how do you recover from rages both in the short term and the long term?

[Think About It...]

Last night was filled with a verbal rage which was set on lies. Multiple things he said I did or thought that I was not.  This is not the first time these things have come up, and they will not be the the last.

It began with him accusing me of being quiet for the last week (maybe I was, but for no reason, really) He asked me multiple times "What's wrong," insisting that something was indeed wrong.  Nothing was wrong so I asked, "What do you think is wrong?" He began saying that my family is playing mind games with me, that they are laying on the guilt for not going to the current family affair (which they are not, and on top of that it is out of town on my birthday and we had already discussed me not wanting to go), saying that "I want to go."  This is all false!  He then switched it over saying that his family (who I love and adore) is tired of putting up with me, that they also thought I was being quiet lately, that they were asking what was wrong, that they are tired of taking care of me because my family won't, that they do not want to put up with my family issues."  I know in my heart that these are lies!  He tells me I "am jealous and always have been," "...Of what?" I asked," "That I go do things with his family and he does not with mine he says." He tells me "All I do is ruin his life."  This was the main premise, but of course there were many other rude, sny, hurtful comments, about this and not about this, inbedded in the rage.  I found it hard to remain calm this time, and I became defensive, two things I have been trying not to do, because it usually works) but these were all lies!  I stepped out to go for a walk, came home, and fell asleep on the couch.  

This morning I awoke to him trying to hug me, kiss me, cuddle with me.  Was this his way of trying to apologize? Does he realize what he said? After what he said to me I am not in the mood for any of those things.  Sometimes it takes me days to recover from the rages, and often, months later the things he said will plague my mind when given the proper circumstance.

Before we visited his family, and "I was quiet," he did ask me what was wrong multiple times, and asked if "I didn't want to go" (which was not true, but did make me feel a little off). This conversation happened many other times before, sometimes it is before we visit his family other times it is after.  Sometimes it is that I am acting awkward (or other ways) around his family.  This is making me feel strange around his family, I feel like I just act like myself, I know what he says is not the truth, but I fear it subconciously impacting my self esteem.  It hurts.  

What I want to know is how do you recover these incidents/rages both in the short term, and the long term?

[buterfly]

Last night was filled with a verbal rage which was set on lies. Multiple things he said I did or thought that I was not.  This is not the first time these things have come up, and they will not be the the last.

It began with him accusing me of being quiet for the last week (maybe I was, but for no reason, really) He asked me multiple times "What's wrong," insisting that something was indeed wrong.  Nothing was wrong so I asked, "What do you think is wrong?" He began saying that my family is playing mind games with me, that they are laying on the guilt for not going to the current family affair (which they are not, and on top of that it is out of town on my birthday and we had already discussed me not wanting to go), saying that "I want to go."  This is all false!  He then switched it over saying that his family (who I love and adore) is tired of putting up with me, that they also thought I was being quiet lately, that they were asking what was wrong, that they are tired of taking care of me because my family won't, that they do not want to put up with my family issues."  I know in my heart that these are lies!  He tells me I "am jealous and always have been," "...Of what?" I asked," "That I go do things with his family and he does not with mine he says." He tells me "All I do is ruin his life."  This was the main premise, but of course there were many other rude, sny, hurtful comments, about this and not about this, inbedded in the rage.  I found it hard to remain calm this time, and I became defensive, two things I have been trying not to do, because it usually works) but these were all lies!  I stepped out to go for a walk, came home, and fell asleep on the couch.  

This morning I awoke to him trying to hug me, kiss me, cuddle with me.  Was this his way of trying to apologize? Does he realize what he said? After what he said to me I am not in the mood for any of those things.  Sometimes it takes me days to recover from the rages, and often, months later the things he said will plague my mind when given the proper circumstance.

Before we visited his family, and "I was quiet," he did ask me what was wrong multiple times, and asked if "I didn't want to go" (which was not true, but did make me feel a little off). This conversation happened many other times before, sometimes it is before we visit his family other times it is after.  Sometimes it is that I am acting awkward (or other ways) around his family.  This is making me feel strange around his family, I feel like I just act like myself, I know what he says is not the truth, but I fear it subconciously impacting my self esteem.  It hurts.  

What I want to know is how do you recover these incidents/rages both in the short term, and the long term?

[Steph]

 We dont stick around for rages.

We know that raging is a really poor coping mechanism for people with BPD and oftentimes, they get a rush off of it..adrenalin making them feel strong, powerful and in control..

At the first indication of verbal abuse or raging, quietly exit..the room, the house...whatever it takes.

He can rage all he wants, but you arent there to hear it and to contribute to it. By staying for a rage, we are saying its ok to vomit emotionally all over us.

So, if you arent there to hear it, there is no need for recovery

Preventive medicine.

 Please do read the Lessons, to your right. I think it will help alot.

Steph

[briefcase]

Steph beat me to the punch.  Take a time out when the raging starts.  Screaming, yelling, name calling, door slamming, throwing things are all signs of a rage and a signal for us to take a time out.  Leave the house if necessary. 

Over the long term, exposure to these rages will have a damaging effect on you. 

[Dynamic]

Steph & BC,
I have been taking timeouts & avoid getting into the argument. But what do you do when it is late in the night when it is not safe to go out? I think buterfly had this argument in the night too. So when h dysregulates late in the night, w stays at home, then morning h is all romantic, what do you do? How can one react to that?

[gina louise]

oh buterfly,   

i am so sorry that you had to go through this.
we have all been there, safe to say.
I also get accused of being *too quiet* as though it's an awful thing-and not self preservation!

I would also like to know what I might do when my H is trying to *mind read* me, pretending to know what I am thinking. it's baffling, projection at it's worst- and it seems there's no good (safe) response to it!

I think you did the right thing initially by leaving the house for a walk and sleeping apart.

The only thing I have used in the past is validation-perhaps saying to your H * I see how you might FEEL that way...but I am just tired and that's why I was quiet*

By validating you are telling him you understand HIS perception-not necessarily agreeing with it.
In fact, you might not agree at all! BUT the important part is allowing that you can see they have a right to feel however they are feeling.
That does not negate your part, or your feelings...it just gives them *space* to have theirs.
For some reason it works. They need to feel that space.

Validation works on my husband very well. I used to try to explain how he was wrong (well, he was!) and try to justify or defend MY feelings. He never heard me. At all.
AT least with validation now it sometimes goes no further.

let us know how it's going,
GL

[yeeter]

Hi butterfly,

First, you have to keep yourself healthy and emotionally strong

Then dis engage as much as possible when a rage happens

If home and you can't leave, go to another part of the house and lock a door

Surround yourself with people that know and love you, and spend time with them. 

If you can stay emotionally strong and have confidence in yourself, it won't affect you as much what he might say or think, because you know yourself and know how you feel and what you think

The gas lighting, and rewriting history, and telling you what you think and how you feel is particularly frustrating. Especially when he starts pulling others into it.

Take the high road.  Use your support network.  Stay strong. 

[LoveNotWar]

Leave physically if you can. I call it a break and say to my h " I am feeling tense and need to take a break". At first the extinction outbursts were horrible and I got the silent treatment for DAYS after but this is one area I am ultra consistent. I don't stay for rages and it's getting better now. At first he would tell me we were DONE if I left and I thought to myself "well I gotta do this and what ever happens happens".

If you can't leave physically...it's like yeeter said...leave emotionally. I remember a time early on in our BPD life where my h backed me into a small bathroom. I got in the shower stall and he proceed, for over an hour, to rage at me. I curled up, closed my eyes, let my mind wander and I couldnt tell you a single thing he said? I shut my mouth and didn't say a word. We were way beyond validation at that point.

He finally wore himself out, sat down beside me and fell asleep. Thank goodness we have less  of those scenes now!

And yes, when he's calm he gets all lovey dovey. I just have to remember...as yeeter says...I've chosen to live with ( and love) a person with emotional problems.

It is hard sometimes and ya gotta be strong. 

[amaris]

I agree with everyone here...I have it all --the projections, the multiple rages, and pouts, the OCD angry rants...I have found that if I can't leave at the moment I can disengage from him and stay calm and he rants out...then feels foolish...and then the cycle starts over again...I stated to him very plainly and with a calm voice, that he is responsible for his own behavior and whatever follows as a result...but my new boundaries were that when he starts a rage or in any way begins to abuse me emotionally I will leave the house and won't come back until he is better...but I assured him I would come back if he is normal..which alleviated his fear of being abandoned forever...he knows I mean it.  Now, I have gone a step further from what I have learned here in detaching and not responding except with "I can see you feel that way" to which he seems deflated when I say it.   It makes it no longer about me and I can see his illness manifesting.  Yes, the damage was great and it is hard if you allow yourself to be subjected to trying to reason with a crazy guy who makes no sense...the toll has been hard on me and I seriously thought I would have a heart attack...you so need people who love you to validate you and talk to and when you learn to detach you feel empowered...

[amaris]

I also meant to say that I had to learn to follow through in leaving many times before he realized I would do as I said...sometimes I ordered him out and he would storm out and leave burning rubber down the street, but he left...he would come back sometimes back in control, but many times over the past years he would stay in that state for weeks and not talk to me at all...guess he showed me...NOT!

[united for now]

Being proactive is the first step.
You won't incur any hurt if you don't stick around to listen to it 

Radical acceptance its the next step.
You are here because you believe he is mentally ill. The very definition of mental illness is behavior that isn't "normal",  thus it should be expected. Our own expectations of normal behavior winds up disappointing us. This is our reality gap between what we wish and what we have. And it is ours to readjust.

Through acceptance you find the forgiveness you are seeking 

[waverider]

For those times when its late, and you cant go out and want to sleep, spare room with a bed, lock on the inside, iphone/ipod with ear plugs and a valium.

Apart from the distress followed on by loss of sleep can make the next day so much more horrible.

[woodstock79]

There are a number of things, some I might be able to predict, but many totally out of the blue, which set my partner into even small "rages" where she is yelling or throwing something, sometimes slamming a door or just being almost totally silent.  I need to learn, more than ever, to just let her be for at least a few minutes, and walk away.  If we are in the car, sometimes, turning on the radio or something is distracting and things will eventually mellow after a bit.

[waverider]

I prefer the completely outlandlish crazy type rages which are blatently obviously ridiculous than rages about real or exaggerated events. That way its so ridiculous I am not even tempted to be dragged into defending myself, and I can mentally remove myself and almost find the comical in the absurdity

Sometimes i imagine it being a John Cleese comedy sketch I am watching

[gina louise]

Buterfly,
in the short run...I would leave the room or often the house. If it's late at night I just go to bed.(alone) Only once did he follow me to bed. the other times he slept in another room.

I would tell him *I will not talk to you until you calm down*. He knows he's the only one yelling-so that's a non-issue.
that exit is just to prevent more damage.

Now...to recover, really get my legs back under me? It used to take me days...literally days of shell shocked numbness where I would replay what was said and done. It was awful. And he would usually stay at a simmering level of rage during the week after an episode.

What I finally did was brush it off. I treated it as if you might a child having a tantrum. People in tantrums say and do things against all normal behavior. It's his disorder saying those things-not him...Even if he believes I am a liar(fill in the blank) in his rage-he KNOWS that I am not a liar/idiot/selfish in my everyday life. I am a really good, stable, practical person-who loves him.

You can find a level of balance within yourself that says logically-This is my H, he is not always like this, he has a disorder that can rule his thoughts and behaviors and when he's scared/anxious/stressed...his disorder overtakes his normal behavior.
It often appears to me like a seizure of sorts so I treat it as such...Once it's gone, it's over.
He certainly finds his balance pretty quickly-it is a catharsis of sorts for him.
He admitted to his sponsor that HE is always the only one screaming or yelling.
I remain calm.

I have often wondered if these people NEED to practice physically aggressive sports such as kick boxing-and that will help let off steam? But my H is too mild and not muscular enough for that!

There are other self care things you might do after the fact...just to make yourself FEEL better.
Take a walk, visit a shop or a gallery, window shop, bake something... Create a cushion of peace and care for yourself-away from him.

Take yourself out-don't stay home and ruminate over what happened. It's done, it's past. It's history. AL anon says don't bring up the past...and that's one of the most useful things I learned. Nobody can change ANY of the past-and one usually dredges up the bad, mucky stuff by bringing it up.
Find a way for yourself that turns a page and move on.
And don't blame the pwBPD-they can't help it once they are lost in a rage.

I used to try afterwards to rationalize the episodes with my H (sit and *talk* about it?)...but it's just too crazy for that. there's no sense to it.

I wanted recognition, an apology, something from HIM that told me he realized what he was doing was terribly wrong and unjust-and one sided. I rarely fought back! He did finally admit it was emotionally abusive-all his screaming and cursing and yelling-but still claimed I pushed him to it.

this month has been good...Not sure why. My unemployment is about to run out next month-so we'll see what happens then.
Hope this helps,
GL

[buterfly]

Thank you all for your advice.  It helps so much just to read all of your responses!  I have let the rages damage me for years, and up until a year or two ago I figured this all out, and I am working on breaking free! 
Here are my thoughts on the posts so far:

The things I know I do right:
- Given the situation, I typically do try to validate, and usually do a pretty good job.  I don't know if this time I was just taken off guard by the lies or if it was late or what, but I definitely just forgot that I had tools to use, duh ?
- Also, When rages occur I do try to leave, physically if I can, and mentally if I can't.  This time I tried to block it out mentally, but couldn't, so I left shortly after it started, but unfortunately had already heard too much.  Many, many other times before I have left the house and wandered around late at night, I live in a big city so to tell you the truth it really isn't safe for me to do this.  In fact I have had a couple close calls on these occasions, but at the moment I would rather risk my life than be with my BPD 
- If I can get away I document it in my journal, and that usually makes me feel better.  I do not keep my journal in the house though, b/c my BPD has read it several times, used the information against me, and even torn it apart in front of my face, so...

The things you have helped me realize:
- I will re-read the tools, and see if there is anything useful that I may have missed.
- I love the idea of thinking of a rage like a seizure, there and frightening at one moment, and gone the next.  This helps me to accept what is happening just a little more. 
- Also I love the line "through acceptance you find the forgiveness you are seeking."  I will keep that in mind because after a rage it is sooo hard to try to forgive, and just forgetting about it is not enough. 
- I do my best to stay emotionally strong, but I need to work on that when he brings up family, the desyntigration of my family (because of him, really) in his mind really hits my soft spot, and I can't let him do that.

[united for now]

my question - are you waiting too long before you take a time out?

[trevy32]

Wow, this thread has brought up some stuff for me.   Buterfly you are really brave to be finding a way to deal with this and trying to understand your man.  I didn't know anything about validation and ways to cope when my ex uBPD was having rages, I would almost always fight back. Towards the end when I had already started detaching from the r/s, I found it easier to detach at these times, and copped onto leaving, or not hearing the toxic stuff he would be saying to me.  Sometimes I would stick my fingers in my ears and say 'la la I'm not listening' which was in retrospect very childish and would make him even worse. Leaving is definitely the best, or locking yourself in a different room, I did that sometimes, especially with my daugther. A few times, he flew into a rage in the car, which of course was very dangerous as he would put his foot down on the pedal, and brake and accelerate erratically.  Once or twice I asked him to stop the car and I got out. Once on holiday in a foreign country, he stopped the car and actually pulled me out and left me crying on the roadside - and I was pregnant!  All because he wanted me to knock on a stranger's door and ask them a question about accommodation and I didn't want to!  Then another time when we were abroad, our daughter was about 2, and playing up a bit in the car he flew into a rage in a carpark on the motorway and yelled at her like a crazy man. There was absolutely nowhere for us to go, and my daughter was very scared.

I wish I had known about validation then and I dearly wish I had known about this site... I didn't have anyone to talk to about what was going on, I was ashamed.  It sounds like you are already so aware and dealing with it really well.  Would it help to talk calmly about those family issues with him? Maybe reassure him that you have no issues with his family, Or would that be triggering again?  I hope you are feeling better anyway and sending you a hug