Bad Dreams and a dead dog

[Think About It...]

Trying to be mature this morning so I am venting this here first instead of in  an email directly to my uBPD stbx wife. She is killing me this morning and from six thousand miles away.

I loved this woman and spent ten years with her (no kids tg) helping her and her family and always trying to do right by her. And granted, I did leave her over a year ago, but then she up and left last summer, while we were separated, took all three dogs, turned the joint bank account upside down, borrowed money from her 401k, and went back to home with no intention of returning.

This woman should be a case study on a high-functioning BPD imo. She abused me for years mentally mostly and in the end physically as well.

The last time we spoke was in August when she called me in a panic about how bad she "needed me" and that she couldn't imagine "ever loving anyone else" and how she wanted to come back and live with me. This after I spent years being able to financially separate myself from her to the point that I could leave in secret (the only safe way), and after only a few months of separation and peace she wanted to return to be solely dependent on me.  I was on this site a lot then and was strong and told her that there was no way she was coming back to live with me, but I then even offered to send her a damn ticket so she could come back and live with friends or whomever, just not me. She was "devastated" by my sudden back-bone and refusal, but said she understood and to contact her if I needed anything like password, etc.

So, long story longer, I haven't heard from hear since August, until a few weeks ago when I emailed her to ask for her "current status" this is when my relapse and severe depression began. I admit it.  She replied like a different person, so cold and detached. That she met someone and that she now had a new "reason to live". (how twisted is that ?) that she needed me to sign a form so she could divorce me in her country and I'm assuming remarry new bf, that "god exists" and that she is "sure" I will find that "someone special soon".

I was in NC mode and doing so well up until reading this from her. I was wanting a recycle bad and was met with a coldness that I have never seen from her. After this I ask her if "she is really sure" about wanting a divorce" and I even ask her if she wants me to bring her back so we could "try again" (my words to her) in my new city, that I relocated to four months ago, primarily in an effort to forget HER.

So she waits a few days to respond and then very curtly emails back that she will not ever be returning, wants a divorce, and oh by the way the dog I loved so much that we adopted together and that I painfully left with her so she would have an easier time... well he died four months ago. Oh and she may need me to send a notarized form. 

I loved this dog and she has to know that. She would often triangulate and talk to the dogs about how I "didn't love them" and wouldn't even "care for them" if it "weren't for her", but seriously. WHAT KIND OF A PERSON doesn't send a short email letting someone know that there beloved pet has passed. She is a monster in my mind right now and I so want to email her and tell her. To tell her how much that hurt me and that the reason for her troubles is not anything on the outside or anything I did, but her raging undiagnosed BPD. I want to tell her so bad. And why shouldn't I . I have nightmares about my dead dog and am overwhelmed by her absolute disregard for my feelings. I know I hurt her, but I never did anything like this on purpose. I had to leave and did so in the most responsible way I could manage at the time. Why would she hurt me this way? Should I tell her off? Do I have that right? Or am I supposed to maintain maturity and just suffer in silence? I am so done with her. The one good thing about her doing this is, it has woken me out of my recent romantinization of our time together, I am thinking with my brain again (mostly), and I am so glad to not be living with her any longer and in a daily rs. What the hell was I thinking wanting her back so badly recently, and after so much time?

[rotgut]

Trying to be mature this morning so I am venting this here first instead of in  an email directly to my uBPD stbx wife. She is killing me this morning and from six thousand miles away.

I loved this woman and spent ten years with her (no kids tg) helping her and her family and always trying to do right by her. And granted, I did leave her over a year ago, but then she up and left last summer, while we were separated, took all three dogs, turned the joint bank account upside down, borrowed money from her 401k, and went back to home with no intention of returning.

This woman should be a case study on a high-functioning BPD imo. She abused me for years mentally mostly and in the end physically as well.

The last time we spoke was in August when she called me in a panic about how bad she "needed me" and that she couldn't imagine "ever loving anyone else" and how she wanted to come back and live with me. This after I spent years being able to financially separate myself from her to the point that I could leave in secret (the only safe way), and after only a few months of separation and peace she wanted to return to be solely dependent on me.  I was on this site a lot then and was strong and told her that there was no way she was coming back to live with me, but I then even offered to send her a damn ticket so she could come back and live with friends or whomever, just not me. She was "devastated" by my sudden back-bone and refusal, but said she understood and to contact her if I needed anything like password, etc.

So, long story longer, I haven't heard from hear since August, until a few weeks ago when I emailed her to ask for her "current status" this is when my relapse and severe depression began. I admit it.  She replied like a different person, so cold and detached. That she met someone and that she now had a new "reason to live". (how twisted is that ?) that she needed me to sign a form so she could divorce me in her country and I'm assuming remarry new bf, that "god exists" and that she is "sure" I will find that "someone special soon".

I was in NC mode and doing so well up until reading this from her. I was wanting a recycle bad and was met with a coldness that I have never seen from her. After this I ask her if "she is really sure" about wanting a divorce" and I even ask her if she wants me to bring her back so we could "try again" (my words to her) in my new city, that I relocated to four months ago, primarily in an effort to forget HER.

So she waits a few days to respond and then very curtly emails back that she will not ever be returning, wants a divorce, and oh by the way the dog I loved so much that we adopted together and that I painfully left with her so she would have an easier time... well he died four months ago. Oh and she may need me to send a notarized form. 

I loved this dog and she has to know that. She would often triangulate and talk to the dogs about how I "didn't love them" and wouldn't even "care for them" if it "weren't for her", but seriously. WHAT KIND OF A PERSON doesn't send a short email letting someone know that there beloved pet has passed. She is a monster in my mind right now and I so want to email her and tell her. To tell her how much that hurt me and that the reason for her troubles is not anything on the outside or anything I did, but her raging undiagnosed BPD. I want to tell her so bad. And why shouldn't I . I have nightmares about my dead dog and am overwhelmed by her absolute disregard for my feelings. I know I hurt her, but I never did anything like this on purpose. I had to leave and did so in the most responsible way I could manage at the time. Why would she hurt me this way? Should I tell her off? Do I have that right? Or am I supposed to maintain maturity and just suffer in silence? I am so done with her. The one good thing about her doing this is, it has woken me out of my recent romantinization of our time together, I am thinking with my brain again (mostly), and I am so glad to not be living with her any longer and in a daily rs. What the hell was I thinking wanting her back so badly recently, and after so much time?

[rotgut]

I want to email her right now so badly and tell her that she has BPD. That this is her problem and has been the entire time. Not her family, not me, not hard core pms, not bi-polar, etc. etc.,, and that when the honeymoon phase is over with her new man, and all the old problems resurface, to look into BPD, bc that is her issue.

A part of me is dying to email her this bc of the pain she has put me in about my dog, but should I?

How can I not say anything to her about not telling about my dog dying until FOUR MONTHS after the fact?

[Slowlybutsurely]

I am SO sorry about your dog.     That is so sad...

Honestly, though, please don't contact her ever again for any reason whatsoever. It won't accomplish anything but what it did this time: more pain, even worse than before.

Telling her she has BPD (and I am assuming you don't have the actual qualifications to make this assessment) won't do anything at all. She'll laugh at you, rage a bit, tell you that you have it, and then you'll hang up, and that will be that.

Just use your anger to resolve never to have any contact with her again. Period.

 

[rotgut]

SBS, Thank you for the kind words. He was a great dog. We adopted him together, saw him through heart worm treatment together, and it was so hard for me to leave him with her. I understand we were NC since August, but for her not to tell me about him dying is so hard for me to accept and to let pass.

I spent years trying to "figure out" what her major malfunction was. We went to different doctors together. Wanted sooo bad for hers to be a thyroid problem, or anything that could be treated. We crossed off half a dozen things bf I got completely fed up from her abuse and left. I feel like a ~ in a way for not telling her. Her favorite diagnosis was always me of course.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[copingwithhim]

RotGut,

Reading your posts reminds me of my pain too.  I am so sorry you are going through this and understand how much you want to tell her what's on your mind.

My stbx uBPDh left me with all our animals (four chickens, two rabbits and two cats).  Hasn't helped with ANYTHING, including visits to the vet for my sick rabbit.  I've had the rabbit about seven years, and he passed away this past Thursday, finally succumbing to his illness.  

I too want to write him a note and tell him that he is a BPD monster.  But, he doesn't give a damn about anyone, or anything but himself.

I have found support from my family, friends, therapist and this site.  I go to bed reading posts before going to sleep; it gives me hope for my future and keeps me me on my path.  I have been NC for seven weeks ever since he informed me that he filed for divorce.  I responded by telling him, "I feel so sorry for you.  You can't jump from woman to woman and place to place and believe it will resolve any of your problems.  I want nothing more to do with you.  I have tried my very best to support our relationship, but I don't want to see or speak to you ever again."  And I've stayed true to that.

As our divorce nears completion, I may write to him, but I don't believe it will change anything.

Write your letter, hold onto for a few days, and then decide.  But think about what will happen once it is sent.  How will you feel; how will you react if she responds negatively, or if it just enters a black hole and nothing comes back?  Will any of the options MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?  You are kind and loving...she is not.

Keep posting, we are here and listening.  We are a collective body of empathetic souls.

Coping With(out) Him

[suzn]

rotgut I'm so sorry about your loss.  

Dogs are such wonderful companions. You are grieving this loss and it is perfectly normal to be angry. Anger is a mask for pain and you have expressed alot of reason for pain here. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of your companion and the loss of your ex.

Contacting her would only add to this pain, it is uncertain what she may say or not say. Write the letter, get all your feelings down on paper but don't send it. This will help you cry and feel all those feelings fully all the way through to the other side of this grief. Give yourself time, kindness and understanding. This is an important part of taking care of you.  

[rotgut]

Thank you all for the kind words and support. I would be so screwed without this board and the knowledge of her condition.

I was so upset at the news of my pets passing and the way it was delivered that I wrote out multiple emails and did not send them. What I did email back was "that is very upsetting news about my dog". I then thanked her in the next line for some tax advice she gave me, that I would be glad to sign any divorce document needed, and then wished her success in her new life.

She then emails me back and says all of a sudden that I am a "good person" and that she still has "very warm feelings for me", but that she will also be needing the divorce document sometime in the future, and that she just know I will find someone special soon and that she will be "praying" for me. Praying for me? the last I checked she was agnostic and literally made fun of me for being a non church going Christian. New guy she is mirroring must be a zealot...

All of this BPD nonsense makes me question everything and everyone. It truly is like finding out your wife and most trusted friend is really KGB and has no feelings for you whatsoever.

I don't plan on contacting her again. I'm assuming she thought I would rage with anger at her about not telling me about our dog, but I didn't.

This is the hardest/worst thing that has ever happened to me, barre none.  It is time for me to move on now. She is not the person I fantasize about. The mirroring stage was just that. It is so hard for me not to love her and want to protect her, but self-preservation is a very strong instinct. It got me out of a very toxic and abusive situation over a hear ago, why I went back sniffing around courting danger again is beyond me.

I have this idea in my head of her in our honeymoon phase and I am stuck there. This is the person I am waiting for and not dating for and being lonely for a year for, but this person doesn't exist any longer, and she really never did. What a mind F$#K. I really need to move on now from her and her craziness. No other woman has made me feel so irrationally guilty and worthless about myself.

[Slowlybutsurely]

"No other woman has made me feel so irrationally guilty and worthless about myself."

Uh, yeah...

I think that each and every one of us is right there with you on that one.

No other person I've been with had the capacity to do this, because they were normal. Only someone massively disordered can mess with our heads and hearts they way they do/did.

Hence, this board.    And all of our poor agonizing hearts. We all say the same thing, ultimately.

So, yeah, welcome to the Club! We have many distinguished members!