Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
July 05, 2015, 08:20:04 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Today's Feature: Personality traits - how do you score? read more
Moderators: DreamGirl, EaglesJuJu, lbjnltx, Kwamina, livednlearned, Mutt, Suzn, Turkish, Waverider   
Advisors: cosmonaut, maxen, Mike-X, once removed, Reforming
  Directory Guidelines Glossary   Boards   Help Login Register  
Think About It... Defending our boundaries is more than a response in times of conflict - it's a lifestyle. Learn how to get in touch with your values, define and communicate boundaries of those values, and defend against boundary busters. ~ Skip
105
Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Why does he act like two different people?  (Read 1375 times)
sheepdog
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 676


« on: July 09, 2012, 09:31:16 AM »

I was responding to a post this morning and this question struck me.

My bff wBPD has two close friends:  myself and another girl he works with.

We hang together, and are in the same social circles and are also all friends as well.

The way he 'presents' himself to us, especially privately, is soo different.  With her, he is the MAN, the tough guy, macho, says things like, "Man up", "Get over it", "You're too sensitive", "Crying is for babies", etc.  He says these things to her about her but also other situations they come across.  She has children and he sometimes tells her to start trying to toughen her son up.  He will also say things to her like, "That's your issue" and "I don't need anyone and never have."

With me, it is the opposite.  I am the only one who has ever seen him cry.  He has never cried in front of her or really shown that side, told her he's scared, etc.  He also used to rage at me pretty bad and never raised his voice to her though he does give us both the silent treatment sometimes.

She has told me that she thinks he sees her as weak.  She is very emotional and cries very easily.  He has told me she gets upset over the smallest, dumbest things (and she does...she is one that if there is not drama, she is not happy...she is working through that).

He has told me I am the strongest person he has ever met.  Back when the raging was going on he told me 'I knew you were strong but I never thought you would be this resilient.'  ?

I know being a chameleon is part of BPD but she and I have been through everything with this friend and we know his back story, all of it.  So why he would present himself two ways is kinda strange to me.

Anyone have similar experiences?
Logged
LetItBe
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 390



« Reply #1 on: July 09, 2012, 10:35:18 AM »

My exBPD seemed like 2 different people to me.  I'm not sure if he came across differently to his friends.  He also told me I was "one of the strongest people he ever knew." 
Logged
GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?
This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board.
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
Steph
Distinguished Member
Emeritus
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7847



« Reply #2 on: July 09, 2012, 12:14:16 PM »

 It works for him...

Its about HIM and not you.

He is mean to your friend because he gets to be mean to her. For whatever reason, she stays engaged.  He raged at you because he got to. He says  and does things to you/with you that work for him... and keep you hooked..and sucked in.

  He really has some aspd traits...

And keeping this whole thing going is likely due to codependancy and enabling.


S
Logged


wdone
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 1237


« Reply #3 on: July 09, 2012, 12:46:18 PM »

my bf told has  a "good" friend (it is impossible for him to be truly intimate or have consistency with here or anyone, but they are friends), and i remember being shocked when he told me she would cry and she needed him to be strong and to be there to give her advice etc and i said "i am not allowed to cry! why are you like that with her?" and he said he expects more of me. that i was to be strong, that i was his partner.
Logged

this too shall pass...
OnceConfused
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 4206


« Reply #4 on: July 09, 2012, 12:52:14 PM »

He is mean to her because he wants to maintain the outward appearance that he is a MAN, a strong one. And yet you have seen his true self.

My xbddgf was the sweetest person you have ever met, very coy, very romantic (w writing poems), very engaging. Her true self only shows up once you get to know her more in various situations. Her inconrgruence caused me so much confusion and not only until my T cleared it out with reference to BPD, I was able to see the two sides of her.
Logged

Steph
Distinguished Member
Emeritus
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7847



« Reply #5 on: July 09, 2012, 01:11:44 PM »

He is mean to her because he wants to maintain the outward appearance that he is a MAN, a strong one. And yet you have seen his true self.

My xbddgf was the sweetest person you have ever met, very coy, very romantic (w writing poems), very engaging. Her true self only shows up once you get to know her more in various situations. Her inconrgruence caused me so much confusion and not only until my T cleared it out with reference to BPD, I was able to see the two sides of her.

 And always remember...while it seems like 2 sides, take a step back. This IS who she is, who he is...the whole picture. S/he is someone who is adorable and fun and mean and cruel. That IS who s/he is.
Logged


sheepdog
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 676


« Reply #6 on: July 09, 2012, 01:28:47 PM »

But she has seen his true side, too.  She has seen him cry at the death of our beloved coworker but not cry at his stuff/mess and he hasn't shown her the rages.

She has been there through the locking himself in his apartment for four days with no contact, the not showing up for work, etc.

Also, the way that WE deal with him is very, very different.  She is not confrontational.  He could poop on her and she would not say a word.  That is changing now, with the help of therapy.

Though I am not confrontational, I didn't let him get away with things and called him out for the big ones.
Logged
Newton
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 1459


« Reply #7 on: July 09, 2012, 03:13:04 PM »

sheepdog...if he is suffering from BPD and untreated then his perception of "self" will be fluid and constantly changing...it seems crazy and bewildering to us because it IS for them...
Logged

gina louise
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 1263



« Reply #8 on: July 10, 2012, 12:05:29 PM »

My H can be Mr. Sociability/wonderful with new people-or even people he *wants* to connect with, or have them think well of him. Best behavior, dresses smartly, well groomed, asks all the polite questions, good at small talk though he hates it...mingles well at parties.
Calm, cool, collected and charming. That's his friendly *social half* at work, or NA meetings.

At home, with me-he's a slob in old gym shorts, flip flops and a sweaty polo shirt. Unshaven and farting. Sometimes can't get motivated to talk to me-but will text all day to his kids/ friends.  If we go out to eat-he's still in shorts and flip flops.
He can be moody, irritable, critical and demanding /controlling.  that's his *private half*.

When his mood is stable he can be calm and attentive at home too...it just seems more prevalent outside. Like he *saves* that part for being social away from home.
He was like this when we lived together before marriage too. he saved his best for others.
I got the real *raw* deal at home.

GL
Logged
sheepdog
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 676


« Reply #9 on: July 12, 2012, 10:46:58 AM »

GL - I understand what you're saying.  My bff has actually told me how exhausting it is for him to be 'happy' and personable at work.  When he gets off work, he frequently will take a 3 hour nap and not talk to anyone.

I would imagine keeping up those appearances are very hard for them.

I'm not sure why he is one way with her and not with me - even IN FRONT OF US BOTH he is like that.  Strange...

I agree, Newton!
Logged
2015 Financial Sponsors
Thank you. We are all appreciative of the thoughtful and responsible men and women who provide the support, education, and brotherhood to keep BPDFamily on the air and make a difference in the lives and families of many. To all, thank you for this wonderful resource.
1989
123Phoebe
4kidz
A maze
Achaya
Adelheid
adventurer
aeoma
alf
All4BVM
antifragile
arlers
Aurelius
Aurora7
Aussie JJ
Aussieman
Avi
babyducks
BatMasterson
beatup
Being Mindful
Bhodidharma
billypilgrim
BlackandBlue
blissful_camper
bluetooth
bobbyvp
Bookworm77
Boss302
bpdfamfan
bpdRelife
CalledaPerson
captain4464
Carebearx2m
careman
Cat Familiar
catclaw
catnap
caughtnreleased
cehlers55
Change2014
chooselove
Chosen
chump
claudiaduffy
cleotokos
clydegriffith
Cmjo
cobwebfaery
ColdEthyl
confusedwoman
Conundrum
CookieMom
corraline
coworkerfriend
Cumulus
DearBFF
Dibdob59
Dire Wolf
doubleAries
downwhim
draptemp
drummerboy
Dutched
DyingLove
easternmom
Elpis
Emelie Emelie
emoinferno
enlighten me
Ex_CB_Partner
F150
FannyB

findingmyselfagain
flowerpath
foggydew
ForeverDad
forget-me-not
Frankcostello
Free2Bee
freedom33
friskey
fromheeltoheal
Gagrl
GeekyGirl
gettin-unstuck
gfish
gloveman
Grey Kitty
gsm42
half-life
HappyChappy
HappyNihilist
harnettr
Harri
Heartandsole
heartandwhole
Heldfast
Heshie
hithere
Hope26
hope2727
howcanI?
imataloss
In Pain
inkling16
Inside
Intent_to_learn
Irish Pride
janpiet
Japeslee
jaynebrain
jellibeans
Jessica84
jjclark
Johnjm
joolz29
Josie C
joyjoyjoy
JRT
jthorpejr
JulesC
juner
kaer
kappa
kc sunshine
Keep
KeepOnGoing
kelti1972
kidsteele
kj1234
KQuestionsItAll
Kwamina
landj
landofoz
Learning Fast
Leelou
lemon flower
lever
Linda Maria
lipstick
llor
lm911
Lmls
Love Is Not Enough
Loveisfree
lovenature
Loveofhislife
Lucky One
madmom
maid
malibu4x
MammaMia
maric
mdg2101
Mel1968
mercurious
Mercury2Pluto
mggt
michel71
Mike76
mitatsu
Mom919
momtara
Mono No Aware:
Mr Hollande
Mutt
NeedHelpPls
newlifeBPDfree
NewWays
nochangeinsight
NorthernGirl
oblivian2013
oceaneyes
Olivia_D
outside9x
overcomer
P.F.Change
Panda39
paperlung
patientandclear
Patty
picturelady
Pingo
PinkieV
Pou
Progress Not Perfection
propunchingbag
qcarolr
qkslvrgirl
Rapt Reader
raytamtay3
really???
Recooperating
Reforming
ReluctantSurvivor
rickdeckard
Ridingthewaves
Rifka
rollercoaster24
Ross O
sanemom
Saro
Scarlet Phoenix
schwing
SCM
sdyakca
seahorse
SES
ShaSha
Sheed
simpleman
sirius
Skip
SlyQQ
Soulslider
Southern_Belle
SpringInMyStep
Sshilli
SSJ0603
stargazer3
StayOrLeave15
stupafly
Sunfl0wer
Surg_Bear
Surnia
suz124w
swampped
sweetheart
swiftkick
Take2
Tamara96
Tansy
Targeted
Theo41
thereishope
Tiepje3
toomanytears
trappedinlove
tryingtohelp
trytrytry
Turkish
tuum est61
twojaybirds
ugghh
Up In the Air
vbor
Vindi
vre
waverider
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
White_Lily
WindReader
winston72
Witchway
worn_out
Yaffle
yeeter
zaqsert
zenwexler

Pay it forward Here

Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Top Spacer
Choosing a path
Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2015, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!