Sad

[Think About It...]

I am feeling sad today...the more I realize h is not going to change the lonlier I feel...I am realizing that he won't change and I will never be able to have a h who is supportive and allows me someone to lean on once in a while.  I will have no one who understands my pain or who can handle any of my concerns in life.  He is jealous if I get more attention than him...as long as I am up and detached he will make it about him and then he is happy and things all is well in the relationship.  I am realizing how vulnerable this makes me, yet I don't want to divorce him.  His neediness and constant projections of he would be happy if I would just change something about ME are exhausting sometimes to just ignore and say something sweet...even if he ever comes to the end of himself I don't see it changing or building my trust in him again.   

[amaris]

I am feeling sad today...the more I realize h is not going to change the lonlier I feel...I am realizing that he won't change and I will never be able to have a h who is supportive and allows me someone to lean on once in a while.  I will have no one who understands my pain or who can handle any of my concerns in life.  He is jealous if I get more attention than him...as long as I am up and detached he will make it about him and then he is happy and things all is well in the relationship.  I am realizing how vulnerable this makes me, yet I don't want to divorce him.  His neediness and constant projections of he would be happy if I would just change something about ME are exhausting sometimes to just ignore and say something sweet...even if he ever comes to the end of himself I don't see it changing or building my trust in him again.   

[andywho]

I am feeling sad today...the more I realize h is not going to change the lonlier I feel...I am realizing that he won't change and I will never be able to have a h who is supportive and allows me someone to lean on once in a while.  I will have no one who understands my pain or who can handle any of my concerns in life.  He is jealous if I get more attention than him...as long as I am up and detached he will make it about him and then he is happy and things all is well in the relationship.  I am realizing how vulnerable this makes me, yet I don't want to divorce him.  His neediness and constant projections of he would be happy if I would just change something about ME are exhausting sometimes to just ignore and say something sweet...even if he ever comes to the end of himself I don't see it changing or building my trust in him again.   

Hello amaris.

I know exactly how you feel, and i have the same feelings all to often. I as you.. love my girlfriend... but i also know that the chance of me having a "normal" relationship with her might never happen.

When i joined these boards i was on the verge of somewhat a nervous breakdown. My nerves where on the outside of my skin... i was so tense.

Im now after all the feedback and reading the lessons here over and over getting more relaxed and gaining more control of my self, my life and the situation at home. I still have a long way to go, but what i have learned in here and that i find as a comfort is that i have realised that i do have a choice. I myself choose to stay in this relationship... just seeing that i have a choice helps me alot.

I know try to make it work better by using what i have learned in here. And i will try to make it work... for how long i dont know. But knowing that i can pull out if i want helps me alot.

Dont know if this was of any help to you... but know you are not alone with your toughts and feelings. Many, many of us in here share them wit you.

Hugs!

Andy

[yeeter]

Hi Amaris.  Hi!

You are not alone.  Andys experience is very similar to my own.

Read the lessons.  Its logical that with acceptance comes grief over the loss of the concept of a normal relationship

And then comes the decision on what to do about it how to handle it.  My belief was to get myself as emotionally strong as possible before attacking that decision.  And th lessons were very helpful

Choice is very powerful to help change your mindset.  I chose to stay. And yes, loneliness is perhaps the biggest implication of this decision, and I am still working on it.   There are a number of things that will help, including staying connected to friends and family

Post. Tell us what is happning with you. Read. Practice.  Read some more
 

[daylily]

Amaris,

          I'm so sorry you're sad!  Maybe, though, to look at the bright side, you're at a breakthrough moment, even though it doesn't feel that way.  You feel vulnerable, but maybe this realization makes you empowered instead. 

I had to accept that I cannot change my husband before I could turn my focus to what I can change - myself.  I need to take care of myself.  I need to make myself the best "me" I can be.  I need to set boundaries so I don't listen to and take on abusive and untrue comments.  I deserve it.  And you do too.  Before I reached the realization that I can't change him, I was absorbing his negativity, frantically trying to do anything I could to make HIM stop hurting me.  All of my attention was focused outward and I was neglecting myself.  I can't say I'm even close to being where I need to be, but by reading the lessons and the posts, I'm learning.  Right now I'm just focusing on not making things worse and protecting myself.  If things start to escalate, I walk out.  But I couldn't start to make things better without first hitting what felt like rock bottom, but really may be just the beginning of a healthier me.

Thinking of you,

Daylily

[Dynamic]

I am feeling sad today...the more I realize h is not going to change the lonlier I feel...I am realizing that he won't change and I will never be able to have a h who is supportive and allows me someone to lean on once in a while.  I will have no one who understands my pain or who can handle any of my concerns in life.  He is jealous if I get more attention than him...as long as I am up and detached he will make it about him and then he is happy and things all is well in the relationship.  I am realizing how vulnerable this makes me, yet I don't want to divorce him.  His neediness and constant projections of he would be happy if I would just change something about ME are exhausting sometimes to just ignore and say something sweet...even if he ever comes to the end of himself I don't see it changing or building my trust in him again.    

amaris,
I have gone through all that you mentioned. You are not alone, dear. We are all here to support you & reach out to you. It is easy to get wallowed in self pity. I know it's hard to digest the facts. But unfortunately being depressed is not going to change anything except that you are neglecting yourself & your health. Come on now & cheer up, honey.     Keep reminding yourself that 'this too shall pass'.

Go wash your face. Order your favorite food. Enjoy eating it while watching your favorite show on TV. Take your mind off for a while or if it makes you feel better keep posting & vent out. Is it possible to take a break? Get away for a change of scene?

I will keep you in my thoughts, honey. Take care.  

[numenal]

Amaris,

It's ok to feel sad. You have every right to have support in your marriage. You deserve a mate you can lean on, with whom you can be yourself and know for certain he won't use that against you. You deserve all the caretaking and love you give, returned to you with consistency.

A person with BPD will not be able to do that. Committing to a marriage with a bp means giving up an adult-to-adult relationship.

I agree you should take time for yourself and do something you love, eat what you love, hang out with friends you can have a good time with, get some clarity. 

[amaris]

 Hi!  Thank you all so much...wow!  Whenever I am feeling low I know where to come...I used to conduct support groups for women of childhood abuse and saw the extreme value of people who have been there...I can tell you all know exactly what I am talking about.  I am taking care of myself but today I just felt so tired of it all...he is so needy and back and forth and today is one of those days that I am getting the looks of disapproval and disgust when I dont' have a clue...it is so ridiculous you have to laugh sometimes.    It is a hard life to constantly be on top of the toxic negatively they project on you most of the time...he has been dysregulating for 4 months now...it has never been this long.  Can you believe he is out teaching a bible study right now with a host of people and he is mr. wonderful?   If they only had a clue...he loves it because he is the star...

[BelievenHope]

I have also been sad...and I truly accepted him for who he is. And yes, there is grief and yes, it is hard. We can only work on ourselves and our knowledge of what is going on and our part in making things worse... I can say I probably know 1000 times more about BPD than my bf with BPD. What I have found to happen in the meantime, I do things for me and I spend time with people who are validating. I feel really good about myself. And believe it or not, there are times when my BPDbf validates me too. There are times when I know everything I do is totally worth every second.The people here are wonderful...and validating, and it helps so much to know we are not alone. But honestly there are times when everything is really all worth it. The more I work on me, the better things are for US. The dysregulation can be so very difficult, but I have come to realize when it has nothing to do with me, I do what I need to do for my boundaries. It can certainly be tiring (actually, totally exhausting is more like it), but you are in the right place here

[united for now]

That feeling of sadness is part of the process.

Previously we believed in the great fairy trail of happy ever after. We could pretend that all would get better in time. We focused on the good and ignored the bad.

The moment when you take off the rose colored glasses and face reality is part of growing up. And yeah, it hurts like heck...

Our true strength though, comes from facing what is head on. We can develop better coping skills if we know what we are facing. The truth allows you to respond in ways that are healthy and compassionate, indeed of reactive and defensive.


Radical acceptance. Facing the facts..

[yeeter]

 Facing the facts..

Hmmm... sounds like a good theme for a support web site. 

[sheepdog]

Everyone here can bring (and did!) so much more to the table but just know we're here, amaris.   

[Go Fish]

Dear Amaris,

You are not alone. It feels bad to cry, as I have been today, realizing the same and feeling stuck in the situation. But I hope that keeping in touch with my real feelings will help me get to a better place. T always says crying is healthy and they worry about those who can't. Still I'd rather spend this time with my family in peace.

[Forgetmenot]

I had intense sadness when I realized my first husband wasn't capable of real love.  I didn't know he was BPD at the time but suspected something major was wrong.  I went to therapy.  He refused.  The constant bullying and being yelled at for anything and everything was killing me.  I finally realized I have choices and I chose to leave.  Not because he was sick.  But because he refused to seek help at all.

I am remarried now with the most wonderful man on earth.  I have never seen him yell.  My ex is still out there screaming at people.  I have peace in my marriage.

Only I was blessed with a BPD child.  It's harder for me to deal with because I was so traumatized from my first marriage..the abuse was terrible.  Never physical.  So here we go again. I have to go through the whole sorting out process.  I'll be ok.  It hurts terribly when it's a child.

I'm glad you see that you have choices.  That is the start to setting boundaries too, I think.

[Blazing Star]

Hi Amaris,

I hope you are feeling a bit better today. Echoing the others, yes it is So Hard when we start to realise/accept that things can perhaps never be the way we want them. This has been hard for me too, and I haven't totally accepted it. But I am committed for now, and committed to working on myself and my part in it.

When the sadness comes I acknowledge it and try to sit with it (not suppress/avoid it - this is something I have been working on with my T), this is very challenging, bc it can feel so raw and painful, but I know it is healthy for me.

Also i have been working on doing what I can to look after myself by shifting the focus on me. Writing happy lists and doing one thing on that list.

Do you have a therapist?
Or friends who validate you for who you are. I know this is not the ideal of having our partners being the be all and end all. But for me, for now, I am looking outside the relationship for what I need (i don't mean this in a looking for another partner, rather than friends filling the gaps he leaves). Does this make sense?

Look after You, and keep us posted.

Love and hugs, Blazing Star

[amaris]

Hi...no I don't have a therapist per se, but I do have supportive friends who know exactly what I am dealing with and one is a therpist who specializes in BPD...she is the one who told me about this site.  I fluctuate from day to day in the acceptance of this is who I am living with and it probably will always be there...up til now I had this notion that he would one day see the light and ask for help.   His Dr. Hyde side is so wonderful...he is a pastor to many...but his other side is just plain crazy and he is not able to deal with real life behind the scenes...I try to enjoy the good times but his dysregulation in the past 4 months has not let up and it is hard to remember any good at those times...plus my heart has been so tromped on so many times the trust is gone and he senses it and so he is in my personal space all the time til I have to be rude about it and then his feelings are hurt cause I am such a mean person...    I can't respond physically anymore and that makes it worse in his insecurity...He also has OCD which adds to the pressure for me...Is is common for BPDs to have OCD as well?   There is not a spot anywhere in our home for he is constantly cleaning...and checking doors and paranoid if we leave the garage open for too long when we want to get in or out...it goes on and on... ?

[amaris]

Okay...need some reassurance...BPDh was fine this morning..went out to his office to pay bills...work is slow so he used all the money...however, we haven't been late once and there is nothing outstanding at this moment and we always seem to be provided for...but he seems to be using the fact that work is slow as an excuse to continue to rage...he just came in in a rage of humongous proportions...teeth gritted, red in face, fists tight and was yelling he can't take anymore and almost put his fist through the wall...I said I was sorry he was feeling this way and what could I do for him...he unleashed more and yelled he can't take anymore..ran and got into his truck and peeled rubber taking off...i sense he is at the end of himself but it seems the stress of slow work he cannot cope...I am not sure what will happen...I guess I am looking for reassurance there is nothing I can do to make him better right now and just have to ride this out...

[gina louise]

amaris,
I am so sorry you had to put up with that(again). It's scary and makes them seem like a total stranger!

I know exactly what you are talking about and how irrational and out of the blue his behavior seems.

Just remember he's reacting to his own internal cues or script...and his rage outburst has nothing to do with YOU. even when it's directed AT you. it's hard to remember at that point.

My H reacts to ANY stress whether good or bad-with high emotion and anger. it could be a birthday party or Xmas and he will lose it. a happy time for anyone else on earth it seems...but us.

it wears you down when you feel like you can just relax and BE...you are always on guard with what you say and do around *your* reactive person. that's exhausting.

When I was growing up-my reactive person in my family was my sister...So I became used to dysfunctional and over-reactive people. I turned into a calm and patient, go with the flow, lets everyone get along- kinda person.
I was always willing to adapt MY boundaries...just to keep peace, and not have conflict.-not *make* my sister mad or upset-My Mother felt that was paramount to my sister behaving better!
It never worked, by the way. She stole and lied and drank and drugged and her bf's were all drug dealers-even now.

It took me years to detach-and realize that I internally *copied* my Mothers attitude towards emotionally unstable people. Keep them happy so they don't lash out or use drugs, or destroy your home! She did this with my Dad (npd traits) and my sister (probable BPD.)

Now I have learned that I need my boundaries to sleep well at night, to relax in my own home.

It may seem to us that their acting out is completely unfounded and totally uncalled for-but we have no idea what is going on inside them-in their heads.

It's like a SUPER bad viral outbreak of measles that erupts into a flash of uncontrolled anger/emotion rather than a ugly rash of itchy spots.
it just HITS them, and they can't stop the angry *rash* from bursting out all over.
the BPD *virus* just causes different external effects than a typical virus that causes physical illness. And ONLY pwBPD catch it.

I hope things get better for you...and you are not alone.
GL

[amaris]

Gina Louise...I can certainly tell you are there too...very wise and encouraging advice...you are so right...I know now that it is his perceptions that trigger him and there is nothing I can do about it...it is just unnerving to say the least...when it is me he is raging against I just leave the house...so he has learned to direct his rage at some other inanimate object or circumstance...this morning I honestly prayed that he wouldn't have stroke or h.attack on the rode the way he left here...does that ever happen..do they get so enraged they have scary physical things happen to them?  This is my second marriage...my first was for 25 years to the most passive man you'll ever meet..I had to do it all..so when I met my current guy his passion is what attracted me and I ignored the red flags...boy have I paid for that...not understanding what I was dealing with for 10 years I tried to fix him and reason with him to only make it worse...I began the journey a few years ago of investigating what BPD is...I now, feel like I have a handle on his changes and moods but I dont' thing anyone ever gets 'used' to living like this...do you?

[gina louise]

Hi amaris,
No I don't believe anyone can get *used* to being attacked or raged at unpredictably! we'd be abnormal if we did.   

My first H of 27 years was Npd and VERY passive/ aggressive-I got the seething silent treatment. He demanded total obedience, and acted like a tyrant. He was a stealth abuser! 

I feel badly now that my kids are all grown they are seeing my first H as he really is-without me in between as a buffer. He remarried and has a new baby-at age 60.

What I know now is that my H has signs of changes in his behavior when he's about to blow-he's pacing, he can't sit still for long, he has to be doing some activity like yard work that really occupies him, he's complaining and very negative about things...he sulks, acts surly.

Then there's subtle emotional clues too-he's suddenly *too tired* to do anything fun, yet he's still compelled to be BUSY at home! He drops,cancels and changes any plans we've made-very irrational and impulsive. He raises his voice for even the most minor discussions...Like I am deaf or just too stupid.

I wish I could figure out how to exit at THAT point...and not say or do the one tiny thing that triggers his reactive rage.
It's upsetting to b/c he can switch it on and off if other people are present-say, if his kids come over. He never screams at me in front of others. that would make him a bully! god forbid. 

How was your H when he came home?
GL

[amaris]

Hi Gina Louise...well, when he came home he was so depressed he could hardly walk..calling himself a loser...and he promptly went to bed in the guest room...today he was still in that state and seems to have lost touch with reality...being a real victim saying he is giving up...he left early this morning on his Harley and still isn't home and it is 8 pm.   I am not sure if he is trying to get my attention to feel bad for him or if he is truly lost all touch..usually I find that he has been visiting with people or was riding with someone when he wants me to think he is alone...(his buddies in a christian motorcycle group)...he usually bounces back by now so I am not sure what is happening.  I am totally not reacting to him...just validating his feelings which seems to totally diffuse him.  So, a normal person would have made contact by now and his instability brings the thoughts to me that he has driven off a cliff...but again, I think it is an attention getter...
I am wondering if you are saying that after all those years being married to a passive but abusive guy you remarried another one?  Or are you talking about your ex?  If you have remarried another abuser have you been able to identify what is it in you that caused you to choose the same pattern...
I see a lot of similarities in our h's...

[Blazing Star]

Hi Amaris,

Sorry to here that he is out and hasn't returned. My partner is about to sell his motorbike (fingers crossed) but I can relate to that feeling of 'what if something has happened'. In a calm moment I explained the anxiety I felt when I didn't here from him on his bike, and since then he has been good about keeping in touch (we did have a close call where he ended up in Hospt 2 years ago, and I couldn't get in touch with him and had to find him by calling all the hopsts in the area!).

I know it is hard, but I think you are right about riding it out and leaving him to it. Try to do something to take your mind off it, read a good book, take a bath, make a nice cake? Also if he is doing it to get attention when he comes home he will realise this tactic didn't work when he walks in and you have your fave music playing and are baking or whatever.

Love Blazing Star

[Forgetmenot]

I'm not sure if it is possible to avoid "triggering" the rage.  It usually only occurs with the people they are closest to.  Even if you lovingly state that you notice that they are having pent up frustration-THAT will likely trigger.  You can't control it.  Only they can.  Heck...I've been waken from a sound sleep to get yelled at.  What could I possibly have done wrong while I was sleeping?

I think it is the worst feeling in the world to be raged at.  It feels like nothing you can do or say will get you out of the situation.  When it happens to me I feel trapped, cornered and afraid.  I can't run, I can't hide and I can't reason my way out of it.  I can't calm the attacker.  Then when it is over I am just shaken and upset for hours, sometimes days.  The attacker walks out of the room and comes back as if nothing happened.  In a cheery voice..."hey, what's for dinner".  It always twists my mind.

I think it important to remind yourself each time that you do not deserve to be treated like that.  Not from anyone.  Remind yourself that even if you had done something wrong to trigger, you still don't deserve to be treated like that.  It is abuse, plain and simple.

[gina louise]

Amaris,
Yes, I married TWO that were /are abusive...only with very different emotional styles.

First H was the silent, angry passive/aggressive. I just would skate out of range. I had a full time job  plus a house full of kids to care for who kept me busy. If I was *obedient* and went along...he was OK. He got worse (more rigid) as he aged. Now we are divorced-I left him when the kids were well grown. Every time we have a family event and I see him and he starts on me or the kids- telling us how to live our lives... I realize how GOOD it feels to get up, say goodbye and drive away!

My present H was the defenseless waif type-good looking and sociable-He promised me the moon and was very openly affectionate-holding  hands and walking together. He seemed a really nice guy.
He seemed self aware, supportive, an involved dad...A little depressed but he had just gone through a bad breakup.
What I didn't realize was that was his PUBLIC persona.

In private he was sluggish (lazy) selfish and self centered-demanding and critical. He would spend whatever money he made-and never save...He expected only the best, but gave very little back.
Wants credit for every tidbit he's tossed my way. Could never EVER be questioned, at all for any decision. Made plans and dates and break them, on a whim.
His behavior could be unreasonable and irrational, and he would expect to be *excused* for it!
In short-he made attempts to appear stable-but he's NOT at all a stable person.


so yeah, Two in a row...I did that!
I know it's because I wanted to get along, I wanted to stay part of a couple and I am not a quitter, I had less firm boundaries then- I have put some boundaries in place for me-for MY sake. I will not tolerate abuse, and cheating is a deal breaker. Even an emotional affair will break this deal. LOL

I would almost say he's better now...he sleeps well and eats well, and he's employed and making a good income. He dysregulates less and less, and recovers faster. Claims he's willing to attend MC. He's attending NA and AA regularly.

But he's made two large impulsive purchases in the past few months, and I fear he's spiraling down again.
It's a slow ugly descent...

GL

[Forgetmenot]

Gina Louise,

That is the meanest trick, I think.  How can you know that someone has a public persona and a totally different home persona.

I fell into that trap with my first marriage.

I hope your current H stays stable.  Breaking up sucks.  It sounds like you are doing great with setting your boundaries.  Keep up the great work!

If something happened to my current husband, whom I adore.  I don't think I would remarry.  I would date someone exclusviely, but in this society, no more marriage for me.