Wanting revenge...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Sorta like 2010 said, who can get revenge against pain on loop.

[bpdlover]

Sorta like 2010 said, who can get revenge against pain on loop.

[upsidedown]

Sorry to say that time is the only thing that gets you over that wall.  I don't fully subscribe to the notion that I somehow participated in causing the worst pain of my life.  My only "fault" was allowing myself to believe in fairy tales, believing that I'd somehow found the love of my life, my soul mate; and in going back for more punishment each time he convinced me that he'd changed.  I remember crying one night about how hard leaving my husband and my old life behind was for me.  He said "I should just leave you alone".  He knew to some degree that he wasn't going to be able to live up to the person he'd represented himself to be.  He knew he wasn't going to be able to sustain a long-term, emotionally healthy relationship.  He knew he was going to hurt me.  There was awareness there, I'm sure I glimpsed it at other times as well.  He just wasn't able to stop himself from lying, cheating, raging, gaslighting me, painting me black, etc.  So...while accepting my part in the relationship is important, understanding that he did the only thing he was capable of doing (hurting me, like he hurts everyone in his life) was the real key to letting go of hurt, anger, betrayal, pain.  Ultimately, they are unable to do anything other than what they do, despite how badly they might want to.  I understand your anger and need for revenge, but it won't change her.  It might, however, change you.

[bpdlover]

Very true. Many times I was given hints at her inability to function without her actually coming out and honestly saying it. Things got progressively worse but still we both hung on until she saw an excuse to break it off. She did all the things that have been written about to me but seemed to have a logical reason for her illogical behaviour. When all is said and done. You can love or fear but you get to walk away with some context. Can you imagine the other party? What are they doing now?

[turtle]

I don't know that I ever really wanted "revenge."  Like so many of us, in the beginning of dealing with this crap, I would have little fantasies about it, but I knew I would never really DO any of the things I dreamed up in the wee hours of the morning.  When I would think about why I really wanted revenge, I realized it wasn't really revenge that I wanted.

I wanted justice.  I wanted someone powerful to make him acknowledge all that he did to me. I wanted someone to be able to force him into seeing how sick and twisted he is -- and I sat in this state for a long, long time.

Finally, one day, I realized that there would be no "justice."  At least not the "justice" that I wanted or thought was necessary.

There is no one powerful enough to make him understand ANYTHING. Even if he were to be sentenced to prison because of eye witnesses and DNA evidence, he would maintain he had done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment. He would spend his prison years whining about how he had been wrongly convicted.

He repects no one - and that is born out of his own self-loathing.  So...there isn't anything anyone could say/do to make him "get it."  Unless and until he "gets" HIS part in his own misery in life, nothing will change for him.  

I finally accepted that "justice" - or for purposes of this thread - "revenge," would not matter because he would NEVER get why the justice/revenge was happening.

Sooo...I guess my point is this..."revenge," is wasted on them because they won't get why it's happening.  And in the meantime, you have taken yourself to a place where YOU don't belong.  A place that is not good for YOU, and for what?

turtle

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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[BPD Magnet 1]

There is no one powerful enough to make him understand ANYTHING. Even if he were to be sentenced to prison because of eye witnesses and DNA evidence, he would maintain he had done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment. He would spend his prison years whining about how he had been wrongly convicted.

Kinda like Sandusky in Penn State..!

I used to say that EXACT thing to her..And she would say NEVER.Which meant she would never ''admit'' to any wrong doing...

[sea5045]

I think the best revenge is to totally ignore them with no contact.They are attention junkies and your not giving them their attention fix.


Helpful as mine has moved back to the city, and I have planned that if I see her car, or she in any bar, I'll just nod and keep passing. I don't want to be rattled anymore by her presence or by her power over my feelings. Self-protection is the best goal for me right now, and if it bugs her good, if not that's ok too.

[redfeather]

It is always "GroundHog Day" in the mad world which is BPD...so the best revenge is to just detach, go no contact dont give them any attention. Drives them nuts.
Mine told a mutual friend I was cruel for not trying to contact her over last 5 months. So be it, So let it be done.. Hi!
Rather she think me cruel than I remain  involved in the destructive whirlwind that is her sad and pain filled life. Can you imagine giving yourslf sexually to so many different people?  I guestimate mine has had 5-7 sexual partners since Dec 2011.    Not being able to be alone? I love my me time...
The loss is theirs not yours remember that.

[wolf22]

1brokenwing..it's funny you said that, because I feel so bad for her ex. He had to put up with her, and I assume she was lying to me about him the whole time.

This post has been great, and it has helped me relax. I haven't contacted her and don't plan on it. But I'm not exactly wishing her happiness either. 

[C12P21]

You have received excellent advice and insights about your need for revenge.
I felt very similar and did send an email at the end where I told him our relationship was a mistake as he was abusive.
I realize now I had to let go..but I gave away my power when I did this and regret having done so as it only fortified in his mind that he is a victim.
Eventually, as I came to understand the disorder and his behavior, I realized his infidelity and splitting me black was a defense mechanism.

Any thoughts on how to stop wanting this revenge on her!  Its amazing to think 2 weeks ago I cried having to send her an email saying good-bye

One of the ways I stopped wanting revenge was through the steps many described here-but another was changing my perspective.
I felt scorned, betrayed, forlorn over his infidelity and my being replaced. I wondered what was wrong with me and he blamed me for somethings that I realize now were only his projections of his own self loathing and doubts.
So I decided to re-think my perspective. What if hadn't cheated but had shot himself up with heroin, would I be less outraged? What if he went on a drinking binge and had a car accident..would I still carry such resentment?
His cheating was another form of "something" to fill himself up because inside he is hurting and feels empty. It is another form of addiction and a very painful form for the s/o replaced so easily.
When I realized my resentment was over being replaced...and I thought of it in terms of other forms of addiction..well, lets just say the need for revenge left me. Over time, with great effort, I worked out my frustrations and healed the part of me that was outraged at being replaced.
I am two plus years out and believe now that the end was a good thing due to my personal growth and healing but man, the healing was slow.
Follow the advice of those on the boards that gave you good insight and steps, and tell yourself 'she is disordered, there is nothing I can do."
As hard as it is to accept, it wasn't about you, it never was, you were filling a void in her that is vast and bleak. You have the opportunity now to figure out what drew you to her, to become skilled in recognizing  's in others prior to emotionally bonding with them or being vulnerable to them, to knowing your own unfulfilled wishes and desires, and I suspect you will never treat another person how you have been treated.
All that remains is working through the nasty emotions that arise, to not stuff them or deny them but work through them..and you will come out on the other end.
Take care,
C

[exbpdgf]

You have received excellent advice and insights about your need for revenge.
I felt very similar and did send an email at the end where I told him our relationship was a mistake as he was abusive.
I realize now I had to let go..but I gave away my power when I did this and regret having done so as it only fortified in his mind that he is a victim.
Eventually, as I came to understand the disorder and his behavior, I realized his infidelity and splitting me black was a defense mechanism.

Any thoughts on how to stop wanting this revenge on her!  Its amazing to think 2 weeks ago I cried having to send her an email saying good-bye

One of the ways I stopped wanting revenge was through the steps many described here-but another was changing my perspective.
I felt scorned, betrayed, forlorn over his infidelity and my being replaced. I wondered what was wrong with me and he blamed me for somethings that I realize now were only his projections of his own self loathing and doubts.
So I decided to re-think my perspective. What if hadn't cheated but had shot himself up with heroin, would I be less outraged? What if he went on a drinking binge and had a car accident..would I still carry such resentment?
His cheating was another form of "something" to fill himself up because inside he is hurting and feels empty. It is another form of addiction and a very painful form for the s/o replaced so easily.
When I realized my resentment was over being replaced...and I thought of it in terms of other forms of addiction..well, lets just say the need for revenge left me. Over time, with great effort, I worked out my frustrations and healed the part of me that was outraged at being replaced.
I am two plus years out and believe now that the end was a good thing due to my personal growth and healing but man, the healing was slow.
Follow the advice of those on the boards that gave you good insight and steps, and tell yourself 'she is disordered, there is nothing I can do."
As hard as it is to accept, it wasn't about you, it never was, you were filling a void in her that is vast and bleak. You have the opportunity now to figure out what drew you to her, to become skilled in recognizing  's in others prior to emotionally bonding with them or being vulnerable to them, to knowing your own unfulfilled wishes and desires, and I suspect you will never treat another person how you have been treated.
All that remains is working through the nasty emotions that arise, to not stuff them or deny them but work through them..and you will come out on the other end.
Take care,
C

Wow, thank you C12P21, there was so much I needed to hear in that post. Thank you for your  hard won wisdom!

[forgottenarm]

Life will always be revenge, but knowing she is happy ****ing this other guy right now while I am struggling kills me.

Well, she's probably not happy ****ing this other guy.

Even in our best moments, my ex was not really happy.  He was almost constantly agitated about one thing or another in his life.  And looking back, I realize that the good times were probably just as stressful for him as the bad times.  Like if we seemed to get closer, through sex or whatever, he was more agitated, not less.

I also see now that he used sex to control me.  In fact, the only situation where he seemed alright was when he'd just done something to stir the pot and then brought me back under control, often through sex.  Like, he'd say or do something mean to push me back and then seduce me while I was still angry.  That's not happy ****ing.

Just saying, I seriously doubt your ex can experience happiness the way we know it.  She's probably pedaling as fast as she can to keep her new supply hooked.  She probably wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy him no matter how much reassurance he offered her.  Even sex is likely a tool from the toolkit.  Fear not---you're not missing a thing.

[bpdlover]

I just found out that my ex was sleeping with her ex while pretending to be with me and broke up with me just before her ex came back to town, ironically the same way in which she dumped him. While one piece of the puzzle has just been fitted, the underlying truth is they will never be content and happy. This has just strengthen my resolve never to allow this piece of work into my life again. She and I had nothing in common, who was I kidding. NC is a commitment to our own sanity and happiness.

[FriedaB]

Honestly,  mine  wouldn't  even  be  worth  the  effort...god  bless  her,  her  drugs,  ex-felon  friends,  18  year  old  lovers,  shoplifting,  lying,  stealing,  splitting,  self  injury,  mirroring  and  whatever  else   she  deems  a  "quality"  life.   Kudos  to  her,  I  just  want  no   part  of  it.

[bpdlover]

The ex had this way of sounding totally innocent of everything. She totally denied the horrible things she said and did to me and after behaving cool, calm and collected for two days after the "alleged" incident, turned on the tears and the smear campaign. Not worth the effort is right. Honestly, how anybody could go to the trouble of setting someone up or projecting onto them all this stuff that simply isn't there, is beyond me.

[findingmyselfagain]

Totally. My ex suddenly went on a spree of accusation and projection. *EVERYONE* including her brother (who "understood" her) believed we were really great for each other. And so did I. She was about to get everything she wanted. It shocked the heck out of me when she went off the deep end. I see now it's a very good thing that it didn't 'work out" long enough for us to get married. It's not in the pwBPD to be happy, calm, or content...certainly not an unrecovered one. I've made friends with some that are aware, but they are still triggered and have a very difficult time going against their nature. The further out of the FOG we can get and stay the better off we will be.

[nocrazy]

I sought revenge once many years ago for my unBPD/Ns sexual promiscuity.

I look at it now, as having contracted a malor flea. It is not in my nature to have casual sex, I did not understand HOW he could do it, so much, so often, with the types of situations he got himself into. I guess part of me wanted to understand...
My little venture into that world was a one night thing, and I regret it to this day.

The upside is, it sent me into Alanon, since he was a bad drinker. IN Alanon, (a family support group for living and dealing with alcoholism) they talk about detaching, and CoDependency, and keeping your side of the street clean.

When you first go to Alanon, you feel extremely guarded. Everyone there says they felt the same way, like," this group wants us to look at ourselves? These people ruin our lives..."

But, the main idea that I get/got from it over years is, We dont talk so much about the Alcoholic and what they do, how they are, we talk about ourselves and our choice to remain clear in our beliefs, values, and our decisions should remain within our own value system. In other words, my goal in being invoved with/having a child with an alcoholic (replace A with PD here, if you wish) became to not become someone I didn't like or do things that I dont agree with in reaction to or response to or in revenge for how they live, or the choices they make.

It spans everything, from being so angry that you are consumed with what THEY do, to having your day remain happy no matter how dysregulated they get, to not sleeping with someone or stalking someone when your true self would not behave that way.

I mean, its all great theory, and it is all easier said than done, but my "revenge" only caused me harm, and my unBPD/N never even knew about it.

If he had, I probably would have had a lot more of a mess now than I do. Because a PD never responds to what we do with,

"Oh, I guess I really hurt you. I learned my lesson. I wont do that anymore."

[geo03]

Honestly,  mine  wouldn't  even  be  worth  the  effort...god  bless  her,  her  drugs,  ex-felon  friends,  18  year  old  lovers,  shoplifting,  lying,  stealing,  splitting,  self  injury,  mirroring  and  whatever  else   she  deems  a  "quality"  life.   Kudos  to  her,  I  just  want  no   part  of  it.

This woke me up today like a double shot latte

[FriedaB]

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