question for those that stayed

[Think About It...]

To those that stayed.  Has anyone been able to make it work when their BPD spouse refused to seek counseling or work on your marital problems.  I think I already know the answer.  Just feeling a little down today, cause tomorrow is our 12th anniversary.  Just not feeling that into it.  Thanks for listening.

[csswift]

To those that stayed.  Has anyone been able to make it work when their BPD spouse refused to seek counseling or work on your marital problems.  I think I already know the answer.  Just feeling a little down today, cause tomorrow is our 12th anniversary.  Just not feeling that into it.  Thanks for listening.

[desperate dutchman]

Csswift I have been at it 20 years and only working the BPD issue the last 3 months. I learned about BPD about 5  yrs ago but did not persue it until the last 3 months... I can tell you that it was/is a good relationship when she is "normal" and with the tools I am learning to get through the periods of dysfunction...
If you are planning to stay find yourself a T because part of the problem is us... if we were healthier it will not hurt as much we can use the tools and survive the rough patches...every relationship has rough patches ours are just more abrasive

[yeeter]

Hi swift

10 years in the relationship. Deliberately working on the BPD stuff only 8 months. I think a piece of this question is around expectations, and what you can live with.

There are things in the relationship that are never going to be there.  Figuring what these items are, and how critical the specific items are to you, will help answer this

[Dynamic]

To those that stayed.  Has anyone been able to make it work when their BPD spouse refused to seek counseling or work on your marital problems.  I think I already know the answer.  Just feeling a little down today, cause tomorrow is our 12th anniversary.  Just not feeling that into it.  Thanks for listening.

csswift,
Hope you are feeling better now. I dread those special occasions especially anniversaries because I would tend to walk on eggshells even more, to prevent a fight on the days which are supposed to be enjoyed, celebrated & cherished. We have been married 25+ years, but heard about BPD about 9 months back & practicing the tools only for the past 2 months. I am still learning to provide validation & use tools like SET & it is been a rocky road in spite of that. I keep a fight log & noted that he has dysregulated 18 times in a span of 3 months.  

Today we were supposed to go for our 1st session of couple therapy. But my h was moody in the morning & later refused to come for the session & I ended up going alone since it was too late to cancel. I am also really down today from realizing the constant, frequent day-to-day struggle I have with my h & that he is somehow detecting my efforts to change & sort of sabotaging any improvement as such. With self realization & my T pointing out how my behavior/words/actions are affecting my h, I am at my wit's end as to how we are ever going to come out of this & still retain our sanity & peace of mind.

Each of our situation is different though we all have a pwBPD in our lives. yeeter has a good point about your expectations & how you can manage without things that you will not get in this r/s.

My questions for you:
-Are you taking care of yourself? Let's say a non is overweight. Then he/she can work on reducing his/her weight instead of making an issue of their SO's physical health issues. That way it is both good for the non & their SO. It is also one less thing to worry for the non, who is also setting an example for the whole family.

-Have you realized how your own behavior/words/actions are affecting your SO just as it would a non? In other words, are you taking care of the things for which your SO has a genuine reason to get angry with you? For example, my h is very particular about being punctual & hates to rush/drive fast when there is a delay. That is a reasonable expectation, which I am trying hard to meet. I can understand if he dysregulates due to frustration & anger when there is a delay because of me. So it is best that I avoid delay.

Maybe you are already in the process of doing the above mentioned. These are some things that are under our control & will have a huge effect on you, your SO & r/s. My 2 cents.

[LoveNotWar]

I know this is the staying board and I AM staying but a big part of my decision to stay hinges on the fact that he is working w/a therapist.

The other part that helps me stay is accepting that my h has BPD and knowing this will not be the fairy tale marriage because of BPD. It's like yeeter talked about. It's having a realistic picture of your spouse and asking yourself if you can live a happy life in spite of your spouse's BPD.

[woodstock79]

Csswift I have been at it 20 years and only working the BPD issue the last 3 months. I learned about BPD about 5  yrs ago but did not persue it until the last 3 months... I can tell you that it was/is a good relationship when she is "normal" and with the tools I am learning to get through the periods of dysfunction...
If you are planning to stay find yourself a T because part of the problem is us... if we were healthier it will not hurt as much we can use the tools and survive the rough patches...every relationship has rough patches ours are just more abrasive

Your last statement is of great hope to me, because when my partner is as she is now: reeling in her psychosis, it is hard to believe we will last. 

5 years, though, and I would do it all over, even if I had to face the battles all over again.

She is worth it.  All of this pain...and I can't wait to see her on the other side. 

[Lily_Stargazer]

I am going through a rough spot right now, trying to get through it and make things work.  I guess I need to learn more about dysregulation, as it seems that is what has happened to my bf.  We moved into a new house a couple months ago and we've run into a couple issues with things needing to be repaired, including moving out of our bedroom because it needed to be renovated.  I am thinking the move, changes in jobs/routine, and the issues with the house have discombobulated, or dysregulated him.

Now that I think about it...he has said many times before that he has to stick to his routine, and any slight alteration will throw off his whole day.  One time we were getting ready for work in the morning and I put my bag on the chair he usually sits in to put on his shoes.  He said I disrupted his routine and it would throw him off for the entire day.  I remember thinking "What, a bag on a chair is gonna throw off your whole day?"  He's a self-described "creature of habit" - wakes up at the same time every day, leaves for work at the same time, watches the same TV shows, etc.  And I know he is not comfortable sleeping anywhere other than his own bed (i.e. he doesn't like to travel and sleep in hotel rooms; he doesn't feel right sleeping in a strange bed).  I was wondering why he blew up at me last month over seemingly nothing and has been giving me the silent treatment ever since.  It's all starting to click now.

Anyway, I went off on a tangent there.  I mostly wanted to thank the above posters for giving me hope.  I now know that there are rough spots to go through, times of dysregulation, but it is possible to pull through it and have him back again.  We've been together for 3 years, and things have been bad before, but this current difficult period has lasted for about a month.  I am going to focus on taking care of the house and getting it fixed up, hoping this will help bring him back.  We can get through this...

[briefcase]

18 years.  W "works on it" in her own ways (mostly willpower, or, occassionally, anti-depressants).  No therapy, or counselling, but that may be changing.  I have learned to be emotionally calm and strong.  You have to be confident to do this (even if you aren't now, you can learn--I did).  It takes some work. 

[Lily_Stargazer]

18 years.  W "works on it" in her own ways (mostly willpower, or, occassionally, anti-depressants).  No therapy, or counselling, but that may be changing.  I have learned to be emotionally calm and strong.  You have to be confident to do this (even if you aren't now, you can learn--I did).  It takes some work. 

This is what I am working on right now, briefcase, learning to be emotionally calm and strong.  A challenge for me, as I have a history of anxiety myself.  But now I need to be the strong one.  I have been to a counselor individually...praying that eventually my bf will join me.

[JimNelson89]

To those that stayed.  Has anyone been able to make it work when their BPD spouse refused to seek counseling or work on your marital problems.  I think I already know the answer.  Just feeling a little down today, cause tomorrow is our 12th anniversary.  Just not feeling that into it.  Thanks for listening.

It is not that she refuses.  If I decide to go to counseling for personal development, she wants to go with me.  Her purpose is to set the counselor straight about me.  That I need to be fixed.

If we go to MC, the same thing: "he is broke, fix him".

[waverider]

I found taking the focus off her and on to me helps. For example the tools and tips that are being learned, I am developing to help me be a better person who is more able to find contentment. Not just to cope with BPD, these tools are useful improvements in your everyday dealings with everyone. I try to think of using them in my BPD relationship as a side bonus. I know that the real priority is the reverse, but it is a double edged tool and quite plausible to make yourself think along those line.

Biggest issue I am dealing with is that what I thought as "normal", with bouts of bad is now I realize just the upswing white side of splitting, so it is not really "normal", but more of a false inflation of feelings, just as much as black is a false deflation of reality. This leaves me not being so comforted by the white paint. I know thats what they feel at that moment, but I know its temporary and conditional. So now it feels like a tainted white, and the sun does not feel like its back like it used to. I am starting to get a flatline "whatever"/numbing reaction to either extreme black and white. The adrenalin has been removed from the highs just as much as the lows

I am developing my life outside the relationship, but it seems forced. I have been through separation before and know that starting to diversify your life like this can often be the start of the rot, as you start looking back more subjectively the more you are out of the "zone", and start thinking why am I doing this? The grass starts to look greener outside as the filters you have previously subconsciously applied are removed

This sort of thinking makes it hard to have long term ambitions and dreams, and without those you seem to just float along without drive.

[waverider]

It is not that she refuses.  If I decide to go to counseling for personal development, she wants to go with me.  Her purpose is to set the counselor straight about me.  That I need to be fixed.

If we go to MC, the same thing: "he is broke, fix him".

This for me too, any sort of trying to address or fix a problem, is a trigger whether it be a personal T or even caught reading anything about mental illness, online or in a book.

[woodstock79]

 This for me too, any sort of trying to address or fix a problem, is a trigger whether it be a personal T or even caught reading anything about mental illness, online or in a book. [/quote]

I find that, especially after a long, "productive" day of deconstructing where some of the characteristics and such come from in her, she is drained and will be triggered almost instantly, when we were just able to discuss it a little while ago.  I need to be more careful, since we have been figuring things out and such, it never dawned on me until last night.  

[Aida]

I'm hiding away now, hoping that she won't find me writing. She is even triggered by my seeing a T because she is paranoid I will talk about her.

[Wanda]

 REad success stories up on top mine is there i have been married 14 and a half  years now known him for three prior. he is undiagnoised, and it was real bad at first now it is alot better . but things didn't change until i changed the way i dealt with stuff i had alot to work on also.
 i had to learn acceptance and understanding also those tools and boundaries, it wasn't easy but worth it if you plan to stay...    

[woodstock79]

After 5 years together, this is the first we are really addressing the BPD.  It never seemed to be an issue, at least not that we realized.  We have a lot of work ahead of us, but she is so worth it. 

[Grey Kitty]

My wife has been working on herself, even though she became very resistant and angry about the idea that she might have BPD. (We both ran into the idea ~8 months ago)

Since then I've tried to validate her more, and stop invalidating her; set a few boundaries, sometimes take a time out early enough, and we've both done some individual work and some couples therapy (not directly focused on BPD although I did mention the possibility to the therapist).

Anyhow, things have actually improved quite a bit--She is starting to see her own self-hatred and try to stop it, instead of projecting it onto me and then attacking me for it.

We still have fights, she still seems unreasonable most of the time when we do, but I think she's getting better and I know I'm dealing with it better too.

She also still has very depressed/difficult/whatever episodes, but blames me much less for them.

Whatever it is, it is a ragged ride, but seems to be working upward.

[Arthur]

I am new to this forum but I have 29 years under my belt with BPD.  My wife is undiagnosed, resistant to therapy, subject to wide swings and does not respect any boundries along with being terrably manipulative.  She can con the best doc and do nothing but deflect and waste time.  My T and my daughter got me started looking into BPD and it fits like a glove with my wife.  My siuation is complicated as there has been a long term of my wife cheating with many men over the entire relationship.  That hurts.  I have choosen to stay and try to work things out.  The first thing I think you have to establish is are you staying because you have an adult love for your SO or is out of need.  If it is for love that's a great place to start.  Read as much and as often as you can handle about this sickness.  Understand that although your SO is sick and their actions can be so very hurtful, there has to be accountability at some point.  That takes some time to get to from what I can get out of reading.  Do not sacrifice yourself and become codependent.  Take things slow and get help here and from a therapist, you have to get support for yourself.  You are of no help to anyone if you don't take care of yourself.  It is sometimes very painful but if you are in love with your SO it can be worth the work.  That said I see no shame in choosing to disconnect if things start dragging you down.  If you make that choice then still get to a therapist, living with someone who is BPD can really tear at your soul and your need time and help to heal.  I wish you the best, you have come to the right place for advise.  This bunch is very compassionate.

Arthur

[Gaslit]

This ---

Biggest issue I am dealing with is that what I thought as "normal", with bouts of bad is now I realize just the upswing white side of splitting, so it is not really "normal", but more of a false inflation of feelings, just as much as black is a false deflation of reality. This leaves me not being so comforted by the white paint.

This is what I too struggle with. I almost ignore the "nice" knowing it is fleeding, whereas I once thought I could somehow find a way to only have the nice.

Before I knew.

[losinghope97]

This ---

Biggest issue I am dealing with is that what I thought as "normal", with bouts of bad is now I realize just the upswing white side of splitting, so it is not really "normal", but more of a false inflation of feelings, just as much as black is a false deflation of reality. This leaves me not being so comforted by the white paint.

This is what I too struggle with. I almost ignore the "nice" knowing it is fleeding, whereas I once thought I could somehow find a way to only have the nice.

Before I knew.

A huge struggle for me too.  After almost 20 years with my uBPDw (I have always suspected but didn't have a name for it until 6 months ago), was it ever real, am I not the man she made me feel like in the in the high times?  If the highs are as off base about who I am as the lows, then where does that leave me?  There are just so many angles to the damage a pwBPD can cause, especially if you unaware what it is happening.  Even now that I know, I still at times I feel like I am a maze that I will never escape from, becasue she has the exits covered, with one pain or the next. ?