Stop making it worse - with NPD

[Think About It...]

For some moments I am trying now to make things not worse.
I avoid any circular arguments, I try to validate my NPDhs feelings. I try to be less enabling but do my things. At the same time I make from time to time suggestions about things we could do together, without success.

it is different now. Less outbursts. But on the other side, I think he is drinking more. He gives me nearly constant anger or even silent treatment. He is so completly negative. To be honest, it is far easier to be alone than with him.

What I am doing here? Or should I go to the undecidet board? So difficult  ?

[Surnia]

For some moments I am trying now to make things not worse.
I avoid any circular arguments, I try to validate my NPDhs feelings. I try to be less enabling but do my things. At the same time I make from time to time suggestions about things we could do together, without success.

it is different now. Less outbursts. But on the other side, I think he is drinking more. He gives me nearly constant anger or even silent treatment. He is so completly negative. To be honest, it is far easier to be alone than with him.

What I am doing here? Or should I go to the undecidet board? So difficult  ?

[Rose Tiger]

Can you take a break and get away for a bit?  Sometimes living in a war zone keeps us in the fog and it's hard to think straight.  Spending time away and at peace can bring some clarity. 

[yeeter]

Hugs Surnia.   

I find the NPD stuff harder than the BPD side (my uNPD/uBPDw has been described by a T as NPD traits, but BPD traits when under stress)

Have you read any of the material on living with a Narcissist?  (look on Amazon; Loving the Self Absorbed, Disarming the Narcissist, the Wizard of Oz, Freeing yourself from the Narcissist in your Life)

I think the key is to try and understand your partners goals/motivations, and then throw your own in the way towards them getting these needs.  Meaning, asking them to consider your needs and wants doesnt get that far.  But if you can frame your needs/wants in a way that is about them getting what they want, then you have a better success factor. 

Its never about you (by definition for a Narcissist, its ALWAYS about them).

I will be interested in hearing the others thoughts on this - my primary dynamic as well.

[Go Fish]

This is my dynamic too, and same reaction to my changing my ways, practicing BPD tools. My focus is now on maintaining my own health. Breaks are really important, however they happen. The NPD side is scary because they really don't think about you. At the same time, why make a huge effort for someone who barely acknowledges you. I invite him
for a walk or to meet friends but I always have my own plans now, not contrary to his but not dependent on him either.

[Validation78]

 
Hi Surnia!
   Remember, the behaviors come in cycles! This one will pass too! The key is to do something for yourself in the meantime. I like Rose's suggestion of finding peace for yourself right now so you can get some clarity. Get away from the negativity and take care of yourself! You deserve to make yourself important, and to be positive about you and the direction of your life. Let him wallow in his own stuff right now. If he declines the opportunity to be with you, and to feel better, don't let that stop you!

Best Wishes,
Val78

[Surnia]

Thank you all, it means a lot for me, your hugs and your support.

I try to do things at my own as much as possible. Sometimes I ask myself: Why I am married, when I do all alone?

I read "Disarming the narc.". Slowly I begin to understand.

Its never about you (by definition for a Narcissist, its ALWAYS about them).

Yes, this is the hard part. The little moments, when I come home from work. He never, never ask me about my day.

[Pixie-Dust]

Surnia,
   Wow, do I relate to everything you said!   My H is a high functioning BPD with NPD ?.


I also read Disarming the Narcissist and found it enlightening   . The book that I found

 most helpful though, was "Loving the Self-Absorbed: How to Create a More Satisfying

 Relationship with a Narcissistic Partner" by Nina Brown. Highly recommend! It's a big eye-

opener and doesn't sugar coat, so just a warning  .

Anyway, just wanted to say I'm in a similar spot and I have complete empathy for what you're

 going through right now   .

(I'm staying and basically living my own life with a very shallow relationship with H to avoid

getting entangle in his messed up world. I feel sad sometimes because it would be nice to go

 through this life with a loving, authentic partner. He's not capable though, he doesn't seem to

 need love or be able to give it. In fact I was thinking last night how there has never been an

 authentic moment between us for over 20 years! Really sad. I concentrate on non-romantic

things that make me happy and try not to dwell on what I'm missing out on.)

Hugs,
Pixie  

[Rose Tiger]

    Rough stuff yearning for something that isn't going to happen.    Makes me want to say things like 'guess what?  I got fired today!"

Just kidding.

I do things like that when he rambles on and on about himself.  Quietly, like, Honey, I think I might be pregnant.    And then 'just kidding'.

I have a very bizarre sense of humor.  

[Surnia]

To Pixie:

Thank you for the empathy. So good to have this...

Also the recommandations about the book from N. Brown. I was a little bit sceptical about the "How to"-title.

Sometimes I am undecided. Should I read some more books or should I go? Or both?

To Rose:
This is really a very bizarre sense of humour. 
I tend to get sarcastical but this is what I really not want. It would be great to turn sarcasm/ironie in humour.


I noticed something wired:
Every time I open a new thread here bc I am struggling with something about my rs (eg silent treatment), next half day he changes his behaviour. Not for long but little changes. Accident? Or ups if I continue like this, she will go? I do not know.
not so important, just strange.

[Rose Tiger]

I wonder if they can sort of sense us getting a bit frustrated.  I might be feeling like that's it, this is ridiculous, and he'll do something really sweet.  It's like a mini roller coaster.  ;p

[Joseph54]

Hi Surnia,

I know they like to keep us off balance so they are in control. I am trying to regain my life and not let my wifes moods affect me.
I am encouraging more space for me to heal and doing things I enjoy with or without her. I feel I have nothing to lose which makes me stronger and more sure of myself.

Joe

[Surnia]

Hi all of you:

Sometimes I am undecided. Should I read some more books or should I go? Or both?

As for the books here my solution: 2 Books. 
I ordered the one from Nina Brown, thats for understanding more about the world of NPD
And one just for me: Br

[Pixie-Dust]

Surnia,

You're welcome! 

   

Also the recommandations about the book from N. Brown. I was a little bit sceptical about the "How to"-title.

Sometimes I am undecided. Should I read some more books or should I go? Or both?

When you say "should I go?" are you seriously considering leaving him? I don't want to post an answer to this without making sure I understand. 

About the book, the title is a bit deceiving, because can you really have a "loving relationship" with an NPD? (not really) It's really an eyeopener into their world and it advises how to take care of your happiness and not to hope for something that will never be (because they are not capable of it)

I would recommend to read a lot. Knowledge is power! 

The top 2 most self empowering books I've read are this one by Nina Brown and
Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.

I just read somewhere on here that Randi Krieger, author of Walking on Eggshells, recommends a book called "Help! I'm in Love With A Narcissist!" by Julia Sokol. I'm going to order that next!

P.S. Do you think he knows your password and logon to this site?  Or coincidence that his behavior changes with each new thread/post?

Hugs,

Pixie 

[Surnia]

Hi Pixie

Thank you for your answer.  

yes, sometimes I consider leaving. In the same time I fear it. So a decision needs time, inner strengh.
Meanwhile I try my best - but things get worse. What is better: Me, my self-esteem, less perfectionism.

I am waiting for the book.

Do you think he knows your password and logon to this site?  Or coincidence that his behavior changes with each new thread/post?

I think it is more coincidence. He has good antennas.

S.

[yeeter]

yes, sometimes I consider leaving. In the same time I fear it. So a decision needs time, inner strengh.

Meanwhile I try my best - but things get worse. What is better: Me, my self-esteem, less perfectionism.

You are doing well Surnia.  Get yourself healthy.  Strong inner strength. Self esteem and confidence.  From there you can make decisions from a position of strength, instead of despair or fear.

It takes time, but as long as you are going in a positive direction you know you will get there sooner or later.

Let us know your impressions of the Nina brown book.  I found it very helpful, although not for the reasons I had expected ( there is that 'expectations' word again...)

[Auspicious]

Is he diagnosed with NPD?

[Surnia]

Not really diagnosed.
I work with a T and after a while she said to me that he is a narcissist.

[Pixie-Dust]

You are doing well Surnia.  Get yourself healthy.  Strong inner strength. Self esteem and confidence.  From there you can make decisions from a position of strength, instead of despair or fear.

It takes time, but as long as you are going in a positive direction you know you will get there sooner or later.

Well said.!

sometimes I consider leaving. In the same time I fear it.

-I know exactly what you mean.

Hugs, 
Pixie 

[Surnia]

As said some days before, I ordered the book from Nina Brown. It arrived today. I like it!

And a little funny story: Today I did lot of work to new arrange my balcony. I buyed a new canvas chair sitting there more comfortably, reading, writing. I installed the chair, came back with the new book: they have both the same colours! 

S.

[Dynamic]

Hi Surnia,
Enjoy the chair, balcony & the book. Small things like these takes away stress. Hope you find more simple pleasures like these to lighten the pressure.

Take care. 

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