Anyone moved from lovers to friends ?

[Think About It...]

Okay, so he actually met me, after months of telling me he is madly and deeply in love with me... but no physical contact, only holding and kissing for the last ten months (before that it was physical as well).

I have had him full on for three months,with all the usual very convincing love talk, false promises, and hopes, then he backed off again, not with contact, but the content of his texts were different, he dropped the owrd 'want', I know this sounds petty, but ti was a word he used a lot before.

Still saying I love you, and miss you, and need you... but no...want.

All fo his actions suggested he was back on the other woman, it happened almiost overnight, adn was really obvious to me.

I have spent all these months asking him what I am to him, what does he want from me, tellling him he needs to be clear in his intentions, so that I know where I stand.

He has always answered that I am the love of his life, there is no-one else, and that no-one ever made him feel the way I DO!

Okay, so we met, only to talk of course, theis was a breakthrough for me. I had so much I wanted to say, so much I needed to know, and you know what, I came away exactly the same as usual, no clear answers.

The contradictions and lies were so bad that I ended up laughing, to which he said...head hung down,,(don't laugh at me please)

I asked him stright what I am to him... he had to think about it first!He eventually came up with...

I love you so much, I'm absolutely crazy about you, I want this to be physical so much, but just dont know when it will be   ? ( its been ten months already since we were)

I want to be your friend, your special friend, you are so beautiful, but I am not, but you confuse me, you are stressing me. I know you get frustrated because we can't be together, make love,etc, etc.

I said... you managed perfectly fine for eleven months!

He then said well I could always find time on so and so days!

I then asked ... where are we in your head? what are we, just friends?, his answer...I need you in my life so much, I love you so much,you are my 'peterpan' it would kill me to think of you with someone else, you're MY love, The love of my life.


Where the hell does that leave me?

I don't think I can be just his friend after all these months of dangling me on a string, he has gone out of his damn way to keep me there, but not actually given me anything.

I'm getting angry, but because I love him, I can't bring myself to tell him to leave me alone.

I'm not lonely, I have a good social life, hobbies, a good and interesting job, but he has taken over my head and my heart for so long, I dont know how to let go.


Has anyone else moved from lovers to friends, and how did it work out?

[Peterpan]

Okay, so he actually met me, after months of telling me he is madly and deeply in love with me... but no physical contact, only holding and kissing for the last ten months (before that it was physical as well).

I have had him full on for three months,with all the usual very convincing love talk, false promises, and hopes, then he backed off again, not with contact, but the content of his texts were different, he dropped the owrd 'want', I know this sounds petty, but ti was a word he used a lot before.

Still saying I love you, and miss you, and need you... but no...want.

All fo his actions suggested he was back on the other woman, it happened almiost overnight, adn was really obvious to me.

I have spent all these months asking him what I am to him, what does he want from me, tellling him he needs to be clear in his intentions, so that I know where I stand.

He has always answered that I am the love of his life, there is no-one else, and that no-one ever made him feel the way I DO!

Okay, so we met, only to talk of course, theis was a breakthrough for me. I had so much I wanted to say, so much I needed to know, and you know what, I came away exactly the same as usual, no clear answers.

The contradictions and lies were so bad that I ended up laughing, to which he said...head hung down,,(don't laugh at me please)

I asked him stright what I am to him... he had to think about it first!He eventually came up with...

I love you so much, I'm absolutely crazy about you, I want this to be physical so much, but just dont know when it will be   ? ( its been ten months already since we were)

I want to be your friend, your special friend, you are so beautiful, but I am not, but you confuse me, you are stressing me. I know you get frustrated because we can't be together, make love,etc, etc.

I said... you managed perfectly fine for eleven months!

He then said well I could always find time on so and so days!

I then asked ... where are we in your head? what are we, just friends?, his answer...I need you in my life so much, I love you so much,you are my 'peterpan' it would kill me to think of you with someone else, you're MY love, The love of my life.


Where the hell does that leave me?

I don't think I can be just his friend after all these months of dangling me on a string, he has gone out of his damn way to keep me there, but not actually given me anything.

I'm getting angry, but because I love him, I can't bring myself to tell him to leave me alone.

I'm not lonely, I have a good social life, hobbies, a good and interesting job, but he has taken over my head and my heart for so long, I dont know how to let go.


Has anyone else moved from lovers to friends, and how did it work out?

[guitarjames]

After the honeymoon phase (three years in) it moved to what appeared to me to be a friends type of relationship. No romance no intimacy. I spent a great deal of time thinking she was turned off by me. She would even at times mention that we were no longer physical and she commented how good the physical was between us. I would agree and open the door wide enough for a truck to drive through to let her know that I was down for the physical parts but she always made excuses or plans so it would not happen. It wasnt until down the road I figured out the real reasons why the romance and intimacy stopped on a dime after three years of it being so good. She was secretly hiding her bulimia from me. Bulimics have little to no sex drive. Couple that with fear of intimacy and viola I figured out why something so beautiful just stopped suddenly. She was a daily binge and purger for at least a year before I caught on. She was in such denial of her bulimia that she thought she was going through menopause early(early forties).

After I put two and two together and was sure beyond a doubt that she has BPD, I stopped looking at her as a romantic partner and fell in line with more of a friends type relationship and started a codependency cycle with her that would last another five years. I need to mention that I was also scared of giving deeper to the relationship because I had been burned by her multiple times ie dumping me on my head as things seemed fantastic, lying, cheating, manipulating ect ect. I now had all the facts and evidence that she was too unstable to persue other than trying to help and protect her.

The crazy part is now I'm in a position (it sucks but I cant change it) to be able to see her in her new relationship. She was soooo depressed when we parted ways. Myseriously the bulimia poof gone, the depression poof gone. By all accounts shes happy as hell and on cloud nine with the new guy. I'm no dummy of couse they are physical, he probably thinks he hit the jackpot. Her life returned to normal. I'm the one that was soooo messed up I guess.

So my suspicions were wrong. She never had bulimia. Aparently she was faking it. She does not have BPD. She faked that for years too. These are the things she said to me. What she does not know is that her two ex husbands came out of the wood work to confront me and to consol me. They both had been watching her and I from afar. She has children from them. We compared notes. It was scary that the same things, same cycles, same words ect. happened almost identical to these guys. She told me they were mean and abusive to her. Hmmmmm.

And as friends go. When I told her I could no longer deal with having her in my life she wasted no time finding the next love of her life. As an added bonus she wanted her and I to remain special best friends. She assured me she'd keep it from the new fiance so he wouldnt get mad.   I lived with crazy in my life for a bunch of years. Got myself and my power back and never want crazy again although I see another recycle attemt on the horizon. New guy is way to good to her and she cant have that!

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Clearmind]

I have spent all these months asking him what I am to him, what does he want from me, tellling him he needs to be clear in his intentions, so that I know where I stand.

PP, do you believe that there also needs to come a time when you ask yourself whether this is the type of relationship you want. Sometimes we live in hope that someone will change, come round to our way of thinking or want what we want _

[Heartforu]

This is very interesting because I am transitioning from a romantic relationship to a friendship. But really, would it even be a healthy friendship? That is an important point to ponder.

[bpdlover]

Who is BPD? That is the relevant question post the honeymoon phase. The ex detached promptly once the devaluing began. We would go back and forth being partners, friends and occasionally, I want nothing to do with you ever again. The latter was usually over something that was not befitting of that sort of reaction. There is a lot of push/pull dynamics here which is causing a lot of hurt. Taking it further will increase the hurt and if it is BPD, I sincerely doubt the sincerity. I was the love of my ex's life also, until she decided to leave, having just given birth to a child with me. Regardless of the excuses or pretending that circumstances/politics have the power to blur the lines and break a "relationship", this is disordered attachment. Would you consider going NC?

[Peterpan]

BPD lover
thanks for thre reply, I havae tried going NC many times, the short story is, we had a very intense relatonship for ten months after constant pursuing fro almost a year. Then came all the very fast 'deeply in love with you' talk, he wa swilling to give up everything for me, except then came excuses.
Then I would get etxts which where cleary meant for someoen else, then came game after game, then he backed off a little, not entriely, but calmed down, but iin my presence was very very clingy, territorial.
 I originally thought, okay I have a player/ he is unsure of my sincerity, etc, and so the doulbe thoughts and confusion started.

I eventually found he was doing the same thing with someone else we both worked with.

He denied it profoundly, and begged and pleaded with me (all the usual acting, overboard stuff) and I really really believed he was being sincere, and I had got it wrong.


I decided to move on from it, try to trust him, he kept saying he dind't know how to prove how much he loved me,, etc. We were even intimate again a few times.

However, after a few weeks, I just didn't feel right, all his texting times changed, sometimes I would get one which wasn't meant for me, then he backed down again, still pulling with very deep love talk. He would 'fit' me in for a few mins face to face contact with excuses. Of course for me it emant the other woman was still there and it was her getting the attentionn.

Then he started to text me from our usual meeting place, tell me he was there, but not ask me to meet him there, which I found odd and started to think he was blatantly teasing me, provoking me. SO I went there, only to find him on his phone, looking startled, but he still professed his deep love for me and made a show of admiration. I told him I didn't want him to contact me anymore that day, back in NOvember, then he cried, told me I was wrong, I was the only woman in the world he ever loved, and when he text me later, I caved in.

It's been like this ever since, I know we will never be intimate again, it has been me who suggested 'just friends'  more to keep him calm really, hopiing it will help him move on, but he says he wants me for more than that but only gives me false promises.

I have felt since Christmas that he doesn't want anything with me, but he daren't say so for fear I will take some kind of revenge. He keeps saying he would never do anything to hurt me.

If this is BPD, is it likely that he daren't end this properly because he THINKS that is the thing which will hurt me?

On our last encounter he told me he wants to be my friend, thinks of me as his lover, he texts me saying he loves me and is deeply in love with me.

I've told him over and over that I would rather know one way or the other so that I can move on with my life.

I suppose I'm hoping against all odds. He reels me back in, and I stay because I'm fooling myself into thinking that all he has said to me was true?

How do you go NC just like that, hell it's bad enough that he only texts me every other day now?

[bpdlover]

Once we understand borderline disordered attachment and come to accept this, we also must accept we will not know one way or the other, or get a definitive answer. That is the ex's struggle to get closure. Can you imagine for a minute, hour, day or month, being like your ex? From what you post, it is likely this could go on and on. You will be hurt to the core and then in recovery for years possibly. PTSD is a part of the fallout. It all seems manageable while we are in it, but what is brewing underneath is destructive and does come at you if you don't step away and focus on you. Once he knows he has you totally, you may be abandoned in the most brutal fashion. In the days before the ex cut me out of her life, she told me "never ever ever leave me." She then got a friend to help her file an RO on me that was totally unwarranted over two years ago. She also got her Mother to help her do this to her ex before me. Educate yourself on BPD, read some of the posts and articles because it's about you now. Clearer boundaries would be a great first step.