great party

[Think About It....]

Hi all, while I've been out of action there have been some very sad things happening on the board. So, I will lighten the load.

I had my big birthday party on Sat. And it was a great success. Good venue, good food, good music - dancing and all. Good fun. MY dd came! she is a beautiful young woman. She nicely avoided me and dh all night, but was pleasant and genial. It was so good to see her.

Of course we have some dramas via sms at the moment - from before the party and after. She is deep in debt. We offered to pay off her credit card, but requested to see the statement so we can see what we are paying for. She declined. She asked us to pay for her T (which we had earlier agreed to) again, no problems but in the future, can we see the receipts. She, of course, accuses us of lack of trust. Yeah, perhaps it is. She doesn't trust us with any information about her life. And while I believe her T bills are the truth, I still want to put some order into my accounts and bill paying. Not make random payments whenever she demands. I also want her to know that if she wants us to pay other stuff, that she will have to let us know what we are paying for. It is not necessary for her to have the debts that she does.

So we are practising validation and boundaries via text... Goodness knows where it will end. But I feel easier because she is making contact and she was able to present as normal at the party.

It's also interesting that her language now seems couched in psycho babble... god knows what her T thinks is wrong with her! just monstrous abusive parents 

vivek 

[vivekananda]

Hi all, while I've been out of action there have been some very sad things happening on the board. So, I will lighten the load.

I had my big birthday party on Sat. And it was a great success. Good venue, good food, good music - dancing and all. Good fun. MY dd came! she is a beautiful young woman. She nicely avoided me and dh all night, but was pleasant and genial. It was so good to see her.

Of course we have some dramas via sms at the moment - from before the party and after. She is deep in debt. We offered to pay off her credit card, but requested to see the statement so we can see what we are paying for. She declined. She asked us to pay for her T (which we had earlier agreed to) again, no problems but in the future, can we see the receipts. She, of course, accuses us of lack of trust. Yeah, perhaps it is. She doesn't trust us with any information about her life. And while I believe her T bills are the truth, I still want to put some order into my accounts and bill paying. Not make random payments whenever she demands. I also want her to know that if she wants us to pay other stuff, that she will have to let us know what we are paying for. It is not necessary for her to have the debts that she does.

So we are practising validation and boundaries via text... Goodness knows where it will end. But I feel easier because she is making contact and she was able to present as normal at the party.

It's also interesting that her language now seems couched in psycho babble... god knows what her T thinks is wrong with her! just monstrous abusive parents 

vivek 

[mikmik]

ViveK,

How wonderful, what a fabulous celebration for a well deserving woman!  Glad it all went well, and even better, setting some boundaries. 

Welcome back from a few days off... While this board is such a lifeline, it is great to take a break from it all!

mik

[suchsadness]

Vivek,

Glad to hear you had a great party...you deserved it!  Also - glad to hear your daughter came, I know that must have meant a lot to you as it would have meant a lot to me too.     I love that you offered to pay her credit card debt with the condition that she show you her statement, thereby making her accountable for her financial decisions. Good for you! And very interesting that she declined when there was that condition attached.  It sounds like she wants you to help her out but isn't willing to let you know anything about her situation or where her money goes...I can relate as that is how my dd operates too.

[vivekananda]

ViveK,
While this board is such a lifeline, it is great to take a break from it all!
mik

I missed you all, but yes, it was good to be so busy with good things that I didn't have time out to log on! And then to read such sad things when I did log on. It's a hard life for us all, isn't it?

It sounds like she wants you to help her out but isn't willing to let you know anything about her situation or where her money goes...I can relate as that is how my dd operates too.

There is a fair amount of self righteousnness in her position - an unfortunate personality trait. She wants us to know nothing about her life at all. That's it in a nutshell. And that's ok, as long as we know she's alive - that's the bottom line and I don't think there are any concerns in that regard. But if she wants us to be her purse, then there needs to be accountability.

You realise I suppose that this is a great advance for us, dh and I. Now, any communication we talk about and he is listening to what I say and talking a bit more about it. I keep saying to him, 'well if you had read as much as I have and learnt as much as me, then I'd consider what you had to say more. But you didn't so, shut up and listen!' So, now it's just validation and boundaries in the text - no discussion, explanation or justification. And on Sat night, just superficial chit chat with dd, very little directly said to each other.

It's interesting she doesn't want us to know who her T is...

I'm still buoyed by the whole experience and we're off to Tassie tonight (singing in a choir), so out of touch for a week - again!

vivek