Did you ever think you were going to die?

[Think About It...]

Obviously this topic could be triggering.

When I was 15, my BPDm was in a rage, and we were in another state, far from my dad who was my only hope of calming her down. She drove so recklessly she nearly drove into oncoming traffic. I was screaming at her to pull over, but as we drove under an overpass, she nearly swerved over the double yellow line on a turn right into cars going freeway speeds. Her mouth was yelling, her eyes were blazing red, and she slapped my arm to get me to shut up. I didn't until she finally pulled to a stop. Of course, she says I was yelling first, and that she was trying to pull over anyway, but I have my old journals from that year that prove to me I'm right. Another time, she nearly drove into a light pole. And when I was 14, and she was suicidal, I had to go over to her place and hide all the knives. My mind was seriously going through knife self defense and what I would do if she tried to kill me.

I know there have been other times where I thought I might die because of her but that's all that comes to mind for now. It's a start. Did you ever think you were going to die because of your pwBPD?

[ScarletOlive]

Obviously this topic could be triggering.

When I was 15, my BPDm was in a rage, and we were in another state, far from my dad who was my only hope of calming her down. She drove so recklessly she nearly drove into oncoming traffic. I was screaming at her to pull over, but as we drove under an overpass, she nearly swerved over the double yellow line on a turn right into cars going freeway speeds. Her mouth was yelling, her eyes were blazing red, and she slapped my arm to get me to shut up. I didn't until she finally pulled to a stop. Of course, she says I was yelling first, and that she was trying to pull over anyway, but I have my old journals from that year that prove to me I'm right. Another time, she nearly drove into a light pole. And when I was 14, and she was suicidal, I had to go over to her place and hide all the knives. My mind was seriously going through knife self defense and what I would do if she tried to kill me.

I know there have been other times where I thought I might die because of her but that's all that comes to mind for now. It's a start. Did you ever think you were going to die because of your pwBPD?

[struggling2escape]

not from my upd grandparents, themselves, but from my violently abusive biological mother (their daughter)- endangerment in a speeding car while she was crazy & most likely high...much like what the op describes.

[GeekyGirl]

Not literally, but I thought that I would be nothing without my parents' love and affection, which I'm learning now as an adult is not the case.

My mother isn't as aggressive as your moms behind the wheel or physically, but she's emotionally very abusive and manipulative and can make you feel like you'll cease to exist if you displease her.

[Sasha026]

I'm surprised that you haven't had more answers to this thread because it is so BPD. "Driving while Borderline" was one of mine! This topic has come up in the past here and is very common for these women to get dangerous, rant, rave, speed and threaten their children while driving. Usually, there is no one to stop them and they end up terrify their children. Either that or it is a great place to criticize - there's no escape - so you have to listen to her.

One thing about BPD behavior - it is done behind closed doors so no one sees or witnesses the abuse. Where can one have total privacy? The car. When I was a child, my mother did the same thing. I don't know how many times I heard the threat, "I'll drive this car into on coming traffic!" or "I'll drive this care over a cliff!" (which was pretty hard to do in the city where I lived  ), but I was terrified. I would sit, facing the door while she threw terrible slurs at me, making me feel less than human. It was humiliating and frightening - just the response she wanted. Later on when I learned how to drive, I was a nervous wreck - but I drove and she sat in the back where I could keep an eye on her. Naturally, she could never find her seat belt.

Borderlines threatening their children is common in that it makes the child malleable and obedient. You felt as though your life was in danger, so you reacted to her melodrama the way she wanted. She got her desired response.

[doubleAries]

yeah.
In a more direct way. My mom threatened me with a butcher knife once--inches from my face, with the rage eyes, lips trembling from fury, knuckles white on the knife handle. Because I "talked back" to her (she was telling me what a useless slug I was and how I was going to grow up to be a trailer trash with a bunch of kids with different fathers and on welfare before I was even 25--in a tone of voice implying it was FACT, not her opinion--and I had the temerity to reply "yeah--you'll make sure of that, won't you?")

Another time, I came home from school and went in my room to put down my books and stuff and there was a butcher knife sticking straight up out of my pillow. it was bone chilling. took me several minutes to decide whether my mom did that or my psychotic brother (who was later diagnosed Anti-Social PD). Still not entirely sure, but i think it was my brother. My mom was never that "subtle".

Lots of times, my mom would say "I should kill you" and she really seemed like she meant it--not just saying it out of anger.

[pinkeagle]

One thing about BPD behavior - it is done behind closed doors so no one sees or witnesses the abuse. Where can one have total privacy? The car.

That is such an interesting point. M didn't drive for most of the time I was growing up, so I was never placed in a physically dangerous situation. However on numerous occasions the car would be the place where I was verbally abused the most, probably because there was no escape. We also spent a lot of time in the car, because M would insist on weekends being 'family' time and for some reason we went on drives a lot. I had my first massive dissociative episode in a car when I was being harangued and yelled at by M about something or the other. I hate being close to her physically in a small space now.

[ScarletOlive]

struggling2escape, I'm sorry. It's so scary to be stuck in a car with a dangerous driver. Sometimes I look back and think, how the hell do I still live with and love this woman who has nearly gotten me killed? And how have I ever forgotten this? Necessity, I suppose.

Geekygirl and pinkeagle, I feel for you both. The verbal and emotional abuse, the engulfment, the lack of identity outside of the pwBPD, they are so encompassing and invasive into the brain. I'm only beginning to scratch the surface digging into how these have affected me.

doubleAries, wow. That is absolutely horrendous. I'm stunned that anyone could threaten a child, let alone sling so much mud at a kid over so little. Big hugs to you.

One thing about BPD behavior - it is done behind closed doors so no one sees or witnesses the abuse. Where can one have total privacy? The car.

Wow. This is so insightful. I'm noticing that the times where I'm most stuck under her thumb are when she has orchestrated long road trips in the car. I have to listen to her gossip, her rants, her crying, everything, and she has to win because she can play the "mom" card and enDad will agree. This is why I'm setting it up to never take a long trip with her again. 

[struggling2escape]

struggling2escape, I'm sorry. It's so scary to be stuck in a car with a dangerous driver. Sometimes I look back and think, how the hell do I still live with and love this woman who has nearly gotten me killed? And how have I ever forgotten this? Necessity, I suppose.

Hey butterfly, nice to meet you! No worries over ^^^ anymore; this happened to me back in 1989- have had plenty of time to get through it.

Still living with her parents (maternal g'parents) today at 33 is my main hardship (they are psychologically/financially abusive & very PD, themselves)...constant extreme stress on top of $$ & medical probs, plus loneliness. That's the stuff that I just can't take anymore.

[Gerda]

Driving while BPD. Oh, I can relate to that!

Since my mom went through her divorce, I'm afraid to have her drive me anywhere anymore. We came really close to having a wreck one time, and she didn't seem to care. When I was a little kid I always felt safe with her driving, but lately... it's like she just doesn't care anymore.

I mean, I know she doesn't care if she lives or dies anymore, but what really scares me is that my sister and I were in the car with her! That means she doesn't care anymore if WE live or die either, jeez! And she used to be so OVERPROTECTIVE of us.

[Peridot]

BecomingButterfly, that's pretty daunting stuff! I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. Terrifying.

At first I thought, "no, pd-m never did that sort of thing." I guess I was blocking out the rest of my family. I just recalled my psychotic oaf of a brother who stood over me with a kitchen knife when he was actively drinking. He was doing the faces like Jack Nicholson - and the voice. It was awful. Chilling. Then there's one of my sisters who has threatened how she'd like to kill me numerous times in the past (none lately - knock wood) - and the time she was so shaking with rage that she told me that she'd shoot me right on the spot if she could only find a gun. And I wonder why I am screwed up and stressed.

My sympathies to each of you. It's no sort of life, dealing with this sort of abuse.

[jdp459]

yeah.
In a more direct way. My mom threatened me with a butcher knife once--inches from my face, with the rage eyes, lips trembling from fury, knuckles white on the knife handle. Because I "talked back" to her (she was telling me what a useless slug I was and how I was going to grow up to be a trailer trash with a bunch of kids with different fathers and on welfare before I was even 25--in a tone of voice implying it was FACT, not her opinion--and I had the temerity to reply "yeah--you'll make sure of that, won't you?")

Another time, I came home from school and went in my room to put down my books and stuff and there was a butcher knife sticking straight up out of my pillow. it was bone chilling. took me several minutes to decide whether my mom did that or my psychotic brother (who was later diagnosed Anti-Social PD). Still not entirely sure, but i think it was my brother. My mom was never that "subtle".

Lots of times, my mom would say "I should kill you" and she really seemed like she meant it--not just saying it out of anger.

This sounds exactly like my Momster. The third time she threatened me with a knife was the night I called 911 and dad came home to 5 cops pinning her down in the front yard. Also in regards to the driving while borderline that sounds exactly like her too. My friends were scared to drive with her and she was an alcoholic so drunk and borderline were not a great combination. I actually will not let anyone else drive me in a car, not my dad, not my stepmom, no one. I just don't feel safe I guess.

[Needless2say]

Driving while Borderline, yep, been there done that.
There were also nights I never slept because I believed she'd off me in my sleep.

[Peridot]

There were also nights I never slept because I believed she'd off me in my sleep.

Oh! Duh! I push the obvious out of my brain so much I wasn't even considering this "problem" any more. I took to barricading my bedroom door in this house when I was a child due to various abuse that would happen when I was asleep. (The door latches don't latch (old house - settling etc.), nor do they have any sort of lock that functions now.) I have been angry with myself for my sleeping being way out of whack so often - staying up too late. I knew I was stressed, of course, but I was TOTALLY blocking out that I do that barricading now again as an adult, ever since landing back at this house of horror. I was totally blocking out that when my crazy brother was actively drunk every day a few years ago that I had real fears that he would bust through my door and kill me. When he also began acting out his intentions during his sleep and causing himself physical harm by semi-sleep-walking etc., my fears jumped up to another level again. (And he still does this sleep thing to this day and it still freaks me out to hear him in the middle of the night. *sigh* How can I keep "forgetting" this stuff and wonder at myself why I'm so upset and depressed and scared all the time and keep blaming myself? Sheesh. It isn't ME. It is them. There are REAL reasons for being this freaked out. Why do I keep telling myself it isn't that bad?  Thanks for this topic, it is making me look at  few things.