DBT completion

[Think About It...]

Been a while since I have posted but life has been pretty busy

My partner was diagnosed with BPD about a year ago, and has just finished her DBT sessions which lasted almost 6 months

To be honest, improvement has been minimal in regards to dealing with me or anyone close to her.

Sure, she understands more about the 'why', but she just seems to get bogged down. Verbal abuse towards me has increased, and the kids (1 and 3) are struggling with the on/off emotional rollercoaster.

I am struggling, our relationship is pretty close to failed, I find it so hard to communicate because she wants me to listen, but  find it very hard as the abuse that gets hurled towards me puts me in the worst/upset mood I just struggle trying to find away to deal with this!

I need to communicate, we both need to communicate but it just seems so hard at the moment, any idea's

[Chris32]

Been a while since I have posted but life has been pretty busy

My partner was diagnosed with BPD about a year ago, and has just finished her DBT sessions which lasted almost 6 months

To be honest, improvement has been minimal in regards to dealing with me or anyone close to her.

Sure, she understands more about the 'why', but she just seems to get bogged down. Verbal abuse towards me has increased, and the kids (1 and 3) are struggling with the on/off emotional rollercoaster.

I am struggling, our relationship is pretty close to failed, I find it so hard to communicate because she wants me to listen, but  find it very hard as the abuse that gets hurled towards me puts me in the worst/upset mood I just struggle trying to find away to deal with this!

I need to communicate, we both need to communicate but it just seems so hard at the moment, any idea's

[Dynamic]

Hi Chris,
It must be hard for you in such a situation, buddy.

Nons have reported lot of improvement with just using the tools mentioned in this site & BPD books in spite of their pwBPD not being diagnosed. So I am wondering why the verbal abuse has increased. Are you using the tools? Have you read the lessons on the right?

Hang in there. Stay positive. I know it is easy said than done. But don't give up.

[Chris32]

I haven't, can you please post a link?

[doubleAries]

Chris32--
worth a try since you've already gone through the "gold standard treatment" with apparently not much success--

I have read recently about some BPD's and ASPD's who have had comprehensive hormone panels done and then taken hormonal supplements for the imbalances with pretty decent success. The DSM-IV mentions hormone imbalances in both BPD and Anti-Social PD, and there's a lot of stuff online about it--especially implicated seems to be the hypothalmus/thyroid/adrenal axis.

Maybe at least worth researching a little about. You can google "BPD hormones" and do some reading...

[Chris32]

To be fair I think m expectations were probably a little high

The second therapist was way out of her depth for the weekly appointments in conjunction with the DBT, so overall I'd say it that my partner got about 40% of the help needed.

They are looking at doing it again, with the therapist who does the group doing the follow up during the week, which I think would be very productive.

I have seen a psychologist a few times, just to help me, and from what I have been told they are involved in the next DBT group, so I will also benefit

I will have a look at the other stuff and see how I go

Hard work this, and I'd imagine also hard work for my partner. Geez I hope we can get there and get through this, my heart is still in this relationship but my head is copping a absolute battering

[Dynamic]

Chris,
The lessons can be found on the right side of this page. Here's the link.

http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913187#msg913187

Take care.

[waverider]

To be honest I think you have to do a lot of work on yourself, using the tools and read some of the recommended books. Otherwise you will keep triggering her, invalidating and not wearing the best suit of armour you can. It will have two effects, first you give off better vibes for her treatment to bounce off. It will also help your own self confidence enormously

[Blazing Star]

I was told my my first T that DBT treatment should be at least a year, and studies have shown that after 3 years 80% of people are better (or the improvement is 80%) or something equally Wow like that. She didn't give a source, but it sure made me feel hopeful.

My partner has been working with his T for over a year, improvement is good! He sees her every 3 - 4 weeks now. But does his own mindfulness meditations a few times a week too.

However it is a two way street, and I have been working on my stuff too, and with regards to the relationship have been trying to communicate in healthier ways. It is definitely worth looking at Your role in the dance. And will help you to feel much better in the relationship too.

I feel for you having young kids too, must be hard on all of you. We have a 3 yr old, and I think that just their nature can be quite triggering for the pwBPD, (damn, it can be quite triggering for the non too, as I am sure you know!) plus if she is a full time mum to these little ones that has got to be hard emotionally, perhaps making it hard for her to hold it together.

Take a look at the lessons, try some validating her feelings, while also drawing a boundary over what you will take - as soon as the verbal abuse starts leave the room. Maybe tell her this beforehand. If you have the kids remove the kids too. I would like to think that as a mother she will on some level understand that you are protecting your and her kids.

When I have removed my daughter from a situation, or firmly told my partner that his language/aggression in front of her is NOT okay, he has reacted at the time, but I have remained firm and unemotional while validating his feelings. Then the next day he will often say something like "I know you are just trying to protect and look after our daughter".

They are so vulnerable at this age, it is heartbreaking isn't it. Get yourself strong, for your kids, for yourself, for her.

I know it is hard and painful, try not to take the abuse personally (I know much easier said than done!), you know The Simpsons, when Homer hears "blah blah blahdy blah" when someone is talking something he doesn't understand? Try to detach like that. If it is a rage then take a time out, remove yourself, if it isn't a rage, then try some validation:

http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81610

Or if it is just one of those nasty comments then let it slide. I can only do this when i am in a good space, but I pretend he just said something really nice (bc I know he is capable of it sometimes, it is just this BPD monkey that is making him say something nasty).

Also have you read this on the BPD mother?

http://www.BPDfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a108.htm

Also you could post on the parenting board for some support too.

Look after yourself and your kids, and keep us posted!

Love Blazing Star

[waverider]

I was told my my first T that DBT treatment should be at least a year, and studies have shown that after 3 years 80% of people are better (or the improvement is 80%) or something equally Wow like that. She didn't give a source, but it sure made me feel hopeful.

While this is good for those that stick at it, the difficulty is getting people to stick at it, it is a long and consistent slog, especially for those who can be unreliable by nature

[Steph]

 Chris,
   Classic DBT treatment takes one full yea to get thru. Then, it is recommended a person go thru another year, and then take "advanced Skills training" for another year.

  Even with this, the relationship is another issue and that can take awhile to work out, with a skilled therapist who knows this stuff. In our case, it took my H 3 yeas of DBT, almost a year to separate so we could each get healthy and MC to reconcile.

  What you describe is about where I would expect her to be. She isnt nearly finished with her training, and I hope there is moe available to her.


And for you, have you gone to therapy yourself? And how are you feeling about the Lessons we have here?


Steph

[Chris32]

I've just had a pretty good look at the lessons, they are pretty comprehensive and I look forward to taking a more in depth look at each of them.

Its re-assuring to see that she is about where is expected, as I didn't know this is where she is supposed to be. I have seen a physiologist a few times and I've been trying to get in touch to have some regular sessions, basically to help sort myself out and get me in a position to help

Will keep this updated

[Steph]

 Recovery from BPD is not a smooth line sort of process, either..many, many, many ups and downs, ups and downs. One of my Hs worst times was right before he was fully integrated with the skills...so, hang in there. Hopefully she can and will continue with her skills training. In our case, my H quit after the first year, but went back after a few months, when things tanked again.

 Stick around! There is much information for you here, as well, and skills for you to use, information to guide you, as she recovers.

Steph