The hypocrisy is bothering me

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I know. They can't help it. I feel a lot of forgiveness for that. The hypocisy is bothering me today, though. Why was it alright for her to do something but wrong for me? Why was I supposed to do everything there was to prove myself, that I wouldn't abandon her, but she just left and stays gone? Why was I supposed to answer all of her questions, that very second if possible, and give the 'perfect' answer, but she could cut off all communication and not answer anything she was asked? It's really upsetting. I can't even list it all. It just goes around and around. I understand it's a disorder but on a person to person, friend/lover level, it isn't fair and leaves a lot of frustration.

[myself]

I know. They can't help it. I feel a lot of forgiveness for that. The hypocisy is bothering me today, though. Why was it alright for her to do something but wrong for me? Why was I supposed to do everything there was to prove myself, that I wouldn't abandon her, but she just left and stays gone? Why was I supposed to answer all of her questions, that very second if possible, and give the 'perfect' answer, but she could cut off all communication and not answer anything she was asked? It's really upsetting. I can't even list it all. It just goes around and around. I understand it's a disorder but on a person to person, friend/lover level, it isn't fair and leaves a lot of frustration.

[forgottenarm]

Yes, you're right.  It's absurdly selfish.  And the anger you feel about this is healthy---it's what will carry you out of this toxic situation.  The pain comes from the nagging feeling that this can't be real and somehow these people will eventually acknowledge their transgressions and atone for them.  But it is real.  This is all there is, and they will never acknowledge it because they're disordered.

[Bandita]

Absolutely, 100%, completely there with you, myself. This has been driving me so crazy it's exhausting.

I actually have had the strong suspicion that it was me finally refusing to back down off pointing out my ex's (irrefutable) hypocritical actions that turned out to be a major trigger to his sudden abandonment of me. He didn't want to face the facts that what he was doing was completely contrary to what he preached/imposed on me.

[Robhart]

I. Why was it alright for her to do something but wrong for me? Why was I supposed to do everything there was to prove myself, that I wouldn't abandon her, but she just left and stays gone? Why was I supposed to answer all of her questions, that very second if possible, and give the 'perfect' answer, but she could cut off all communication and not answer anything she was asked?

Having a pd doesn't make her behaviors right.However the fundamental difference is that you have the ability to do "right" things.It's questionable if someone with this disorder can do mostly the "right" things in a r/s over a period of time.

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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[bonnie]

my ex would say that i did the exact same thing.always spoke of being together forever,he was always promising he wouldnt leave me etc etc.so many times post split i would ask him where he was i would ask every question under the sun and he would answer every question happily then when he would ask me i would get so bothered and frustrated and couldnt comprehend how he could possibly even think i had anyone else or was lying to him.the difference i now know is this.his quick willing and always detailed answers were LIES my short quiet stuttering answers were TRUTH.

[HowPredictable]

I know. They can't help it. I feel a lot of forgiveness for that.

The concept of "hypocrisy" requires a comparative evaluation of her conduct, against yours.  E.g. Your Ex had reasonable expectations, that you were able to meet.   However, you had similar reasonable expectations of your Ex, that she failed to deliver on.

But this involves an underlying premise that both of you were on a level-playing field, coming from the same starting position, and playing by the same rules.   Using this metaphor, "hypocrites"  are those who purport to be playing the same game as everyone else (and expect others to follow the established rules)... all the while expecting to be allowed to craft their own special rules to play by, should the need arise.

However, not only do Borderlines make up their own rules, they aren't even playing the same game as the rest of us.  They are playing their own private game, and it's one they couldn't even describe if they tried.  When judging their conduct, just assume they don't speak the same language, that they see colors and hear sounds differently than we do, they don't understand the object of the game, and they have to make up rules as they go along, depending on what their disordered thoughts dictate.  

There's no hypocrisy because there cannot be a direct comparison of her perception of the game and its rules, and yours.

They may as well be from another planet, honestly.  That's why it's good that you have forgiveness for them.

[Gratefully Brian]

It is a very self-centered disorder.

I've been in NC for 4 years and the anger goes away after a while, took me longer than most since I crawled inside a bottle for a year, but it is healthy anger like FA said, I've never been an angry person but dealing with all the contradictions drove me to true anger.

They are trapped in their coping as true reality and they think their reality is normal so they feel justified doing whatever they want and especially if they are angry there is no reasoning with them.

You might be better off start on trying to let it go and start to get some distance in NC, after 4 years in NC the anger is way gone and I'm just glad she is alive and not in my life.

good luck

[myself]

'Hypocrisy' may not be the most accurate term, and I agree with what you write here, HowPredictable. I understand and sympathise with the disordered parts of this. I see how the two people in the relationship come at it from different perspectives. There's still a human part of it that's been hard to wrap my Heart around, and that's what I was letting out some steam about. It's been hard to get to much anger with this, especially since it seems it's something she just can't help since it's an illness. The stuff that gets me closest to it is feeling such frustration with this kind of imbalance between us.

She DID set up the 'rules', expecting me to follow them, but she herself didn't play by her own rules. That's where the hypocrisy was taking place. She'd be saying one thing and doing another. Holding me up to such impossible standards, but she herself didn't live up to it many more times than I didn't. How it's like I get a life sentence for something I didn't even really do, but she's out in the open doing the actual deeds and 'gets away with it'. From the smallest to the largest details. Again, just letting off steam. Fully NC and healing, just working through this stuff like we do here.

I'm usually more of a positive person, and I thought I'd found someone else who was. It's been a real letdown. The negativity of this situation has been really hard to get through. It feels like half of the last few years has been wasted time and full of pain. When I've read other posts where the writer was angry and letting it out, I thought about how maybe some day I'd get to that point too. I'm more frustrated and upset than mad so maybe I'm not there yet, but it's good to get some of this out.

[HowPredictable]

'Hypocrisy' may not be the most accurate term, and I agree with what you write here, HowPredictable.

myself,

Whatever term we want to you, I do get it, and I'm sorry you are struggling. 

It is indeed very unfair that they have double-standards that they inflict, and it's even more unfair that (unless we can see through it) they set us up to make us think that we have to prove our love, that we have to jump through hoops, etc. 

But the moment I realized that it was nothing personal, that there was no way to "win" with the wacky rules I was being given (that kept shifting constantly, by the way)... well, it was one step closer to getting over this mess.

But feel free to vent.   We have all been there too!
Good luck!

[maria1]

I think with my ex the rule setting was almost about the rules that he knew he couldn't follow. He seemed to be testing me constantly. He set the standards knowing he couldn't live up to them and that I could. Until he began to bring other women in ( I don't really know if he was having sex with them, I assume now he was, didn't think so at the time) he would constantly say he was punching above his weight.

The thing is it was never so important to me to absolutely follow rules but I have a very strict moral code. I believe that being human is to be flawed, that we should do our best but we won't always make it, that we will fail at times. It was like he didn't understand that because he didn't have his own moral code, he was trying to hijack one by living mine but obviously moral codes take years of development and are part of normal personality development.

Toward the end he started to attack me for the very things he admired in me. He didn't want to cope that he couldn't have them in himself I think.


Dont know if that makes sense

[maria1]

I mean he couldn't face what he knew was lacking in him- defence mechanism totally. I sometimes think he had no soul. Saddest thing to think but the often talked of feeling empty.

So 'hypocrisy' cannot exist for a BPD because they do not judge themselves. Therefore nobody else can either.

The ability to project their behaviours onto us confuses it all. We get to have all the qualities they wish for and later everything they hate. It's the only way they can cope. My ex actually said at the end: ' I have to make you bad because you're so good. I have to do that. Don't you see?' not hypocrisy just madness!

I too thought I'd found someone as positive as I thought I was. I thought I'd finally found someone who valued the qualities I truly value in myself. Mirrors.

It's so, so hard to get through. Sounds like you are doing well and being very strong. That anger has to resurface every now and again and it's healthy to get it out I reckon.

[helphelp]

I too am so frustrated by the hypocrisy/double standards but have learnt through the years that this is a big part of BPD or Jekyll and Hyde syndrome which I believe my ex partner has.
After 15 years I finally made the decision to separate despite the fact that I still love him. this was 8 weeks ago and since then his family have decided not to speak to me (ordered by him of course).

He is obviously afraid that I will give my side of the story. I have to respect their decision but what is ironic is that he is in contact with my kids who would never dream of rejecting him - because this is the way i have brought them up.

Even though I know it's part of the illness it hurts so much to see him sitting in the sofa with my son, discussing how to renovate the nes apartment. I am hurt by not being able to see his family and at least get some closure with them. I know also that he has painted me black and made up lies about me.

As I say, frustrating, but i can do absolutely nothing about it. Or...?
Grateful for feedback.