Blaming Ourselves..

[Think About It...]

Hi Everyone,

  I have 30 days today at N/C.I am still shaken up and no from all the stories here that this is gonna be a long process.I have lost 15 LBS and i find myself with nightmares and dreams of us together.Then i awake in the middle of the night in terror.
  As some of you no i am a recovering alcoholic of 18 years Sober.My sponcer of 18 years stopped over my place yesterday.He no's i am isolating and in a depression.He stopped to see me and he new i was in rough shape over all of this roller coaster ride i have been on.He heard through the grapevine that i was in tough tough shape.So he was kidding with me and said i am here to check on you.Some of the guys put you on ''sucide watch''...
  The reason i write this morning is, as him and I talked,he heard alot of ''BLAMING MYSELF''.He heard it loud and clear.He let me talk and then as usual i cryed like a baby.It is Hard to believe that a 6'2'' 230lb tough guy like me from the streets,has been brought to my knees from a 130lb woman  ..
  Why i write is he noticed me ''blaming'' myself over and over.He heard me saying ''IF'' i would of not been yelling.If i would of not reacted to her in a bad way.If i would of quit my job and stayed home with her.If i would of gave more love,money,presents,time and energy.If i would of handled it different we could of been a couple.He heard this ''self-torture'' over and over.He toned in on the ''WHAT IF'S''.I was wondering if anyone else goes through this in there head over and over.The ''IF I ONLY''.

   Needless to say i broke down to my sponcer and told him some of the things i did in my reactions to all this Abandonment,Jelousy,Control she had over me,Accusations and her Rejection of me.Not to mention her push/pull behavior AND HER DISAPPEARING ACTS and possible CHEATING...I told him one time i hit her,because i lost control.I do not hit woman.But years of this abuse i lost control that day.
  I went on to tell him i HATE MYSELF for ''REACTING'' in such a manor.I told him i am so sorry for doing some of the things i did,to SURVIVE what i was living day to day.
  I read alot on here.I am not sure why i am chiming in.I just no somedays i wanna break N/C and run back to her and say I AM SORRY.I want to write a letter and say I AM SORRY.I miss her so much and this has been hell on me.I truly thought this was my soul mate forever.Thats all i ever wanted in my life,was a Soulmate to grow old with.So here i am on this Sunday Morning chiming in from NY in this empty ''dream home'' that was suppose to be ours.
  I hope i don't sound like a complete idiot.But this site saves me day to day.Thanks for listening to me.

[BPD Magnet 1]

Hi Everyone,

  I have 30 days today at N/C.I am still shaken up and no from all the stories here that this is gonna be a long process.I have lost 15 LBS and i find myself with nightmares and dreams of us together.Then i awake in the middle of the night in terror.
  As some of you no i am a recovering alcoholic of 18 years Sober.My sponcer of 18 years stopped over my place yesterday.He no's i am isolating and in a depression.He stopped to see me and he new i was in rough shape over all of this roller coaster ride i have been on.He heard through the grapevine that i was in tough tough shape.So he was kidding with me and said i am here to check on you.Some of the guys put you on ''sucide watch''...
  The reason i write this morning is, as him and I talked,he heard alot of ''BLAMING MYSELF''.He heard it loud and clear.He let me talk and then as usual i cryed like a baby.It is Hard to believe that a 6'2'' 230lb tough guy like me from the streets,has been brought to my knees from a 130lb woman  ..
  Why i write is he noticed me ''blaming'' myself over and over.He heard me saying ''IF'' i would of not been yelling.If i would of not reacted to her in a bad way.If i would of quit my job and stayed home with her.If i would of gave more love,money,presents,time and energy.If i would of handled it different we could of been a couple.He heard this ''self-torture'' over and over.He toned in on the ''WHAT IF'S''.I was wondering if anyone else goes through this in there head over and over.The ''IF I ONLY''.

   Needless to say i broke down to my sponcer and told him some of the things i did in my reactions to all this Abandonment,Jelousy,Control she had over me,Accusations and her Rejection of me.Not to mention her push/pull behavior AND HER DISAPPEARING ACTS and possible CHEATING...I told him one time i hit her,because i lost control.I do not hit woman.But years of this abuse i lost control that day.
  I went on to tell him i HATE MYSELF for ''REACTING'' in such a manor.I told him i am so sorry for doing some of the things i did,to SURVIVE what i was living day to day.
  I read alot on here.I am not sure why i am chiming in.I just no somedays i wanna break N/C and run back to her and say I AM SORRY.I want to write a letter and say I AM SORRY.I miss her so much and this has been hell on me.I truly thought this was my soul mate forever.Thats all i ever wanted in my life,was a Soulmate to grow old with.So here i am on this Sunday Morning chiming in from NY in this empty ''dream home'' that was suppose to be ours.
  I hope i don't sound like a complete idiot.But this site saves me day to day.Thanks for listening to me.

[bonnie]

i wouldnt even know you if you popped up in my soup but that post you have written tells me straight away that you are a good man.you are going to be o.k,we all are going to be o.k.there is not much more we can be doing to get through this,remember that the turtle won the race.p.s wake me when the race is finished!.dont see it as blaming yourself see it as exactly how you said it was for you "just trying to survive what you were living everyday".some days i lived scared of where my pain may take me.again,some things we must be responsible for,but im telling you now these bunch of little crabs(mine was actually a hulk of a crab) take our emotions to heights we never knew possible.my emotions and pure utter debilertating pain would send me in fits of rage.i will never ever ever let someone ever affect me in that way again.there will be good that comes from this bad im sure you cant see it cause i bloody well cant but lets just for today try and believe that.

[turtle]

Hello BPD Magnet 1 --

I would venture to say that every single person here has blamed themselves for something, somewhere along the way.  And many of us ended up reacting poorly to situations that we should never have been in in the first place!  That is not an excuse -- just a fact.

As time goes on, your self blame will shift.  Right now, you're blaming yourself because of the loss of the relationship.  Truth is, even if you had reacted differently, you STILL would have been in a sick relationship -- and your verision of your "soul mate" (who is controling, jealous, disappears and cheats) would STILL be sick.

As time goes on, your self blame will likely shift.  The longer you are away from the dysfunction, your self blame will become more about "why in he! did I stay so long?" "Why didn't I love myself enough to get away from this insanity a long time ago?"

Time is your friend right now. Use this time to work on you.  Stay here --- read, post...and stay away from the insanity!

turtle

[sirhero]

I blame myself sometimes for certain situations that I probably could have handled a bit better. But like turtle said we shouldn't have been in those situations in the first place. They aren't our soulmate and sadly never were and I am realizing this now. You can never make them happy the relationship will always be an uphill battle while constantly trying to avoid landmines.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[myself]

One of the conditions a lot of us here are dealing with is how we were the ones being blamed for what was going on. We had that negative energy pushed on us so much it damaged us, and we believed it in a lot of ways. We also took it on ourselves and now need to release it, face what was ours and what wasn't. I struggled with how someone supposedly so close with me would tell me stuff that wasn't true. How if she said I was messing up, I must be messing up. It didn't add up at the time, though, and now, looking back, it very rarely does at all. I was blamed for EVERYTHING! Looking back, I see that the times I acted badly were situational, reacting to what she was already doing, not anything I was starting up. I wasn't the one yelling, breaking stuff, breaking us up, telling her I love her one minute and hate her the next. So I've faced where the real 'blame' is, and faced forgiveness, and now get on with healing as best I can.

[Mirdin]

Stop blaming yourself, what you need to realize is that that self-blaming you are doing is part of the aftermath, including the "what if"'s. It takes 2 to make a relationship work and it takes 2 to break it apart, but instead of asking yourself "where did I go wrong? Did I not give enough?", answer this question: What did she give you? You gave her many things, she gave you in return what exactly? Patience? Understanding? Honesty? Sincerity? Trust? These are the things that form a solid base of any relationship, friendly or romantic, now I am curious if she gave you any of those things, except in the early stages while you were in the honeymoon phase.
You hit her? Well, you lost it, and I can understand why, but you did not bet her up. While I do not agree with any form of violence (physical or emotional) it is a good thing (and a rare thing) it happened only once. But remember, you were emotionally abused your entire relationship, and that's worse. So stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop blaming yourself and whatever you do, do not contact her, she will take you back when she wants, then she will step all over you in a worse way she did before. And why would you go back to an abusive relationship? Think about that. Would you self-torture yourself physically? I don't think so, so why would you self-torture yourself emotionally? Because if you go back, that is what you will do. Self-torture. Do not get me wrong, I have nothing personal against women or women suffering from BPD, but you really do need to think about what is good for you as well. And no, it's not your ex, even if you think you will escape the pain of the breakup. Been there, done that, and it works, for 2 weeks, 1 month tops. Then it will happen all over again. They are unable to maintain a healthy and solid relationship, no matter what you do and it's because of their changing and shifting moods, thoughts and feelings, not because of you. All you did was trying to adapt, but you can't. Nobody can...
You must understand it's cycle, everyone can change for a few days, but the problems come from the core, they are called "core damage" and that means reeducating and fixing problems that were created in childhood. She must want to help herself before you can help her. And whatever you do, do not ever tell a BPD sufferer they have BPD, they will get really angry and they will project it on you and don't be surprised if you will think after a while that you have BPD. Been there as well, however, if you think you have BPD, be sure you don't. BPD's can NEVER self-diagnose themselves. I thought I had BPD, went to a psychologist, I have been told the only thing that's wrong with me is a broken heart, a mild depression and a lot of confusion and that I have nothing to worry about. As days passed and I held to strict NC, things became more clear, I started to heal and I got myself back, I could be happy again, I smiled, I talked to people I haven;t met in a while instead of not caring about them, I started socializing and I liked it.
So you see, everything that you are feeling is because you are a shadow of your former self. You were good before you met her and you will be just fine after you get over her. But for your sake, stay with NC. And be careful, mind games from her part might be around the corner. Don't fall for them. Stand your ground and you will be just fine. Trust me on this one

[Dera]

It takes 2 to make a relationship work and it takes 2 to break it apart

I said this to a counsellor, and he said it's not true. It can be one person's fault a relationship ends. I'm not saying don't take ownership of the mistakes you made, but no matter what you did, her behavior and her destroying and abandoning the relationship are not your fault. I made mistakes, lots of them, but I did not destroy my relationship, my ex did that. Mirdin, please don't be mad for me contradicting you, I said the same thing and when the counsellor contradicted me it felt like I was set free.

BPD Magnet 1, crazy people make us crazy. I did things I am very ashamed of in my relationship. My kids saw me acting very psycho over my ex, and I'm afraid those memories of their mother like that will never go away. I can't be with him partly because of who I become when I'm around him. That's not the person I want to be. ((hugs))

[Mirdin]

It takes 2 to make a relationship work and it takes 2 to break it apart

I said this to a counsellor, and he said it's not true. It can be one person's fault a relationship ends. I'm not saying don't take ownership of the mistakes you made, but no matter what you did, her behavior and her destroying and abandoning the relationship are not your fault. I made mistakes, lots of them, but I did not destroy my relationship, my ex did that. Mirdin, please don't be mad for me contradicting you, I said the same thing and when the counsellor contradicted me it felt like I was set free.

I just saw in the quote what I wrote and how it is interpreted, I meant that about normal relationships, not with BPD's, it was my mistake leaving the normal part out. I agree with the counselor if she was talking about relationships with a BPD sufferer.
They do change you, a lot, they draw out your darkest sides which you did not even think you had. After all the good you gave and has been sucked away and not really returned in any good way, all you have to give is the bad side (which usually is dormant and surfaces in extreme situations and fades quickly) and sadly they project their bad side onto you as well. So you become a person you never thought you could be.
So you see Dera, in a way, both destroy the relationship, but the BPD partner starts everything that leads to it. So yes, not your fault, but at the same time every action has a reaction, if you would be the perfect puppet and do everything your BPD partner wants you to do, the relationship would survive, but you wouldn't, not as a sane person anyway. And don't forget that no matter what you do, nothing will be enough or good enough, except for some occasions, therefore you cannot make them happy. My relationship survived for 6 years, and it would or survived more if I wanted to, but I did things a little differently. I did not yield, which made things interesting for my ex, I was the first guy that did not allow himself to be manipulated so much, especially after a while. That made her curious I guess, I was "not that of an easy pray" and like any hunter, she probably wanted her prize. She asked me to marry her, 4 times and asked me to get engaged to her 5 times (I never did, always wanted to make it work first, I was cautious). So you see, in a way, me not yielding must have kept her around. I did not realize that until I learned about BPD.
Before me, she left every single boyfriend she ever had, she was never the dumpee, she was always the dumper. And when I stopped fighting for the relationship, that's when it all fell apart, but it was because of her actions (She never fought for the relationship, only demanded and manipulated, that's what they do). But I do not blame myself or her. I acted by her actions, and she acted by her own illness. No reason to blame, only accept, understand and move on.
Even if your partner is destructive, and you do all you can, it will not survive, because eventually one of 3 things will happen, you get fed up and leave, they leave suddenly due to their fear of abandonment (which makes them leave you first so you will not hurt them) or you go nuts. Either way, there is no way it will survive unless extreme measures and precautions are taken, these include years of therapy and medication for them and endless patience and nerves of steel for you.
PS: In normal relationships if things are talked through, it will work, even if mistakes are made, in a BPD relationship you cannot talk things through... So, if you are in a normal relationship and one does and one doesn't it will fall apart much much faster (takes 2 to make it work) and it will end much faster if both of you accept that it will not work for whatever the reason. But if compromises are made and talks are carried out (2 try to make it work) it will. With BPD partners, you cannot talk and you cannot compromise so 1 is out of the equation already. But don't forget they are clingy and possessive usually. So they do set in motion the actions that will destroy the relationship. And since they cannot be dealt with, it will fall apart by their doing (in this case 1 person is enough to make it work, as in you because they will stick around if you give and it takes 1 to break it apart, them as it is part of their destructive nature)

[sirhero]

Stop blaming yourself, what you need to realize is that that self-blaming you are doing is part of the aftermath, including the "what if"'s. It takes 2 to make a relationship work and it takes 2 to break it apart, but instead of asking yourself "where did I go wrong? Did I not give enough?", answer this question: What did she give you? You gave her many things, she gave you in return what exactly? Patience? Understanding? Honesty? Sincerity? Trust? These are the things that form a solid base of any relationship, friendly or romantic, now I am curious if she gave you any of those things, except in the early stages while you were in the honeymoon phase.
You hit her? Well, you lost it, and I can understand why, but you did not bet her up. While I do not agree with any form of violence (physical or emotional) it is a good thing (and a rare thing) it happened only once. But remember, you were emotionally abused your entire relationship, and that's worse. So stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop blaming yourself and whatever you do, do not contact her, she will take you back when she wants, then she will step all over you in a worse way she did before. And why would you go back to an abusive relationship? Think about that. Would you self-torture yourself physically? I don't think so, so why would you self-torture yourself emotionally? Because if you go back, that is what you will do. Self-torture. Do not get me wrong, I have nothing personal against women or women suffering from BPD, but you really do need to think about what is good for you as well. And no, it's not your ex, even if you think you will escape the pain of the breakup. Been there, done that, and it works, for 2 weeks, 1 month tops. Then it will happen all over again. They are unable to maintain a healthy and solid relationship, no matter what you do and it's because of their changing and shifting moods, thoughts and feelings, not because of you. All you did was trying to adapt, but you can't. Nobody can...
You must understand it's cycle, everyone can change for a few days, but the problems come from the core, they are called "core damage" and that means reeducating and fixing problems that were created in childhood. She must want to help herself before you can help her. And whatever you do, do not ever tell a BPD sufferer they have BPD, they will get really angry and they will project it on you and don't be surprised if you will think after a while that you have BPD. Been there as well, however, if you think you have BPD, be sure you don't. BPD's can NEVER self-diagnose themselves. I thought I had BPD, went to a psychologist, I have been told the only thing that's wrong with me is a broken heart, a mild depression and a lot of confusion and that I have nothing to worry about. As days passed and I held to strict NC, things became more clear, I started to heal and I got myself back, I could be happy again, I smiled, I talked to people I haven;t met in a while instead of not caring about them, I started socializing and I liked it.
So you see, everything that you are feeling is because you are a shadow of your former self. You were good before you met her and you will be just fine after you get over her. But for your sake, stay with NC. And be careful, mind games from her part might be around the corner. Don't fall for them. Stand your ground and you will be just fine. Trust me on this one

Once again Great post Mir, this helps me out a lot too.

[Kurai]

Good for you, BPD Magnet 1! I'm not quite at 30 days yet, but I'm going through many of the same things. I still have dreams, am fighting weight loss (I'm already sickly skinny from the stress of the relationship), and am nonstop struggling with the "what-if's" and "if-only's." My sister keeps calling me out on them. And then I do them some more.

I'll tell you this: I spent over 3 years trying to do exactly what was asked of me, and it only brought more abuse and a downward-spiraling relationship. I kept listening to his "if you only supported me better" suggestions and convinced myself that I wasn't doing enough. Well, I literally did everything he asked toward the end, and it still wasn't enough. It will never be enough. If you went back, it would only be more trying and more frustration. I know this, yet I keep thinking "if only I tried harder." These thoughts are traps!

We have all done some terrible things to survive day to day life. I stooped to lows I vowed never to visit. I surprised myself with where I ended up. My anger started to mimic his. Don't blame yourself for anything other than allowing yourself to stay so long and allow the behaviors.

I totally understand the wanting to break NC. I feel the same way every day. At times, I am willing to return to the abuse just to be in the same room as him. I would apologize for every single thing and the world would be ok...but it would only last a few hours at most until the next bomb dropped. I know this, and I think you do, too. I just bought a house 2 months ago for both of us, and now our dream home will be my empty house that I no longer want. I am losing what I mistook for my soul mate as well.

[Dera]

I just saw in the quote what I wrote and how it is interpreted, I meant that about normal relationships, not with BPD's, it was my mistake leaving the normal part out. I agree with the counselor if she was talking about relationships with a BPD sufferer.

I'm sorry that I misinterpreted your words, and feel bad to say anything at all that seems to contradict you. Your point is completely valid, we all need to examine our own role in the problems in the relationship.

He was actually talking about a "normal" relationship, no BPD involved.

My daughter and I just finished a program that was supposed to educate girls that have witnessed family violence. One thing the leader frequently emphasized is that no matter what you did, you are not responsible for the abuse. The other mother involved and I both struggled with this. Don't we need to take responsibility for our actions? For how we got ourselves into those situations? Yes, our own actions. But that in no way makes it our fault that we were abused.

This is a difficult paradox for me to grasp. I'm responsible for my actions which led to me being in a situation where I was abused. But I'm not responsible for being abused. Huh?

The main reason I wanted to respond about this, is because I have struggled so much with guilt and a lot of my therapy has been about letting go of guilt. Realizing that I am not responsible for the terrible things my exh did to me and other people. I wish I could communicate what I've learned to BPD Magnet 1 and everyone else here suffering from guilt, it's such a terrible thing to live with guilt.

[Mirdin]

Guilt, of that you get plenty of in the aftermath... And no you are NOT responsible for the abuse, abuser's actions etc. You are responsible for your own actions, words and thoughts. But blaming yourself when pushed over the edge is not something you should do. It's also instinct, to defend if attacked, you cannot blame yourself for these kind of things, wanting what's good for you. Sounds selfish? Maybe it is selfish to you wight now because you are so used to giving and giving and giving that if you allow yourself to think about yourself, you start feeling guilty.
Now guess why... You have a BPD sufferer as an ex, remember? They project feelings onto you, actions, you feel guilty if you do not provide, you feel sorry, you feel lost. They made you into this emotional feeder for them, and when you have lost the receiver, you feel worthless, empty, emotionally numb and without a purpose.
These things are felt by a BPD sufferer every day, and these feelings have been projected onto you. You are not like that, you were not like that. Feel like a shadow? That's because right now, you are, a shadow of your former self. But hang in there, right now, NC and time are 2 of your best friends, keep them close, you will be back on your feet as soon as you accept and let go completely 

[myself]

Dera, often our number one action needs to be forgiving Ourselves.

Lots of us aren't so used to sharing our own help this way, with ourselves. Myself included. It's easier said than done, for sure. It can also be easier done than we thought it would be. Each one of us goes through it differently. There are so many layers to it, and it all comes down to Now. As in: It didn't happen Now. Would it happen Now?

In some ways, guilt is a test to see if we really mean it, if we stand by who we are. Do we take responsibility? Do we have empathy? Will we change things for the better when we can? A list of good and bad feelings would include 'guilt', but which side would it be on? The one that weighs you down, keeping you stuck in sections of the Past, or the one that helps you share freedom in the future?

Just as pain comes from being damaged, it also comes from and shows growth.

I'm really sorry for what you're feeling, including the 'neither this or that but ALL of it' which makes it that much harder. There are a lot of people pulling for you, knowing that the better you are with yourself the better you will Be.

[Mirdin]

Dera, there is nothing healthier than a healthy debate, so please contradict me any time you think or feel you know something or feel something better. Neither of us is perfect and a healthy debate and/or sharing thoughts and feelings only helps us learn and grow. Points of view are always welcome to me, as I see things from different perspectives. I do not claim to know it all, I just share my own experience and what learned from others, and you should do the same
By that we only help each other, never agree to something you think is wrong. Feel free to agree to disagree and not just to me. Your point of view is as important as anyone else's. Some may not accept and some may accept it and embrace it, but that is what this is all about. In either way, accepting it or not, we all learn from it

About the relationships, I guess it all depends on the situation, no relationship is the same and no 2 people are the same, so many dynamics and possibilities, I find it hard to pin point if it takes 2 to make it work and 2 to destroy or 1 to make it work and 1 to destroy.
I have been through both. Healthy ones and with a BPD sufferer. So I'm speaking from experience. But experiences are different for everyone
I am guessing it can always go both ways (2 poeple or 1 people fight or destroy), healthy or not. Like I said, it happened to me, both in healthy and with a BPD sufferer.
What I learned, action = reaction, good or bad, it will happen, sooner or later, not like in physics, "every action has an equal and opposite reaction" but random, in relationship dynamics anything can happen, but actions will spawn reactions, always

[sirhero]

Mirdin,

I want to thank you again for your post. They have really opened my eyes to things. Specially in your other post where you mentioned the BPD types. I believe mine was a waif with a hint of queen (she always stated she deserved to be treated like a queen). We broke up again about a week ago. This time for good I hope. She's sent me some nasty text messages this weekend with the last one telling me to just leave her alone (I wasn't responding to her text).

Like Dera and many others I still have this feeling of guilt for some reason. Maybe it's because of all the blame she put on me..I dunno.

[ellil]

Hi BPD Magnet 1, your typing of the "what if I'd" reminded me of something I'd read in the workshop Workshop - US: What it means to be in the _

[BPD Magnet 1]

Hi BPD Magnet 1, your typing of the "what if I'd" reminded me of something I'd read in the workshop Workshop - US: What it means to be in the _

[bb12]

Hey BPDMagnet,
Thank you for such a raw and honest post
Please believe me when I tell you everything is going to be ok
The first few months are the worst and full of crazy dreams and weight loss and a very physical and heated sense of loss. It will pass.
I am a year down the road and 7 months NC and have come a long way. You will too.
At my worst, I sought professional hel
 And even went onto anti depressants. I would be lying if I said these did not help. In fact thy helped enormously to stop the negative spiral and to get past the worst. When addicted to something our dopamine levels deplete, so you mint find that the right meds balance you a bit and stop you doing anything too extreme.
Keep posting on here and don't fight your feelings. Go with them. Don't struggle against the rip!
You will know when it is safe to swim into shore.
Good luck
Bb12

[sirhero]

Hey BPDMagnet,
Thank you for such a raw and honest post
Please believe me when I tell you everything is going to be ok
The first few months are the worst and full of crazy dreams and weight loss and a very physical and heated sense of loss. It will pass.
I am a year down the road and 7 months NC and have come a long way. You will too.
At my worst, I sought professional hel
 And even went onto anti depressants. I would be lying if I said these did not help. In fact thy helped enormously to stop the negative spiral and to get past the worst. When addicted to something our dopamine levels deplete, so you mint find that the right meds balance you a bit and stop you doing anything too extreme.
Keep posting on here and don't fight your feelings. Go with them. Don't struggle against the rip!
You will know when it is safe to swim into shore.
Good luck
Bb12

Weight loss? Aww man and here I am trying to put on weight to turn that into muscle? I do have the crazy dreams, but then again I am fresh out of the relationship..again! I wonder...I find being on these boards helpful, but I wonder if it is hindering us from moving on at the same time?

[Want2know]

I find being on these boards helpful, but I wonder if it is hindering us from moving on at the same time?

BPD Magnet 1 started off this thread saying that the boards are very helpful, as do most folks.  It's how you choose to use them.  These boards are not intended to replace the care of therapists or other support/guidance, nor should it be the sole source of guidance or information.

If you feel that these boards are hindering you from moving on, then that is something you might want to think about why, and perhaps discuss that on one of the Searching for Emotional Health boards.  Take a look at "Who Should Post" for each of those boards, and see if that might be something that would be helpful to you.

[Dera]

I wonder...I find being on these boards helpful, but I wonder if it is hindering us from moving on at the same time?

Wow, Sirhero, this is such a good point and deserves it's own thread. The boards have been so good for me, I can't even express how good. The information has changed my life dramatically, and the people here have brought me comfort when I couldn't find it anywhere else.

However, it bears looking at, is there any negative side to it? For me, I always have to be addicted to something. I've been addicted to reading these boards! I can't stop checking for replies to my posts, and just spend too much time reading and writing when my kids need me, or I need to be doing other things. It's ALWAYS something with me, always some obsession that blots out everything else. I really have to work for balance.

Another way it occurs to me that the boards might hinder me is sometimes spending time here supports my obsessing about my ex and what's wrong with him and can't I help him, rather than starting to move on and focus on other things.

Don't take this the wrong way, please. I love this place and I am getting so much help here... I have more hope for the future now than in years.

I'm just saying it doesn't hurt to look critically at the time I spend here and see if there is anything unhelpful or even negative about the way I use the boards.

[the_way_back]

Hey BPD magnet.

I thought I'd chime in to share a similar story of mine. In a 6 year, highly emotionally abusive relationship, I made the same mistake as you. I hit my ex. I lashed out after she had hit me. She used to hit me a lot - especially early on. I've felt guilty about it ever since but then, inexcusable as it was, everyone has their breaking point. You're only human. The fact that you are sorry is enough to know that you don't need to feel guilty forever. Was it a one off or a pattern of behaviour? There is a huge difference and you know the answer and what that answer means.

I went through the blaming myself stage. But I learned, because of my exs condition, that there was nothing I could or couldn't say, did or didn't d o that would have changed a damn thing. She is always right where she is and cannot outrun herself. I'm out, well out and yet she is still acting up. I'm at 6 weeks N/C and the peace is wonderful. I never ever miss her but I do still feel sad about how it all went down. I still feel bad about the mistakes I made, but even if I hadn't made them it wouldn't have changed anything. You need to start accepting that. You can't fix her.

Stay strong. You're doing wonderfully well. It doesn't feel good right? But you will recover and you'll be out of the crazy and in time, ready for a brand new, healthy, mutually respectful, loving, fulfilling adult relationship. The only thing you'll kick yourself for is even considering wanting her back.

You're already closer than you think  

[BPD Magnet 1]

Good for you, BPD Magnet 1! I'm not quite at 30 days yet, but I'm going through many of the same things. I still have dreams, am fighting weight loss (I'm already sickly skinny from the stress of the relationship), and am nonstop struggling with the "what-if's" and "if-only's." My sister keeps calling me out on them. And then I do them some more.

I'll tell you this: I spent over 3 years trying to do exactly what was asked of me, and it only brought more abuse and a downward-spiraling relationship. I kept listening to his "if you only supported me better" suggestions and convinced myself that I wasn't doing enough. Well, I literally did everything he asked toward the end, and it still wasn't enough. It will never be enough. If you went back, it would only be more trying and more frustration. I know this, yet I keep thinking "if only I tried harder." These thoughts are traps!

We have all done some terrible things to survive day to day life. I stooped to lows I vowed never to visit. I surprised myself with where I ended up. My anger started to mimic his. Don't blame yourself for anything other than allowing yourself to stay so long and allow the behaviors.

I totally understand the wanting to break NC. I feel the same way every day. At times, I am willing to return to the abuse just to be in the same room as him. I would apologize for every single thing and the world would be ok...but it would only last a few hours at most until the next bomb dropped. I know this, and I think you do, too. I just bought a house 2 months ago for both of us, and now our dream home will be my empty house that I no longer want. I am losing what I mistook for my soul mate as well.

Thank You for your Honesty..You lived my life as well.You have helped me to not feel so ALONE with all of this.And i too may just sell this home and be done with it.I feel like i do not want it anymore.I was ''SOLD'' an illusion.

[Forestaken]

Hi Everyone,

  I have 30 days today at N/C.I am still shaken up and no from all the stories here that this is gonna be a long process.I have lost 15 LBS and i find myself with nightmares and dreams of us together.Then i awake in the middle of the night in terror.
 

Today is 32 days of NC for me and I am loving it!
When her emotional abuse intensified to physical abuse, I started to keep a journal.  When I had to condense it for my atty to read (8 pages for an atty to read is cheaper than 23 pages of physical abuse + emotional rants), I was sick to my stomach.

From when I decided (5/2/2012), I went from 213 to 191 lbs! (5'10") and damn do I look good!
Granted I'm 49
I've replaced emotional eating with emotional exercise.

When I think about her and have to think about all the crap I dealt with and I prefer to live and died alone than to suffer and be enslaved.

My T told me that I deserve better, my kids tell me I deserve better and most importantly I tell myself I deserve better.

You deserve better!
Peace