Have any of you ever experienced this

[Think About It...]

So, we have a new care worker now dd is 18, its all different once you get to 18. You get a Psychiatrist and a care coordinator, the cc (care coordinator) is usually a mental health social worker or a psychiatric nurse, they are there to help for anything really, if you want DBT, you can tell the cc and he will write to that dept on your behalf saying how much you need it etc.

Anyway, dd really likes her one, so thats  so good and I am pleased. However, Im not keen on him, he is a bit devaluing to me, and I didnt like his attitude when I was upset and asking him to help.

Anyway he has met me once, and met dd twice, he came round to see me this week and he said he wanted to talk to me about dds relationship with her dad. I was shocked that he said he feels that she isnt close to him, if she was closer to him she wouldnt have any problems at all. Do you believe me? it sounds like I got that wrong but I havent.

I told him that dd loves dad, and I dont get why hes saying that, he said he read somewhere that dd would not let dad come to meetings at the Ps office. I explained that its only because dd hates those meetings and the less people that are there the better, he said why did dad sit outside while we were at meetings, well I cant drive, so dad would drive us, dd would say she didnt want him in and he would say ok, thats fine. How nice is that.

He still didnt seem to believe me, so frustrating.

I went on to say that when our children were little I read all the parenting books and we did such good things with our kids, I would take 3 of them to school then dh would take one for breakfast so they could get one to one. We did loads of other thing too.

He still seems convinced though, thats so frustrating and upsetting for me when I know my dh is so good with dd and dd is often saying how lovely dad is, how kind he is.

How can a relationship with a dad give  BPD, the brain cant change because of it.

I know its not true, but I kept thinking what if it is true, then I was being off with dh a bit. I dont know, I think I just felt down yesterday. I did tell him he reminds me of judge Judy though haha, he does.

Anyway I dont have to see him again I think

[heronbird]

So, we have a new care worker now dd is 18, its all different once you get to 18. You get a Psychiatrist and a care coordinator, the cc (care coordinator) is usually a mental health social worker or a psychiatric nurse, they are there to help for anything really, if you want DBT, you can tell the cc and he will write to that dept on your behalf saying how much you need it etc.

Anyway, dd really likes her one, so thats  so good and I am pleased. However, Im not keen on him, he is a bit devaluing to me, and I didnt like his attitude when I was upset and asking him to help.

Anyway he has met me once, and met dd twice, he came round to see me this week and he said he wanted to talk to me about dds relationship with her dad. I was shocked that he said he feels that she isnt close to him, if she was closer to him she wouldnt have any problems at all. Do you believe me? it sounds like I got that wrong but I havent.

I told him that dd loves dad, and I dont get why hes saying that, he said he read somewhere that dd would not let dad come to meetings at the Ps office. I explained that its only because dd hates those meetings and the less people that are there the better, he said why did dad sit outside while we were at meetings, well I cant drive, so dad would drive us, dd would say she didnt want him in and he would say ok, thats fine. How nice is that.

He still didnt seem to believe me, so frustrating.

I went on to say that when our children were little I read all the parenting books and we did such good things with our kids, I would take 3 of them to school then dh would take one for breakfast so they could get one to one. We did loads of other thing too.

He still seems convinced though, thats so frustrating and upsetting for me when I know my dh is so good with dd and dd is often saying how lovely dad is, how kind he is.

How can a relationship with a dad give  BPD, the brain cant change because of it.

I know its not true, but I kept thinking what if it is true, then I was being off with dh a bit. I dont know, I think I just felt down yesterday. I did tell him he reminds me of judge Judy though haha, he does.

Anyway I dont have to see him again I think

[jojospal]

My dd was in a similar format of having the Pdoc and a cc. It worked great for her but, sadly she moved to a different city in a different province and got  no support services there.
I can understand how you feel though. It got my ire up when I read your post.
Your daughters' cc is going to get burned out really fast if he continues to believe everything the patient says. He will get to know your dd in time and realize that you can be counted on to tell the truth. It is hard not to feel defensive though.
As much as you don't like him, it is good that you get to talk to him about your daughter and have the opportunity to balance whatever your dd  tells him with actual reality.
Buy your husband some flowers to show him that you know what a good man, and great father he is!

[heronbird]

Thanks, yes its good you understand. But cc also makes me feel not valued when he keeps not listening to me. I mean the P does not talk to me like he does, hopefully I wont have to see him again.

Its bad how they try to find something to blame, if I was a single mum, they would of had that, but quite honestly they dont have anything to blame, and the previous P knew that, so she didnt look for anything.

[peaceplease]

Yep, they have to find something or someone to blame.  I know that my dd's case worker takes everything that she says and does not stop to think there is another side.  She is only hearing my dd's version.  It is great for them to have an advocate, but really do they really think they should believe everything they are told. 

I hope that he truly listens to you in the future. 

[j's friend]

It does make you wonder whether these people know about Bpd at all 

[vivekananda]

That sounds like a really confusing experience Hbird. Perhaps we could be kind and suggest he was fishing for info to help him understand, but he sounds a bit of a droob to me. This guy was new to the job wasn't he? And he's not especially experienced from my recall of what you said earlier hbird. Needing someone or something to blame is a very immature response.

He does show a bit of a lack of understanding. But I suppose the test is whether he is helpful for your dd. Maybe next time it should be your dh that speaks with him eh? I reckon the cc would find that a bit of a challenge eh 

take care hbird,

vivek   

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[lbjnltx]

Yep, they have to find something or someone to blame.  I know that my dd's case worker takes everything that she says and does not stop to think there is another side.  She is only hearing my dd's version.  It is great for them to have an advocate, but really do they really think they should believe everything they are told. 

I hope that he truly listens to you in the future. 

It does make you wonder whether these people know about Bpd at all 

Perhaps he doesn't know anything about BPD, OR he is still in the dark ages believing that BPD is caused only by abuse and neglect.  If this professional relationship lasts long enough he will most likely find out that not everything your daughter says is the gospel truth...one day he could be split black and either have a  moment...do some research or get very frustrated and come back to heronbird for info...only time will tell.

Just my .04 cents...inflation you know

lbjnltx

[heronbird]

Well, I think its because he is over educated if you know what I mean! Strange eh.

You cant do this just by education and I have heard he is getting to the very top, his dad is a doc, not a P doc, but they are an educated family he went to the best uni in UK and got tops, you get the idea dont you.

The only thing I must say is that dd loves him, he is tailor made for her, his eccentric ways suit her, so that is a great thing.
remember, he is not a therapist, so she is only seeing him so far. He is supposed to apply for therapy for her, but told me we only have 2 therapists for our area and 200 people want it, I said thats not my fault is it, just get it for her haha.

So I will put up with him for my dds sake.

That was so bad of him to judge dh so quickly, never met him and only met dd twice. Silly man, my gosh he should see what dh does for dd, in one day, hed be shocked. Dh is better than me hes more patient and validating I would say.

[vivekananda]

Well, I think its because he is over educated if you know what I mean! Strange eh.

That makes it sound as if he thinks he is smarter - because of his background... and in fact that suggests he is patronising with limited insight into himself. Well, is he in for a shock eh? Maybe he needs a little exposure to the idea of mindfulness ...

hbird, I think the best thing is to sit back and watch him find out for himself. As long as he is good for your dd, who cares about the laddie - not us!

vivek 

[heronbird]

Thanks Viv, yes thats  true what you said. Im starting to wonder if he is NPD too haha, maybe not the PD bit. He is not humble though.
You cant do this with just education can you, you need both, experience too.

[vivekananda]

I have a great nephew who is just 17. A highly talented athlete (top 10% Aussie rules Football etc), a highly intelligent young man (top 10%), attractive and with a solid well off background. Would you believe? He is humble.

So I think humility, while it can be learnt with insight and experience, it is a personality trait too. Not just a matter of experience. Those of us who have too much of the more unfortunate personality traits - like those  s of mine, can relearn to become better people. Education and experience help, but some people never learn eh?

I'm busy trying to learn though... not easy eh?

cheers,
Vivek 

[heronbird]

Yes, course... I know you do get good all rounders, you know, what I mean, well rounded people too. Its just more unusual.

Actually, my older daughters bf is one of those, humble too sociable and seems to have everything, nice eh

I just think some professionals like Ps for example, they only know what they learnt at uni, they dont know how it feels, if you see what I mean.

Not always though, Peter Fonagy, the man who created MBT. He had a psychotic episode when he was 15, so he was ill for a while, so I think he would be a perfect P.

Well, interesting eh