with me.

She then asked me what i want... if i wanted her and this RS. Told her... yes.. i love you and i want you and this RS... but not as it is now. Told her that we have alot of work ahead of us if we where to keep our RS going and that she as me had to be prepared for alot of changes from the both of us.

Told me she had been very confused with my behaviour lately, confused by me not going head on with her. And that even tho our conversations had been challenging, and that she has been hurt from my decision on the access and the fact that i was willing to let her go... she had somewhere deep down appreciated that she felt i was listening more to her.

She also hoped that i with time felt i could trust her enough to let her into my account. Told her that i couldnt promise anything... and that the account issue isnt wha was most important to me. That its just one aspect in our RS, and that i felt we had so much more to work on in our RS. Account issue is just one of many issues. And that there are other issues we have that is at least as important an even more important to fix.

Hmmmmm... im a bit surprised with myself aswell. I notice now that the little time i have had on these boards, and reading the lessons over and over again has helped me. I notice also that what i have learned in here is useful not only regarding our RS but also in other aspects of life. What im learning i have also found useful in my interaction with other people in my life.

I am soooo far from perfect... always said so. I have so much to learn... no matter how my RS end up i have learned alot and i feel im growing as person.

Im willing to give this RS a decent chance... using the tools and using all of you amazing people in here.
You have given me so much... if it wasnt for you i would have submissed several days ago. And belive me i have been on the brink of submissing many times this weekend.

Thank you to all of you.

What doesnt kill you, makes you stronger.

Not putting my pink glasses on yet... never know what tomorrow brings with this horrible/wonderful girl in my life. Sometimes i wish she was 100% hopeless... but she isnt. Guess thats why im still around. The good traits.


Andy

[andywho]

  She may be threatening to leave because you are breaking away from an unhealthy enmeshment.

Yes, it's a good morning for you because you are breaking out of the cycle.   

You can't really validate her pokes because it will go right back to the circular argument.  Put on your brave face, stay strong.  Do something nice for yourself, spend time with the kidlet if you can.

And Rosie.. again.. thank you

Thank you for coming back to me again and again. I really cherish your little inputs

Hugs!


Andy

[Steph]

 Excellent!


  As you saw, when YOU make the changes, the dynamics change. As she learns she can no longer threaten or bully you, she will also learn she must manage her behavior in different ways.

 If she is confused or distraught, would she consider a therapist?

Steph

[andywho]

Excellent!


  As you saw, when YOU make the changes, the dynamics change. As she learns she can no longer threaten or bully you, she will also learn she must manage her behavior in different ways.

 If she is confused or distraught, would she consider a therapist?

Steph

Hi Steph.

And thank you for beeing strict with me at times

Our talk today was of course much longer then what i posted. Talked about her reactions and feelings. But i see in her eyes when we talk about it that she sees no fault or something she needs help with. She consider it just the way she is and... well nothing unusual.

But if i manage to follow this path and behave like i do i will with time get maybe lead her on to the tought. I hope so.

Also had a couple of nice ours all four of us afterwards. She was actually communicating with my daughter and having some laughs. Warmed my heart.

Have some questions for the boards and you... but have to do that later. Have to go out now.


Andy

[Eric367]

Andy, good to hear that you are getting back in charge.

Best,

Eric

[Rose Tiger]

Good job, Andy!  That's great! 

[andywho]

Andy, good to hear that you are getting back in charge.

Best,

Eric

Thank you Eric Now would be a good time for those beers... too bad you live so far away.


Andy

[andywho]

Good job, Andy!  That's great! 

Thank you  Rose

I wonder how much this is gonna change our RS... and for how long. I know we now are back in somewhat honeymoon mode... but experience tell me that it wont last. But maybe she have learned what Steph said.. that she cant bully her way to getting trough her will.

Whats you others experience on this? Will she just forget the whole result of this time, and try to do the same in other matters later on? Or will she noe know that the threats dont work on me? After all leaving me must be her ace card... if that dont work.. does she have more aces? Other aces?


Andy

[Dera]

Wow, Andy, I could not have imagined such a good outcome for you! Congratulations, you are strong and should be proud of what you've accomplished for yourself and  your family.

Yes, be prepared there will be stuff in the future, probably even this will come up again, but maybe not in the same way, I hope.

However, celebrate the moment now. You deserve it!

[Rose Tiger]

Besides threatening divorce, my husband would use the silent treatment a lot.  I learned to not let it bug me, and not show him that it bugs me.  Think of it as a break from the craziness. 

[Steph]

If she has BPD, she isnt over it... She remains mentally ill. Yes, it will come up again, or something similar. You know how to handle it.

Stuff is going to resurface over and over again. This is why its important that you continue to read the Lessons, read the boards and be working on YOUR own life vs worrying about her, her illness and emotions.

 Start to get engaged in your own life again

[andywho]

If she has BPD, she isnt over it... She remains mentally ill. Yes, it will come up again, or something similar. You know how to handle it.

Stuff is going to resurface over and over again. This is why its important that you continue to read the Lessons, read the boards and be working on YOUR own life vs worrying about her, her illness and emotions.

 Start to get engaged in your own life again

Start engage in my own life again... she have problems handling this i have noticed.

Went to the cinema with my daughter saturday evening. My gf couldnt understand how i was able to do that when our RS was breaking up. Told her that i promised my daughter to go with her, and that i would not ruin my daughters weekend becaurse she broke up with me.

So glad i vent to the cinema with my daughter,... we had a really good time.

In 2-3 months i will get some answers on how long the peace will last. Seems like she have sort of a build up of emotions that at sometime have to erupt. Is it unstoppable?


Andy

[Steph]

 You cannot stop what goes on inside of her. If she has BPD, she has a mental illness that you cannot control or cure.

All you can do is change your perspectives, your behavior, your way of seeing the situation, the relationship and how you handle her emotions when she puts them on you, or tries

None of what you do will cure her. There is excellent treatment that can, but she has to decide she wants to get better.

Steph

[andywho]

All you can do is change your perspectives, your behavior, your way of seeing the situation, the relationship and how you handle her emotions when she puts them on you, or tries

Runs back to the "Lessons"


Andy

[andywho]

So... 4 days gone since she decided to not leave me.

Im now beeing showered in love and messages about how much she loves me. How its gonna be the two of us forever. That if our RS survived the past weeks it will survive everything.

Seems im back up at the pedestal. Usually i loved that ... but now it somewhat makes me feel a little bit uncomfortable as it seems we have a somewhat different view of our future. Not that i dont commit to the RS... but i have been here before and know from experience that we will end up at bad spot again.

Is it wrong of me to think like this? Or is it just normal that im "careful"? I feel a bit hesistant to lower my sheilds completely... but that also feels unfair towards her if she is really trying to make things good again.

Got this message from her today:

Im not perfect.

Ill annoy you, piss you off, say stupid stuff, and then i take it back.

But put all that aside, you'll never find a girl that cares and loves you more then me.



Its cute tho... but a bit weird getting it from a girl that only a cpouple of days ago was gonna leave me.


Andy

[Blazing Star]

Just replied to you on my resentment thread, but saw this and wanted to add, I think it is totally normal (and healthy) to be careful and cautious and wary of all this love showered on you. And hopefully somewhere in there she would be aware of this? - but who knows, and really that's not the point.

i totally relate to this, and the yearning to drop the shields and yield to this love - oh the fairytale - the lure of happily ever after that has been dangled (in my mind at least, as I admit I am a romantic at heart). And then the rational head steps in to talk over/protect the heart "yep, been here done that, if you love me so much why is this so effing hard, and why do I feel so crap about myself? - that is not love...or is it?"

And also the guilt about perhaps not being fair, when they are 'coming forward' and opening up, it doesn't feel fair to hold back. In any normal relationship were this to happen for whatever reason (a normal arguement/misunderstanding), it would be okay and safe to express this "Honey it feels really good all this loving I am receiving, but please understand that I am feeling a bit wary here, and I may need some time..."etc, but I imagine this could be a trigger for them. And to be honest for me, I find expressing myself so hard that the fear of his reaction would make this really hard!

So yes, normal, trust your gut, be gentle on yourself, keep examining your feelings, they are important markers on your map in this sometimes crazy world!

Love Star

[andywho]

Just replied to you on my resentment thread, but saw this and wanted to add, I think it is totally normal (and healthy) to be careful and cautious and wary of all this love showered on you. And hopefully somewhere in there she would be aware of this? - but who knows, and really that's not the point.

i totally relate to this, and the yearning to drop the shields and yield to this love - oh the fairytale - the lure of happily ever after that has been dangled (in my mind at least, as I admit I am a romantic at heart). And then the rational head steps in to talk over/protect the heart "yep, been here done that, if you love me so much why is this so effing hard, and why do I feel so crap about myself? - that is not love...or is it?"

And also the guilt about perhaps not being fair, when they are 'coming forward' and opening up, it doesn't feel fair to hold back. In any normal relationship were this to happen for whatever reason (a normal arguement/misunderstanding), it would be okay and safe to express this "Honey it feels really good all this loving I am receiving, but please understand that I am feeling a bit wary here, and I may need some time..."etc, but I imagine this could be a trigger for them. And to be honest for me, I find expressing myself so hard that the fear of his reaction would make this really hard!

So yes, normal, trust your gut, be gentle on yourself, keep examining your feelings, they are important markers on your map in this sometimes crazy world!

Love Star

Hello Star

And sorry for late reply from me. Somehow your two posts to me have gone unnoticed.

Thank you for your insightful and comforting words. You seem to understand every little feeling and experience i have had. Again...  The similarities in our lifes, both me/you and the other nons are insane. Sometimes when i read your posts i have to scroll back to be sure that im not reading my own post

Things are still going good in my home... Been okay for a week now and my Gf is still behaving good. She have been very humble and loving the last week. Must have been a shocker for her that i actually was willing to let her go last week and that her ace threat didnt work.

But it also seem that me beeing willing to continue the rs after what she did made her a bit more secure in my feelings for her.

I have for many years seen her as a hard as nails girl... but lately i am able to see trough her more then before and i have discovered that little insecure girl in there... and im glad i discovered her. Its easier for me to handle some of her reactions now when i know so much of it comes from unsecurity and fear. When i notice now that she behaved weird and seem edgy... building something up within herself i now try to give her a kiss/hug/hold around her or tell her i love her. Seems to ease her up and bring a smile up in her face.

I myself is also getting better at not reacting to every little "BPD trait", that also help alot. Learned that i have to choose my battles... Many of them are not worth engaging in, and when i dont engage it seems that she often let it be aswell... i notice that this often make her start pondering... then return to normal.

Im learning alot from you, the others in here and the lessons that i read on almost every day. If our RS will last? I dont know... but if it dont and i know within myself that i did an honest to god good effort it will be easier to accept.

Hugs to you star.

Andy

[xeon]

But put all that aside, you'll never find a girl that cares and loves you more then me.



Its cute tho... but a bit weird getting it from a girl that only a cpouple of days ago was gonna leave me.

It gets less cute as time goes on... that's the thing... until her thought process is for getting help, expect the same.  Tools on this site help you keep your sanity.   

[Mr Mom...]

Ill annoy you, piss you off, say stupid stuff, and then i take it back.

This is her telling you that she WILL do this over and over again. She's also telling you to be strong, hang in there and it'll be OK in the end, that her threats are nothing more than threats.

I've been reading these posts pretty much from the beginning because I'm in a similar situation myself, although I don't live with my G/F. She's on the end of a month long (so far) silent treatment. she seems to be in a push/pull conflict right now - one day she's subtley remorse, the next she's anxious and dismissive, but when i don't jump to her attention and give in to her 'bad moods' she's climbing the ladder of regret again...

I've learn't that you have to stay strong within yourself, believe in yourself and love yourself, all as a priority...you gotta look after #1 first and foremost.

It seems that pwBPD need someone strong and surefooted to keep them grounded, otherwise they just walk all over you and wear you out.

You seem to be doing well with being on the right path towards that, as I am too.

[andywho]

But put all that aside, you'll never find a girl that cares and loves you more then me.



Its cute tho... but a bit weird getting it from a girl that only a cpouple of days ago was gonna leave me.

It gets less cute as time goes on... that's the thing... until her thought process is for getting help, expect the same.  Tools on this site help you keep your sanity.   

I know xeon... and thats the sad part    So as you say... i hope the tools here will help me in the future aswell. At least long enough to be able to take reasonable and sensible choice about our future together.

Even tho we have had a good week no i can sense there is something lurking in there just waiting to get out. Might come from the fact that in two weeks she is gonna have to weeks vacation (kindergarden is closed those weeks) and going to her parents up north. She wants me to come with her.

Thing is that at my work place its not my year to get to choose first when i want my vacation, but there is a possibility that one of my co workers want to change her vacation. If she does i will get her weeks and can join my GF. But this is matters that are out of my hands... i can only hope to get those weeks.

If i dont get those weeks im very unsure how my GF will react... becaurse everytime she ask about these weeks i try to tell her that it is out of my hands and that if i get it we should consider it a bonus. Somehow i get the feeling that if i dont get them... she will blame it on me and feel i dont want to travel with her.

Every day she mention these weeks and how she hopes i will get a vacation the same time as her. Guess i should consider it a positiv thing... but i work on myself to not get stressed by this.

Andy

[andywho]

Ill annoy you, piss you off, say stupid stuff, and then i take it back.

This is her telling you that she WILL do this over and over again. She's also telling you to be strong, hang in there and it'll be OK in the end, that her threats are nothing more than threats.

I've been reading these posts pretty much from the beginning because I'm in a similar situation myself, although I don't live with my G/F. She's on the end of a month long (so far) silent treatment. she seems to be in a push/pull conflict right now - one day she's subtley remorse, the next she's anxious and dismissive, but when i don't jump to her attention and give in to her 'bad moods' she's climbing the ladder of regret again...

I've learn't that you have to stay strong within yourself, believe in yourself and love yourself, all as a priority...you gotta look after #1 first and foremost.

It seems that pwBPD need someone strong and surefooted to keep them grounded, otherwise they just walk all over you and wear you out.

You seem to be doing well with being on the right path towards that, as I am too.

Thank you MR Im following your thread aswell.

I also get the impression she needs someone to be surefooted as there is stuff that happens in our life that she seem uncertain how to react to. Sometimes she measures how i react and she then react accordingly to how i react. Wish that could happen more tho.

Im still in the process of taking better care of myself... but its hard. For 11 years i have pretty much put her and her feelings first. But i hope im getting there in the end.

Andy