Concerns about Therapist

[Think About It...]

yeeter,
I pay lot of attention to members' replies, since remember, I have not/cannot discuss this so deeply with anyone else except T. Moreover, I value your opinion since I know that you are far ahead of me in relations to your knowledge about BPD, handling your spouse & using the tools. So what you mentioned does not sound harsh & I am not taking it the wrong way. I appreciate your input every much.

Yes, I am dropping the joint T & want to see this new psychologist, who specializes in DBT, co-occurring disorder problems & couple therapy according to my insurance website. I am planning to ask her some specific questions about her expertise without letting her know about my doubts that h is BPD.

Regarding evaluation, I don't have anything to hide. At the same time, I may have picked some of his behavior along the way. Funny, but nowadays I am also having trouble remembering names & other things. The past 5 months have been very stressful involving clashes with my MIL & off course mostly with h. It is only 2 months since I am working on the tools, so there have been ups & downs. Some of my attempts have failed, some were successful. It is sort of trial & go. But in spite of that, there is some progress. I do feel calm & confident since I did not get into shouting matches as before. My journey into self-discovery has made me realize a lot about myself & h. But I suppose there is nothing wrong in getting evaluated. If it turns about to be nothing, at least h will feel conforted that both are evaluated. If he does not accept that I am ok, that's another story.

The reason to get an evaluation is to confirm whether my doubts about him being BPD is right. My T (or shall I say ex T) did not agree with me. So I want to know whether I am on the right track.

Scenario 1: He does not have BPD - Well & good. I would jump with joy, but still want him to change & want us to have a peaceful r/s. So will ask P (who hopefully narrows down the diagnosis) for suggestions to whether she can help us or direct us to someone who would be right for the job. If h does not co-operate, I will insist that I will go back to our country. (Like I did today, adding that it is not a mere threat.) He knows very well that he cannot be without my support & does not want the family to break up. With that in mind, I hope he will continue T. If my ruse does not work, I will continue as I have for the past 2 months.

Scenario 2: He does have BPD, but does not change - If he does not agree to T or change himself with just my support (& no T), then I will use the above mentioned ruse. If it does not work, I will continue as I have the past 2 months.

Scenario 3: He does not get diagnosis, but works on change - Right now that is the case but as with pwBPD, as you know it might change any instant. He has noone to be accountable for. Further, he is still convinced that I am the problem. Basically he cannot stick to a commitment. Let's say he does, then I will continue with what I am doing right now, suggest Kindle versions of selective books suitable for him & help him if he is stuck. Working hand in hand, hopefully we would make more progress in a shorter time.

Concurrently, I am working on my issues. Please enlighten me in pointing out my issues as you see from my posts. I would love to hear them so that I can see what I cannot find about myself as you mentioned.

Thank you for giving an opportunity to clear my head & think about various options. Please provide your suggestions if you find that there is a better way or if I have missed something.


 

[Dynamic]

yeeter,
I pay lot of attention to members' replies, since remember, I have not/cannot discuss this so deeply with anyone else except T. Moreover, I value your opinion since I know that you are far ahead of me in relations to your knowledge about BPD, handling your spouse & using the tools. So what you mentioned does not sound harsh & I am not taking it the wrong way. I appreciate your input every much.

Yes, I am dropping the joint T & want to see this new psychologist, who specializes in DBT, co-occurring disorder problems & couple therapy according to my insurance website. I am planning to ask her some specific questions about her expertise without letting her know about my doubts that h is BPD.

Regarding evaluation, I don't have anything to hide. At the same time, I may have picked some of his behavior along the way. Funny, but nowadays I am also having trouble remembering names & other things. The past 5 months have been very stressful involving clashes with my MIL & off course mostly with h. It is only 2 months since I am working on the tools, so there have been ups & downs. Some of my attempts have failed, some were successful. It is sort of trial & go. But in spite of that, there is some progress. I do feel calm & confident since I did not get into shouting matches as before. My journey into self-discovery has made me realize a lot about myself & h. But I suppose there is nothing wrong in getting evaluated. If it turns about to be nothing, at least h will feel conforted that both are evaluated. If he does not accept that I am ok, that's another story.

The reason to get an evaluation is to confirm whether my doubts about him being BPD is right. My T (or shall I say ex T) did not agree with me. So I want to know whether I am on the right track.

Scenario 1: He does not have BPD - Well & good. I would jump with joy, but still want him to change & want us to have a peaceful r/s. So will ask P (who hopefully narrows down the diagnosis) for suggestions to whether she can help us or direct us to someone who would be right for the job. If h does not co-operate, I will insist that I will go back to our country. (Like I did today, adding that it is not a mere threat.) He knows very well that he cannot be without my support & does not want the family to break up. With that in mind, I hope he will continue T. If my ruse does not work, I will continue as I have for the past 2 months.

Scenario 2: He does have BPD, but does not change - If he does not agree to T or change himself with just my support (& no T), then I will use the above mentioned ruse. If it does not work, I will continue as I have the past 2 months.

Scenario 3: He does not get diagnosis, but works on change - Right now that is the case but as with pwBPD, as you know it might change any instant. He has noone to be accountable for. Further, he is still convinced that I am the problem. Basically he cannot stick to a commitment. Let's say he does, then I will continue with what I am doing right now, suggest Kindle versions of selective books suitable for him & help him if he is stuck. Working hand in hand, hopefully we would make more progress in a shorter time.

Concurrently, I am working on my issues. Please enlighten me in pointing out my issues as you see from my posts. I would love to hear them so that I can see what I cannot find about myself as you mentioned.

Thank you for giving an opportunity to clear my head & think about various options. Please provide your suggestions if you find that there is a better way or if I have missed something.


 

[yeeter]

Your doing great dynamic, and have a very thoughtful plan going forward.   

Do try to spend at least as much, or more time thinking about taking care of yourself.

Maybe one minor point.  I haven't had much luck making my wife accountable to anyone.  Ultimately, she is accountable only to herself so if she wants to work on things she can ( with or without T), and if she doesn't she just isn't going to ( with or without T )

Take whatever inputs I have with a grain of salt, it's not like I have any answers.  Each situation really is different, even when there are some common themes.

You did your homework on the new T selection and have the right approach.  Nice work!  Although there are no guarantees, With luck the person will pick up on all the dynamics quickly ( I changed T recently and the new one was up to full speed in only one session!  Experience matters ). So looking forward to hearing how it goes.
 

[Dynamic]

Thanks, yeeter.

Like I said, for the past 2 months, I changed the focus on myself & working on changing my co-dependent behavior. I did not ask my h to change himself. I did not have those long meaningless talks about improving our r/s let alone participate in circular arguments. I also stopped giving him the silent treatment. Yes, being the non, I was the one with that unhealthy behavior. Instead, I took time outs & when I came back I started talking to him. All these made a major impact on my h.

Only after a certain stage & after he admitted to having a problem & expressing the need to change, I suggested that we see the P. With my recent experience, I also realized that MC will not work as is the case of many members.

As far as being accountable, I suppose my h is also like your w. I just thought that with T, he will be acccountable to her/him to a certain extent. But I guess he is accountable only to himself & upto to him to change with or without T.

Basically I am a logical person & when faced with a challenge, I get the facts, think thoroughly about my options & then take a decision. If it is successful, fine. If it is not, I still take it positive & learn from my mistake since I have learned a lesson the harder way. I also read the disclaimer in this site warning to keep in mind that advice in posts are mostly by laypersons or something on those lines. So don't worry, yeeter. 

When P answers my questions, I will know to a certain extent about her expertise. GM has given the link to the questions to ask T. So I have help in that area. All suggestions for questions are welcome.

May I ask how you found a good T? When I called last week, this P gave me lot of open slots for sessions. Two days back, she said that only 1 slot is open as of that day. I am assuming that it is a good sign since she seems to be sought after for by many clients. However I am not sure.

I will certainly keep you all updated.

 

[Dynamic]

yeeter,
Scenario 4: He does get diagnosis, h wants to change & agrees to T (ideal one which is what I want) - All three would work together. Both h & I will get structured guidance & hopefully will be on the path to success in 2 - 3 years.

[Dynamic]

On a hunch, I just checked the dates my h saw T & it looks like h dysregulated on both those days after his individual sessions with T.

Was it a mere coincidence?

Did T had something to do with it or was it just the BPD in action or both?  

[Blazing Star]

Dynamic,

It sounds like perhaps your H was triggered by his therapy into dysregulating, I know I can feel confronted sometimes after therapy, but I imagine with a pwBPD could find this harder for the triggers. Good observation on your part.

And re your new T, and how to find a good one - I believe, and have been told by Ts also (good ones!) that the key to good therapy is the relationship with your T. So trust your gut on this one. The relationship is primary to the therapy happening - hope that makes sense to you?

Let us know how it goes.

Love Blazing Star xx

[yeeter]

T triggers my wife

I think it's a combination of things. First is that as uNPD she knows everything, so when someone challenges this she writes them off

Second is that often a T will try to force responsibility for ones own actions. This is very triggering ( As so many of us here know, you can't make them take responsibility for anything )

So every time, she melts down eventually and fires the T. This last time it put her in a rage for a week.

Net net.  T just doesnt work for her.  It did in some ways make things worse.

[Dynamic]

Dynamic,

It sounds like perhaps your H was triggered by his therapy into dysregulating, I know I can feel confronted sometimes after therapy, but I imagine with a pwBPD could find this harder for the triggers. Good observation on your part.

And re your new T, and how to find a good one - I believe, and have been told by Ts also (good ones!) that the key to good therapy is the relationship with your T. So trust your gut on this one. The relationship is primary to the therapy happening - hope that makes sense to you?

Let us know how it goes.

Love Blazing Star xx

It did not go well with T for various reasons, the recent one being a whole mess up with billing. I had to call the insurance & sort it out. Yes, I got the feeling that T did not get the whole picture & have the nagging feeling that she is not the right person to help us.

I will keep you all posted.

[Dynamic]

Your doing great dynamic, and have a very thoughtful plan going forward.   

Do try to spend at least as much, or more time thinking about taking care of yourself.

Maybe one minor point.  I haven't had much luck making my wife accountable to anyone.  Ultimately, she is accountable only to herself so if she wants to work on things she can ( with or without T), and if she doesn't she just isn't going to ( with or without T )

Take whatever inputs I have with a grain of salt, it's not like I have any answers.  Each situation really is different, even when there are some common themes.

You did your homework on the new T selection and have the right approach.  Nice work!  Although there are no guarantees, With luck the person will pick up on all the dynamics quickly ( I changed T recently and the new one was up to full speed in only one session!  Experience matters ). So looking forward to hearing how it goes.
 

yeeter,
How did you find the expert?

T triggers my wife

I think it's a combination of things. First is that as uNPD she knows everything, so when someone challenges this she writes them off

Second is that often a T will try to force responsibility for ones own actions. This is very triggering ( As so many of us here know, you can't make them take responsibility for anything )

So every time, she melts down eventually and fires the T. This last time it put her in a rage for a week.

Net net.  T just doesnt work for her.  It did in some ways make things worse.

For once, both h & I agreed that this T is not right.  He did not like the idea of seeing T in her home instead of an office. He also felt that T was wasting time talking about her massage chair (that she bought for her & clients' use) & making coffee during his individual sessions as well.

I got lucky that h did not read the email T forwarded to him. But we have wasted time & money in these sessions. I wasted the free sessions I am allowed by our insurance company by using it on her. I also had a hard time convincing my h that just because this T did not work out, it does not mean that we should stop T totally.

[yeeter]

Hi dynamic. I will try to post a longer thread about finding a T.  ( traveling and on mobile at the moment )

I did a number of things. First, I hired a T as a consultant just to help me figure out how to find a T. ( this was after ...6 failed MC attempts ). She didn't have names, but did give some very relevant advice on the type of therapy to seek and was the one that directed me to this site ( I met with her twice, talked on the phone, and also shared a BUNCH of background material such as email correspondence with my wife, past journeling, etc.

Then I contacted the head of the local chapter of professionals, and asked for names that had the specific background ( schema, DBT, etc ). I found a very well known contact ( I am fortunate to live near a top teaching university and major medical system). Also he worked at a major mental institute and I liked this because that meant he didn't always get to select his patients ( prison, mental wards, etc... Get some tough cases )

We met with him.  Wife did not like.  He referred us to another lady he felt would be helpful.  We ended up seeing her for a few weeks before it all blew up

Then at the same time I was sourcing my own T. Again wanted connection through this top medical system because the physical care I have always gotten from them was outstanding.  I met with him a few times, and even joined a group session with him and it was 'ok', but not great.

Then I met someone that themselves had been diagnosed BPD and had some history of T, and this person referred me to a T that understood everything that was going on within a couple sessions. 

Finding a t took about 6-8 weeks for the first one!  All total about 7 months to find my personal T that gets it.  And a LOT of calls, background research,etc.  Even then I feel like it came down to coincidentally meeting someone with direct experience as being the most helpful

( and also note that in the end MC #8 was no more effective, so I dropped pursuing additional MC all together )

But keeping up with my own ( two T's prior was a 2 year relationship with that T.  I went as far as I could with her but she didn't have the direct experience and that does seem to make a difference )

Good luck!  It's REALLY hard to find the right T.  Screen. Background research. Availability. Convenience of schedule, etc etc.  It did take me several weeks and frustrating at times and hard to be patient ( I wanted improvement now!)

[Dynamic]

yeeter,
Thanks for the detailed reply.

After the bad experience of the last T who had not even heard of the most popular books (SWOE) for nons & who had concluded that my h is not BPD since he has a job, I am trying to do my best with research. My insurance website had listed Personality Disorders, Co-occurring disorders, couple therapy & DBT as the specialities of the psychologist I have recently selected. But when I checked her profile in another site, it looks like she specializes more in trauma, PTSD. But not a word about DBT although personality disorders is in the list. I have sent an email to her asking her areas of specialities & reference to other BPD specialist Ps & Ts if she does not specialize. Waiting for her response.   

[Dynamic]

P replied saying that I better take my h to a specialist, get the evaluation & if testing is needed, P will do it. When asked for other specialists she knows, she suggested her assistant who does not take insurance. Since that will not work for us, I am back searching for P specializing in BPD.

yeeter,
You had mentioned that your current T got it right away. However I am curious to know how it was possible for T to detect the problem & who had it. When I tried to provide lot of details to my last T, it backfired on me. Somehow with just a double session, my h had convinced T that it was me who was always criticizing & that he tried to patient with me & lost his control after a while. So T asked ME to stop criticizing.

About 3 weeks back, we were returning from a hike to the parking lot where our car was & I immediately noticed that the one of the tires was flat. All I said was, one tire is flat & for that I was asked to shut my mouth. How can you talk or get things done or function as a couple/parent when even normal statements (without even a touch of accusation) are taken personal? Yes, I had doubts that maybe I am wrong & the tire just had less air. He continued to drive the car with the flat tire & then declared that something was terribly wrong since there was lot of wobbling & draggging & suspected that the oil leakage which had going on for a while, was also another sign. On the 5th day, the tire was totally flat. When I felt the tire, I found a screw embedded in it. Then called for service & got the tire changed. Yes, you guessed it, there was absolutely no reaction from h regarding my warning about flat tire. The service guy warned that the spare tire is totally worn out & if there was flat tire in the freeway, they will not use the spare but have the car towed. It is 2 weeks since the tire was fixed, but h has still not got a new spare tire.

How do you get things done when h is like this? I can see how T was taken by a ride by h who convincingly switched & pictured me as the one who criticizes. It seems that he also said that he is willing to change & do his part to make the r/s work. T made it sound as if I am the bad person who is the culprit & who has to change.

Btw, how did u present yourself & your wife to the T? Now with a bad experience with T, I am contemplating of how to present our case to T. I thought I would just list the symptoms to start with. Is that what you did? Love to hear so that our future T/P knows the real situation.

[Aida]

Yes, Dynamic,

I want to know, too, what Yeeter did!  Wow. He put in a lot of time to find a therapist!

Dynamic, isn't it amazing how one statement about how the tire being flat can be so loaded? It seems to be that the BPD must be the first to arrive at the solution, also has so much trouble  being wrong about the most mundane issues.

How does one validate that scenario? "Look at that? Does the tire look flat to you?"...Walking on eggshells or, driving on very sharp screws? I just don't know.

Have a great day, Dynamic, and, you ARE Dynamic!

Love,
Aida

[yeeter]

Hi Dynamic,

When I was screening for a T (and also for a MC), I asked about specific experience.  DBT, Schema in particular.  That was it with the MC - any decent MC is going to understand exactly why I was asking, but at the same time T's like to form their own opinion, and also they need to be seen as fair and balanced (not taking sides).

So if you go into MC with an agenda to tell the other person what all their faults are, and blame them for all the problems in the relationship, its not going to work and the T will call you on it.

Besides, none of us here are without baggage that comes from the relationship.

And to be effective with a BPD, the T has to gain some trust with them.  Which might be difficult if they come at it as taking sides.  Its my understanding that T for BPD's comes slowly - weeks and months, and part of the reason is there has to be a very very high degree of trust built between the T and the BPD.

So during the process, I went in with a GENUINE desire to understand what 'I' needed to work on and what I needed to do to make it work.  Rarely did I get into pointing fingers at my wife - I only expressed my own reality.  Because even if this reality is completely off the planet, it is my reality and thus sooner or later has to be addressed (just like my wifes reality has to be addressed - whether accurate or not).

So by genuinely ACTING this way, the T figures out very quickly what the dynamics are (no matter how many accusations your H makes, if the T never sees it then the T will have some degree of doubt on what he says).  I dont mean it as an act - I mean it as genuinely not knowing what 'I' need to be doing to make the relationship work.  I do know, that it WONT work by me suppressing my feelings, thoughts, etc... and always catering to the needs of my wife.  So to be a healthy relationship, I need to learn how to get my own needs met in the relationship (ideally we do this together, in MC).

Now its worth noting that the MC didnt work (8 counselors over the years) - but this was primarily due to therapy just not being useful for my wife.  (high uNPD traits, with uBPD when stressed - was how the last MC explained it to me during the follow up visit I had after my wife quit it).

Im not sure how this approach can backfire.  Again, if the T felt I needed to do something or stop doing something, I took this to heart as them trying to genuinely help me.  It wasnt about my wife per se (and most T's try to demonstrate balance, again to come across as fair and balanced).  Remember - nothing is 50/50... it could be 90/10 or 60/40... what ever works for the two individuals that are in that particular relationship.

I wasnt there to 'fix' my wife.  I was there to learn how to improve the relationship (by my own actions).  Very much the philosophy of this forum even.  (again, found to be most effective and an experienced T will get this)

I hope this helps.  Keep asking questions.  I found the quest for a T (and also a MC) to be difficult, frustrating, and lengthy path.


Oh - and another note:  I have found that many T's have bookcases in their office.  Take a look at the books there.  If there arent any re: personality disorders ask what texts are useful. 

[Dynamic]

Yes, Dynamic,

I want to know, too, what Yeeter did!  Wow. He put in a lot of time to find a therapist!

Dynamic, isn't it amazing how one statement about how the tire being flat can be so loaded? It seems to be that the BPD must be the first to arrive at the solution, also has so much trouble  being wrong about the most mundane issues.

How does one validate that scenario? "Look at that? Does the tire look flat to you?"...Walking on eggshells or, driving on very sharp screws? I just don't know.

Have a great day, Dynamic, and, you ARE Dynamic!

Love,
Aida

Thank you Aida. Hope you have a great day too.

During my journey into self discovery, I could see how my innocent comments have been regarded as criticism by h. But saying 'one tire is flat' took the cake. Asking him whether the tire is flat also would have backfired, for sure. He would have replied in the same manner or even worse.

For the same reason, I cannot talk with him about anything. So I am left to deal with it myself (like I have all these years) & he gets shielded from a problem. Above all, I get doubts about myself just like I thought that maybe the tire has less air. I would have understood if my h also said the same. But no, he strongly believed that that the tire was ok, he is ok, just I am not ok.    

I cannot tell you how many times this has happened only this time my statement was SO not accusatory at all. 

[yeeter]

Yes, I have this dynamic as well.  Somehow in the communications there is 'implication' of blame.

One of the MC's coached us "dont assume"

It was good advice, just not that useful.

For example in the flat tire scenario you said "one tire is flat".

He may have heard:  'she wants me to stop and check the tire and then figure out what to do... more work for me... and its late and it will put us behind schedule and then no one will get sleep and then everyone will be cranky and thus there will be a blow up..."

Of course a lot of catastrophizing, and a lot of assumptions in his interpretation.  Maybe (hard to really know)

I have found it works better if I try to focus solely on my own actions.  Maybe :  "Next time there is the opportunity I want to get out and check the tire".  (now again he might get upset that he has to accommodate you - but you are only asking for him to allow YOU to do something, not asking for him to do anything, so maybe this makes it easier for him?)

Yes this puts it all on you, but thats what I found works best in the relationship.

[Dynamic]

Hi Dynamic,

When I was screening for a T (and also for a MC), I asked about specific experience.  DBT, Schema in particular.  That was it with the MC - any decent MC is going to understand exactly why I was asking, but at the same time T's like to form their own opinion, and also they need to be seen as fair and balanced (not taking sides).

So if you go into MC with an agenda to tell the other person what all their faults are, and blame them for all the problems in the relationship, its not going to work and the T will call you on it.

Besides, none of us here are without baggage that comes from the relationship.

And to be effective with a BPD, the T has to gain some trust with them.  Which might be difficult if they come at it as taking sides.  Its my understanding that T for BPD's comes slowly - weeks and months, and part of the reason is there has to be a very very high degree of trust built between the T and the BPD.

So during the process, I went in with a GENUINE desire to understand what 'I' needed to work on and what I needed to do to make it work.  Rarely did I get into pointing fingers at my wife - I only expressed my own reality.  Because even if this reality is completely off the planet, it is my reality and thus sooner or later has to be addressed (just like my wifes reality has to be addressed - whether accurate or not).

So by genuinely ACTING this way, the T figures out very quickly what the dynamics are (no matter how many accusations your H makes, if the T never sees it then the T will have some degree of doubt on what he says).  I dont mean it as an act - I mean it as genuinely not knowing what 'I' need to be doing to make the relationship work.  I do know, that it WONT work by me suppressing my feelings, thoughts, etc... and always catering to the needs of my wife.  So to be a healthy relationship, I need to learn how to get my own needs met in the relationship (ideally we do this together, in MC).

Now its worth noting that the MC didnt work (8 counselors over the years) - but this was primarily due to therapy just not being useful for my wife.  (high uNPD traits, with uBPD when stressed - was how the last MC explained it to me during the follow up visit I had after my wife quit it).

Im not sure how this approach can backfire.  Again, if the T felt I needed to do something or stop doing something, I took this to heart as them trying to genuinely help me.  It wasnt about my wife per se (and most T's try to demonstrate balance, again to come across as fair and balanced).  Remember - nothing is 50/50... it could be 90/10 or 60/40... what ever works for the two individuals that are in that particular relationship.

I wasnt there to 'fix' my wife.  I was there to learn how to improve the relationship (by my own actions).  Very much the philosophy of this forum even.  (again, found to be most effective and an experienced T will get this)

I hope this helps.  Keep asking questions.  I found the quest for a T (and also a MC) to be difficult, frustrating, and lengthy path.


Oh - and another note:  I have found that many T's have bookcases in their office.  Take a look at the books there.  If there arent any re: personality disorders ask what texts are useful. 

I do not want to ask T whether he/she is a BPD specialist & want T to see our situation without being warned beforehand. Off course a good T will not be biased & form their own opinion. Ironically, my last T was not convinced though I shared my doubts that h might be BPD. Then later on she said that my h has some borderline traits & they cannot take criticism well. Then she went back saying that h is not BPD because he has a job.

I see now how wrong it was to make a list of complaints about h. I was merely trying to tell all the facts to T so she knows what is going on.

I understand that T needs to build trust with pwBPD, but T should do it without him/her encouraging or leading pwBPD that its the spouse who has the problem. Isn't that what they are trained for - to tackle the person with the problem especially BPD so that T does not increase the problem between the couple? I got lucky that my h did not think of reading T's emails to me, which T forwarded to him.

During my self discovery journey after learning about BPD, I quickly saw how I was contributing to this craziness & stopped doing those things right away. Getting lured into arguments, giving silent treatment (yes I, the non was doing it  ) were some things that I stopped. I also stopped providing solutions when h came to me with some concerns (nothing to do with our r/s) but in general like things at work, his weight issues. I started to ask him questions to make him think & come up with solutions himself. I also let him do things his way (fully knowing that it is not going to work & it is no use pointing it out anyway, since he is not going to listen & only lead to another disagreement) so that he faces the consequences of what I was trying to warn him about. I have changed my ways & I am ready to work on things (that I cannot see myself) that T recognizes & points out. But I cannot accept that my 'criticism' is the only main factor that has made him to not get involved with repairs at home & which has made him lose his temper especially when he considers my comments like 'tire is flat' as criticism or blaming & be rude to me.

And here's the thing. H can be very sweet & convincing. He has made his case by acting as the better person who wants to make it work though I am the one who is bad. He is very smart & shrewd to behave well especially during T.

Like you said, I should tell how challenging it is for me to see what I am supposed to be doing to make the r/s work. On the other hand, I also don't want to look as though I am the trouble maker who is seeking a solution. You know what I mean. I am planning to practice presenting my case so it does not look as though I am full of complaints about him. I think saying how I am affected by such & such a situation & how clueless I am as to how to react to those situations. Is that a good idea?

[Dynamic]

Yes, I have this dynamic as well.  Somehow in the communications there is 'implication' of blame.

One of the MC's coached us "dont assume"

It was good advice, just not that useful.

For example in the flat tire scenario you said "one tire is flat".

He may have heard:  'she wants me to stop and check the tire and then figure out what to do... more work for me... and its late and it will put us behind schedule and then no one will get sleep and then everyone will be cranky and thus there will be a blow up..."

Of course a lot of catastrophizing, and a lot of assumptions in his interpretation.  Maybe (hard to really know)

I have found it works better if I try to focus solely on my own actions.  Maybe :  "Next time there is the opportunity I want to get out and check the tire".  (now again he might get upset that he has to accommodate you - but you are only asking for him to allow YOU to do something, not asking for him to do anything, so maybe this makes it easier for him?)

Yes this puts it all on you, but thats what I found works best in the relationship.

yeeter,
You are right. I thought about how he could have taken my comment in the wrong sense. We were returning after a 3 hour hike. We were little bit tired but not totally exhausted. I guess he was thinking that if it is a flat tire, then we have to wait for the service guy for them to come & fix it - a problem since at that point we were ready to eat & then take rest. Its not a big deal for me, but probably for him. I know it is very distressing for him when things don't go as planned or something unexpected happens. He takes it really hard & make it hard for me & our sons as well.

But the thing is, with him making this kind of elaborated assumptions for such innocent statements, I am not able to talk freely with him without worrying about what or how he is going to reply. That is walking on eggshells which is what I am trying to avoid. I can also see how my other comments would lead to him to believe that I am criticizing him. According to him, I suppose he is making a honest case to T in saying that I criticize 'a lot'.  

Your suggestion that I could have said that I need to check the tire might also have not worked. He would have said that I am imagining things & giving a chance for the mechanic to make money. On the other hand, when I lost my handbag with wallet, driver's license, car keys & all, he never ever criticized me or chided me for being careless. When I informed him of the theft, he acted responsibly by quickly calling the credit card companies & bank people to cancel my cards. He never once brought it up during the 3 years that incident happened. Oh, the wonders of our BPD spouses!  

[yeeter]

On the other hand, I also don't want to look as though I am the trouble maker who is seeking a solution. You know what I mean. I am planning to practice presenting my case so it does not look as though I am full of complaints about him. I think saying how I am affected by such & such a situation & how clueless I am as to how to react to those situations. Is that a good idea?

I think over the course of the MC I have done, I transitioned from trying to position 'my side' of the story to simply that of being there to try and learn what it takes to make it work.  Almost always, at first, there is 'work for me to do'.  Whether I was already doing this work or not doesnt matter, because the T will assume Im not (and likely is the case for most of the people they see).  So I just take this input, put extra effort into applying it, and after a few sessions they see that I am doing my part. 

But first I have to demonstrate it.  And if I come in with an agenda to 'build my case' on what is wrong with my partner - not likely to get very far.

The best way to be seen as not having complaints against him - is - to not have any complaints about him.  (sounds circular doesnt it - but its true!).  Here is where acceptance is so powerful.

If you come into it as just accepting him for the way he is.  Accepting the relationship for what it is.  Accepting that there are parts of it that are not working.  Accepting that there are still needs that you have that are not being met, and you need to figure out how to get these needs (or give up on them). 

Then its about you.  Not about him.  He can do, and be whatever he wants.  That may or may not satisfy your needs - but then it becomes more a joint problem on how to solve it.  After all, this way you are communicating to him - in a non judgmental way - that you arent happy and are struggling to survive and are on a quest to get your own life in order.  He can participate - or not.

Now its all about you.  How to cope.  How to get your needs met. 

At the same time - he deserves the chance to do the same.  No doubt there are areas that are not working for him - needs that he feels are not being met.  So you can listen, and give consideration to these (whether rational or not).  And decide to help him or not. 

The hard part is to not make it into a competition.  And not make it a 50/50 proposition.  Its about whether each of you are able to give the other person what they need to the degree they need it.  Or not.

Philosophical in nature, but it has helped me in how I approach the whole thing.

(but again, in the end MC FAILED so Im not sure Im the best one to be giving MC advice...)

[Dynamic]

I can also see that MC will not work for us since we have a long history & there have been countless incidents. Like your wife, he also has NPD traits too. At this point of time, I think it is a waste of time to bring up things from the past, instead focus on breaking the cycle & moving forward.

My h has agreed to see a psychologist, get evaluated & tested. So depending on what the results are & what P (preferably BPD specialist) suggests, I will go from there to see a T specializing in BPD.

I will probably start a new thread asking people how they approached T & how T found out that their SO had BPD.