Mid-life crisis and/or BPD related?

[Think About It...]

Posted this in another thread & in an effort to keep from hijacking said thread, I am starting anew here:

The "cheating" thread brought up some questions in my mind about my dBPDh.
 I have been going through some changes over the past 2-3 years dealing with female stuff. These changes have been hard on both me & my H.

He denies his diagnosis & refuses to get help or meds. He started running & getting in shape a couple of years ago. Before, he was a couch potato & I did everything - house, bills, yards, kids, etc. Now he is obsessed with keeping in shape. (He turned 45yo 4 months ago.)

Also, he always wanted me to buy all of his clothes, toieitries, etc. Couldn't have cared less what I got. Suddenly, he starts buying his own stuff, all smell good men's lotion, after shave, deodorant, special hair care stuff, teeth whitening, etc. He has never even worn cologne, even though I liked it when he did.

While he is becoming self appearance obsessed, the female changes I have gone through have made it very hard for me to lose any weight & keep in shape. I homeschool our 4 kids & so I am home all day & not getting dressed for an office job or anything. Not that I am ugly or a slob, just struggling with my own "stuff".

I have never really worried about him cheating before, but I am starting to wonder now. This could just be a typical "his midlife crisis", "her female changes". But as my own emotional state has made it much less likely for me to validate him, I do wonder also, how will his BPD play into this stage in our marriage.

[onAmission]

Posted this in another thread & in an effort to keep from hijacking said thread, I am starting anew here:

The "cheating" thread brought up some questions in my mind about my dBPDh.
 I have been going through some changes over the past 2-3 years dealing with female stuff. These changes have been hard on both me & my H.

He denies his diagnosis & refuses to get help or meds. He started running & getting in shape a couple of years ago. Before, he was a couch potato & I did everything - house, bills, yards, kids, etc. Now he is obsessed with keeping in shape. (He turned 45yo 4 months ago.)

Also, he always wanted me to buy all of his clothes, toieitries, etc. Couldn't have cared less what I got. Suddenly, he starts buying his own stuff, all smell good men's lotion, after shave, deodorant, special hair care stuff, teeth whitening, etc. He has never even worn cologne, even though I liked it when he did.

While he is becoming self appearance obsessed, the female changes I have gone through have made it very hard for me to lose any weight & keep in shape. I homeschool our 4 kids & so I am home all day & not getting dressed for an office job or anything. Not that I am ugly or a slob, just struggling with my own "stuff".

I have never really worried about him cheating before, but I am starting to wonder now. This could just be a typical "his midlife crisis", "her female changes". But as my own emotional state has made it much less likely for me to validate him, I do wonder also, how will his BPD play into this stage in our marriage.

[yeeter]

Hi Amission

These type of actions are worth noting IMO.  And worthy of some discussion about where you both are at with your life satisfaction, goals, etc.

At the same time, is there an imbalance of duties or resources or priority or motivation that is preventing you from keeping your own self fit and healthy?

Midlife crisis could very well be different with a BPD, due to the type of things that give them validation and satisfaction. 

[Steph]

 Its really important in this time of your life that you DO take the time to take care of yourself.

See your dentist...our teeth arent the reliable little army they used to be. See an eye doc, as our eyes change. START WORKING OUT! Join the Y, or Curves( awesome 30 minute workout for busy moms) or get out there and start running with your husband. Losing weight at this time in your life is about the roughest time there is, and it makes SO much sense to get working out AND eat a healthy diet..or the pounds WILL pile on ( higher lean protein, no refined sugar, no pop...either sugared or not... for a start.

  Its possible that the more physically fit he became, the more he cared about his appearance. It makes sense and I see it every day with the women I work with.  Exercise is relaly good for people, and people with mental illness benefit very much!

It makes sense for you to join the bandwagon, also!

  Also, bcps can really help the mood swings. Ask your doc!

We all go thru it, and the moods can be controlled and managed with some changes of your own. Exercise REALLY helps, including sleep.

Steph

[waverider]

Many men go through this around this age, it is a sudden realization of no longer being young and fit as they were once. It is a realization that hits suddenly like a wake up call. It is like a need to take a sudden catch up leap forward, but is often acted out as trying to leap back to what they were, and relive, or recreate. Often to redo what they think they may have missed out on.

There will be a desire, and consequence, of moving in new circles and have new friends and acquaintances. It is important for any partner in any such relationship to stay involved. If the approach of just eye rolling and let them get it out of their system is taken, then a huge gap in common wants and needs can open which can be very damaging. With BPD then extreme changes like this can be even more extreme. Do not let togetherness drift or something will come in to fill that gap. This midlife crisis in men is very obsessive and overpowering, they feel a very real feeling of drowning in stagnation. It is probably the closest a non gets to feeling and acting BPD behavior.

Do not ignore it and try to sit it out, it can be disastrous in BPD. Do not act like a mother who is looking after a rebellious teenager, they will go find other teenagers to hang with.

[onAmission]

Hi Amission


At the same time, is there an imbalance of duties or resources or priority or motivation that is preventing you from keeping your own self fit and healthy?

Actually, yes, there are very real reasons which have contributed to my current health situation. It has been a lifelong struggle for me. I am 44yo. When I was 17yo, I was shot through the shoulder with a 30/30 rifle by a man who was having a drug party at his house when I got lost & turned around in his driveway. He was convicted...etc... The bullet tore most of my right clavicle out (my H, then boyfriend, found chunks of my bone in his Senior mug which was in the car at the time) & destroyed the nerves in the center of my Brachial Plexis (the bundle of nerves in your shoulder that make your arm feel & work.) After years of horrific therapy & a nerve graft taking nerves from my leg to piece the nerves in my arm back together, I finally regained some use of my arm. I was on heavy narcotics during this time & my body became immune to many of them rendering me helpless when I was in pain. Don't get me wrong, I am SO thankful I have ANY use of my arm as I could not move a finger at first.

Eventually, I learned to live life again & over the next 20 years, I went on to marry, have 4 kids, work, homeschool 4 kids, etc. ( My 18yo just graduated). However, over the past several years, the pain has become more intense again & I have lost some dexterity in my arm & hand. I have a neurologist helping me with this. There is no "rebuilding" (some physical therapists just do not get this) the collar bone obviously, and because the shoulder sags, pressure is placed directly on the nerves in the shoulder unless it is always propped. Has proved to be a challenge, but I manage. Problem is, walking, running, & many other forms of physical activity will compress the nerves & send me into hours of untamed pain. Heck, I don't even like to shop because it takes just a few mins & the pain hits. Deep nerve pain is like no other.

So that has been a huge roadblock for me when it comes to staying "physical". You asked about resources... I assume you mean $. Well, there is no extra money even if I were able to work out in a health club. There is no $ for me to keep my wardrobe refreshed. We just sent 3 of our 4 kids to Bible camp. They needed a few new clothing items. We went shopping for them last weekend. I was thrilled to get an unexpected discount coupon from a friend for a local discount store. I also had a $25 gift card to the same store which H had given me last Christmas. He did not have a gift for me but on Christmas Eve, because my Mother was visiting, he did not want to look bad to her (& I always get a gift for him) so he went at the last second to buy the card, very begrudgingly & I knew it. Between the coupon & gift card, I saved him nearly $60 & he was STILL pissed at me for not doing better & spending too much.

So, the resources are just not there. Of course he blames me for that too because I am not bringing in any actual $ at this time. My job has been to raise 4 kids, teach 4 kids, keep a house of 6 running, etc. He was fired when I was 4 months pregnant with baby 3. He got a new job but for 10K less a year. I started my own Avon business and made more than enough to keep our house & then some. I spent over 8 hours a day delivering orders to customers while having 2 toddlers & one baby in tow. I had to pull over several times a day to either nurse a baby, change a diaper, spank a toddler or find a potty. I did this for years. When baby 4 came along, maybe it was my age, I don't know, but it just knocked the wind out o my sails & I kept trying but my body seemed to give out on me. He has NO appreciation of the $ I earned to keep us in our house. He acts as if I have sat on my butt for 20 years doing nothing. Now, when I need support SO much, he chooses to forget my efforts &, instead, tear me to shreds

That could be contributing to my lack of motivation. I am just TIRED.

Now, as a woman, I find myself going through perimenopause about 10 years before my time. A genetic thing it seems. It is making me... well... motivation is almost non-existent in my vocabulary at the moment if it requires any amount of energy. Honestly, I think I am doing good to avoid baseball bats at the moment.

I mean, giving ALL of your energy to a person who is not only going to suck it all up & give you nothing but grief in return... as well as seek out ways to destroy you in so many ways.  Well, the fight gets tiring. And it sure does present a roadblock to becoming fit & healthy.

[onAmission]

After reviewing my blood work & symptoms, my GYN now wants to do more tests for ovarian cancer. This is a lonely place to be. I am not going to panic, but I AM human & the idea of cancer does make me nervous. I do not want to talk to my H about this because I do not want the hurt of him just blowing it off & trying to find a way to make it my fault (yep - I gave myself cancer)   

Of course, I do not want to worry loved ones when it may not be cancer at all. I would love to talk to my Mom for support, but she has her own health issues & I do not want her to worry. I can't talk to my sister since H hates her & has made a relationship between her & I impossible. I feel all alone & afraid. I am to have the main ultrasound done tomorrow. And, as usual, I am going to face it with no support from my H.
 

[Steph]

 What was found that is worrying your gyn?

[onAmission]

What was found that is worrying your gyn?

Some of the red blood cell counts. She called to talk to me about them & when she started asking me specific questions about symptoms (which I had not mentioned because I thought they had nothing to do with menopause), I had several physical symptoms of ovarian cancer. Of course, those symptoms could be from other health issues, but need to rule out OC first.

The exam was done today & the ultrasound tech sent a report to my GYN. I should hear from her this week.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Yes, I can understand.

I do have two practical tips:

1)  Goodwill has 50% off every Monday sale...clothing.  They have such amazing stuff.  Create your own style...make it your own personal reflection.  Put on make up and "work clothes" every day because you do work.  Dress as though you teach in a school, not at home.

2)  There are websites that will tell you exactly how much you have "earned" with your work.  Everything you do has a monetary value.  Find your monetary self-worth (cook---average annual salary...x amount, Nanny to 4 children...average annual salary   x amount...and you need to double it because you are a 24 hour Nanny, butler, social secretary, event planner, chauffeur and gopher...add all these up).  This is for YOU primarily, not something necessarily to flaunt.

3)  The issue at this time is your own relationship is at jeopardy.  When this happens, it is time to reinvent yourself.  For instance, I was the skinniest, ugliest, darkest duckling you can ever imagine.  I reinvented myself into quite a graceful swan...with my own brand of compassion, humor AND clothing and style.  Yes, I have an extensive wardrobe of exquisitely beautiful clothing all from Thrift stores...I wear only silk and satin...even p.j.'s are stylish and made of real silk. 

4)  Treat yourself by having a candlelight sitdown lunch with music that you like in the background.

5)  Walk while talking on the phone, exercise where your injured parts are not involved...whenever and wherever you can.

6)  Expect support from us and your family and friends...men (including my loving husband) are usually quite ignorant of female issues as are we to theirs.  Accept gender differences and gender communication gap...and utilize other resources.  When fatigued, be direct..."I am fatigued today, so would you mind doing the dishes?"

7)  You need approval from no one but yourself.  Put on red lipstick while you vacuum.  Why the heck not?  Our actions are disciplined, but Gosh darn it...our minds and imaginations ought to be free...fantasize about being a queen going to attend a ball while you put on your mascara.

Finally, here is a puzzle that has no answer.  I went through this tremendous guilt of "not earning" myself after having left a successful and lucrative corporate America carrear to be a stay at home Mom.

Here is the puzzling question:  A household is a leaky bucket.  What is the monetary value of the finger that stops the leak?