Weekends are always stressful.

[Think About It...]

The weekend was a 3-day weekend as I had Friday off.  I have been working on my roses, but decided to treat myself to some fun activities.  So Friday morning I went golfing.  When I came back I decided to have my bicycle looked at and then went to check out monitors for a computer.  These actions seemed to have put my wife in a bit of dysregulation.  She did not seem to mind the golf, but the other 2 actions had her upset (i.e. she is convinced I saw some female and want to bike with her. ?  The computer is always a sore point.  She is convinced that I am visiting porn sites or have a Facebook account with tons of female friends there.  She also thinks I am a voyeur.    The only thing she has not accused me of is being a child molester.) .

Afterwards we put together a grocery list (for a birthday party on Saturday) and went to the market.  While there we ran into a blond.  I have learned that doing anything different is bad.  So I went about my business as usual, but noticed wife went into even greater dysregulation.  Then while there her son calls and is upset over something (actually this is another story that I'll save for later).  He is really pissed at her and this stress puts her into even greater dysregulation.  So we get home and she is very upset.  So I purposely got busy with yard work and getting ready for the party.  Saturday, comes and in the morning I am working very hard on my roses.  Then I wash-up, take the monkey bread out of the refrigerator, and find out at the last moment that we don't have birthday cards, so I am upstairs making birthday cards (I have card stock and envelopes).  I then come downstairs start the barbecue.  The dough is rising now and I punch it down.  My wife is decorating now, getting the drinks ready, making a salad, and putting out the chips and dip.  I am outside barbecuing the meat.

The short version of all this: I was very busy.  At some point in the evening, I guess my wife starts to notice and appreciate.  During the party she starts to wink at me and giving me the look.  This is great.  I don't see this as her painting me white as much as basic appreciation of me.  And by minimizing contact with her while she was upset seemed to do the trick.

On Sunday morning, my wife is trying to put on a certain dress.  This dress is a figure-forming and somewhat difficult to put on.  It has a zipper on one side that has to be in the down position to put it on.  Well she forgets to put the zipper down before putting it over her head.  She gets trapped.  I have to lower the zipper so that she can put it on.  Except the zipper is stuck.  So she begins to freak out.  I don't know how to describe this, an anxiety attack, panic attack?  I actually have to back off and allow her to calm down.  During this brief moment, words come out of her mouth.  She is re-living a moment in her childhood and the being trapped sensation was bringing this all back.

This moment with the zipper was different though.  She was suffering from extreme panic at a memory in which she once was trapped.  When an adult had trapped her (From previous conversations over our brief 3 years of marriage, she says she was molested as a child not once, but twice.  Once by a man across the street and another time by an uncle).  However this memory was different and new.  I wonder, whether she was not merely molested but raped.  I also wonder whether her father was the key person involved.

Yes I got the zipper down.  She decided to wear a different dress.

After the episode she was  very angry with men in general.  I quickly validated all her anger and then gently re-directed that anger toward any adult that abuse children.   After that she was very clingy, thankful, and affectionate.   I know she went through hell long ago and I am paying the price.  But, the way I saw it this was a freebee validation moment.

The thing that is really bothering me now is, I have read and read and read many posts here.  I don't see anything or anyone here having problems quite like this.  I have read about others getting the accusations, but not the panic attacks or the phobias.  Is anyone having these kinds of problems?

[JimNelson89]

The weekend was a 3-day weekend as I had Friday off.  I have been working on my roses, but decided to treat myself to some fun activities.  So Friday morning I went golfing.  When I came back I decided to have my bicycle looked at and then went to check out monitors for a computer.  These actions seemed to have put my wife in a bit of dysregulation.  She did not seem to mind the golf, but the other 2 actions had her upset (i.e. she is convinced I saw some female and want to bike with her. ?  The computer is always a sore point.  She is convinced that I am visiting porn sites or have a Facebook account with tons of female friends there.  She also thinks I am a voyeur.    The only thing she has not accused me of is being a child molester.) .

Afterwards we put together a grocery list (for a birthday party on Saturday) and went to the market.  While there we ran into a blond.  I have learned that doing anything different is bad.  So I went about my business as usual, but noticed wife went into even greater dysregulation.  Then while there her son calls and is upset over something (actually this is another story that I'll save for later).  He is really pissed at her and this stress puts her into even greater dysregulation.  So we get home and she is very upset.  So I purposely got busy with yard work and getting ready for the party.  Saturday, comes and in the morning I am working very hard on my roses.  Then I wash-up, take the monkey bread out of the refrigerator, and find out at the last moment that we don't have birthday cards, so I am upstairs making birthday cards (I have card stock and envelopes).  I then come downstairs start the barbecue.  The dough is rising now and I punch it down.  My wife is decorating now, getting the drinks ready, making a salad, and putting out the chips and dip.  I am outside barbecuing the meat.

The short version of all this: I was very busy.  At some point in the evening, I guess my wife starts to notice and appreciate.  During the party she starts to wink at me and giving me the look.  This is great.  I don't see this as her painting me white as much as basic appreciation of me.  And by minimizing contact with her while she was upset seemed to do the trick.

On Sunday morning, my wife is trying to put on a certain dress.  This dress is a figure-forming and somewhat difficult to put on.  It has a zipper on one side that has to be in the down position to put it on.  Well she forgets to put the zipper down before putting it over her head.  She gets trapped.  I have to lower the zipper so that she can put it on.  Except the zipper is stuck.  So she begins to freak out.  I don't know how to describe this, an anxiety attack, panic attack?  I actually have to back off and allow her to calm down.  During this brief moment, words come out of her mouth.  She is re-living a moment in her childhood and the being trapped sensation was bringing this all back.

This moment with the zipper was different though.  She was suffering from extreme panic at a memory in which she once was trapped.  When an adult had trapped her (From previous conversations over our brief 3 years of marriage, she says she was molested as a child not once, but twice.  Once by a man across the street and another time by an uncle).  However this memory was different and new.  I wonder, whether she was not merely molested but raped.  I also wonder whether her father was the key person involved.

Yes I got the zipper down.  She decided to wear a different dress.

After the episode she was  very angry with men in general.  I quickly validated all her anger and then gently re-directed that anger toward any adult that abuse children.   After that she was very clingy, thankful, and affectionate.   I know she went through hell long ago and I am paying the price.  But, the way I saw it this was a freebee validation moment.

The thing that is really bothering me now is, I have read and read and read many posts here.  I don't see anything or anyone here having problems quite like this.  I have read about others getting the accusations, but not the panic attacks or the phobias.  Is anyone having these kinds of problems?

[united for now]

BPD is an emotional regulation disorder.
Rapidly Fluctuating emotions, an inability to self soothe, extreme distress, severe dysphoria, and intense anger are all ways threat it can manifest itself.

Many members have SO's with phobias and fears and especially insecurities...

[Auspicious]

UFN is right - BPD can manifest in many different way, in different people.

Also, other disorders can be present along with BPD.

[JimNelson89]

My wife is being difficult...  My wife is being difficult...  My wife is being extremely difficult!  Ouch!

Last night she was upset.  She does not raise her voice but uses a cold chilling tone.  She wanted to know who I had told/shared the Sunday event with.  She asked whether I had seen my T.  I said yes.  She asked if I had told him anything.  She wants to know every detail.  I said the matter was private.  She kept pressing.  She got frustrated that I would not answer and accused me of being evasive.  I gathered that she does not want me to share everything that happened with my therapist.  But she can confide with her friend.  But at the same time I can confide with a male friend, just not a therapist? ?  Does this make sense?

Q: How do I respond when she wants to know every detail of what I share with a T?

Then she got upset because I had not asked her how she was doing (emotionally) because of Sunday's event.  I had not asked because of the old adage, "Let sleeping Dogs Lie".  It was not like she was emotionally or physically injured on Sunday.  She had a flashback of a memory long ago in which she was emotionally and physically injured.  Those scars have long since healed, maybe incomplete, but as best as they could.  I told her, "I saw that you were happy and felt you had put it behind you."

She also thinks I told my sister.  I told her, "No I have not."  She was obsessed with the idea that I told someone, even T (I did tell this group, but I am not going to share her that).

Q: How do I handle these obsessions?

She says that my not asking (about how she was doing) was proof that I did not care about her.  I asked, "how does that prove anything?"  She got upset with that question saying, "I was being evasive by asking a question."

So I then ask how she is doing, did she discover some new memory from her past?  She refuses to answer the question until I vow that I won't tell anyone, not even T.  Then she gets caught up on whether I should make my vow with God or money (implying that money is my God).  So she decides it ought to be on money.  Then before she could hear my answer, she changes the subject.  She started saying something like, "I feel I gave you ammo to use against me."  This in reference to her panic attack on Sunday.  She makes this reference to "Ammo" several times.  Then said that I had violated some trust between us.  And on and on and on ...

Ironically I never got a chance to make any vow.  I was going to decline, but never got a chance.

Afterwards
So now I am thinking about her reference to ammo.  Is that how she views marriage?  So to her is marriage a battlefield?  There is her side and my side?  We take up arms and try to beat the other.  Is that how she sees it?

Something tells me that if I am going to save this marriage I am going to have to dig.  And as I dig it is going to get ugly.  If I want to use her metaphor, I will have to put on a bullet proof vest.

Q: Should I dig?

[united for now]

Can you reframe your original thought?

Your wife isn't "being" difficult.
Your wife is feeling shame and fear over what happened.

Q1) we have personal spaces and boundaries regarding what we share. Conversations with a T are private. You don't need to JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain) with her over them. You need to believe you have a right to privacy in that.

Q2) you addressed the facts and explained yourself. You didn't validate her feelings. She was telling you she feels vulnerable and worried, feelings you didn't address with your focus on facts. You invalidated her, which escalated the exchange. 

Q3) under NO circumstances should you try to uncover the sources of her problems   You are not her T, you are not skilled in helping people cope with painful memories.

Have you gone through lesson 1 yet?

[Auspicious]

Can you reframe your original thought?

Your wife isn't "being" difficult.
Your wife is feeling shame and fear over what happened.

Q1) we have personal spaces and boundaries regarding what we share. Conversations with a T are private. You don't need to JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain) with her over them. You need to believe you have a right to privacy in that.

Q2) you addressed the facts and explained yourself. You didn't validate her feelings. She was telling you she feels vulnerable and worried, feelings you didn't address with your focus on facts. You invalidated her, which escalated the exchange. 

Q3) under NO circumstances should you try to uncover the sources of her problems   You are not her T, you are not skilled in helping people cope with painful memories.

Have you gone through lesson 1 yet?

         

[JimNelson89]

Your wife isn't "being" difficult.
Your wife is feeling shame and fear over what happened.

Have you gone through lesson 1 yet?

UFN -
Do you mean the lessons at the top of the page, just under success stories & who should post on this board?  If so no.  I have gone through some of it. 

Some lessons seem empty and there is just a discussion of the topic.  Some are called workshops.  Does going through lesson 1 mean participating in all the workshops?

[united for now]

The lessons are a gathering of our best workshops and contributions from members over time. They each have a topic to learn from.

lesson 1: understanding your partner's behavior

lesson 2: understanding your role in the relationship

lesson 3: tools for communication, validation, and reinforcement of good behavior

lesson 4: surviving confrotation and disrespect

lesson 5: finding inner strength and hope

lesson 6: when everything else fails

Since you seem to be struggling with understanding some of your gf behavior and "why" she is doing them, I thought it would be helpful for you to go through lesson 1 to get a better grasp on what BPD is and how it manifests itself.

You don't have to answer them, it is strongly suggested that you read them...

[JimNelson89]

UFN

I was just speaking of lesson 1.  Clicking on it and there is a ton of stuff there.
First there is a video - Seen it
BPD 102 -
BPD 200 -
And on and on.  Then inside each of these are further links.  There is just so much to read and she is so paranoid about my telling... I am just not sure how she will react if she learns of this site.

That affords me little time to read the material.

[JimNelson89]

UFN

I am also confused, with what just recently happened.  Ok, my father just stopped by after church to pick up our recyclables (as he often does).

After he loaded them on his truck, he came in briefly to say hi to my wife.  My wife normally is very charming especially with both of my parents.  But not today.  She would not engage in small talk with him, though he tried to engage her.  Then he mentioned, that my brother and sister-law would be coming over for the 4th of July.  Then he mentioned that they might be bringing their grand-daughter over.  This would be my father's great-granddaughter.  Then he mentioned that she knows Spanish (or a few words).  At that my wife then begins to talk with him, but not entirely friendly.  "From whom is she learning this?"  Then she began to talk with him.

There were other questions, but I did not want to stir the pot further.  So I re-directed the conversation and got my Father out of there.

Moments later we were seated in the patio and my wife said, "did you see how I set your father straight?"  I said no.  Then she explained.  She mentioned how in the past, he would compare her son to me, basically hinting that I got into a school and maybe her son was not smart enough, apparently using the words maybe, maybe not.  But I still did not understand the connect with a child learning Spanish (it sounded like my father was boasting which he does often).  I did not want to engage it or drag it out further.  I just wanted to let sleeping dogs lye.

Q: Was I right?

Now maybe she thought he was comparing her to my wife's granddaughter?  Maybe that is the connect that I am missing.

[united for now]

Yes, there is a lot of info there, all targeted to helping you understand the various aspects of BPD. I can understand how it can be hard to find private time to read. It will make this process smoother if you can get a good grasp of the concepts though, other wise you are just putting out fires as they spring up.

Can you keep a book at work and read during your breaks?
Cause we can recommend some books that are great at teaching the basics plus some tools and skills to help change the dynamic.



A pwBPD its like an emotional burn victim. They are sensitive to any possible harm and extremely reactive. Their emotions escalate quickly over what may seem pretty issues to you. They stay upset for a long time, being slow to calm down. They trend to be self centered and have double standards. They have long memories of any wrong done to them but dismiss any wrongs they are accused of doing to others. They don't accept blames or responsibility for their words or actions, unless it its to feel bad about themselves to make others feel sorry for them.

So you wife could have felt slighted for any reason by your father. Have you asked her?

[JimNelson89]

A pwBPD its like an emotional burn victim. They are sensitive to any possible harm and extremely reactive. Their emotions escalate quickly over what may seem pretty issues to you. They stay upset for a long time, being slow to calm down. They trend to be self centered and have double standards. They have long memories of any wrong done to them but dismiss any wrongs they are accused of doing to others. They don't accept blames or responsibility for their words or actions, unless it its to feel bad about themselves to make others feel sorry for them.

So you wife could have felt slighted for any reason by your father. Have you asked her?

UFN - Yes.  Apparently yes.  Right after her son graduated from a junior college(we'll call him Sam).  He was trying to be accepted into a certain university that I attended long ago.  My father made a remark, what we would call a bravado remark, "I don't know if Sam is smart enough to be accepted there."  So now she is starting to paint my father Black.  All black.  I don't know how to handle this situation.  She is full of hate.  She sounds full of hate toward all men, especially this weekend.

[united for now]

You don't "handle it".
Her beliefs are hers.
Her perception is her reality.

No amount of logic or explanations or reasoning will convince her.
To a pwBPD feelings equal facts.
She feels slighted and insulted (not teased) thus your father must have
 insulted or slighted her.

Trying to get her to change her mind won't work. In fact, any form of JADE (justifying, accusing, defending or explaining) makes it all worse.

Let it go.
Let her work out her own feelings.
Stay true to your father and your own reality while giving her tons of empathy and validation.

[Auspicious]

Let it go.
Let her work out her own feelings.
Stay true to your father and your own reality while giving her tons of empathy and validation.

 

You have to "let" her have her own feelings.

She is going to anyway, so hitting that particular brick wall even harder or faster with your fists is not going to hurt the wall ... or if you prefer a different metaphor, ramming your ship into the rocks isn't going to hurt the rocks.

[andywho]

Let it go.
Let her work out her own feelings.
Stay true to your father and your own reality while giving her tons of empathy and validation.

ramming your ship into the rocks isn't going to hurt the rocks.

I need to tell myself this over and over and over again. Im slow!

Andy

[Validation78]

Hey All!
   Allowing time to pass and H mulling over his feelings, without my input via JADE has been one of the hardest things for me to do. I have always thought that resolving issues before going to sleep, work, etc. was the way to be in a relationship. BPD adds a whole new twist! Letting time pass has been a great tool for us. The time between is sometimes difficult for me, but I do a lot of self talk, and am getting more comfortable with it. I even think H is getting more comfortable too. When we had an issue come up the other day, I asked if he wanted to discuss his feelings "in the moment", and he replied with a no, and said that all he needed was a little time, and everything would be fine, and sure enough, it was!

Best Wishes,
Val78