Can we ever make it work with the kids?

[Think About It...]

As I write this, my dBPDh is out with my 13yo son. H went to pick him up after H & I had "words". My H is very dysregulated right now. I know he is with my son & filling his head with false ideas about me. Really hurts & I wonder how to prepare for the fallout?

[onAmission]

As I write this, my dBPDh is out with my 13yo son. H went to pick him up after H & I had "words". My H is very dysregulated right now. I know he is with my son & filling his head with false ideas about me. Really hurts & I wonder how to prepare for the fallout?

[waverider]

Does your son know all about BPD and how H's behavior is dictated by this?  If not you should get him up to speed, apart from clearing up a lot of confusion he already has he will see H's behavior for what it is and not take anything he says against you as fact. Your son knows you, and knows what is plausible and what is not.

Dont get your son in the middle of a he says/ she says argument and being put on the spot to decide who to believe. Odds are he simply cant be bothered with it and prefers to take a "whatever" approach and go do his own thing, and leave you two to it.

[waverider]

useful article

http://BPDfamily.com/pdfs/anger_blame.pdf

[united for now]

Fallout regarding who? Your son or your H?

How do these sort of situations typically play out?

[Wanda]

The answer is yes>>
 i always explained to the kids when they were little my husband has a condition due to his drinking days he acts the way he does due to his drinking to much,  even though he was sober.i said that for years, and so when he was disregulated around me or the kids they understood why he acted the way he did.
 one child found out about BPD by accidently finding my book and reading it, now there was a name to his condition and it made her understand more.  my kids love my husband but understands he has this condition due to his drinking to much only one knows about BPD.

[onAmission]

When I had to take our 4 kids and leave a few years ago, I explained to the older 3 that Dad has a condition, etc. That seemed to work for them & I helped them through "episodes" with him, especially my oldest.

After being back with him for 4 years, I realize that when we came back, he made it his mission to work at making him "nice Daddy", and me "mean Mommy". It was not too much of an issue until the past couple of years because they could usually see through him.

However, he has recently stepped it up a notch using my perimenopause symptoms against me. He has been trying to convince the kids that I am the one with "mental" problems, that I do not care about them, that I am a selfish, lazy slob who contributes nothing of worth to our family. Even going so far as telling me (in front of our 3 teens) that the reason they do not do their assigned chores is because they see me do nothing. Thereby negating my authority as a mother. Ever since then, I feel like they think they don't have to do chores & if I fuss at them, their Dad's comment has now given them permission to disrespect me by either halfway doing the chore, or I feel they are thinking, "Dad's right, Mom's a lazy slob."  I can't tell you how hurtful that is.

Don't get me wrong, my kids really are good kids. H & I have done at least something right because they are kind, caring & polite... all 4 of them. I have homeschooled all of them from day one & the eldest just graduated. But now they are teens. Take 3 teens & a Mom in early perimenopause with raging hormones making her moody & dog tired ALL the time, & there is going to be friction. Then toss in dBPDh. Instead of supporting me & backing me up with the kids, H is capitalizing on the situation & is coming out smelling like a rose with them & anyone else who will listen.

I know he is talking about me to them. He resents that I had to explain his BPD to the kids & others & he is working very hard to "pay me back" by making it look as though I have the "problem." I eel sure that he said some negative stuff to my S14 about me making the argument all my fault. My S does not like to talk about these issues. It bothers him deeply & he just shuts down.

[united for now]

Ok.
So your view  is:
~ he is not supporting you with your health issues
~ he is actively working to undermine you with your children

You've tried discussing this with him to no avail.

What are your options?

1) change your situation
2) change how you feel about it
3) solve your problem
4) ignore your problem

Can you come up with other alternatives?

[Steph]

 Please DO talk to your doc about perimenopause and your symptoms.

While fatigue, moods, etc, can be part of it, it doesnt have to be incapacitating.

There are holistic/natural methods that work quite well, and a ton of support both in real life and online.

  Ive made it thru and for me, I utilized some natural methods to cope and my severe symptoms were truly managable. Others use hormones, etc...but there is no need to be incapacitated by this stage of your life. No need to be miserable because of the hormonal fluctuations that occur as a natural part of life as a woman...there is lots of help.

  I am wondering, also, if depression isnt a factor? Have you talked with your doc? It has the same symptoms as you are talking about.
Its also pretty easily treated!


Steph

[onAmission]

Ok.
So your view  is:
~ he is not supporting you with your health issues
~ he is actively working to undermine you with your children

You've tried discussing this with him to no avail.

What are your options?

1) change your situation
2) change how you feel about it
3) solve your problem
4) ignore your problem

Can you come up with other alternatives?

I just feel confused.

[onAmission]

Please DO talk to your doc about perimenopause and your symptoms.

While fatigue, moods, etc, can be part of it, it doesnt have to be incapacitating.

There are holistic/natural methods that work quite well, and a ton of support both in real life and online.

  Ive made it thru and for me, I utilized some natural methods to cope and my severe symptoms were truly managable. Others use hormones, etc...but there is no need to be incapacitated by this stage of your life. No need to be miserable because of the hormonal fluctuations that occur as a natural part of life as a woman...there is lots of help.

  I am wondering, also, if depression isnt a factor? Have you talked with your doc? It has the same symptoms as you are talking about.
Its also pretty easily treated!


Steph

Steph, After learning that I am in Perimenopause & also learning that my H will offer no support to me on this,  My GYN called me back in for another test. She suspected ovarian cancer from the many symptoms I have been having. After a week of waiting on results, there is "something" there, but it could be cancer, or it could be a cyst that will eventually rupture & go away.  ? My H cared about the seriousness it feels to me for about 5 mins 

Yes, I have been depressed. I found a particular statement by my GYN to be interesting when she learned of my relationship & how my H denies having BPD. She said "It's amazing how many women are on medication because the men in their lives refuse to get help" I have (severe) physical nerve damage for which I have had to take meds. Over the past 2 weeks, my stomach problems have prevented me from taking most of my regular meds.

[united for now]

Ok, confused is an answer 

You have a lot going on in your life, fears about your health probably being #1.

I'm also perimenupausal (sorry guys if this veers into female issues  ). Getting myself steady and solid took me some time after I got really really sick last winter. I was having panic attacks, I was anemic and my vitamin D levels were way way low, causing my mind to be in this constant foggy state. I was scared and I was very emotional, crying when people said "how are you" to me.

My life was headed for a crash if I didn't do something.
So I did. I began to become a little selfish.
My health was the most important thing, so I read as much as I could on how to overcome this through natural means. I reached out to others who were also suffering to build support networks. I started to eliminate things from my diet and add things to my daily routine. I let my house get messy (a few dust bunnies and oven crud never killed anyone) and I stopped trying to meet everyone else's needs. It took me months to turn myself back around and I still have days where I feel "slightly unhinged".

The important thing is to get the focus off of him and his feelings and his thoughts and his selfishness and onto "you" and "your needs" and "your thoughts". curl up into a ball and build some high walls around yourself for a bit. The world won't end... the kids will adapt. Your H will adapt. Your health is number one. This is your time to put on your own oxygen mask and to forget about everyone else...

I know how much it hurts to have your pain dismissed and ignored.
I know how hard it is to be criticized cause the knobs on the stove are dirty and you are feeding them mac and cheese again. This is where you drive to live kicks into high gear and you agree with them. Yeah, the stove "is" dirty - and maybe you'll get to it when your feeling better. In the mean time if it bugs them that much then "they" can do some thing about it.

Do you feel that power to survive inside of you?
Do you feel that strength to change your focus?
Can you look inside of yourself to remember what it means to take care of yourself?

[onAmission]

Thanks UFN. That does make sense to me.

I think that over the past year I have been letting lots of things in the house go because I have been so tired. The thing is, H tears me down over it & I have LET him so I feel guilty.

Reading your post reminds me that I DO have a right to take care of me & I do not have to feel guilty about it. To say that is one thing, to practice it is another but I do want to!

[Steph]

On July 9th, you posted that you may have ovarian cancer.

What steps are being taken at this point?


Steph

[onAmission]

Hi Steph,
I have been out of town on the "In-Law" trip I posted about in another thread.

My Gyn saw something that made her think I may have a cyst. I am to have more bloodwork in 2-3 weeks to re-check my red blood cells, etc. I am to keep up with symptoms until that visit. She thinks if it is a cyst, it may rupture on its own. Will do another pelvic & see if there are changes.  ?

I am very depressed today. Tired from the trip... frustrated that H could act so normal around his family & immediately flip a switch towards me the day we left. Also, his "gas lighting" me with our children has become worse. Because I am so tired, he tells tries to convince them that I am just a lazy slob & he gets them alone and asks them questions about what I do when he is not home.

H has NO compassion over my health & tries to find a way to make any health problem my fault. I am just fighting back the tears all day trying to hold it together in front of the kids. I feel like I have busted my butt dealing with H & I have been a devoted Mother & now, I feel my family has turned on me. I have one friend who will listen to me but recently, she seems distant too - probably just busy - but I just feel alone still.

Very hard day! 

[NeedHelpGR]

onAdmission

You need a hug to help get you through the day!     

[Dynamic]

onAmission,
I can understand when you feel like the whole world is coming down on you. It is terrible for a non to have his/her own health problems while having to deal with pwBPD everyday. Even a healthy person would feel exhausted after a trip. Don't lost heart, honey. All is not lost.     

My suggestions:
-Tackle your health issue like UFN. I am sure there will be some progress when necessary action is taken.
-Continue with your meds & follow Dr's directions.
-Don't worry about what your h thinks/says/does. Just focus on yourself, get better before you tackle your h & r/s problems.
-Whether you are sick or not, there is nothing wrong in delegating jobs to the kids, depending on their age so that they learn to be responsible.
-You can go online to look for easy recipes that are healthy & quick to make.  

When I had a bad back, it would feel like I could never get out of bed in the morning. But once I got out of bed & my body adjusted to the standing position after a while, I felt better. After moving around the house with caution & sitting down in a straight back chair for a coffee, I felt even more better. The point is I thought my condition was so worse & thought that I would be better off staying in bed. But actually getting off the bed, moving about, standing & sitting improved my pain, discomfort & above all my mood.  

I understand that your condition is different from mine, maybe even severe. Try to muster your will power & get to work. Why not tackle one dirty stove knob a day for a start? You may be even surprised with the strength you have.     

After 25+ years of struggle with my uBPDh, I was not on top of things with the house. With my self-discovery journey, I have started tackling the neglected areas in the house. Never mind my h blaming me for not keeping the house clean, I felt guilty of that fact myself. Further, since I could not put that fact behind, I put off starting new things. A house which is clean & devoid of clutter definitely works wonders for everyone. If you feel like cleaning the accumulated mess is too much, get a maid to clean & later on work on maintenance yourself (one job a day) & with the help of kids.

Hope this does not sound harsh but if you could do go on a trip with your condition, I am sure you can take care of the house too. Maybe not right away but eventually after getting over exhaustion from the trip. Give it a thought & see whether you can give a it a try.

Take care.     

[Steph]

 It sounds like your gyn does not think its ovarian cancer, otherwise there would be a more aggressive approach taken. This is a GOOD thing!

  Now, your fatigue could be depression. Are you open to taking antidepressants to help this?

Also, depression is wonderfully treated with CBT and there are some wonderful books around it.

Menopausal fatigue is also treatable with a variety of suppliments or meds, etc. Have you checked on anything like that?


Steph

[desperate dutchman]

OnAmission I just wanted to weigh in on the gas lighting the kids   I have 2d one 17and one 19  they have seen most of what goes on when mom meltsdown. My oldest and I have talked about BPD and I have talked  non specifically with the 17 yr old   I believe one thing that helped was just talking about it in little bits nd pieces w d17 because she shuts down if it goes on too long but my honestly discussing it like an adult with her allows her to see how adults should handle problems. Same with d19 except I have told her about this website and suggested that she read growing up w parent has BPD and to do so with grain of salt as the tone on that board can be less than radical acceptance. (Alot of name calling ie momster) I have also asked her to look seriously at whether each issue she has with her mom is typical vs atypical mother daughter interaction. Ie upset about curfew still imposed at her age vs moms unrealistic demands and micromanaging   I believe that the kids can see through BS.

Can't help you on the menopause issue directly  will relate that I am very up front withy kids about my ADHD I address it with humor. Your kids probably know the generality of menopause what would happen if you had a frank discussion with them ?

[united for now]

I too hear the undertones of depression.
Resignation
Hopelessness
Feeling powerless
Feeling attacked
Feeling alone

Those are all symptoms of depression.
Finding the strength to address those feelings/issues has to come from "you"
I know its hard.
Nothing is gonna change without changes though 

[onAmission]

Yes, even my Gyn had said I seemed depressed. I know I have been. I actually have been on two meds for nerve damage in an arm that are also used to treat depression. However, I have been on them a long time & she thinks I need to either change the med or tweak the dosage. I have an appointment to work on that.

I have NO problem taking meds for it. My Gyn said that it is amazing to her how many women have to be on meds because their husbands refuse to get treatment (I know that could vice versa as well).

One problem is that I possibly have gall stones which often cause me to upchoke after meals & after taking meds. I am working on that issue. Having mrds messed up does not help my mood swings  ;p