The pain is sorta gone, now guilt and emptiness

[Think About It...]

I feel so much better. I'm still raw but that feeling like I was swimming in acid emotionally is gone. I feel guilty about feeling better! Why would I feel better after less than 3 months? Did I not love him enough? Am I hard-hearted? And if I don't have the pain, what do I have left of him?

I hope you don't think these are silly questions. I feel kind of like my road has disappeared into the fog. I'm not surprised that people that seem totally better then start a new round of drama, because they are not sure what else to do.

[Dera]

I feel so much better. I'm still raw but that feeling like I was swimming in acid emotionally is gone. I feel guilty about feeling better! Why would I feel better after less than 3 months? Did I not love him enough? Am I hard-hearted? And if I don't have the pain, what do I have left of him?

I hope you don't think these are silly questions. I feel kind of like my road has disappeared into the fog. I'm not surprised that people that seem totally better then start a new round of drama, because they are not sure what else to do.

[upsidedown]

I feel better too Dera, four months after I left him for the final time.  In fact, I can see him and hear his voice at work without feeling nauseated or feeling impotent anger at the way he paints me black.  I don't feel guilty for it though, only a little bewildered at how it happened without me really being cognizant of the change.  What do you mean by "my road has disappeared into the fog"?  Do you mean you're not sure where to go from here?

[Slowlybutsurely]

Oh, this is it so perfectly. The swimming in acid emotionally is so bad, bad, bad. And those feelings still come sometimes, but there were months and months where I felt it continually, and without relief. I never want to go back to that, ever. But like you said, without those feelings, sometimes it just feels empty. Like, what am I supposed to think about, feel, obsess about, do with myself/time, now that I am out of THAT? It takes over our lives and emotions so much, that without it, it's hard to get back to easy going normal Life, at least it is for me, sometimes. It stinks!

I feel that slowly but surely, I will create new things in my life to get me out of bed in the morning, and make me feel enthusiastic and 'filled' with life. And as for Her, well, it is a yucky feeling when I don't feel much, strangely. Just like you. When I'm not racked with pain or obsessive ruminating, then her memory fades, and that is sad, given how much I loved her. I guess this is just part of the process...

   

[Dera]

I feel better too Dera, four months after I left him for the final time.  In fact, I can see him and hear his voice at work without feeling nauseated or feeling impotent anger at the way he paints me black.  I don't feel guilty for it though, only a little bewildered at how it happened without me really being cognizant of the change.  What do you mean by "my road has disappeared into the fog"?  Do you mean you're not sure where to go from here?

I'm so glad you are feeling better too. Were you actually physically nauseated at first? I was.

I guess like Slowlybutsurely, he gave me a purpose in life. It was all about how I was going to make him  feel better.  I had a routine around him. Then I had a routine around my pain. I had a list of things to do. Put away the mementos. Defriend him everywhere. Stop bringing the phone into the bedroom at nite to be ready for his call. I had an actual list that I made before the breakup... a letting go list, and I've done everything on it except watch our favorite tv show, alone, which I'm going to do soon.

what am I supposed to think about, feel, obsess about, do with myself/time, now that I am out of THAT? It takes over our lives and emotions so much, that without it, it's hard to get back to easy going normal Life, at least it is for me, sometimes. It stinks!...  ...When I'm not racked with pain or obsessive ruminating, then her memory fades, and that is sad, given how much I loved her.

Yes, you've put it just right. What is supposed to fill that empty space between my ears now?

And too, letting go of the pain is letting the last piece of him go.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[myself]

What is supposed to fill that empty space between my ears now? 

Your Real Honest Loving Self.

[upsidedown]

Yep, physical reaction to hearing or seeing him. This person took on an almost monster like persona in my head. At the end during the worst of the Gaslighting I felt as if he could easily have tortured animals or even people. Judging from his obvious glee while he watched me squirm. So chilling. I think it was that that triggered the nausea in the beginning. Later it was the thought that I'd let this man into my life and my head.

After I stopped spending so much time ruminating about it all I focused my energy and time on learning and growing and spending time with friends and family. When I'm alone and my mind starts reliving the trauma I force myself to think of something else. It doesn't always work on the first try but I'm pretty stubborn.  Can you take up a hobby, sign up for a class or join a club? 

[Dera]

I was nauseated all the time when we first split, which was a good thing because it kept me from drinking. I now attribute it to the withdrawal, after reading about dopamine and addiction. I had a lot of  physical symptoms, joint pain, severe exhaustion. I could barely stand up for five minutes at a time. You are an understanding bunch of people, so I hope you won't think I'm very self-indulgent the way most people would if I told them that. That went on months before the actual split, during the period when I could see that the split was coming.

Forcing myself to think about something else helped me get past this too, not all the time, but just to get a break from the constant ruminating, I deliberately replaced every thought of him with a pleasant thought of something different. Although the ruminations aren't as painful now, I think I should try to use this method to get my mind on other things.

You may have read that I'm trying to go to a camp as a volunteer for the summer, so that's taking up a hobby I guess. Even just before we broke up, I started adding friends back into my life and doing some activities. Those things were even on the Letting Go List! I think I need a new list, though.  Maybe a Starting Over list?

Myself, I'm trying to figure out who that is. I'm trying to define my values. Has anyone here been through that process?

Thank you for your replies. I am moving forward, but have to deal with these feelings. This board has been a great place to work the feelings out.

[bb12]

isn't life amazing for the things we notice just at the right moment?
For example, I can't recall seeing a thread like this before: about being happier...and at a bit of a loose end because the obsession has stopped. Yet, I am in that exact headspace and I see this series of posts tonight. What are the chances?
I am reading a book called The Vortex about this exact scenario. About how we attract the things that are on the same vibration as ourselves. And I feel exactly as you guys all do...strangely nervous about the peace I am feeling. It's like my mind is trying to go back and find that sad place again, but can't. For some reason, I am happy. I have felt the obsession and ruminations dwindle to almost nothing in the past few days. I have crossed a bridge in my recovery and feel so happy to be out of the FOG and fairly certain I can't go back.
But yeah, guilty, happy, fidgety, proud, bored, happy. Done!
I really feel that I have come to the end of an appalling 12 months. And despite being home alone tonight...just doing the laundry and throwing socks up the hallway for my dog...I am not lonely. How nice is this feeling?
; )
BB12

[sirhero]

Since I've done the dance with my ex so many times now I am starting to feel a bit better already again. Though I am kind of mad at myself for trying yet again with her knowing how long it would most likely last and I was right. I find mornings to be the toughest for me for some reason. Seems I think about her the most then. During the day at work I will too here and there though I try to keep myself busy so that I don't. I'm getting there though.

[myself]

I woke up this morning with this phrase in mind: 'The worse thing is, it's better now'. Never heard it before, but makes sense with what's being talked of here. I used to worry and feel horrible about not being with her. What would I do if that happened, how go on? It seemed the worst-case scenario. Now that the FOG is leaving, my detox is becoming less harsh, and I see so many other positive possibilities, it WILL be better now.

[Dera]

And I feel exactly as you guys all do...strangely nervous about the peace I am feeling. It's like my mind is trying to go back and find that sad place again, but can't.

You did a good job of putting my feelings into words. I liked what you said about throwing the socks to your dog and feeling ok alone, it made a nice comforting picture in my head.

Sirhero, I think I saw you mention before that you feel worse in the morning. I feel way worse at nite, which is kinda good because when I'm having anxiety I can just go to bed and escape. I always feel stronger in the morning.

When we first broke up I would always wake up at 3 am because he used to call me at that time after getting off work. It was awful to be alone with my pain at 3 am. Those times are long gone now, when I go to bed I sleep all nite. Amazing! I never had a good nite's sleep in the 3 years we were together. Sleep would be number one on my list of perks to being alone.

Another perk, the other day I was late for something, and I thought, how great to only have to answer to myself about this and not be raged at. I'm so glad to finally feel like an adult and not always have the feeling that someone is going to be angry when I mess up. Really, I feel a bit like a kid getting their first apartment, since I've never been alone.

[sirhero]

And I feel exactly as you guys all do...strangely nervous about the peace I am feeling. It's like my mind is trying to go back and find that sad place again, but can't.

You did a good job of putting my feelings into words. I liked what you said about throwing the socks to your dog and feeling ok alone, it made a nice comforting picture in my head.

Sirhero, I think I saw you mention before that you feel worse in the morning. I feel way worse at nite, which is kinda good because when I'm having anxiety I can just go to bed and escape. I always feel stronger in the morning.

When we first broke up I would always wake up at 3 am because he used to call me at that time after getting off work. It was awful to be alone with my pain at 3 am. Those times are long gone now, when I go to bed I sleep all nite. Amazing! I never had a good nite's sleep in the 3 years we were together. Sleep would be number one on my list of perks to being alone.

Another perk, the other day I was late for something, and I thought, how great to only have to answer to myself about this and not be raged at. I'm so glad to finally feel like an adult and not always have the feeling that someone is going to be angry when I mess up. Really, I feel a bit like a kid getting their first apartment, since I've never been alone.

I wish I knew why mornings were so tough for me. I'm glad to see you're able to sleep through the night though, that's always a good thing . I normally start to feel better around 3pm then on after I am normally fine. You know what though, it does feel good to not worry about being raged at over something so small. It also feels good knowing I can make plans with my friends now without getting the guilt trip or attitude I normally got if I did something without her.

[Dera]

Sirhero, are you generally a night owl? I'm generally a morning person so I assumed it was just an extension of my natural pattern.

[sirhero]

Sirhero, are you generally a night owl? I'm generally a morning person so I assumed it was just an extension of my natural pattern.

Haha yeah I am. I normally stay up till about 12 or 1 during the week (since I work the next day and) and on the weekend I'm up till about 3 or 4 AM. You think that may be it?

[Dera]

Well, not so much your sleep habits as what time of day did you feel best before your relationship? I always say if I don't get something done in the morning it's never getting done, because I have a lot of energy and feel good in the morning. I tend to feel more depressed in the evening, or at least more subdued

As far as habits go, sometimes I go to bed with my kids at 8:30, but more often I'm up on the computer till 3 am. I tend to wake very early, like 5 am if I went to bed early. Of course, since I'm productive in the morning, early to bed and early to rise is better for me.

My partners have all been night owls. I have learned to be happy with that, I enjoy my peace in the morning. They probably don't like it so much when I decide there is some issue I need to resolved RIGHT NOW, and insist they get up and talk to me at 5:30 am ;p   However, my inability to let things go probably should be the topic for another thread, .

[sirhero]

Well, not so much your sleep habits as what time of day did you feel best before your relationship? I always say if I don't get something done in the morning it's never getting done, because I have a lot of energy and feel good in the morning. I tend to feel more depressed in the evening, or at least more subdued

As far as habits go, sometimes I go to bed with my kids at 8:30, but more often I'm up on the computer till 3 am. I tend to wake very early, like 5 am if I went to bed early. Of course, since I'm productive in the morning, early to bed and early to rise is better for me.

My partners have all been night owls. I have learned to be happy with that, I enjoy my peace in the morning. They probably don't like it so much when I decide there is some issue I need to resolved RIGHT NOW, and insist they get up and talk to me at 5:30 am ;p   However, my inability to let things go probably should be the topic for another thread, .

Ah okay yeah, before my relationship I always did feel best during the evening/night time. Now that I recall, before I met the ex that is usually when I was out with friends enjoiyng the night whether it just be outside talking, going to the bar, or just playing video games. Now that I think about it..I never really did like mornings much especially if I didn't have anything productive to do. I always felt like I was wasting the day away. Maybe I am somehow associating my mornings with her now as strange as that is. I met her during a time when I had just gotten laid off too, so most of my mornings were.. spent with her. That could also be it who knows.

5:30 am talks? Psh I'd fall right back asleep

[Dera]

Maybe you've associated a certain time of day with her, like I did with 3 am and my ex, but I think its probably just your natural brain cycle. Good feelings get emphasized for you in the evening, and bad in the morning. You'll probably find that with everything you go through for the rest of your life. It's great to be aware of it. Being able to think to myself "I feel bad because I often feel bad at midnight" helps me to manage myself.

5:30 am talks? Psh I'd fall right back asleep

No, you wouldn't, not if you had a crazy woman sitting on you telling you to get up and talk about the 24 things I'm already upset about today.

You know, once I started talking about that it made me wonder. Is that the real me? I used to wake up and go outside and enjoy how peaceful everything is in the morning. How did I get to the point that I was already stressed out at 5:30 am?

[sirhero]

Maybe you've associated a certain time of day with her, like I did with 3 am and my ex, but I think its probably just your natural brain cycle. Good feelings get emphasized for you in the evening, and bad in the morning. You'll probably find that with everything you go through for the rest of your life. It's great to be aware of it. Being able to think to myself "I feel bad because I often feel bad at midnight" helps me to manage myself.

5:30 am talks? Psh I'd fall right back asleep

No, you wouldn't, not if you had a crazy woman sitting on you telling you to get up and talk about the 24 things I'm already upset about today.

You know, once I started talking about that it made me wonder. Is that the real me? I used to wake up and go outside and enjoy how peaceful everything is in the morning. How did I get to the point that I was already stressed out at 5:30 am?

I'll start telling myself that hopefully it helps. And you're I'd get up and listen and THEN go back to sleep. Maybe you'll get back to that point of enjoying the 5:30am wake ups. No one should be stressed out that early though