A question of being supportive

[Think About It...]

A while back my wife, while walking our kids to the bus, was bit at by a neighbors dog.

Very scary and upsetting.

She called the cops and some investigation shows that the dog has history (at least two other incidents, including another neighbor that was actually bit when riding his bike to the point that it drew blood)

So the animal control puts the dog to sleep (much protesting by the neighbor/owner).

My wife goes to the doctor to get everything looked at (her butt was bothering her afterwards - perhaps from tensing all the muscles when the dog bit at her).

So then after the bill comes she takes it to the neighbor/owner of the dog as asks her to pay it.  Neighbor refuses.  Brings it back, some shouting back and forth.

So my wife sues.  (we are not talking about very much money - less than going out to eat).

But I feel differently about the situation, and when my wife was explaining it all and wanting me to jump on board with her being outraged and that the neighbor should be made to pay - I couldnt agree.  (the other neighbor, that got bit and drew blood, didnt even report it).  (and I feel its not worth the energy for the minor $, and also that it just propogates more ill-will with the neighbor for no real gain)

I COULD support calling the cops and reporting and that the dog should be put down.  But to go after the neighbor based on principle wouldnt be my position. 

So I state that its her right to press charges, but that we have a different position on it and its better if we dont discuss anything about it.  (because I know if we do she will deregulate).

So now she is upset because 'she is going through a civil lawsuit and I dont want to know anything about it'.  She feels this is very unsupporting.  (and of course telling all her friends, etc, about how terrible a husband I am for not supporting her during a stressful time)

Which is true to some degree.  But what she really wants is 100% unconditional support and unilateral agreement.  Which I cant give, because I feel differently.  There just isnt room in her thinking for a different perspective.

This is really common dynamic for us.  Its 100% unconditional support/agreement, or mean terrible evil person...

Middle ground agree to disagree but support her right to do it even though I would do differently - isnt an option.

Thoughts on how to interact productively on the topic?

[yeeter]

A while back my wife, while walking our kids to the bus, was bit at by a neighbors dog.

Very scary and upsetting.

She called the cops and some investigation shows that the dog has history (at least two other incidents, including another neighbor that was actually bit when riding his bike to the point that it drew blood)

So the animal control puts the dog to sleep (much protesting by the neighbor/owner).

My wife goes to the doctor to get everything looked at (her butt was bothering her afterwards - perhaps from tensing all the muscles when the dog bit at her).

So then after the bill comes she takes it to the neighbor/owner of the dog as asks her to pay it.  Neighbor refuses.  Brings it back, some shouting back and forth.

So my wife sues.  (we are not talking about very much money - less than going out to eat).

But I feel differently about the situation, and when my wife was explaining it all and wanting me to jump on board with her being outraged and that the neighbor should be made to pay - I couldnt agree.  (the other neighbor, that got bit and drew blood, didnt even report it).  (and I feel its not worth the energy for the minor $, and also that it just propogates more ill-will with the neighbor for no real gain)

I COULD support calling the cops and reporting and that the dog should be put down.  But to go after the neighbor based on principle wouldnt be my position. 

So I state that its her right to press charges, but that we have a different position on it and its better if we dont discuss anything about it.  (because I know if we do she will deregulate).

So now she is upset because 'she is going through a civil lawsuit and I dont want to know anything about it'.  She feels this is very unsupporting.  (and of course telling all her friends, etc, about how terrible a husband I am for not supporting her during a stressful time)

Which is true to some degree.  But what she really wants is 100% unconditional support and unilateral agreement.  Which I cant give, because I feel differently.  There just isnt room in her thinking for a different perspective.

This is really common dynamic for us.  Its 100% unconditional support/agreement, or mean terrible evil person...

Middle ground agree to disagree but support her right to do it even though I would do differently - isnt an option.

Thoughts on how to interact productively on the topic?

[Dynamic]

yeeter,
Sorry about your wife being bit by a dog. How awful!

Seeing that you have really given a lot of thought about the sueing issue & how strong you feel about this, I suggest that you continue to keep your stand. If it were not this issue, it would be another issue for your w to make a big deal. I have read from your other post that people can see through her & know that you are the victim. So don't bother about her telling everyone about how unsupportive you are. Even if others disagree with your opinion regarding this issue, you are the one who has to deal with your w, not them. The dog was put to sleep, so the problem is not going to occur again. From your description, your w also seems to be not affected much by this, physical healthwise. In addition, you don't want to make a big deal with your neighbor just for the sake of a small amount of money.

Let's just say, you change your stance & support your wife's decision just to make her happy. Will you feel better that you made her happy (at least for now) or miserable that you gave up your principle? Will there be an end to satisfying your wife with her never ending demands? Give it a thought. My two cents!

[yeeter]

Hi dynamic,

To be clear.  She was not actually bit. But bit 'at'.  Scary enough

I have no problem with her suing. Its her right.  It's just not what I would do in this circumstance.  She wants support for being justified to sue.  So wants to rant on about how the neighbor should be responsible, should have to pay, etc.  ( lots of drama, and another way to play the victim)  This is fine - just that I wouldn't do it and as such can't jump behind her in justification.  So she gets upset at me for not being supportive

I support her 'right' to sue.  But she wants me to feel and internalize it the same way as her.  And I don't

Do I feel strongly?  No. It's a relatively minor issue compared to others we have.  But I dont think it's productive for me to pretend to feel a certain way about it when I don't. 

So need to figure out a way to give her support, short of internalizing it in the same way as she does.  ( which wouldnt be genuine on my part )

[Dynamic]

When I mentioned - you are feeling strong about it - I was talking about how you would choose not to sue. If I were in your position, I would feel the same way as you do.

You can continue to support her 'right' to sue. Don't beat yourself that you cannot satisfy her by feeling or pretending to feel the same way she does about this issue. If she is upset with you for not being unsupportive, let her be.

[yeeter]

I may have sorted out why this was bothering me

It's because she is telling me how to feel, and what to think about something

Thus is a common theme.  If I don't think or feel the same as her, she gets upset.  Upset AT me, for being a bad person.  Because once she has sorted through what's 'right', then that is how she expects everyone to see it.  And worse when it directly involves her ( and more so when involving her as a victim).

So if I don't adopt her views of it, I am a terrible person.  ( since after all, she was wronged and anyone can see that and should also share her outrage )

In the past I might go along to keep peace.  But this meant allowing her to define my views ( at least on what was outwardly expressed )

I don't want to be an uncaring, insensitive, unsupportive person ( her accusations).  But at the same time, I do want to be able to have my own opinion.  It's hard for these to mutually coexist

[andywho]

I may have sorted out why this was bothering me

It's because she is telling me how to feel, and what to think about something

Thus is a common theme.  If I don't think or feel the same as her, she gets upset.  Upset AT me, for being a bad person.  Because once she has sorted through what's 'right', then that is how she expects everyone to see it.  And worse when it directly involves her ( and more so when involving her as a victim).

So if I don't adopt her views of it, I am a terrible person.  ( since after all, she was wronged and anyone can see that and should also share her outrage )

In the past I might go along to keep peace.  But this meant allowing her to define my views ( at least on what was outwardly expressed )

I don't want to be an uncaring, insensitive, unsupportive person ( her accusations).  But at the same time, I do want to be able to have my own opinion.  It's hard for these to mutually coexist

I hear you... i have been in this situation many a times myself. Up trough the years i have so many times even ended up feeling that my opinions and feelings in this matter was off.

Not feeling the same as her is wrong somewhat. Its after i found these boards that my eyes have been opened... I cant stress this enoug.. but finding this board is the best thing in a long time for me.

Andy

[united for now]

It can be both.
You work to understand -and accept - hire she could feel as she does. You validate her emotions, finding the kernel of truth.
You also believe in your own truth. You just don't need to convince her that you have a right to your opinion.

See, here's where it gets tricky.  
While it would be nice to have agreement, that isn't always our objective. Its also often not possible. When we believe in ourselves, we don't need to prove It to anyone. We just need to believe in ourselves...

Is it possible this isn't so much about facts, but about needing to feel supported?

[yeeter]

It's definitely about a sense of her feeling supported.  I'm trying to learn how to do that and still maintain my own person.

And for me  it's not about wanting to agree, or wanting to be 'right'.   For her it IS about needing to be right. And adoption of her position is a part of the way she gets support.  ( by others jumping on board with her it gives her a feeling of being supported ).  It also feeds the NPD side.

But if there is even the slightest difference from her position, the switch goes extreme the other way ( black,  or white are the only modes ). The BPD stuff comes out and you are either a friend ( 100% unconditional support) or an enemy.  

One of the MC's used the term catastrophizing. It's a good description of the extreme way things are processed, which also makes 100% support difficult (and compounded by the fact that I am a very 'gray' person, with rarely an all black or all white position )

I understand, and support that she is upset and feels the other party should pay.  I DON'T understand the extremeness of the feelings ( just saying this, I really don't understand how things get processed to extreme.  Fact is, I never will truly understand this because I am not her). I understand that it happens this way though

And yes, I realize that also underneath it is about me and what I want. A peaceful, loving, caring coexistence. It's just never been possible in this relationship. So as an improvement, I'm working on reducing conflict ( especially conflict aimed at me - the whipping pole has gotten old ). But at the same time am trying to remained engaged and attached 

[Auspicious]

Yep, I've been through the whole "support" thing many times.

Never found any easy answer ... just have to try to be as validating as possible, while still holding onto the fact that you can have a different opinion from her.

She's not going to see it that way ... you aren't going to convince her to. So depending on what is being said, you don't always have to add the "... but I don't agree" part.

You: "I can see how upsetting this is to you. I don't blame you for being upset.  I know that you want him/her to have to pay for this."  Crickets ... crickets ... you don't add anything.

Her: "But you don't think I should sue, do you?"

You: "It's not really about what I think; it's about what you think. You were the one almost bit. I don't blame you for being upset."


But I also understand that sometimes she will push you to where you do have to add it - or opt out of the conversation.

[isilme]

It's because she is telling me how to feel, and what to think about something

Thus is a common theme.  If I don't think or feel the same as her, she gets upset.  Upset AT me, for being a bad person.  Because once she has sorted through what's 'right', then that is how she expects everyone to see it.  And worse when it directly involves her ( and more so when involving her as a victim).

By not sharing the exact same thoughts and enmeshed emotions, we appear to be invalidating to our pwBPD. 

She's not going to see it that way ... you aren't going to convince her to. So depending on what is being said, you don't always have to add the "... but I don't agree" part.

You: "I can see how upsetting this is to you. I don't blame you for being upset.  I know that you want him/her to have to pay for this."  Crickets ... crickets ... you don't add anything.

Her: "But you don't think I should sue, do you?"

You: "It's not really about what I think; it's about what you think. You were the one almost bit. I don't blame you for being upset."

You admit her right to her own emotions, but she is not yet able, and may never be able to admit your right to yours.  I like this quote above - I have been working on variations of it.  I get accused of being passionless and uncaring about anything because I don't rage, rant and scream when BF has been angered by something.  I am trying to let him know  that I do not disagree with his right to be angry, but neither do I have to feel the same way, or agree.  It's hard. 

[Surnia]

Hi yeeter

Thanx for sharing this.
I see me in your post, being supportive for me is something totally different than for my h who wants battle, needing me and the right 150% on his side. And like your wife he really get upset when I stay my opinion.

And like you I would not fight a battle for some $ but have a friendly coexistence with my neighbours.

But she wants me to feel and internalize it the same way as her.

Great insight.

So it is about validation for there feeling, but staying our ground about the battle.

[Dynamic]

I understand, and support that she is upset and feels the other party should pay.  I DON'T understand the extremeness of the feelings ( just saying this, I really don't understand how things get processed to extreme.  Fact is, I never will truly understand this because I am not her). I understand that it happens this way though

Yes yeeter & she will never truly understand this because she is not you, either. As I type this, I am saying this to myself too. OMG, that simple sentence says it all.   Wow! What a revelation & relief! If we, as nons cannot understand them (pwBPDs), how are they going to understand us, nons.

[desperate dutchman]

Yeeter ditto on all the above.  My wife does similar stuff re neighbors and others.  In one sense it is refreshing that your wife was motivated to take the steps to sue ...mine would be raging at me because I would refuse to do the paperwork for her... mine once had an auto accident and wanted me to give the statement and got upset with me for telling the truth that the insurance companies do not want to talk to me because i wasnt there.

So your position of lets agree to disagree is great...

It also occurred to me that you were feeling some of the frustration that our SOs must feel everyday except theirs is multiplied. If you feel awful just think how awful she feels when the situation is reversed and she is not being validated.  

[JimNelson89]

Yeeter

This happened to us about a year ago.  My wife was hurt in an accident.  She wanted to sue on principal.  However, I supported her completely on the principal that it was her injury.

We talked to friends about how to handle this and they recommended we file a claim on the other party's homeowner's insurance.  This turned out to be less antagonistic.

But this is really about you having a different view/opinion/or feeling.  I have learned, painfully, that I cannot have a different view.  I share when I agree with her and keep it to myself at other times.  I cannot share my most inner thoughts and feelings.