taking back privacy

[Think About It...]

I think my H has both BPD and NPD... or maybe only one of them, I have no idea...

Anyhow, I got so used to giving little by little, and now I am in a pretty stuck situation, where he has the passwords to all my accounts, he carries my cell phone with him sometimes, even when he has his own, all my facebook messages and emails go to his cell phone on delivery, he follows me from room to room when I am on the telephone, etc.

I am only recently realizing that I have given too much, and I am wondering if anyone else has had to take back their privacy, and how you went about it? Without causing all the rages, I mean.

   Jag

[Jagged]

I think my H has both BPD and NPD... or maybe only one of them, I have no idea...

Anyhow, I got so used to giving little by little, and now I am in a pretty stuck situation, where he has the passwords to all my accounts, he carries my cell phone with him sometimes, even when he has his own, all my facebook messages and emails go to his cell phone on delivery, he follows me from room to room when I am on the telephone, etc.

I am only recently realizing that I have given too much, and I am wondering if anyone else has had to take back their privacy, and how you went about it? Without causing all the rages, I mean.

   Jag

[Dynamic]

Hi Jagged,
It is unbelievable to realize the extent to which we have given in to pwBPD. But once we have realized it, let's focus on how to improve the situation.

-Can you start with changing passwords & settings to your email & Facebook accounts so that he has no access & notifications are not sent to his cell phone?
-Keep your cell phone with you always.
-As to the following & listening to your phone calls, put the call on hold for a while, tell him that you need some privacy while on the phone, wait till he moves away, makes sure that he is from hearing distance, then resume your conversation.

Since the situation is so worse, I would suggest that you tackle each issue, then once you have established privacy, move on to the next issue. It is going to be tough to get back to normalcy so look out for tantrums & outbursts & be ready to handle them. But be firm on establishing your boundaries. Like I said, one step at a time.

Good luck!

[onAmission]

Hi Jagged,
  

You are not alone & you have come to the right place.

Your post caught my attention because I have dealt with serious privacy issues with my dBPDh.

Let me name a few:
-I let him have all of my passwords because he said he had nothing to hide & I just figured I should not either.
-he checked up on my: emails, home voice mails, cell voice mails, time used on each phone, used to take my cell & sit & go all through it looking for "whatever". Listened to my home phone calls while hiding around a corner (still dealing with that).
- and at one point, went into our PC & into my private journal documents & printed every single one out which he put in a file to use to incriminate me somehow. I had never password protected them because I thought I could trust him. 

When things got dangerous & I had to take our kids and leave, Mr. "I would never do anything to hurt you or our kids" did the following before I was even a few hours away:

He took all $ from our joint account & opened a new account with his private password. He hired a Lawyer. He took out a loan on his 401K $ & changed all passwords to that information to keep me out. He set up new passwords on all accounts & locked me out. My kids and I had NO means of survival guaranteed unless I had help from family members.

There is much more to that story, but I learned that I had the right to set a healthy boundary for mySELF. And that is, I am not okay with my H snooping through my emails, phone messages, FB messages, eavesdropping on my phone calls, etc. So, I changed all of my passwords & simply explained to H that I have a right to privacy (it does not matter if I have something to hide or not, I still have a right to privacy). Heck, even a convicted criminal has a right to some privacy.

I did so with MUCH rage from my H & I only made it through due to the help of people on this board. It is hard to realize how much of ourselves we have given up in a relationship with a BPD. It sneaks up on us & I find that it is a never ending scenario. I must recharge my batteries often & this board is the best place I have found to do so.

You can & you must take your privacy back. The lessons here will help & the people far wiser than I will help too. You are not alone in finding yourself in this situation.   

[Blazing Star]

Oh I feel for you. I remember when I 'woke up' to a certain extent and realised that I had given in too much, and I Agonised for ages about how to approach this without triggering his stuff (too much!).

What helped me was feeling Absolutely justified in my requests. And in fact I didn't request, I just calmly stated.

Eg one of the things was him not allowing me to be in email contact with any of my exs, no matter how we were friends after the relationship ended (  can't believe I bowed to this in order to keep the peace, as there was no need at all for him to be concerned!). It came to a point where I felt not only resentful and sad, but knew that I needed to stand up for what I felt my truth was here, compassion for him and his feelings held me back, I didn't want to trigger him.

So I thought about it for ages, and realised how pointless it was not being in touch with my these friends, that it was his issue, not mine, that I had Every Right to be in touch with whoever I wanted, and that I would never take it further than a friendship (his fears). So after getting brave and feeling to my CORE that it was okay I told him. Something along the lines of "I have been feeling really suppressed, and I am letting you know that I can't handle how this makes me feel anymore, I am going to now feel free to respond to emails from people I share a past with. I am really sorry that this triggers you, and I know it is hard for you".
I probably prefaced it with "there is something I want to talk to you about, but I am feeling very fearful of your reaction", as that helps me to be vulnerable, and can also sometimes frame the conversation so he feels compassion rather than threatened.

So, know that you have Every Right to your own passwords etc! It is very normal and very healthy to have a life separate from your partner. (on some level he knows this too). get to a place where you can feel so matter of fact about this, almost so it is a non-issue, just a given in your head. And then yes change your passwords, and inform him of this calmly, gently, but Firmly.

Don't fall into Jade (justifying, arguing, defending or explaining). Be a broken record if you need too. Walk away if you need to.

There may or may not be rages, but to be honest this is not your concern, your concern right now is taking back something that is yours, and feeling strong again in yourself. Be brave. You CAN do it!

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

Love Blazing Star

[waverider]

The trick is to realise you will not avoid tantrums when you try to do anything to get it back. So you may as well do something worthwhile rather than token attempts.

Assert you are not controlling what they do but are taking back control of what you do.

You do not need to come up with excuses or explanations as to why you are taking back what is your basic right.

Simply it is your choice and your right to choose and are not going to argue about it. If they rage, leave them to it, do not get drawn into it or distracted onto other issues.

Do one area at a time.

It is amazing how far below "normal" it has become when you finally wake up to it.

I believe it is probably best to master the art of walking away from arguments before you start making lifestyle changes, as that is a basic tool, and is very empowering onces you have it down to a routine.

[Surnia]

Hi jag

yes, most of us had aereas we completly gaved away all or lot of space and find us with  ?  how could this happen? So you are not alone.

Lot of things are already said.

I would suggest validation. If you have moments of love with him, tell him. Not just in the moment he found out that you changed all passwords. To other occasions. There is no garantuee however. It could be a long road, even little things can change the dynamic of a rs completley. 

I wish you all the best! And tell us how it goes.
S.

[Validation78]

Hi All!
   I must agree with what's been said here! You will not be able to avoid a bad reaction because you are changing the rules. As we all know from experience, things get worse before they get better. The fact is, in order for things to get better, we have to change the rules!
   One suggestion though, and this is something I have been doing. When there is a discussion that I dread having, and I know will create dysregulation, I save it for our therapy sessions. My uBPDh seems to control himself better there, and having a third party to help us mediate is very helpful. It also gives the T insight to the way we speak to each other! It also helps her to treat us appropriately. Just something to think about!

Best Wishes,
Val78

[yeeter]

Hi Jag,

You are recognizing that you have given too much.  Congratulations!   

The best description I can give to getting yourself whole again is that you have to claw your way back, piece by piece.  And it will NOT be given to you (you have to TAKE it)

So no way to do it without conflict.  A very good friend used to tell me: 

"The only way around, is through"


Just do one piece at a time.  Make sure you have some strong support from friends/family, because at some point or another you might feel the urge to give in again.  What you are wanting is very REASONABLE and HEALTHY.

[Jagged]

Thanks everyone.

Is it normal that he makes me feel like I am hiding something even when I know I am not?

[Surnia]

hi jag

important is, what you think or know: i am not hiding anything.

its commun for BPD to gain control. I think this is what he wants. With all your passwords he has in the modern world of media a lot of control.

How do you handle it with the forum here? Can you hide this?

S.

[Dynamic]

Jagged,
It is your right to have your privacy.

You don't need to feel guilty that you are hiding something. 

Don't give him the power to 'make' you think that you hiding something.

Be brave, strong & firm in enforcing your privacy, each issue at a time.

All the best. 

Take care. 

[iluminati]

I think you need to throw down the gauntlet with your privacy, and let things fall where they may.  Demanding access to emails and your phone is asking a lot.  Change all your passwords and settings immediately.  Just do it, no announcements, no declarations.  I know my wife used to snoop in my emails and IMs then read whatever she wanted out of them in order to have one of those soul-cleansing arguments of hers.    I told her, even before the formal BPD diagnosis, that if she did it again, we'd have a problem.  That stopped that habit cold turkey.  I also set up my IMs to not be archived, so even if I slipped, she couldn't find anything.

As to the bigger picture, you need to ask your SO why does he need access.  Ask him what he gets out of it and how it make him feel.  I get the feeling you might see the insecurities under the surface.

[andywho]

Thanks everyone.

Is it normal that he makes me feel like I am hiding something even when I know I am not?

Hiyas Jagged.

Not sure if its normal... But i sure felt that way. In the end i was terryfied that my GF actually would find something that not even i knew of... or make some big fuzz about nothing.

Thing is ... if i really wanted to hide something from her it would be mail accounts/other accounts that she didnt even know of.

Like the mail account i use on these boards 

Andy

[Jagged]

Thank you all, for the wonderful advice. Sorry it took so long for me to reply to these. i do have a separate email for this, and I only come online when he isn't around, so I don't think it's possible for him to figure this one out.

I changed my facebook password, and hopefully that means I am not signed in to his cell phone anymore, and I have been logging out when I go offline, so he won't be able tot get it without me giving ti to him again. If i ever feel I have to, so he can do something for me on fb (which is how he got me to tell him last time) I will make sure i change it again right away.

So far, no issues over it, but who knows if he has even noticed yet? I didn't tell him 

[Dynamic]

Jagged,
It's great that you took the bold step of changing FB password.  

Later if a need arises for you to do something in FB, don't give the password to him again. Why give it, then change it? Whatever it is, do it yourself. If you don't know how to do it, ask someone or go online & give a search by typing 'How to _______?)

Give it some time till he notices it, tackle it before you start dealing with the other privacy issues one by one.

Good Luck!