1 step forward and two steps back...

[Think About It...]

..Or should I say, 1 step forward and 20 steps back!

I've just come back from a wedding of 2 mutual friends of my ex uBPD/npd bf.
It was such a lovely occasion but having to see my ex there with his "new" girlfriend (who btw he started seeing before we broke up) has pushed me back to a stage I can only compare with the way I felt one and a half years ago when we broke up and I found out he were seeing someone.   I am so shocked by how much it affected me, when I thought I was doing really well and was really 'over' him.  I've met her several times before but this was the first time I saw them interacting together as a couple.  I have no desire to be in her shoes, I am not interested in being with him, but seeing them together opened up so many wounds I thought were healed.  I thought it would be fine.  But the whole day, I couldn't help "checking" them out. I tried to keep my distance, but as we have a daughter together who was also at the wedding, it was not easy.  I didn't know many other people, apart from the bride and groom, and I thought I would be able to handle it, meet lots of new people, have fun, enjoy the celebration, but I felt so out of place.  I guess celebrating love, surrounded by loved up couples, and seeing my ex kissing and hugging with his gf made me feel really small. I really felt like the proverbial 'spare tackle' at a wedding! She was all over him, and after the actual ceremony which took place next to a beautiful lake, they disappeared into the forest together and came back after 10 minutes looking sheepish and holding hands.  It could be my imagination working overtime, but surely they didn't sneak off for a quickie? It was horrible! Just before that happened, while she was talking to someone else, he told me how much he values our friendship, how much he loves me, and is glad we have a child together so that we can stay connected for the rest of our lives! I just nodded but inside my stomach was churning!  He completely plays down his relationship and is always saying he's not sure about her, blah blah blah, but the way they were acting together looked like they are completely in love. Our daughter went home with them for a couple of days, and he asked if I was ok, and seems concerned/sensitive about how I might be feeling but I didn't want him to know how upset I was... I left and cried myself stupid!  I've said on previous posts that I'd like to go NC because otherwise I can't see myself ever getting closure. But that would mean depriving my daughter of a r/s with her father and I just couldn't do that to her.
I really don't know how to move forward right now... I've started smoking and self medicating again with  a couple of beers/glass of wine, just when I had stopped doing that and was getting back on track.  I was really doing well, and now I just feel like I'm back to square one again.
Part of me obviously doesn't want to be let go, otherwise I wouldn't have been affected like that...   I don't hate him, and I want to be friends with him, but at the same time, I feel like I should hate him and never want to speak to him again because of the way he treated me...
Thanks again for listening to me ranting...

[trevy32]

..Or should I say, 1 step forward and 20 steps back!

I've just come back from a wedding of 2 mutual friends of my ex uBPD/npd bf.
It was such a lovely occasion but having to see my ex there with his "new" girlfriend (who btw he started seeing before we broke up) has pushed me back to a stage I can only compare with the way I felt one and a half years ago when we broke up and I found out he were seeing someone.   I am so shocked by how much it affected me, when I thought I was doing really well and was really 'over' him.  I've met her several times before but this was the first time I saw them interacting together as a couple.  I have no desire to be in her shoes, I am not interested in being with him, but seeing them together opened up so many wounds I thought were healed.  I thought it would be fine.  But the whole day, I couldn't help "checking" them out. I tried to keep my distance, but as we have a daughter together who was also at the wedding, it was not easy.  I didn't know many other people, apart from the bride and groom, and I thought I would be able to handle it, meet lots of new people, have fun, enjoy the celebration, but I felt so out of place.  I guess celebrating love, surrounded by loved up couples, and seeing my ex kissing and hugging with his gf made me feel really small. I really felt like the proverbial 'spare tackle' at a wedding! She was all over him, and after the actual ceremony which took place next to a beautiful lake, they disappeared into the forest together and came back after 10 minutes looking sheepish and holding hands.  It could be my imagination working overtime, but surely they didn't sneak off for a quickie? It was horrible! Just before that happened, while she was talking to someone else, he told me how much he values our friendship, how much he loves me, and is glad we have a child together so that we can stay connected for the rest of our lives! I just nodded but inside my stomach was churning!  He completely plays down his relationship and is always saying he's not sure about her, blah blah blah, but the way they were acting together looked like they are completely in love. Our daughter went home with them for a couple of days, and he asked if I was ok, and seems concerned/sensitive about how I might be feeling but I didn't want him to know how upset I was... I left and cried myself stupid!  I've said on previous posts that I'd like to go NC because otherwise I can't see myself ever getting closure. But that would mean depriving my daughter of a r/s with her father and I just couldn't do that to her.
I really don't know how to move forward right now... I've started smoking and self medicating again with  a couple of beers/glass of wine, just when I had stopped doing that and was getting back on track.  I was really doing well, and now I just feel like I'm back to square one again.
Part of me obviously doesn't want to be let go, otherwise I wouldn't have been affected like that...   I don't hate him, and I want to be friends with him, but at the same time, I feel like I should hate him and never want to speak to him again because of the way he treated me...
Thanks again for listening to me ranting...

[BPD Magnet 1]

  I am sorry you are in this PAIN.This has to be so hard on you...

  I could not imagine seeing this and living this.I no how i am,i would be in Prison if i seen that.As a matter of fact i would of went back in the ''bushes'' and solved my dilema.

  I am ''old school'' baseball bat justice.This is where i came from.I do not advise this.But this is just where i am at in this whole process of getting decieved and conned from her,her sick friends and her sick family.I can only hope they all burn in hell.

 Reading you story gave me hope that i can hopefully not ''lash out'' and not go to jail.Some days i welcome Prison for getting a peice of these people,for what they have done to me.Believe that..!..

 So again,thank you for giving me hope to not ''react'' to these sick twisted people who have harmed me in so many ways.

 Thanks for the ''hope'' that i can one minute at a time not destroy these sick twisted people..
 

[NonGF]

Wow, I don't think I'd be able to keep my cool like and stick around until the end like you did.  I'd certainly fall apart after holding it together that long, I'm sure.  I hope that I don't ever run into my ex with a replacement.  I know in my head that if I do, I should feel sorry for her and not me.  Sorry you are struggling.  Hopefully this is just another stepping stone along your path of healing.  Hugs.

[trevy32]

@nonGF  Thank you!  I guess I am a sucker for punishment somehow.. It's one of those things that hits you afterwards, and you think, god, that was awful!  The whole wedding lasted for the weekend, it was supposed to be a lovely weekend away.. but I guess somehow it's all part of the healing. I've made a decision to cut down on contact, and not entertain the "we're such good friends and always will be" thoughts...

@BPDmagnet   I guess anger is a natural reaction to the hurtful ways we've been treated by the exes and part of our journey in healing, sounds like you're making progress too... The best thing is that is makes us realize things about ourselves, and we grow as a result..all the best to you, it will get easier and the anger will subside to other feelings...(hopefully ones that won't land us up in prison ;-))  And breaking free means we're no longer in the prison created by our past abusive relationships

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Confuzzled104]

Oh jeez after reading what you had to go thru I am so glad I did not have to go thru that...I am amazed u kept your composure like that...I would have just walked out...regardless of the circumstances..I couldnt deal with that at this point in my healing process...I just think you have great fortitude to handle that situation...

[BP39]

You're a strong woman trev32.stay strong.sounds like you handled it like a champ espically when he sat his a$$ up there and said he still loved and was thankful that you will have a connection for life.idk if I couldn't handle that .I've seen my wife yes still wife with her replacement but they didn't see me and I know how I felt.I haven't looked at her face to face since march but I know its coming soon as we have 2 children together..
I really think the all overness of them 2 was on purpose .knowing you couldn't. Just up and leave you're daughter there..man that's horrible way to treat someone.but is alright you know what she haslet them be .we all get stronger while we are away but seeing them even hearing there voice. Is like kryptonite to us .
If nobody else has told. U I will you did a good job you stay strong and stay the course
You were the better person...BP39

[GreenMango]

Ah trevy I am so sorry its come to this kind of stuff.  All those feelings you are having are familiar to me.  I know what crying my eyes out after particularily bad incidents was like.   

With a child it has to be a million times harder.  My suggestion because this one incident rocked you is to really think about how much you can pare down any interaction with him outside if your daughter.  I know it sounds hard but it may be time to put your feelings first (other than your daughter) and not go to stuff he will be at, email only for communication only about daughter, do not respond to anything but that.

Have you checked out the Raising children when one parent has BPD board? 

Hang in there I know it cam be brutal,
Gm

[jessicapuppy]

Hi there Trevy32

The thing is, although you feel that this has set you back somewhat, at the moment, what you have just achieved, is getting over yet another hurdle.  You've done it, now!  You've seen them together, all loved up.  This is as bad as it gets, in my opinion.  It's my worst fear, if I ever have to experience that with my ex!  I understand right now that it feels that you're set-back, but when you pull yourself together again (which I understand could take a little while), you will emerge from this stronger.

You know that this little display of affection was no doubt for your benefit, and that behind closed doors, your ex's new partner will be enduring everything that you did.  You say that 'she was all over him', which to me, suggests that it was definitely for your benefit, and that she feels insecure.  I realise I'm just surmising from what you have said, but when you couple that with the fact that your ex actually plays the relationship down to you, behind his gf's back, then I'm not surprised she feels the need to claim her man, in front of you!  She's probably feeling incredibly insecure!

I suspect that in what your ex had to say to you, he was testing the water, just wanting to know if he'd burnt all bridges with you or if you'd consider allowing him to press the 'reset' button on your relationship.  What does that tell you about this display of affection for his latest gf?

Try to bear in mind that everything that you have been through with your ex, his new gf is about to experience, for herself.  You are the strong one.  You have come out the other side, and are surviving and growing stronger.  Sure...you've had this experience and feel pretty low about it at the moment, but in time, try to take strength from the fact that you have broken free from all of the charades that you are witnessing your ex's new partner going through.  You are almost at the top of the mountain, whereas she hasn't even begun climbing it, yet!

If you're anything like me, seeing your ex with someone else is the ultimate hurt of all hurts.  If I had done that, I'd be thinking to myself, 'Okay, I've seen it now, is there anything else that I have to dread?  No.  That's it!  Now I can move forward!'

I know everyone's different, but you have the ability to move forwards and find a relationship with someone who is able to give everything in a relationship, that you are.  That surely has to be a nice thought...a comfort?    

Don't be sad for the past.  Be excited about your future  

[trevy32]

Thanks everyone for all the words of encouragement!  I feel so supported and it really helps.  Jesssica you're right, she is welcome to him.  They are still in their 'honeymoon' phase but he's sure to treat her the same way he did me.  I just spoke to his mum who I am close with and I told her how hard it was (not the bit about them disappearing into the woods though ;-)) and she was really sweet.  She's been there with his dad so she knows! They split up when my ex was about 3, but they stayed living together until he was 19 but both parents had partners coming in and out of their lives, sometimes living at the house.  How wierd is that? No wonder he turned out the way he did !  I've got to see his gf today when I pick up my DD so not really looking forward to that, but Greenmango as you said, I'm going to definitely limit my interactions with my ex now.  Next thing to think about is DD's family birthday party coming up soon, when they'll both be there... It won't be as bad as the wedding, I doubt they'll dare to sneak off for a quickie with all the family there