Defend Yourself, For Crying Out Loud Or not.

[Think About It...]

Since my DD18 moved away, she_

[BethsMom]

Since my DD18 moved away, she_

[j's friend]

Hi BethsMom Hi!

These days I only defend myself to the people I need to like the police!

dd has previously made 2 false claims of abuse against me and the police were involved. Luckily the claims were found to be untrue and the cases dropped, but I do remember how sick to my stomach I felt to be accused of those things and how it could have impacted on my life. Of course dd has continued to make other claims about me especially to the p and t and anyone else who will listen. I fought hard to defend myself to the p and t, not because I felt I had to, but because they seemed to be looking in the wrong direction  instead of helping dd with her real problems. dd  has also slagged me off of f/b but I didnt react. I dont defend myself to her accquitances, friends or their parents because I dont feel that I have to as I am not accountable to these people.

[vivekananda]

It is exhausting having to deal with what others might think about us, isn't it.

My dd is 31 and it's too late for her to do any real damage in that regard. Of course her boyfriends and friends all think/thought I am the wickedest and cruellest and nastiest of women who ever walked. But yep, that's irrelevant in my life. If she had a T who thought that her claims of abuse were true, I would be worried because she wouldn't have the right treatment then.

So, as already suggested, unless it's really important - let it go.

And yes, it has been so very hurtful and I questioned myself extensively, felt guilty etc etc. But, last time I felt this way, I spoke to a friend about it, who said nope no way you were abusive. Now I quite openly say to people who ask, 'why is dd the eay she is?', I respond, "If you asked her she would say it's my fault and I subjected her to a lifetime of emotional and physical abuse -  and her father stood by and let it happen - and that's just not true"

vivek 

[TexasTexasTexas]

Hi,

This is something we've struggled with for 5 years.  I used to get VERY upset and want to defend myself.  My husbands ex is dBPD and their 12 yr old son is showing the signs; blurred reality, continual lying, no boundary recognition, sexually inappropriate, no self-identity, etc.

The ex writes about us online and it's complete lies. We have hundreds of pages of court cases and mediation paperwork with pics to prove the truth.  But she's the victim and we are awful people who have nothing better to do than intrude on her life. Before I researched BPD, I wanted to "hold her accountable", but I now know that would only get ME more upset.  She writes about things that happened at our house as though they happened at her house, and makes herself into a hero. She COMPLETELY FABRICATES events, purchases, holidays, vacations, etc that have never happened.  All she has to do is get the 12 yr old involved in the story a few times, and presto! Now he's talking about it like it happened, too.

So, yes, it's hard to deal with. 

TTT

[twojaybirds]

I want my energy to go proactively into caring for myself rather than reactively by defending myself.
People who love me and my dd know her story and our struggles.  Those are the only people I care about.

The only exception was when she called the police with DV on me then walked around in a neck brace telling everyone how I had beat her up.   I am a teacher in the same school where she goes.  I got a copy of the police report stating it was all falsified.  My principal clearly said to me, she had no concerns and to ignore any talk; to keep my eyes on my prize.

[Violet719]

For me, it depends.  Sometimes I just get tired of being the villain. And sometimes I need to let DD know that lying about her parents is not OK. If I do stand up to her, I do it more for myself than for anyone else's benefit. If the person who is being lied to knows me, they are already aware that she lies, and I don't have to set them straight.  If it's one of her friends, my comments won't change their mind, although some of them have also caught on to her lying, and I don't need to defend myself to them either.  It's usually someone who might not know and whose opinion might matter at some point - for instance, her boyfriend's mother.  I'm sure they have told her a pack of lies about how I exclude them and "hate" him and won't babysit ever.  I'm the meanest parent in the world.  Do I care if his parents believe that?  Not really. Does it matter?  It could, if they ever break up and fight over custody while she is still living here.  So I make sure to talk to the other grandma occasionally and thank her for her help (she babysits a lot) and let her know how things are going here. I don't ever say, "my daughter and your son lie to you." I just let her know,in the context of a casual conversation, what's really happening.

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[qcarolr]

  So I make sure to talk to the other grandma occasionally and thank her for her help (she babysits a lot) and let her know how things are going here. I don't ever say, "my daughter and your son lie to you." I just let her know,in the context of a casual conversation, what's really happening.

THis works for me too, esp. with neighbors. It is important to help create the 'whole picture'.  DD26 is doing much better right now - maybe due to taking her prozac for anxiety, being monitored for drugs and alcohol on a bond, and maybe we are responding in a better way to her. She has mostly stopped blaming me for her life, at least to my face.  I just am my nice self when around her friends, they figure seem to figure it out.

Hang in there - let go as much as possible. Remember you are a good and loving mom regardless of the stories shared by your child.

qcr

[mymiracles]

I just joined as I have never heard of BPD.My daughter has always had moods,But now its physical and people look at me as
the enemy. I am glad to see I am not crazy.Sometimes, I want to give up too!This time its lasting months.!HOw does this ever
get better? My 2 little grandsons just look at me and want to hug me but are not allowed.My heart is broken.Do you give up?

[Forgetmenot]

Oh it gets crazy quite often.

We are the most nice and calm people on the planet but between my BPD ex and BPD d I have had CPS at my house multiple times "unfounded", had the police at the house multiple times, had my job threatened, been dragged to court,  and so on and so on. 

I agree, only defend to the police or an agency when you are in jeapardy of actual harm.  My family and friends know what kind of person I am so I don't need to explain. 

Recently, just from being on these boards and reading some of the books I have realized that some of the "lies" are actually what my d17 is feeling, not what is real.  So I can be home with her all day but if she "feels" alone then she may tell people that I never spend any time with people.  Once I learned to look at it differently, through her eyes I was able to lighten up a little and understand how these things have come to be said.

Now..my BPD ex...he is just plain MEAN.  There is no excuse for all of the things he does.

And no, you never give up on your children or your grandhchildren.  Sometimes all you can do is make sure that they know you love them.  Keep coming here for support and learn to take good care of yourself.  It makes it easier to understand and to deal with all of the madness.

[heronbird]

Did you ever think that you would be saying that, I only defend myself to people I need to like the Police
Sad, really.

I havent had a lot of negative stuff from dd in the past, but once she said she hated me and her home, yes it did hurt and was worsened by the fact we had never heard of BPD so we didnt understand.

Two years later and 5 books, I understand, I dont take it personally and I expect the worse, that way I dont get disappointed. I  worked it out the other way too, if dd tells me bad things about someone else, I remember she may be just saying that, she may feel that too. Everything is ruled by her emotions on that moment.

If a toddler says to the mum, I hate you, does a normal mum get upset and take it personally? No, not really, they just know they are upset and disregulated . A moment later when they are trouble free, they may say the opposite.
It is just like that with a pwBPD. They are emotionally immature.

[mymiracles]

 ? I think it is so hard to deal with what my daughter is saying to other people.,besides people that know me.
If If am the target, and I move with my husband,does she get better or does she choose another victim.
I don't want to leave my home,nor my grandchildren,but if it helps her,I will

[Forgetmenot]

Heronbird,

I never in a million years would think that I would EVER have police at my door or have this kind of chaos in my life. 
We have come to learn to deal with it, sort of.

My Miracles,

I don't understand what your living arrangement is.  Are you living with your husband?  Your daughter?  It is so very hard when you are the "target".  It must be hard for you husband too.  It is much easier to deal with someone who has BPD if you don't live with them.  You get out of the "moment" and often have more time to respond to issues.  Time to think before you react.  Time to rest between the episodes of chaos.

[heronbird]

I have had a couple of people upset me lately saying that I dont cope very well when there is a crisis with dd. They said I over react and panic, they said I am emotional. I have been watching some stuff on MH on TV lately just thought it may be interesting then when a man on it said he had 3 friends who committed suicide, I have tears in my eyes. So then was told I shouldnt be watching things like that.
I find that more hurtful than dds dysregulated insults as I know she does not mean it.

I think I have handled it amazingly over the last few years, and I also think no one should judge anyone about how they deal with crises.
I think I am just over sensitive because of what I am going through right now.

[vivekananda]

? I think it is so hard to deal with what my daughter is saying to other people.,besides people that know me.
If If am the target, and I move with my husband,does she get better or does she choose another victim.
I don't want to leave my home,nor my grandchildren,but if it helps her,I will

It must be a difficult and confusing situation for you. I know it was that and a lot more for me before I began to understand more about BPD and what it meant for my dd31.

The decisions you make should be first and foremost about your own health and wellbeing. When you say, if it helps her I will leave - that is not necessarliy the answer. Before you make lifechanging decisions you would be better to make them with knowledge. Before I could begin to make the right decisions about my own dd and what I should be doing, I read everything I could on this website, I discussed it throughly with my dh. I read most of one book (Walking on eggshells, Randi Kreger) and then I began to change myself and how I reacted. Before I do any more, I am continuing with my education about BPD. I have the DBT 'lessons' to begin, I am almost through another recommended book (Porr's book - title evades me just now).

mymiracles, my own advice to myself is: 1) to learn as much as I can 2) to practice validation constantly 3) to apply boundaries  appropriately. In there is stuff about learning how to accept and let go of ego and other stuff. So I share my advice now with you too. There is other stuff to take on board but that is to come as I learn more.

On this site you are amongst friends who are there for you. If you use the site as I have done, it will be the most powerful tool for you. My friends here hold me up when I am down, and make things clear for me when I am confused. We can do the same for you.

Leaving your home will solve no problems for your daughter I would expect.

cheers,
vivek