Staying with her in-laws

[Think About It...]

There are so many things about taking the trip to stay with her in-laws that can make her dysregulate.  To start, we drive for long hours and this almost always creates a conflict.  We agree ahead of time to take turns driving but she almost always get's angry about it when it is her turn.

Secondly and more importantly is my family.  She can't stand any one of my relatives except some of my siblings.  My mother almost always says something to piss her off, she pisses everyone off, and my aunts and uncles seem to be almost as bad. 

She is super insecure about her heritage.  She will deny to my family that she has ANY hispanic blood despite how obvious it is to anyone who sees her.  So when a relative compared her to a celebrity who is half black, that really ticked her off.  I even corrected my uncle saying "so and so is actually half black, I think she looks more like so and so instead."  That wasn't enough.

Any advice other than to not visit family?

[husband1111]

There are so many things about taking the trip to stay with her in-laws that can make her dysregulate.  To start, we drive for long hours and this almost always creates a conflict.  We agree ahead of time to take turns driving but she almost always get's angry about it when it is her turn.

Secondly and more importantly is my family.  She can't stand any one of my relatives except some of my siblings.  My mother almost always says something to piss her off, she pisses everyone off, and my aunts and uncles seem to be almost as bad. 

She is super insecure about her heritage.  She will deny to my family that she has ANY hispanic blood despite how obvious it is to anyone who sees her.  So when a relative compared her to a celebrity who is half black, that really ticked her off.  I even corrected my uncle saying "so and so is actually half black, I think she looks more like so and so instead."  That wasn't enough.

Any advice other than to not visit family?

[yeeter]

Hi husband, 

Is it possible to have a discussion before hand, and bring up the liklihood that something is bound to blow up, and then discuss a plan for how to handle it when it inevitably happens.

Then in the moment, you will both already have a plan figured out and you can just go into execution mode.

And maybe even a little signal between the two of you - to indicate in the moment when something is likely to escalate or blow up?

[Dynamic]

Is it possible to make her stay in a hotel instead of your parents' place? That way there is some limit to the interaction. She can join you all for lunch & dinner. If stay at parents' place is inevitable, then she can spend some time for herself during the day or evening. Will that work?

[husband1111]

If money were no issue, then that would be ideal.  I would love to stay in the hotel with her for the time, and board the animals.  Unfortunately, we have bad money problems, and the cost of driving up and back is already beyond what we can actually spare at this time. 

The drive is many times hell on earth as well.  This time it wasn't so bad, I think I was able to keep her comfortable by keeping my sleep attacks at bay. She HATES driving and only offers it because she feels I will complain about it if she doesn't.  So I literally have to limit her driving time by dragging her out of the driver's seat or the trip turns to hell.   

The problem is that she builds this resentment over the period since and then yesterday *I* was the one that got out of control.  I certainly looked like the one that had BPD.  I raged badly in front of my wife and son and at this point I am going to go to T somehow, what she does is up to her, but my own sanity is questionable at this point and I told her not to let me back into the house until I go to T.