Tried the tools... ugh

[Think About It...]

Okay, so had another blowup tonight.  I'm almost done!  Ugh!

Okay, so there is this guy that he is SURE is trying to break us up.  Guy was my friend before we dated.  Guy told me that I was crazy for not seeing my guy was crazy.  So...I was told to avoid guy.  I avoid guy this whole time until today I asked him one question today, in a non flirtatious manner to clarify something he said.  That's it. Since I didn't "know" that I was supposed to "avoid this guy like the plague"  I "don't love him" and "don't care about him".  He said that I am not loyal, and I have no honor.  It's not my fault, maybe my parents never taught me how to be honorable blah blah blah. 

I tried saying "I'm sorry you feel that way, it must feel bad to feel like I don't love you but I promise you that I do and that's not what I'm doing"

and then I tried getting out and taking a step away, out...it just fell apart from there.  I lost it.  Finally, after being cool for about 30 minutes of hearing how terrible of a person I am, I finally lost my composure and raged back at him.  Oh, I got evil.  He told me that I was creeping him out and I said "good."  Then he said, "you're really creeping me out Cindy, I have a bad feeling about you " and I felt my face turn dark and I said, "Good.  Listen to that feeling.  You don't want to go to war with me, I will destroy you." 

Ugh!  If he's going to paint me black, its too hard to resist being black.  I mean, what the hell.  I am not always good!  I mean, I have to resist temptations all the time.  I have to control myself, and resist the urge to let the dark stuff take me over all the time.  It desires me like it desires him, but I am usually able to master mine.  What is the purpose of even trying to master it if he's just going to think I'm a terrible person anyway.  I might as well be that person.

*vent over*

apologies. 

[Cindy Lou]

Okay, so had another blowup tonight.  I'm almost done!  Ugh!

Okay, so there is this guy that he is SURE is trying to break us up.  Guy was my friend before we dated.  Guy told me that I was crazy for not seeing my guy was crazy.  So...I was told to avoid guy.  I avoid guy this whole time until today I asked him one question today, in a non flirtatious manner to clarify something he said.  That's it. Since I didn't "know" that I was supposed to "avoid this guy like the plague"  I "don't love him" and "don't care about him".  He said that I am not loyal, and I have no honor.  It's not my fault, maybe my parents never taught me how to be honorable blah blah blah. 

I tried saying "I'm sorry you feel that way, it must feel bad to feel like I don't love you but I promise you that I do and that's not what I'm doing"

and then I tried getting out and taking a step away, out...it just fell apart from there.  I lost it.  Finally, after being cool for about 30 minutes of hearing how terrible of a person I am, I finally lost my composure and raged back at him.  Oh, I got evil.  He told me that I was creeping him out and I said "good."  Then he said, "you're really creeping me out Cindy, I have a bad feeling about you " and I felt my face turn dark and I said, "Good.  Listen to that feeling.  You don't want to go to war with me, I will destroy you." 

Ugh!  If he's going to paint me black, its too hard to resist being black.  I mean, what the hell.  I am not always good!  I mean, I have to resist temptations all the time.  I have to control myself, and resist the urge to let the dark stuff take me over all the time.  It desires me like it desires him, but I am usually able to master mine.  What is the purpose of even trying to master it if he's just going to think I'm a terrible person anyway.  I might as well be that person.

*vent over*

apologies. 

[Cindy Lou]

I forgot to mention that he said he was going to kill me.

Didn't I know that he was on tren?  Shouldn't I know not to "irk" him?

Then he said he'd at least get at me when he saw me next.  Pull my hair at least.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Cindy Lou]

This morning text message:

You should be put in front of a firing squad for being a traitor.  Nice work Benedict Arnold!  Now, excuse me but I have somewhere to be in an hour.  We can continue this dumb conversation later.

[OnceConfused]

why continue on the dumb conversation which serves no purpose for you, except for him to inject for venom?

[Cindy Lou]

Exactly, thank you. I told him no.

[spark2]

So where did you 'try the tools'?

[Cindy Lou]

So where did you 'try the tools'?

I didn't mention where I tried them only where I failed.

[Cindy Lou]

I decided to leave.  Hopefully I won't be back in this forum.  only a 4 month relationship but it's been about 4 months too long.

[azmomm2]

I decided to leave.  Hopefully I won't be back in this forum.  only a 4 month relationship but it's been about 4 months too long.

*LIKE*

Glad you are moving on. He sounds horrible.

[LoveNYC]

Cindy - please get out now.

If this is what the honeymoon phase looks like, what's around the corner?

Stayed with mine for only 9 months, and I promise you that it gets WAY uglier.

Good for you for standing up for yourself!

Have you posted on the Leaving board? You'll get plenty of support there.