I believe my husband may be to dysregulated to have a relationship

[Think About It...]

After having a violent psychotic break in February and having be hospitalized, he is not in a place where validation, boundaries, and support work. He is continuing to have delusional thoughts and has no insight into the damage that has been done. We have been separated since February.

Basically, he claims that the cat, an animal he adopted and adored for over a year, will give him an eye infection. He has never had health problems related to the cat before, and literally painted he black overnight during that breakdown. He stayed with me a few weeks, and had no problems with the cat..in fact, petting her and feeding. Then, he flips, storms out of the house and does not call for 2 days.

I posit that this has nothing to do with the cat.

He has severe attachment issues, he has trouble communicating with his own family, who is not a bed of roses. Not horrible people, but not validating and pretty critical. He has trouble communicating with his son. He has not seen him in 5 years.

He rages, tries to gaslight, projects, and is terrified of abandonment. He has many good qualities, but frankly, he does not have the skills to be a partner right now. He has been though a lot of trauma, including a murder attempt and a concussion resulting from that, but that was 8 years ago. This is a brilliant man with much to offer the world. We do love each other.

I have firm boundaries. I have validated, listened. But I think he is so deranged from attachment issues and is arrogant, that I am am uncertain that he can come back. He will not seek treatment of any kind.

[Maryiscontrary]

After having a violent psychotic break in February and having be hospitalized, he is not in a place where validation, boundaries, and support work. He is continuing to have delusional thoughts and has no insight into the damage that has been done. We have been separated since February.

Basically, he claims that the cat, an animal he adopted and adored for over a year, will give him an eye infection. He has never had health problems related to the cat before, and literally painted he black overnight during that breakdown. He stayed with me a few weeks, and had no problems with the cat..in fact, petting her and feeding. Then, he flips, storms out of the house and does not call for 2 days.

I posit that this has nothing to do with the cat.

He has severe attachment issues, he has trouble communicating with his own family, who is not a bed of roses. Not horrible people, but not validating and pretty critical. He has trouble communicating with his son. He has not seen him in 5 years.

He rages, tries to gaslight, projects, and is terrified of abandonment. He has many good qualities, but frankly, he does not have the skills to be a partner right now. He has been though a lot of trauma, including a murder attempt and a concussion resulting from that, but that was 8 years ago. This is a brilliant man with much to offer the world. We do love each other.

I have firm boundaries. I have validated, listened. But I think he is so deranged from attachment issues and is arrogant, that I am am uncertain that he can come back. He will not seek treatment of any kind.

[united for now]

What are your plans then?

[Steph]

 That sort of delusion ( the cat) doesnt sound like BPD but other mental illnesses.

 Even so, he isnt getting help and along with UFN, wonder what your plans are?

  Steph

[Maryiscontrary]

I will leave town for a month to visit friends and family for so in a few days. When my lease expires, i will get out of this god awful city. We were planning to move before the psychotic break, but those plans fell through because he got too sick. My family was compassionate and tried to talk to him, but he raged at them in a nonsensical manner as well. His family was not here, but he lied to them, telling them he was victimized and committed involuntarily to the hospital because of the cat. So they do not have the real story, though I think that they have their suspicions.

They wanted to keep him 3 months, but my brother, an attorney, got him out just hours before the hearing. This, I believe, was a mistake, because he has been delusional and unfocused ever since. And periodically dangerous.


 He claims he is getting the a moving truck and moving to be near an estranged brother in Tampa, but he has way too much stuff..hoarding...to fit into even the largest Uhaul truck.
He was never quite this bad before the break. Many redeeming qualities. A principaled man. A tragedy.

He is completely dissociated from his emotions, and flips when I try to ask him how he feels about any upsetting circumstance. I believe that the flip out over the cat was due to a medical bill he got opened a few minutes before.

So he has an upset, but projects it onto something else. So much project will drive any normal person suffering from it crazy. It is tragic, but curious, that an entrenched habit of projecting all emotional upsets will make a person schizophrenic like.

[Steph]

 He sounds like he has schizophrenia or another psychotic disorder. Is he on meds?

Steph

[Maryiscontrary]

Well Steph, there are very strong traits of BPD. He only freaks out with people who are close to him. A casual friend would never know. He is perfectly logical.

There are profound attachment issues...there is no doubt. Absolutely no doubt. He cousin told me years ago about this. There was a lot of severe abuse in his household. He didn't speak to his father for 17 years, but spared no expense for medical care and reunited when he was dying from lung cancer.

There are also asperger traits, as he has trouble communicating effectively with people, and has obsessive interests in boxes, stamps, and engineering tinkering. This is a world class engineer, famous in his field. Like Steve Wozniak.

He could have temporal lobe epilepsy from the concussion...again these symptoms can mimic BPD and schizophrenia.

He has never had issues with schizophenia in the past, running 300 man factory he built himself...this was before we were married. He had excellent executive control at one time.

[Maryiscontrary]

Steph no...he refuses all treatment. He refused meds in the hospital.

[Maryiscontrary]

Also, like many of the descriptions of others, he splits, self harms, pretends nothing is wrong, has begged me not to divorce him, but then tells me it's over, make snide remarks when I self care, like going in a walk in the park. He claims his life sucks so bad, when he is the envy of his friends and family. All of his friends and family are in deep financial straights, and we are not.

He broods that there is nothing to do here, but when i suggest a nice concert or things to do, more often than not he declines. Not normally a liar, he has lied continuously after the break.
He is extremely unfocused.

I believe that the real issue is that he can't dominate me. He says I am domineering, but objectively, this just isn't the case...in fact I realized how much I enabled by bending too much and trying to walk on eggshell from minor meltdowns before.

I think he is angry that I will not be run over.

[united for now]

You are both planning on moving.
Yet you are posting here, on the staying board... ?

Relationships are based on our interactions. When one person changes their response and behaviors it can leave the other feeling insecure and fearful.

does he understand what led to you changing?

[Maryiscontrary]

Thanks for the thoughtful comment. I do care and love him very, very much. I am frightened that he will kill himself. he would be stealth, as he would want to escape police and hospitals at any cost.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, appears to matter to him.


He has threatened to move to NY, Atlanta and Tampa...huge 1000+miles moves, at least 20 times in the last 3 months. You know what, I get tired of the blackmail.

He used to be quirky, occasional meltdowns...but he was a man that loved my family, loved stability, love my reliability. he had a deep appreciation for these things. But the meltdowns got verbally abusive, and they got worse. And finally, dangerous.

United, he acts as though everything is cheap right now. He is acting like a demanding spoiled child...which was far out of character. Totally and completely self centered. This has been going on for 5 months.

No amount of validation, set statements, dearmans, reflective listening, doing nice things,  is really working.

There is something seriously wrong, and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.

And no, I do not believe he understands me changing, at least consciously,

[united for now]

Sorry for all the questions    I'm trying to understand so I can maybe offer more specific advice.


And this was all divulged and evaluated by a specialist?

Did he follow through with getting T after his discharge?

If he still has some of his psychosis going on, then you are right, normal modes of inter action won't work.

LEAP, by Dr Xavier Amador may be worthwhile to look into. Its a way to communicate and build trust with people who are suffering from psychosis.


 
The threats to leave do get old - I know   ;p
They leave you resentful and hopeless.
Keep posting. You aren't alone any more...

[Maryiscontrary]

United, I appreciate you staying with me through this.

No, he has followed through on nothing from the hospital...absolutely nothing. He absolutely thinks nothing is wrong. He absolutely thinks he is the victim. My family and I tried everything. Again, he is able to pass for normal for short periods.

I am the one with the therapist...and he specializes in dysregulation, and he seems to think there is nothing I can do.

Yes, I told everything to the doctors at the hospital when he was admitted. They emulated him and wanted to keep him...I knew noth ing because he banned me from talking with them. But he told my brother, an attorney, about the extended committal court hearing papers he was served, and my brother goes, without my knowledge, and threatens them, so they let him out.

My brother was ignorant, and did not understand the seriousness of the situation. My brother then tried to talk him into seeing somebody outside the hospital, but to no avail.

I have read everything my Xavier Amador, and watched a number of his video lectures.

No, none Amadors validation technique have worked. This is how I learned about validation.

He absolutely does not acknowledge any thing, and thinks he is a victim.

We have an online based supplier business together. I have dialed it down by 70%, and though he has good days, there are others where he make bad screw ups. This business is is related to his engineering expertise, and as I said elsewhere, he is a top expert in the field...and he make sophomoric mistakes.

I told him that as soon as we can get the mistakes attenuated, I will be happy to bring in more business.

He just thinks I am being mean and victimizing him. He thinks I am just being lazy and vindictive, taking away his fun. He does not realize how many client orders he has screwed up and I had to cover for. actually he does, but he doesn't care. He had world class performance before.

My close friends and family, most of whom have had extreme compassion, as they love the guy, think I need to leave the area, at least for a while.

[LoveNotWar]

You say he used to be quirky with occasional meltdowns, sort of an Aspie thing, but recently things have gotten much worse. You talk about a successful engineer having problems with business suddenly.

I hear you describe MANY behaviors that sound like BPD and some behaviors sound like  other mental health issues.

I am wondering if he's had a thorough physical? There are some medical conditions that cause symptoms/behaviors similar to the ones you are describing.

[Maryiscontrary]

His bloodwork is fine.

The family and I tried to talk him into getting looked at by a neurologist.

He absolutely refused.

[Steph]

 When was the concussion?  Certainly, a brain injury can dramatically change a person, or a tumor, dementias,or?

   Is he able totake care of himself, such as feed/clothe, turn on heat, turn on a/c, drive, etc? Basic needs?

    If he wont speak to a physician, perhaps you should. You can ask them the best approaches for him to get help. If he is a danger to himself, that is important as well.

[Maryiscontrary]

The concussion, which was a bullet graze across the right temporal lobe region, was 8 years ago.

He is able to do the basics, kinda. He does not bathe much or practice oral health.

However, with something like rotted, festering teeth that can be smelled 2 feet away, he will not get taken care of. He has glaucoma, with many eye surgeries. He will not go for a periodic checkup to check for pressures and retinal health. He eats tons of junk food. He wears the same dirty...really dirty clothes...not just worn... for weeks.

He has gotten a bunch of traffic tickets recently, and he doesn't give a damn...just ignored them.

He has trouble filing tax reports, almost always screwing up the same quarterly report.

Steph, the laws are very strict with civil rights. I can talk to a medical professional until I am blue in the face, but without clear and present evident danger..right then, right in front of my face, there is nothing I can do.

We do not live together right now, but very concerning behavior, unless it is imminent threat of harm, is not considered in a realm that medical professionals can help out with, unless he wants it.

He is very stealth, and scared shtless of being locked up again. delusions, wearing dirty clothes, disappearing for 2 days, profound lack of insight, and emotional blackmail are not enough to have someone come in and force medical help.

He does not want it.

[Aida]

Mary,

You are in good hands here. Because of the support and guidance I receive here, I have had to look at myself very seriously, and how I have enabled SO to be even more sick. I am working on that now. It doesn't sound like you enable, it sounds like your husband is very sick.

It also sounds like you have read and researched everything under the sun. Have you read any of Amen's work about the brain? He takes brain scans in order to see the damaged parts of the brain. He resides in Newport Beach, Ca. The brain injury your husband had eight years ago might explain his increasing psychosis.

I'll keep a good thought for you.

Aida

[Maryiscontrary]

Thanks much.

As with everything else, my family and I have begged him to get a MRI. I have offered to pay for everything out of my savings. He told me he didn't trust me with picking out a neurologist, so I asked him to pick one out.

He absolutely denied it.

[Maryiscontrary]

The original MRI was in Europe, so it is inaccessible.

[Steph]

 Did all of this start with the brain injury?

He does sound like he has schizophrenia or TBI issues ( Psych nurse here) or schizoaffective disorder, or depression with psychotic features. I have a friend who has a schizophrenia diagnosis and it sounds very very similar. What you describe sounds like a person with the thought disorder like schizophrenia.

 I would suggest you call a local mental health hotline and talk to them and see what they offer. With my friend, they were able to bring a social worker to the home and she was able to establish trust with him and while he had resisted services for ages, it happened under her very skilled abilities. He now is in a safe place and doing pretty well, in fact.  As his wife legally, they will listen. He sounds like a vulnerable adult, and as such, needs protection. Paranoia isnt easy or fun for those around him, and its pure hell for the person going thru it.

  This really sounds like a whole lot more than simply BPD.