Not sure if I should keep trying

[Think About It...]

MY BPD is who I thought my best friend was for over 25 years! Although I have felt judged, have been told I disappoint her and that I am first in her life but she is not in mine, she has given me the silent treatment over the years without real reason, and then cooled down in 2-3 days; now the stonewalling is going on 3 weeks with a demand to text an apology for something I do not feel is wrong; she is also lying about the majority of it, or her perception/feelings are tainting the facts. She will not return a phone call, as I did want to apologize for hurting her feelings, intentional or not, and explain my perception...is this futile, as she will not return phone calls...and is it possible that a BPD ends decades of friendship over 1 perceived lie and will be unwilling to SPEAK without her demand of a written text? I cannot relate or understand this behavior, as I have accepted her for who she is, unconditionally, helped her through her abandoning family members and silencing them...HELP! Do I stop trying to call her and contact her to "talk this through"?

[acknowledgement]

MY BPD is who I thought my best friend was for over 25 years! Although I have felt judged, have been told I disappoint her and that I am first in her life but she is not in mine, she has given me the silent treatment over the years without real reason, and then cooled down in 2-3 days; now the stonewalling is going on 3 weeks with a demand to text an apology for something I do not feel is wrong; she is also lying about the majority of it, or her perception/feelings are tainting the facts. She will not return a phone call, as I did want to apologize for hurting her feelings, intentional or not, and explain my perception...is this futile, as she will not return phone calls...and is it possible that a BPD ends decades of friendship over 1 perceived lie and will be unwilling to SPEAK without her demand of a written text? I cannot relate or understand this behavior, as I have accepted her for who she is, unconditionally, helped her through her abandoning family members and silencing them...HELP! Do I stop trying to call her and contact her to "talk this through"?

[Rise]

...and is it possible that a BPD ends decades of friendship over 1 perceived lie and will be unwilling to SPEAK without her demand of a written text? I cannot relate or understand this behavior, as I have accepted her for who she is, unconditionally, helped her through her abandoning family members and silencing them...HELP! Do I stop trying to call her and contact her to "talk this through"?

First... a pwBPD will most definitely end a friendship over something this small. Keep in mind, it's not really about a perceived lie, or the demands she's putting forth. It's about her fear of abandonment and rejection. Whatever has happened, while seemingly minor to you, has triggered her fears and those fears are bigger to her than anything else. You cannot relate to this behavior because this is not logical, rational, or normal. There is no rationalizing the irrational. Whether or not you stop contacting her is up to you, but if she has BPD, trying to convince her that you didn't lie is most likely not going to work out.

[acknowledgement]

Does it make sense to address the fears by saying things like you are my lifelong friend, I love you, I understand you are feeling pain I would like to talk to you about this...? Is this validating...or will she rage more...what is the cycle of stonewalling - is there a period of cool down...it's been 3 weeks...I do care for her, and understanding that she fears rejection, etc. I feel like I should try to "right" this, as I am the rational one...any chance of this with the right approach with a BPD? her last e mail (3 wks ago stated you lied. i am hurt not mad - i will speak in the future but will be evaluating my options...I cannot even relate to this, as we were making definite plans to be away together and spoke every few days!

[Rise]

I understand the shock of this all. One minute you are doing fine, the next you're the worst person on the face of the planet. And for almost no reason at all. Try to understand, with BPD, there are few shades of gray. Emotions are all black and white, and right now you've been painted black. You've been vilified. And while I wish I could tell you how long this will last, there just isn't any sort of set time. I've seen it last hours, I've seen it last months. You just cannot tell, because it's a completely irrational thing.

I wish I could give you advice on how to validate you friend, and address her issues, but sadly these are skills I'm learning myself. I'm getting better at these sorts of things, and have been sitting here trying to channel many of the people that have advised me on similar problems, but I just don't think I'd do you justice, and I'd rather say nothing than give you flawed advice that may make things worse for you.  The sad truth is, most of us on the leaving board aren't really equipped to give you advice on fixing/rescuing your friendship. I'm not trying to dismiss you, but the staying boards have members that are a lot more experienced with this sort of thing, and are better suited to give you advice on making things work.

The only other advice I can offer is be prepared for the possibility that nothing you do or say may fix this. It's a terribly sad thing, but unfortunately, sometimes there is nothing we can do. I hope it doesn't come to this for you, but at least be aware it is a possibility, so if it does, you won't be taken completely off-guard.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[myself]

Does it make sense to address the fears by saying things like you are my lifelong friend, I love you, I understand you are feeling pain I would like to talk to you about this...? Is this validating...

With BPD, it's the closeness that can very often trigger it off. Saying this kind of stuff in a normal relationship would be very helpful, and could well bring you together again. With BPD, it can push them even farther away. As much as abandonment is feared, so is engulfment. Thus the push and pull. There's really no right or wrong answer as to what you should or shouldn't say. You could write the world's best love poem to her and she could just toss it in the garbage. Sorry, but this is the truth. I know, I tried about everything there was to try. From my heart AND mind. With BPD involved, it was never going to work no matter what. Plus, the more you try, the worse it gets.

[juner]

Does it make sense to address the fears by saying things like you are my lifelong friend, I love you, I understand you are feeling pain I would like to talk to you about this...? Is this validating...or will she rage more...

I'll admit I can't read your friend's situation... so take this for what's it worth. I think the part where you say "I would like to talk to you about this" would not fly at all with my xuBPD-friend. She would always want to sweep things under the carpet and act like nothing happened. So for me, I would never ask for a heart-to-heart: too confrontational. Your friend may feel shame on some level for even putting you in this impossible situation and now can't back down. If this is the case, the last thing she'll want to do is "talk this through."

Seems if you really want to keep pursuing this, you may have to gloss over what happened. "Sorry again for everything's that's happened. You're a good friend and I hope we can get together, if not soon, then sometime in future." Keep it light - but bear in mind all of this could be useless advice too.

I know - you apologizing may sound a little bit like grovelling, and being vague to help you save face could anger her even more. I mean, who really knows? It's a delicate dance. You can't seem to be asking or hoping that she'll be accountable in any way. You can only leave the door open, but you can't compel her to walk through it. I know - I kept the dance going with my friend for 18 years. When it all imploded, I kept repeating, 18 years! But it's just a number, not a tattoo!

Bottom line, ask yourself what you want. Could this be an opportunity to finally break free?

[acknowledgement]

Break free..yes, some days, in the 3 week silence, there is a sense of relief...not to have to watch what Im saying or hear her complain her family has wronged her..."why didn't I get that, why didn't they do that for me, what about me..."...but then I think of my perception of family and friends is lifetime...thick thin. forgiveness...we shared history, emotions, fun...I enjoyed the friendship in spite of its flaws...we are human. we all have them. we seemed so close, we have been best friends for 3 decades...how did you finally get closure with letting go of 18 years...did your friend break it off? I guess if she would say I don't want to be your friend anymore and wish you well I could accept...but the not knowing and the silence...yes, torture and why did I not think I would be a victim after seeing her do this to her own mother, aunt, brother, etc.? Should I write a factual letter outlining the facts and stating my care for her...do BPDs trigger with this, like the apology, what to do...it is all so draining...

[FriedaB]

Hard  to  believe,  but  its  not  personal...its  just  who  they  are  and  what  they  do.  Mine  discarded  me  like  a  used  sandwich  wrapper  after  20  years  of  friendship,  and  me  saving  her  life.  Whatever  you  do,  just  be  careful...I  wrote  mine  such  a  letter,  and  was  threatened  with  a  restraining  order...

[juner]

I doubt you'll be so lucky as to have your friend neatly tie up loose ends. That is just something you have no control over. This is really hard to accept, I know. It just takes time. I think I've written three novels in my journal working it out, but it's all be very helpful for me in other areas of my life. I have no regrets that I've known this person. Time is your friend if you choose to leave for good. You know your friend pretty well after so many years. You know her pattern of cutting people off, etc. So she will likely repeat the pattern with you. I don't mean to sound harsh, but to her you are not considered the exception, or special, as far as how she deals with her "loved ones." Being close can trigger so many messed up feelings in a pwBPD - it's the ultimate backhanded compliment - like they're saying, I love you so much - now I have to run away or push you away because of it.

Still, if you really want back in, there is that letter, I guess. But "outlining the facts?" You may have already read on the boards that a borderline's feelings become fact. Any glaring facts that you have don't count and presenting them could stir up her fight-or-flight response even more.

Embracing this as over, forever, helped with closure. But it also goes against the grain of a one-time belief of mine, that "good" friendship and family is a forever thing. I had to really be honest about what was "good" any more. I balance the friends-are-forever thing by looking deep into my past, where I put my needs last ... as long as everyone gets along what's the harm, right? It's been my pattern to break. So I tell myself I'm gonna need the rest of my life and energy, without that wounded person in it, to work on this.

And what happened between us to end it for good was so stupid. one day there was a strange fight that she started and I abruptly left her place because it was too weird. She emailed a half-arsed apology the next day, a one-liner that implied I was partly to blame and I apologized back, just one line too. But she never called again and I never did either - for different reasons. Frankly, she scared the hell out of me. It was all so weird, because we were best pals, or so I thought. But it's Backwards Land. Being close is the kiss of death, The Unravelling.

I was glad for a few weeks after the fight but I must admit ... I started to mourn the loss deeply and ruminate like crazy. But I wouldn't call, because I could just picture her angry face. I remembered how she just cut people out of her life and I knew it was my turn. Now, I feel too much time has gone by and I know too much and I could never be honest or myself or with her now that I know so much about the disorder.

I long ago forgave her. I mean she struggles. But just because she's stuck doesn't mean I have to be stuck there with her. I've embraced a more spiritual lifestyle, and that has helped. I've grown up. I have studied subjects like narcissistic injury and work toward not tying all my self-esteem into external cues, but instead get in touch with my inner strength.

Keep learning, be kind to yourself and listen to your heart. Whatever happens the people on these boards will not judge whatever decision you make. It's your timeline and your journey. 

[vincent11]

acknowledgem, what do you suspect she feels you've lied about?  Please know my question isn't accusatory of you I'm just wondering if you even have the slightest idea of what "LIE" she may be referring to?  I have had my guy go silent on me for just shy of 3 months.  It was horrendous.  Hang in there!  And I mean that.  You will have to learn patience while she rides out the storm of doubt and anxiety that has her reeling right now.  Take this time to learn and get become as informed and prepared as you can.  The more armed you are with tools and knowledge the better you will do when she comes back.  Please just keep doing what you're doing and learn to pace yourself or this will take it's toll on you.  Think of it as an emotional marathon you will need to go slow and steady. 

Does it make sense to address the fears by saying things like you are my lifelong friend, I love you, I understand you are feeling pain I would like to talk to you about this...? Is this validating...or will she rage more...what is the cycle of stonewalling - is there a period of cool down...it's been 3 weeks...I do care for her, and understanding that she fears rejection, etc. I feel like I should try to "right" this, as I am the rational one...any chance of this with the right approach with a BPD? her last e mail (3 wks ago stated you lied. i am hurt not mad - i will speak in the future but will be evaluating my options...I cannot even relate to this, as we were making definite plans to be away together and spoke every few days!

[acknowledgement]

Her "beef" was that I came to "her area" and did not let her know...2 YEARS AGO after a family suicide and another terminail illness, both of which she did not support me in, nor come to either wake or funeral...i did not judge her...kept the friendship going long distance...phone calls...support for her conflict w family, etc...now we were coming to her area again, let her know, asked her to join us...she says "I willl call you after your trip we are not working anymore for me...I will call you to wish you well instead of a text". (as I had called her 6 or more times asking to speak about our perspectives, our feelings...I loved her as a friend for over 30 YEARS...is this what BPDs do...just disengage over their perception of a wrong...after 30 years? I would never have judged or abandoned her...HELP PLEASE...I just cannot get my rational hands around this...what do I do...just let it go? remember we are a plane ride away...

[vincent11]

acknowledgm  it is ironic that you have 30 years in with her because that is what I had with mine too when he and I became involved.  Boy we weren't 2 weeks in and right in the middle of a conversation he accused me of calling him a name that absolutely was never spoken.  My first reaction was to laugh because his tone changed so abruptly and out of the blue I thought surely he had to be kidding...well, he WASN'T!  I learned very quickly he was not kidding in the slightest and I was so perplexed because his anger was so unwarranted.  I'm just not a name caller sort.  He cut me off for about 10 days or so but the next time it happened, he misread a text that offended him so badly he walked off and shut down for 3 months.  Again, *HE MISREAD THE TEXT*---NOT ONE SINGLE WORD of explanation did he feel he owed me for 3 months.  

Do you try to contact her at all?  If so, how often?  You've known her 30 years so what is her history like?  Has she been in and out of r/s?  Do you feel if you were able to get a face to face with her that she would be reasonable with you or willing to talk at all?  Does she seem the type that would even consider therapy?  I'm sure maybe some of these questions are tough to answer because obviously you thought you knew her quite well before all this happened and now here she shows you this side out of nowhere.  Trust me I feel your pain.  I have been there and I'm there again now.  Learn to take a deep breath and pace yourself.  She could call you any day or it could be weeks.  These situations are very unpredictable.  Obviously she felt very threatened and jealous of your activities and simply short circuited.  She simply does not know how to handle it so it sounds quite possible to me, if she is anything like my guy, that she is probably attempting to teach you a lesson by controlling you with fear and uncertainty, while also trying to get her anger and feelings of resentment under control.  This is how they tend to go about regulating their own emotions and achieving ultimate domination over your life.  By unplugging and walking away they find it's quite a quick and extremely effective way of accomplishing both at the same time.  They thrive in confusion...or should I say they get their high in the midst of chaos and seem to be very good at creating it at the drop of a hat.  

Please feel free to write back and share anything you wish.  I know you are in utter distress.  It is a nightmare trying to go on with the normal functions of daily living while trying to sort out and make sense of complete nonsense.  You feel like a soccer ball being kicked about for pure fun and amusement and you just wonder when the game will be over or *IF* it ever will be over. I can offer you this one piece of advice and I'm sure you already know it but...DO NOT under any circumstances contact her right now.  It will only reassure her that she has the leisure of taking her time in getting back to you at her whim, because it will only solidify her belief that you are waiting around like a good little boy.  The last thing you want to do is reward bad and rude behvior by making her feel secure and coddled in her decision to be very disrespectful and cruel.  I know the temptation is there but DON'T DO IT!  Please write when you can.  I'm here to listen and support you.

Her "beef" was that I came to "her area" and did not let her know...2 YEARS AGO after a family suicide and another terminail illness, both of which she did not support me in, nor come to either wake or funeral...i did not judge her...kept the friendship going long distance...phone calls...support for her conflict w family, etc...now we were coming to her area again, let her know, asked her to join us...she says "I willl call you after your trip we are not working anymore for me...I will call you to wish you well instead of a text". (as I had called her 6 or more times asking to speak about our perspectives, our feelings...I loved her as a friend for over 30 YEARS...is this what BPDs do...just disengage over their perception of a wrong...after 30 years? I would never have judged or abandoned her...HELP PLEASE...I just cannot get my rational hands around this...what do I do...just let it go? remember we are a plane ride away...

[vincent11]

acknowledgm  it is ironic that you have 30 years in with her because that is what I had with mine too when he and I became involved.  Boy we weren't 2 weeks in and right in the middle of a conversation he accused me of calling him a name that absolutely was never spoken.  My first reaction was to laugh because his tone changed so abruptly and out of the blue I thought surely he had to be kidding...well, he WASN'T!  I learned very quickly he was not kidding in the slightest and I was so perplexed because his anger was so unwarranted.  I'm just not a name caller sort.  He cut me off for about 10 days or so but the next time it happened, he misread a text that offended him so badly he walked off and shut down for 3 months.  Again, *HE MISREAD THE TEXT*---NOT ONE SINGLE WORD of explanation did he feel he owed me for 3 months. 

Do you try to contact her at all?  If so, how often?  You've known her 30 years so what is her history like?  Has she been in and out of r/s?  Do you feel if you were able to get a face to face with her that she would be reasonable with you or willing to talk at all?  Does she seem the type that would even consider therapy?  I'm sure maybe some of these questions are tough to answer because obviously you thought you knew her quite well before all this happened and now here she shows you this side out of nowhere.  Trust me I feel your pain.  I have been there and I'm there again now.  Learn to take a deep breath and pace yourself.  She could call you any day or it could be weeks.  These situations are very unpredictable.  Obviously she felt very threatened and jealous of your activities and simply short circuited.  She simply does not know how to handle it so it sounds quite possible to me, if she is anything like my guy, that she is probably attempting to teach you a lesson by controlling you with fear and uncertainty, while also trying to get her anger and feelings of resentment under control.  This is how they tend to go about regulating their own emotions and achieving ultimate domination over your life.  By unplugging and walking away they find it's quite a quick and extremely effective way of accomplishing both at the same time.  They thrive in confusion...or should I say they get their high in the midst of chaos and seem to be very good at creating it at the drop of a hat. 

Please feel free to write back and share anything you wish.  I know you are in utter distress.  It is a nightmare trying to go on with the normal functions of daily living while trying to sort out and make sense of complete nonsense.  You feel like a soccer ball being kicked about for pure fun and amusement and you just wonder when the game will be over or *IF* it ever will be over. I can offer you this one piece of advice and I'm sure you already know it but...DO NOT under any circumstances contact her right now.  It will only reassure her that she has the leisure of taking her time in getting back to you at her whim, because it will only solidify her belief that you are waiting around like a good little boy.  The last thing you want to do is reward bad and rude behvior by making her feel secure and coddled in her decision to be very disrespectful and cruel.  I know the temptation is there but DON'T DO IT!  Please write when you can.  I'm here to listen and support you.

I have posted this twice to be sure you do get it.  If it does post twice please accept my apologies.  Having some glitches tonight.

acknowledgm  it is ironic that you have 30 years in with her because that is what I had with mine too when he and I became involved.  Boy we weren't 2 weeks in and right in the middle of a conversation he accused me of calling him a name that absolutely was never spoken.  My first reaction was to laugh because his tone changed so abruptly and out of the blue I thought surely he had to be kidding...well, he WASN'T!  I learned very quickly he was not kidding in the slightest and I was so perplexed because his anger was so unwarranted.  I'm just not a name caller sort.  He cut me off for about 10 days or so but the next time it happened, he misread a text that offended him so badly he walked off and shut down for 3 months.  Again, *HE MISREAD THE TEXT*---NOT ONE SINGLE WORD of explanation did he feel he owed me for 3 months.  

Do you try to contact her at all?  If so, how often?  You've known her 30 years so what is her history like?  Has she been in and out of r/s?  Do you feel if you were able to get a face to face with her that she would be reasonable with you or willing to talk at all?  Does she seem the type that would even consider therapy?  I'm sure maybe some of these questions are tough to answer because obviously you thought you knew her quite well before all this happened and now here she shows you this side out of nowhere.  Trust me I feel your pain.  I have been there and I'm there again now.  Learn to take a deep breath and pace yourself.  She could call you any day or it could be weeks.  These situations are very unpredictable.  Obviously she felt very threatened and jealous of your activities and simply short circuited.  She simply does not know how to handle it so it sounds quite possible to me, if she is anything like my guy, that she is probably attempting to teach you a lesson by controlling you with fear and uncertainty, while also trying to get her anger and feelings of resentment under control.  This is how they tend to go about regulating their own emotions and achieving ultimate domination over your life.  By unplugging and walking away they find it's quite a quick and extremely effective way of accomplishing both at the same time.  They thrive in confusion...or should I say they get their high in the midst of chaos and seem to be very good at creating it at the drop of a hat.  

Please feel free to write back and share anything you wish.  I know you are in utter distress.  It is a nightmare trying to go on with the normal functions of daily living while trying to sort out and make sense of complete nonsense.  You feel like a soccer ball being kicked about for pure fun and amusement and you just wonder when the game will be over or *IF* it ever will be over. I can offer you this one piece of advice and I'm sure you already know it but...DO NOT under any circumstances contact her right now.  It will only reassure her that she has the leisure of taking her time in getting back to you at her whim, because it will only solidify her belief that you are waiting around like a good little boy.  The last thing you want to do is reward bad and rude behvior by making her feel secure and coddled in her decision to be very disrespectful and cruel.  I know the temptation is there but DON'T DO IT!  Please write when you can.  I'm here to listen and support you.

Her "beef" was that I came to "her area" and did not let her know...2 YEARS AGO after a family suicide and another terminail illness, both of which she did not support me in, nor come to either wake or funeral...i did not judge her...kept the friendship going long distance...phone calls...support for her conflict w family, etc...now we were coming to her area again, let her know, asked her to join us...she says "I willl call you after your trip we are not working anymore for me...I will call you to wish you well instead of a text". (as I had called her 6 or more times asking to speak about our perspectives, our feelings...I loved her as a friend for over 30 YEARS...is this what BPDs do...just disengage over their perception of a wrong...after 30 years? I would never have judged or abandoned her...HELP PLEASE...I just cannot get my rational hands around this...what do I do...just let it go? remember we are a plane ride away...

[FriedaB]

Yes,  this  is  EXACTLY  what  they  are  like.  They  are  not  capable  of  change.  Why  would  you  want  a  "friend"  like  this  ?

[acknowledgement]

Her pattern is to silence, degrade, cut off, perceive wrongdoings from all of her family members and several friends; looking back, she did give me the silent treatment for a few days over the years, but it always blew over and I was always to blame, and could never even understand her perception when she would say things like I am not your priority, everything is always your way; when in essence, everything is usually her way or the highway. She has disowned her mother, aunt, both brothers and other friends have left her; she is trying to "nail" me and demand a confession to a perceived lie from TWO YEARS AGO when I "lyed by ommission" and did not inform her I was in her area...she also did not support me over these 2 years with two tragic deaths in my immediate family - suicide and cancer demise...I accepted this and never called her out on it...now she is texting only - nasty - calling me a liar, what about your lying self...when I try to say I would like to speak to her to talk things through she says - it is not about you...it is about me and what I need...when I told her I was coming to her area and would love to see her (this was prior to ANY indication of anything wrong, and we were planning a weekend together next month)! she seemed okay, and then poof out of nowhere these texts and e mails about lying from omision from TWO YEARS AGO...and now I let her know we were about hour and half from her and asked if we could talk or get together and speak instead of texting, she send nasty text again saying "we are not working for me anymore. you are right I will call you to wish you well after your trip instead of just texting it." Wow. can't even get a handle around the irrationality and cut off completely of a relationship that seemed fine two weeks ago, making plans, talking every week...friends for decades...part of me is relieved, part of me knows I would never abandon a family member or friendship and would always accept people and work things through...being I have no choice, and she probably won't even call, she has cut me off through a text after three weeks of silent treatment...this has to be classic BPD? please give some perspective - all of my friends and family say she has always been selfish, crazy and irrational...she is now speaking with some of her family some of the time, but ALWAYS WITH CONFLICT judgment and scorn...

[phoebe]

acknowledgement
WOW! I thought I was reading my own story when I read your post. My friend and I reconnected after 20 years and were "Best friends forever, no matter what"(her words to me) In the time we reconnected we were so close...I was so happy to have reconnected with her. Then just one day she stopped talking to me after talking to me everyday for 2 years, and me going to visit her twice. I had no clue about BPD, and was totally shocked after she wrote me an email that said I was a psycho stalker, and I was making her hate me. When I tried to call her she would not answer accept for 1 time, and she just picked up the phone and told me to "Never call her again." She unfriended me from Facebook and blocked me from all of her social network sites. It was horrible pain I felt. I came across this BPD Family board a few months after this happened. I emailed her alot to try and get some sort of reasonable answer. She ended up trying to take out a restraining order on me(we live a couple thosand miles apart) It was all so confusing for me. I don't know what happened, and probably never will, but I know through a mutal friend that she has written all kinds of stuff about me on her Facebook...Like "I have stalked her for 24 years"...just all kinds of mean things, "the only reason she stayed friends with me was because I told her I had MS" (which I do) but now she claims I was lying. She has said so many things to people she knows,that do not know me, they side with her, and comment all kinds of mean stuff about this situation on her Facebook...It's easy to take sides I guess when you only know one side. I do miss my friend everyday,but something triggered her, and that led her to get rid of me as her friend. I wish I could have talked to her rationally about this, but you can't apply logic to an illogical person. It's been almost 3 years now, not a day goes by that I do not think about my friend, and all of the good times we shared,but the person I knew is gone...At least to me she is. I hope that does not happen between you and your friend, but I have learned on these boards that these people are a ticking time bomb, they cannot handle close emotional relationships...it's sad because I know that I loved my friend unconditionally, and thought there would be many years of visits to each other and vacations, just being good friends, and enjoying our middle age just hanging out when time allowed. It all came to a very abrupt end...I was painted black, and turned into some evil demon. It really does bother me everyday,however, I do know the only control I have is over myself. I know I am not the cause of her dysregulation, I know who I am and that I did not do anything to her, nor do I deserve the treatment, but she is suffering with a PD that she does not want to admit to, therefor she cannot control it. End of story. I just pray for her all the time that she will one day get the help she needs. Thats all any of us can do.

[acknowledgement]

wow thanks...the ticking time bomb hit home...she was always trying to NAIL someone about something...I pray for her, too and that brings me peace...and although I miss the fun memories and who I thought she was...I am beginning to see her for exactly who she was...and maybe that's why she bolted because I was starting to see the real her...(although I would never have abandoned her...she prob sensed some of my emotional distancing because I did not trust her with my emotions or with confidentiality, as she was always JUDGING everyone)...we are so better off without them in our lives - they actually did us rational people a favor because we would have just kept them in our lives unconditionally!

[vincent11]

Rise everything you have said...EVERY LAST WORD of it is so incredibly spot on!  There is no making sense of it and the crime never fits the punishment either.  You are SO RIGHT that it can go on for hours or months!  I have personally been on the receiving end of both.  You are simply banished and relegated to evil status until *THEY* decide otherwise.  To anyone who is unmarried, I would strongly encourage you to realize that you are VERY MUCH in control of your OWN LIFE regardless of how destructive they are.  You still DO in fact retain the right to either go or stay.  I honestly feel half the trauma in dealing with this is that we get so caught off guard and swept up in their behavior that we forgt we have a great deal of control too...but it is strictly limited to our OWN lives.  But if you look at the big picture none of us, even with the best behaved/healthy partners have any control over a significant other or friend, so it all comes down to realizing and accepting we can only decide what happens on our own end anyway.  The behavior of a BPD is often so hurtful and so "OUT OF NOWHERE" that it immediately compels us to respond by focusing far too much on *THEM* and trying to gain some amount of control over the other person's bad behavior because we simply want the pain and the discord to go away.  This is where they get their nonBPD's in chase mode and that treadmill has no end...let me tell ya.

This is when it is most important to calm and center ourselves because, again, it's not as if we can ever have control over another human being's choices or behaviors anyway.  Our time will be best spent strengthening "SELF" and remaining as calm, collected and removed from their emotional chaos as possible.  It's almost like foolishly jumping into an ocean thinking you can save a suicidal person.  If you think you can maintain your own survival while trying to battle the massive waves and the flailing arms of someone who is not only determined to do combat with you, but fully intends to self-destruct in the process, you're thinking is becoming as distorted as theirs is.  You must self contain, self-preserve, prepare and arm yourself with as much useable knowledge as you can possibly muster because how ill-prepared will you be if they suddenly return and you have simply wasted all that time merely focusing on them and fretting about whether or not they are ever coming back?  And this is also a very real possibility too...THEY MAY come back!  Then what?  So use the time prudently to prepare yourself in case the unthinkable happens and you suddenly find your phone or your doorbell ringing.

I understand the shock of this all. One minute you are doing fine, the next you're the worst person on the face of the planet. And for almost no reason at all. Try to understand, with BPD, there are few shades of gray. Emotions are all black and white, and right now you've been painted black. You've been vilified. And while I wish I could tell you how long this will last, there just isn't any sort of set time. I've seen it last hours, I've seen it last months. You just cannot tell, because it's a completely irrational thing.

I wish I could give you advice on how to validate you friend, and address her issues, but sadly these are skills I'm learning myself. I'm getting better at these sorts of things, and have been sitting here trying to channel many of the people that have advised me on similar problems, but I just don't think I'd do you justice, and I'd rather say nothing than give you flawed advice that may make things worse for you.  The sad truth is, most of us on the leaving board aren't really equipped to give you advice on fixing/rescuing your friendship. I'm not trying to dismiss you, but the staying boards have members that are a lot more experienced with this sort of thing, and are better suited to give you advice on making things work.

The only other advice I can offer is be prepared for the possibility that nothing you do or say may fix this. It's a terribly sad thing, but unfortunately, sometimes there is nothing we can do. I hope it doesn't come to this for you, but at least be aware it is a possibility, so if it does, you won't be taken completely off-guard.

[acknowledgement]

WOW. Thank you...I am better prepared from this support board! I told her that she has her own perceptions and judgments...that is when I got the "WE ARE NOT WORKING ANYMORE FOR ME" line...somewhat of a relief...sure we are not working for her anymore because we are not putting up with her irrational judgmental holding bound perceptions and we are not chasing her...my husband knows she lied to him, to me, and she is trying to turn it around and say we are the liars! How can they perceive this reality is real...how do they put their head down on the pillow? It is so irrational...is this the mental illness that defines BPD//

[redberry]

Acknowledgement, the others are right. The person with BPD will not be big on going back and discussing what went wrong or talking things through. They want to forget things like that.  So if your friend is ever in contact with you again, a discussion about this incident will only make things worse.

With that in mind, you have to ask yourself...  Is it really a good idea to give priority to someone in your life who is unable to have an honest discussion about something that is important to you?  It is very much a one way street with these people.  All take and no give.

When push comes to shove, they definitely don't have our backs.  They will sell us out for a nickel.