What is the reason for the silent treatment?

[Think About It...]

Absolutely, well said. Thanks for your kind words also. By the second year, you'll be through the thick of it although everybody is different. Be good to yourself.

[bpdlover]

Absolutely, well said. Thanks for your kind words also. By the second year, you'll be through the thick of it although everybody is different. Be good to yourself.

[mgl210]

I don't know if I will survive it past the first year...:-(

The pain is too intense for me...

[myself]

it is so unfair: the energy ratio.
Us consumed
Them happy

It's the difference between the surface and the deep. For us, being consumed this way is a temporary situation. We've found real happiness before and we will again. With BPD, they're always being consumed, excluding the chance for lasting happiness of any kind, it seems. The deep for us while painful at times is what helps us grow. When it comes time, we face ourselves. We respect what's in there. The deep for them is what brings about their misery, and whatever they can do to avoid it they do.

The surface is something we're attracted to, but we're really drawn towards the deep. That's where a lot of us got mixed up. The deep we knew was in there turned out to be one that damaged us. It shook us to the core. Imagine: Their cores are always shaking. No matter what it looks like on the surface. Beneath that it's constant undertow.

They keep bouncing back and forth between their surface and their deep, never resting, or changing the patterns for the better, or finding a balance. With time and effort, learning more, relaxing into it, we're able to not only rest, change, and find balance, but to feel and be happy. As deeply as we can. The difference between the energies involved is that while ours are mixed up for awhile, we'll be more positive having gone through the process. Theirs will stay mixed up in the most negative of ways.

[mgl210]

Myself,
I respect your view and i love your insight...However, I know I will sound like a true idiot when I say this...
But can you break down what you just said in english...All your terminology confused me to death...


Sorry!

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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[bb12]

Thx Myself
Wonderfully put. And that's why I am coming to a place of pity and forgiveness.
Bb12

[tcevans78]

Well, when he is down and depressed and decides to talk it usually ends up covering all of the following, beginning with whatever is current.  His failure at his past relationships and how he treated them poorly, his poor treatment of his mother, bad money management, guilt of lying and manipulating, treating his siblings poorly when they were kids, quitting salsa dancing, neglecting his company for salsa dancing, not taking care of his appearance enough, neglecting responsibilities, not being able to control his emotions and being tired of it.  Then once he has it off his chest, usually crying, he starts to say pittifully, "you know I'm a good guy." And starts to list off all his good qualities, all his improvements, and what he's doing to try to improve himself. 

It's so completely important I DO NOT SPEAK OR MUMBLE A SINGLE PEEP DURING THIS TIME.  If I can accomplish this the overwhelming feeling will pass and he can feel better.  If I say one single word -even if I'm agreeing or just saying 'yeah' then I'm just picking a fight.  He will say it's prrof I don't offer a safe place to be himself and that I don't listen and why do I have to make it about me. 

Does this answer your question?

[HazelJade]

I don't know if I will survive it past the first year...:-(

The pain is too intense for me...

mgl, this is for you.
I know what kind of pain you are going through, we all know here, but as someone who's been surviving the very same thing (vanishing + silent treatment) I really, really hear you. So this will be a sort of "rescue remedy", at least I hope so.

Please stay away from  usual friends right now. You will reconnect with them later on, but right now they are just not able to underastand you; I know how invalidated, wrong, pathetic one can feel when reaching out to be helped by the "wrong" people. They are not "wrong" in absolute terms, they are just wrong right now, cause this pain is NOT something people can normally relate to. It can be worst than losing someone through death, I think. You are very fragile, and lost, right now, and you have all the reasons to be; as someone here pointed out, in a way, it IS a healthy reaction to be facing such pain, cause you are not a robot, and seeing the person you loved vanishing into thin air can truly be devastating. So, choose carefully who you talk to. Protect yourself, be extremely patient with yourself, follow your instinct.

Find a very good therapist, possibly a relational therapy one, and lean on him/her. I had never had therapy before in my life, but I think I would have gone crazy without it.

Apply some reverse psychology to yourself; if it's true that you can't apply reason to a pwBPD's behaviour, I'm of the opinion that you can't apply reason neither to YOUR behaviour right now; i know what you mean when you say "Im really trying". Well, remember to take some breaks from trying; you need support too. So; this is my secret tool, the only thing that helped me fighting the urge to call my ex:  The thought that not accepting his behavior, expecting him to treat me with respect, was the thing that , deep down, he would respect the most, and possibly save some good memories about me, and that I wasn't acting out of need or desperation but out of love, showing him what self-respect is. I know it sounds pathetic, but it prevented me from calling and now I KNOW it was the right thing to do, so even if others may disagree with me I think that at times of intense turmoil the end do justifies the means.. Listen mgl ... there's nothing you can say "right enough" to her right now, while being in such pain. Think that the only chance of having her back lies in your regaining strength and calm. When you'll feel better ... you'll see what the next step is for yourself.

With thoughts of courage, dignity, and respect.
I'm rooting for you

[bpdlover]

Well, when he is down and depressed and decides to talk it usually ends up covering all of the following, beginning with whatever is current.  His failure at his past relationships and how he treated them poorly, his poor treatment of his mother, bad money management, guilt of lying and manipulating, treating his siblings poorly when they were kids, quitting salsa dancing, neglecting his company for salsa dancing, not taking care of his appearance enough, neglecting responsibilities, not being able to control his emotions and being tired of it.  Then once he has it off his chest, usually crying, he starts to say pittifully, "you know I'm a good guy." And starts to list off all his good qualities, all his improvements, and what he's doing to try to improve himself.  

It's so completely important I DO NOT SPEAK OR MUMBLE A SINGLE PEEP DURING THIS TIME.  If I can accomplish this the overwhelming feeling will pass and he can feel better.  If I say one single word -even if I'm agreeing or just saying 'yeah' then I'm just picking a fight.  He will say it's prrof I don't offer a safe place to be himself and that I don't listen and why do I have to make it about me.  

Does this answer your question?

This sounds familiar. There is basically a checklist and she works through her feelings hiding away from the world, day to day. Some days an event, television show, seduction or visit from a friend will point her in a different direction, but basically she survives. With all that intense pain and lack of reasoning in her, she adds guilt because she isn't truly in the moment and responsive to her children despite preparing their meals and telling them off for being noisy. If anybody else points this out, she tells you she is the best parent in the world. For two years she has been processing our bizarre break up. Top of mind or not, it is in there. I saw the way she processed her ex right through our association. It may be through different "love" objects, religion or therapy, thinking herself into a pulp, getting obsessive about a new creative or career pursuit, focusing on one or all of her children or re-inventing her personality. While many people and a part of me might want to tell her, grow up, get a job, take responsibility and do some inner homework, the mountain is bigger than that. Being a child in an adults body may keep her trapped in the cycle. She has created her own disney, trying to run from the pain she can't escape.