How to break out of silent treatment

[Think About It...]

Hi all,

I just joined this morning.  Please see my introductory post "Think my BF is BPD" in the new members section; it delineates my situation in considerable detail.

There are a lot of resources to read here, and I see I've got my work cut out for me.  I would like to start working on validation...however, as I mentioned in my initial post, my BF has been giving me the silent treatment for almost a month now.  I've tried so many things to get through to him.  I've tried leaving him alone and giving him his space.  I've tried quietly sitting in the same room, just using my laptop, checking email, whatever, just to show that I'm there for him.  I've tried making benign conversation about the weather (get no response at all).  Saying "Hi" or "Have a nice day at work" gets no response.  I tried talking about the situation about a week ago, as I stated in my initial post, showing that I understand he "feels like I am out to get him", etc., and all he did was continue to twist things around, push me away, and say we're just not good for each other.  He only talks when necessary, i.e., asking if I've fed the dog, if the dryer was fixed, etc.  Simple yes/no type responses. 

How do I break through this?  I'd like to have another talk, now that I know more about validation, but I'm afraid it will just blow up in my face again.  I'm going to see a new counselor tonight for the first time, to tell him about the situation.  My boyfriend is going away for the weekend to visit family (and honestly, at this point, I'm worried he's thinking about moving out/kicking me out, since he said he wants to break up, so I feel I need to address this now).  I'd like to tell him tonight that I have seen a counselor, to show him that I care and want to work on things.  Is this a wise decision?  Any advice from anyone who has been through a similar situation?

Thanks so much.  I appreciate any guidance/feedback.

[Lily_Stargazer]

Hi all,

I just joined this morning.  Please see my introductory post "Think my BF is BPD" in the new members section; it delineates my situation in considerable detail.

There are a lot of resources to read here, and I see I've got my work cut out for me.  I would like to start working on validation...however, as I mentioned in my initial post, my BF has been giving me the silent treatment for almost a month now.  I've tried so many things to get through to him.  I've tried leaving him alone and giving him his space.  I've tried quietly sitting in the same room, just using my laptop, checking email, whatever, just to show that I'm there for him.  I've tried making benign conversation about the weather (get no response at all).  Saying "Hi" or "Have a nice day at work" gets no response.  I tried talking about the situation about a week ago, as I stated in my initial post, showing that I understand he "feels like I am out to get him", etc., and all he did was continue to twist things around, push me away, and say we're just not good for each other.  He only talks when necessary, i.e., asking if I've fed the dog, if the dryer was fixed, etc.  Simple yes/no type responses. 

How do I break through this?  I'd like to have another talk, now that I know more about validation, but I'm afraid it will just blow up in my face again.  I'm going to see a new counselor tonight for the first time, to tell him about the situation.  My boyfriend is going away for the weekend to visit family (and honestly, at this point, I'm worried he's thinking about moving out/kicking me out, since he said he wants to break up, so I feel I need to address this now).  I'd like to tell him tonight that I have seen a counselor, to show him that I care and want to work on things.  Is this a wise decision?  Any advice from anyone who has been through a similar situation?

Thanks so much.  I appreciate any guidance/feedback.

[OnceConfused]

Lily_stargazer:

I read your other post to get a feel for where you are coming from. I can feel your frustration and even your fear.

I am afraid that your bf has lots of baggages and he does not seem to see the problem as his. Furthermore, I can sense that you are taking the role of being submissive and are trying hard to be with him.

Your bf has nothing to lose here for (1) you are afraid of him, (2) he is in his home state and you are not, and (3) he shifts the blame for his negativity onto you, and (4) you seem to need him more than he needs you.

You can show him you work hard on getting help, but he has failed in meeting you half way. He needs to see that you have given up the old familiar place to move with him and he needs to be compassionate. Perhaps the negative treatment is just really who he is. So you are doing all the works in the relationhsip, and guess what one day your resentment will blow up and you will get out.

I think you need to use fire to treat fire. Give him back silent treatment. Don't try to say anything. You have got to let him know that you are not happy with the way he has treated you. Deep inside you have to be prepared mentally, psychologically and financially to walk out. Don't ever let him kick you out, you move out before he has the change of saying. After 1 week of silent treatment back to him, you can write him a short note to say :

"I am now ready to talk about our problems if you want to talk. If you don't then we need to say that as well."

You have got to accept the worst case, leaving him (and not being left by him). Unless he is willing to come out of his world and share a life with you, your r.s is doomed. It takes 2 to tango.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Lily_Stargazer]

OnceConfused,

Thanks for your feedback.  re: fighting fire with fire, well, I know I was angry at first, but I really want to approach this from a caring perspective.  Firm, but caring.  I want to let him know that I care, I want to work on things, we have a good support network here (caring friends/neighbors/landlords), and I've seen a therapist to help sort out my thoughts. 

The counselor I saw tonight suggested that I start keeping a journal, writing down how I feel, and that I then transfer parts of what I've written in the journal over to a note that I would write for my boyfriend.  Instead of trying to talk to him again, the counselor thinks I should write a note saying, "When you don't talk to me, it makes me feel [fill in the blank]," and so on.  The counselor and I also discussed getting my boyfriend to come in for a joint session, and that I could frame it in the context of me seeking help because of my anxiety and my own issues, and that the therapist would like to have his (my bf's) perspective on me since he has known me for a number of years.  In other words, making it seem like I am the problem (my bf already seems to think I am the problem, so this would go along with his line of thinking). 

Also, OnceConfused, you say that I am being submissive, he is not meeting me halfway, etc., but is that not par for the course with BPDs?  Or are there BPDs out there that will meet someone halfway?  I got the sense from all I've read so far that we non-BPDs kinda have to be submissive and patient, and, well, be the strong one because we are the healthy(er) one.   Any other input on this?

[OnceConfused]

Also, OnceConfused, you say that I am being submissive, he is not meeting me halfway, etc., but is that not par for the course with BPDs?  Or are there BPDs out there that will meet someone halfway?  I got the sense from all I've read so far that we non-BPDs kinda have to be submissive and patient, and, well, be the strong one because we are the healthy(er) one.   Any other input on this?

sorry, the strong one has already left the r.s way early on. We stay on longer because we also have some hangups as well. In a way, many of us who have stayed have a co-dependence tendency. We based our happiness on the others' happiness. Our relationship with BPD will not improve unless we fix our own co-dependency tendency. 

[bb12]

The longer I am out of my r/s the more I see that OnceConfused is right...in so far as our own co-dependency issues being a contributing factor to the break-down of the r/ship.
But I still find the cruely of the silent treatment (ironically falling under the verbal abuse category) almost beyond a human's ability to process.
My ex stopped talking to me last year, and never conceded again. I tried 'fire with fire' for a week, then two, then a month. I finally caved to request we chat it out.
He never, ever replied to all of those requests. Then the devastation amped up a notch and I pleaded, grovelled and did all sorts of things to re-engage.
And it is that shame that we are left to sit in...forever.
Humans are social creatures and this 'emotional murder' is the single cruellest thing I have ever expierienced, and I would challenge the claim that the 'stronger one has already left'. For the strength we need to call on, as we try to comprehend this sadistic and immature end, is beyond anything we have called on before. It goes to primal needs and schemas around social isolation, abandonment, rejection, unrelenting standards. Major psychological pillars are destroyed and require urgent rebuilding.
9 months since my ex began the silent treatment, I can still physically whince in pain...almost like I have been winded...at the lack of closure.
Yes, my co-dendency made for a clingy, needy period toward the end. But it was only triggered by a cowardly with-holding, then with-drawal and finally an uncommunicated decision that I was to be completely discarded...as if 2 years of our lives never happened.
If true healing hinges on forgiveness and letting it all go...how do we get there when someone has done the unforgiveable?
BB12

[GreenMango]

Lily

I'm in the same camp as OnceConfused here.  I also read your posts, and his behavior is pretty atrocious, but not surprising.  He does seem to be carrying around some hefty bag size baggage.  You mentioned you struggle with social anxiety, we also bring our own baggage in to our relationships.  

But, you can't do 100% of the work needed to save the relationship when only 50% belongs to you.  When people are in an active relationship with a person with BPD part of the lessons is accepting being the emotional caretaker, but not codependent.  Part of the risk of you getting better is that he will leave because you no longer focus 99% of your energy on him.  And it seems like he will try his hardest to make your path to getting better very difficult.  

You mention wanting to stop the silent treatment.  Unfortunately, you can't.  You can though, control when you will engage him when he comes back around.  You can reiterate your concerns and the need to have a talk, like OnceConfused said.  He only holds as much power as you give him.  

From what you've written it sounds like he is using the silent treatment as a way to control or punish.  When he doesn't like what he hears he silences you.  He tantrums, and from what you've written, runs home then graces you with his presence when he gets back with the expectation that you will know your place as to not upset him or talk about anything he doesn't want to.  Pandering to someone's childlike crap won't make a relationship based on mutual respect, consideration, and communication.  This is walking on eggshells.  

Part of the lessons on the Staying Board is do not validate abuse.  If he gets nasty and yells, leave the room.  In no way do you have to be the dumping ground for his emotional garbage.  If you really want to stick it out with him start posting on the Staying Board for tips.

It's very important, if you want to work on this relationship, that you are in a good, solid place yourself.  It can take a lot out of you if you aren't, shoot it can be difficult even if you are.  Putting your own basic needs first is not selfish.    

If it was a choice between you getting better, your basic needs met for a relationship (which are not out of line) and him leaving you or you tow his line, not getting better and keeping him in your life what do you think you would decide to do?

Have you tried read any of the workshops or lessons from Staying?

GM

PS  Is your therapist experienced with BPD or PDs?

[RUkidding]

Good riddance to him. You are dealing with the maturity of a 3 year old it is. NOT going to change. You deserve better . How some continue to think about what more we can learn and how we can do better . That's why it doesn't end the story of the emotional black hole it will suck in everything including you. They need to learn and get help not u .