Update on 1st T visit

[Think About It....]

It's been a crazy few weeks for me, but thought I'd update on what's going on with d9 and her first T visit. 

She was very nervous, but willingly talked with the T and answered questions.  Later, she said that she was glad to talk to the T and thinks it might help so she doesn't try to fix everything for everyone.  While shopping that same day, my uBPD ex calls and I hand the phone over to her.  She immediately tells him that she went to see mommy's friend, T (can't remember the T's name and calls him by another name), and they had a nice talk about why she worries so much.  He didn't question her too much at the time, although since then it's been non stop when she's with him.

Last week, d9 threw a fit about taking her Claritin.  She's a smart kid, but the stuff she says - well, I know it's not really her talking.  She claimed she can't take the Claritin anymore because it's a drug and it's bad for her and it doesn't really help her.  She ended up crying and told me that she was scared I was giving her something that would hurt her.  I finally convinced her to take it (she's been on this OTC stuff for 9 months now) and she calmed down after I explained that I love her very much and would never hurt her. 

When it was time to drop her off to the ex, I walked up to his car and asked him to not tell d9 the allergy medicine was bad for her again.  He claimed that all medicines are "drugs", therefore, they are bad...but he would go ahead and give it to her anyway from now on because I'm the boss.  His tone was so nasty.  I let it go and kissed d9 and walked away. 

I sent him an email with a link to webmd's site where it shows there are no side effects to children's Claritin.  His response a few hours later?  "I'll have to get back to you on this."  I've heard nothing since then, but the last time he kept d9 overnight...he gave her the Claritin.  Not sure if he tried to tell her I was poisoning her again though. 

Back to the T visit - He has questioned her a lot about that.  He's told her that she's fine and she needs to tell the T she's fine and  doesn't need to see him anymore.  I'm concerned that the next time she sees the T, that she'll shut down and not say anything because he told her she was fine.  He's good at getting her to do what he wants.  He doesn't like my s17 and caused a rift between my s17 and d9 by telling d9 that s17 is mean and ugly and dumb.  Yes, he said that about my son.  I work really hard ALL the time to try and repair that damage.  It doesn't help that s17 jokes her (she takes it as her father is right, s17 hates me) and I'm constantly reminding her that it was a joke and s17 loves her.

She was due to see the T today, but he cancelled at the last minute due to a schedule conflict.  My questions for him have to wait til the next appt now.  Until then, any advice on how to deal with the crap the ex throws at d9 that he leaves me to try and fix?  I'm having to show proof (webmd site) that I'm not trying to hurt d9 to get her to believe me.  All he has to do is plant the doubt and I'm left picking up the pieces. 

[Untouched]

It's been a crazy few weeks for me, but thought I'd update on what's going on with d9 and her first T visit. 

She was very nervous, but willingly talked with the T and answered questions.  Later, she said that she was glad to talk to the T and thinks it might help so she doesn't try to fix everything for everyone.  While shopping that same day, my uBPD ex calls and I hand the phone over to her.  She immediately tells him that she went to see mommy's friend, T (can't remember the T's name and calls him by another name), and they had a nice talk about why she worries so much.  He didn't question her too much at the time, although since then it's been non stop when she's with him.

Last week, d9 threw a fit about taking her Claritin.  She's a smart kid, but the stuff she says - well, I know it's not really her talking.  She claimed she can't take the Claritin anymore because it's a drug and it's bad for her and it doesn't really help her.  She ended up crying and told me that she was scared I was giving her something that would hurt her.  I finally convinced her to take it (she's been on this OTC stuff for 9 months now) and she calmed down after I explained that I love her very much and would never hurt her. 

When it was time to drop her off to the ex, I walked up to his car and asked him to not tell d9 the allergy medicine was bad for her again.  He claimed that all medicines are "drugs", therefore, they are bad...but he would go ahead and give it to her anyway from now on because I'm the boss.  His tone was so nasty.  I let it go and kissed d9 and walked away. 

I sent him an email with a link to webmd's site where it shows there are no side effects to children's Claritin.  His response a few hours later?  "I'll have to get back to you on this."  I've heard nothing since then, but the last time he kept d9 overnight...he gave her the Claritin.  Not sure if he tried to tell her I was poisoning her again though. 

Back to the T visit - He has questioned her a lot about that.  He's told her that she's fine and she needs to tell the T she's fine and  doesn't need to see him anymore.  I'm concerned that the next time she sees the T, that she'll shut down and not say anything because he told her she was fine.  He's good at getting her to do what he wants.  He doesn't like my s17 and caused a rift between my s17 and d9 by telling d9 that s17 is mean and ugly and dumb.  Yes, he said that about my son.  I work really hard ALL the time to try and repair that damage.  It doesn't help that s17 jokes her (she takes it as her father is right, s17 hates me) and I'm constantly reminding her that it was a joke and s17 loves her.

She was due to see the T today, but he cancelled at the last minute due to a schedule conflict.  My questions for him have to wait til the next appt now.  Until then, any advice on how to deal with the crap the ex throws at d9 that he leaves me to try and fix?  I'm having to show proof (webmd site) that I'm not trying to hurt d9 to get her to believe me.  All he has to do is plant the doubt and I'm left picking up the pieces. 

[livednlearned]

Others have recommended Divorce Poison on these boards a lot, and I've found the book to be priceless. It's helped a lot. Bill Eddy's Don't Alienate the Kids: Raising Resilient Children also helped, especially because it emphasizes how you have to be the role model for flexible thinking, managed emotions, etc. since kids won't learn it from their NPD or BPD parent. It helped me get S10 to see that there are more than two ways of looking at something (black or white). Your d9 is getting to an age where you could present this as something to research together. For example, pick a drug that has saved millions of lives and read about how it has helped children around the world survive past the age of 5, or something like that.

My N/BPDx did the same thing to S10 about his T (N/BPDx just lost a lot of credibility and trust with S10, so that has changed). One thing I started to do with S10's T that has been so helpful is to sit with the two of them for about 10 minutes at the beginning of the session. I'll bring up an example of S10's positive behavior or coping skills and share that with T, and then I'll mention another time when I noticed xyz happened, and that maybe T has a strategy or skill that might help S10 in those situations. I have avoided any mention of N/BPDx during these talks so far, and a few times I have talked about times I put S10 in the middle and how I wish I had handled it. It worked -- S10 started to share times when N/BPDx put him in the middle. Which allowed me to validate S10s feelings (ie. "That must have made you feel uncomfortable") and also gave me a sense of what kinds of alienating tactics N/BPDx was using.

Divorce Poison is the best resource I've found for this. Definitely in my top 5 books for figuring out how to co-parent with N/BPDx and counteract some of his tactics.

Glad to hear that you d9 has a T to talk to. My S10 also suffers from anxiety, and it's been remarkable how therapy has helped him bring it down.