When She Says She Wants to Get Back Together

[Think About It...]

After trading texts with my ex about our 10yo son's first day at camp, the texts were overlapping. I figured I would call her. We talked about his day (exhausted) and then she turned the conversation to her thoughts about our relationship. She told me that she figured that our falling apart was her fault. She had focused totally on her daughter when the daughter was in a crisis. We separated in Spring 07, divorced a couple of years ago. She complimented me and said what a good thing it would be for all for us to get back together. Also, she asked if she could come along to the beach when I pick up my son from her on Sunday. In the call, saying as little as possible, I did not agree to the getting back together part and said I'd think about the beach part. No No No. Not mentioned in the email, she is an alcoholic comfortable in the addiction and not willing to get any kind of help - even when she hits a health crisis (last spring) related to eating little and getting most calories from beer.

Tonight I wrote an email to her - below that I didn't send. Over the past years after the separation, I have avoided giving her any of my analysis of her. I stick to the plan, schedules that we agree to regarding our son. We are both flexible there and we maintain a friendly relationship. That includes friendly relations with her daughter who is now 20.
Below is the email. What do you think? Probably I should not send it _

[Duvid]

After trading texts with my ex about our 10yo son's first day at camp, the texts were overlapping. I figured I would call her. We talked about his day (exhausted) and then she turned the conversation to her thoughts about our relationship. She told me that she figured that our falling apart was her fault. She had focused totally on her daughter when the daughter was in a crisis. We separated in Spring 07, divorced a couple of years ago. She complimented me and said what a good thing it would be for all for us to get back together. Also, she asked if she could come along to the beach when I pick up my son from her on Sunday. In the call, saying as little as possible, I did not agree to the getting back together part and said I'd think about the beach part. No No No. Not mentioned in the email, she is an alcoholic comfortable in the addiction and not willing to get any kind of help - even when she hits a health crisis (last spring) related to eating little and getting most calories from beer.

Tonight I wrote an email to her - below that I didn't send. Over the past years after the separation, I have avoided giving her any of my analysis of her. I stick to the plan, schedules that we agree to regarding our son. We are both flexible there and we maintain a friendly relationship. That includes friendly relations with her daughter who is now 20.
Below is the email. What do you think? Probably I should not send it _

[Dire Wolf]

One of the most liberating things for me about my divorce from the uBPDxw is that I no longer need to try to explain why I feel a certain way or why I disagree about something with her or why I choose to do whatever it is I am doing.

She would never accept what my "reasoning" is for something because, in her mind, she was always "right". Therfore, if I didn't follow her lead or suggestion, by that very nature, I am "wrong". She would ask why but she never cared to listen.

So, clearly your ex feels that it may be a good idea for you two to get together and at the very least spend the day together. So are you going to convince her to agree with you and hear why you think it is a bad idea? Will she just say: "Oh yeah, I forgot that stuff. You are right." Or will she lay into you about harboring old issues and being selfish and mean spirited and controlling or whatever it is that she may have tossed at you in the past.

I think it is great that you wrote and didn't send the email. What a wonderful way for you to hear and see why you are making the decision to hold your boundary. But, since you asked, I don't see any value in sending it. A short and sweet text or email should suffice. Maybe just: "Thanks for the offer to join us at the beach but we are going to keep to the original plan of the day with just me and "name". See you Sunday at "12:00".

Don't get sucked back in --- remember how long and hard you worked to get out.
Good luck,
Dire Wolf

[Duvid]

Thanks.   Your response is a help and contains a good idea. You remind me of my initial approach after the separation. Keep to the plan. Say only what needs to be said (emailed). I've developed a good life with my son. I have legal custody. I got there through a legal agreement, not a fight. She was in a series of worse and worse jobs and found a cheap apartment in a town with terrible schools. With my son staying with me, he got to stay in the good school in my neighborhood. Travel to his mom for visits is an easy 25 min away.

Your support is great at a time when I felt, "Oh man, she is trying to pull me in." I would not be pulled in though I did find myself subject to the emotional shrapnel thrown off by the black hole she lives next to.

What I've got to hear and do is - Stay Strong. And more important - Be Sure to Enjoy all that's good - with my son.

Thanks Again!