please should I do this?

[Think About It...]

I see lately there are few people responding, and I feel so alone since everybody disapeared. I am just hopeing it is because ther are better. I just wanted an input. I gave a chance to BPD ex to show me he cares...I posted another thread earlyer...no-one responded...but it is ok...just I am...confused, now I am at fault, my sense of guilt made me talk to him again... and my big expectations and my not handleing my own put me now to this situation...it is not bad like before, but I am sad...there are also other things in my life that are not going good so his all over the place emotions make it worse.
http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=177457.msg12069847#msg12069847

I want to write him a letter to make him a bit calmer at least untill he goes away (1 month) detaching with love...at least faking it...because I know his begging again will make me weak...so her goes:
My darling darling x,
I do appreciate all the effort you did until now, but I have realized I cannot do this anymore. I realized I am to traumatized by what it was between us. I realized that I cannot tolerate your rage towards me_

[nonbpd]

I see lately there are few people responding, and I feel so alone since everybody disapeared. I am just hopeing it is because ther are better. I just wanted an input. I gave a chance to BPD ex to show me he cares...I posted another thread earlyer...no-one responded...but it is ok...just I am...confused, now I am at fault, my sense of guilt made me talk to him again... and my big expectations and my not handleing my own put me now to this situation...it is not bad like before, but I am sad...there are also other things in my life that are not going good so his all over the place emotions make it worse.
http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=177457.msg12069847#msg12069847

I want to write him a letter to make him a bit calmer at least untill he goes away (1 month) detaching with love...at least faking it...because I know his begging again will make me weak...so her goes:
My darling darling x,
I do appreciate all the effort you did until now, but I have realized I cannot do this anymore. I realized I am to traumatized by what it was between us. I realized that I cannot tolerate your rage towards me_

[Peterpan]

Hi, I have to say, this is a lovely letter.

I too have written many like it myself through the confusion.
I have to say though, it won't make any difference, he will only come back with more words of,," you are the love of my life, I love no-one but you, etc,e tc, if my own experience is anything to go by.

Your situation sounds a lot like mine, all words of love and adoration, and he NEEDS, NEEDS, NEEDS me.
That is what it's all about, their need, they see need as love, they know they need you to make them feel good, and they confuse it with love.

Writing this letter will only serve to pour your heart out, but won't make his behaviour change toward you, he may come back nicely for a day or two, but then he will go back to normal again in a flash.

Don't ask him to let you go (say all the experts) Tell him you just let HIM go if you want to keep your dignity, and if you REALLY mean it.

Don't mention other women, it will only tell him you are jealous and insecure.
If you push that you really love him, he will use it to pull back at you, he will know there is an opening, even if he leaves it for you to calm down for a while.

If yours has been like mine, he probably told you he can't let you go somewhere along the road.
That is a manipultion intended to make you feel sorry for him and guilty for hurting him.

Mine actually pushed it at me after I had just confronted HIM about his other woman, and I let him manipulate me back in believing he regretted it! That is how clever they are.

If you have definitely made your mind up that you've had enough, then it is up to you to LET HIM GO.

write the letter if you must, just write that you cannot stay as he is not giving you anything which makes you feel good and that you are moving on to better things...then delete him and block him.

I wish you well in doing this, it takes a lot of guts...I myself have been very close to it,, but just can not let go of him yet, I am too stupid trying to understand him, and trying to think of things which I may have done or not done so that he strayed ?

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[CaptainM]

Peterpan has offered some very good advice - your letter is a very good expression of your feelings and where you stand. You are trying to hold this relationship together by yourself and it must be extremely exhausting for you.

As Peterpan said, you don't need him to give you permission to "let you go". It sounds as if you know what you want, or need, to do but you are understandably scared about putting it into action.

You don't need to feel guilty for wanting to be either in a healthy relationship, or no relationship at all. That's a healthy thing to want. He doesn't sound like he is in the place where he can give you the relationship you need.

As hard as it seems it may be easier on both of you if you are more direct - that the relationship isn't working and you need to go your separate ways. It will hurt at first, for both of you, but it will give you both a chance to work on yourselves, to give yourselves happiness and health.

How have you been looking after yourself during this time nonBPD? I understand how confusing these times can be and I know it must be hard on you. 

[nonbpd]

wow ,

Peterpan thank you very much 4 your input! First of all you are not stupid at all! Or if you are, than we are a good bunch here ) I am not in a relationship with my ex, he just wants to remain friends, but I feel the lack of reciprocity hurts me. I am wounded and I felt the need after 6 month of NC and of begging from his part to be treated like a princess, because I let him back...but no...never going to happen. We did not reconnect romantically, but even as a "friendly" relationship I feel used, manipulated. He is blocked on fb, on chat, and other stuff and does not have my "official" phone nr. I had a sim card and activated for him and told him if he doesn't behave I will throw it away...so I have some control over this, but I feel our past haunts me...he is trying...a lot...to be honest and fair...but he cannot do it all the time...and I admit I over react...because my PTSD makes me this way...I don't regret breaking NC, because hate and anger kept me away...and that broke me even more...seeing the reality of him being so tremendously ill makes me realize more and more what my life with him could have been, that he is so broken he can never have a nice fulfilling life.
I guess I am preparing slowly to go full NC again forever...I know it will terminate him in this period...but...I cannot take decisions after his needs anymore...I am just waiting for the wave to come and surf away with it! sad...really...I cannot see him other that a human being...

[nonbpd]

ok...problem solved...he is promising me we will meet but each time finding an excuse 4 not showing up...Monday we said we will meet today...at 8 I cracked and called he said he was just about to call me...I said...I don't believe you...and boom...fight, rage, insulting, shutting the phone, saying now he remembers why we splitted, because I am crazy, not flexible, and all I can say is accuse him... it was a big mistake to talk again...and when i tried to explain him that my needs are not met, he is not respecting me...blah blah he said " well, if you cannot live like this than die!" and he closed the phone...i repeatedly called him and he told me he wants to leave...sleep because I exhausted him...and he will fail the exam now because of me...I should live him alone...then started yelling he is going to cut himself and never answered after...(this is after moths of begging for me to talk to him...to forgive him)...so took the sim card out of the phone...blocked him...and out...really I cannot do this anymore

[OnceConfused]

What do you get when you try to squeeze a lemon? - I am sure you won't get the sweet orange juice.

[nonbpd]

Yes, true! Wow! It doesn't hurt anymore! I was just nervous, angry as I would have fighted with any other impossible person! I just wanted to be next to this sad little person! But they ask 4 help and at the same time they sabotage any help! The call you back so that they can hurt you! And then they feel worse! I just hope that after this fight he realized I am a bad person, one that cannot give him anything back, and he will give up! I hope 4 him, because anyway he is blocked everywhere!

[OnceConfused]

You can only hope for him.

Don't ever let him be the one that controls the ending of the r.s. You MUST be the one who decides the end, then your mind will be at peace of the decision.

He will or will not give up the crawling back to you. That should not matter. You must be the one who gives up on him, not he on you.

It is very subtle in the way you think  but the implication is HUGE about who gives up and who ends the r.s.

[nonbpd]

Well, I do not care if he is ending up the so called "relationship" or me. I am just glad he is out! My problem is that I give 2 much credit to people. I do feel sorry 4 him but not like before. But I have a hystory of giving up in front of repeated begging, so I am a bit hoping that he will not have the same urges as before. I do hope he hates me now and he will not try anything, even though I don't think he still has ways of getting to me. HE IS BLOCKED EVERYWHERE!

[OnceConfused]

But I have a history of giving up in front of repeated begging

Again, you have met your enemy and it is YOU. You let him back in and then try to blame him to try to get back in.

Your problem will not go away, until you tell yourself (not him) that IT IS OVER FOR REAL.

It seems to me that you are trying to shift the blame on him for getting back into your life. He just behaves the way he is. You must have the courage to resist and walk away.

Perhaps deep inside you do want him back. Is that true?

[nonbpd]

Perhaps deep inside you do want him back. Is that true?

Yeah, I gues that is the main thing that always draws me back! The hope he will be the same genrous, respectfull, lovely guy at the begining! I miss that guy a lot! And I would make an effort to stay friends with that guy! But the real one... I really need to run away from...And yes...pfff...it is me! It is me wwho does it to myself! Actually this is what I was constantly thinking after his burts: I am more crazy than he is for taking this crap!
Thank you very much for talking to me! I really ned a "family member" to talk to now!