S7 is figuring it all out, and I am nervous that BPD dad will agress on him

[Think About It....]

My S7, (will be 8 in january) is starting to see the truth of his dads' craziness. And not in a fun or funny way. he is starting to call him out and maybe even tossing a little sarcasm in there.

Just one example: We had to do a switch off, BPD/NPD dad was taking the dog while son and I went out of town...BPD/NPD dad did some tricky verbal manuevering, trying to test me, I ignored, laughing it off. Son interrupted it, "Daddy. i saw you just tried to trick mama. That was not a nice thing to do."

I just stared. S7 did too. BPD/NPD was not amused.

another example: BPD NPD dad has been saying for 2 years. 2 solid years he has said, at least 2x a week that he was going to start S7 on piano lessons. He came out of rehab and said t first then, and continued. S7 has pointed out to me that his dad always says this but it never happens, but then his dad plays the piano and shows son new songs he(dad) is learning. S7 is so annoyed by it. Last time he said it (about the "upcoming lessons") S7 interrupted him, and said, "OK, daddy. you can stop it now. "

Son said to me: "daddy is so weird about the piano lessons. Its like he thinks its happening, but its not. Then he is the one learning to play it, and wants me to listen to it all the time. "

BPD NPD called me after and said he did not appreciate the sass, told what was said. He said, and I quote, "If he sasses me like that again, I will pound him."

I told him that he was making promises for 2 years, and I dont blame S7 for being annoyed. He needed to do it or stop saying it. And at the very least stop playing new songs o the piano himself.

He accused me of poisoning sons mind. I told him I did not do that, did not need to. that S7 just calls it as he sees it.

I am feeling nervous that my sons imminent intellectual advancement and clarity will become a threat to his father, and the NPD in him will become abusive toward him. He is being exposed by one of his innocent suppliers of N supply.

I knew it was coming...I just thought it would be later maybe around 10 yrs old or so...

[nocrazy]

My S7, (will be 8 in january) is starting to see the truth of his dads' craziness. And not in a fun or funny way. he is starting to call him out and maybe even tossing a little sarcasm in there.

Just one example: We had to do a switch off, BPD/NPD dad was taking the dog while son and I went out of town...BPD/NPD dad did some tricky verbal manuevering, trying to test me, I ignored, laughing it off. Son interrupted it, "Daddy. i saw you just tried to trick mama. That was not a nice thing to do."

I just stared. S7 did too. BPD/NPD was not amused.

another example: BPD NPD dad has been saying for 2 years. 2 solid years he has said, at least 2x a week that he was going to start S7 on piano lessons. He came out of rehab and said t first then, and continued. S7 has pointed out to me that his dad always says this but it never happens, but then his dad plays the piano and shows son new songs he(dad) is learning. S7 is so annoyed by it. Last time he said it (about the "upcoming lessons") S7 interrupted him, and said, "OK, daddy. you can stop it now. "

Son said to me: "daddy is so weird about the piano lessons. Its like he thinks its happening, but its not. Then he is the one learning to play it, and wants me to listen to it all the time. "

BPD NPD called me after and said he did not appreciate the sass, told what was said. He said, and I quote, "If he sasses me like that again, I will pound him."

I told him that he was making promises for 2 years, and I dont blame S7 for being annoyed. He needed to do it or stop saying it. And at the very least stop playing new songs o the piano himself.

He accused me of poisoning sons mind. I told him I did not do that, did not need to. that S7 just calls it as he sees it.

I am feeling nervous that my sons imminent intellectual advancement and clarity will become a threat to his father, and the NPD in him will become abusive toward him. He is being exposed by one of his innocent suppliers of N supply.

I knew it was coming...I just thought it would be later maybe around 10 yrs old or so...

[yeeter]

Hi nocrazy,

 Hi!


Im not going to have a lot of advice per se, other than to say Im facing the same thing so will learn from you!

(a while back after my wife said something and then left the room - my S8 looked at me from across the room, put is finger up against his head, and twirled it in a circle to say she is crazy...).  Honestly I had to turn away to keep from laughing.

But I will say this:  It is GREAT that your son isnt falling for it.  This means he is healthy, and thinking for himself and this is the greatest thing you can do for him - to validate his thinking.  At the same time you might do some coaching that some things are better left unspoken (doesnt mean you cant think them, or 'know' them).

And then if your husband lays one finger, call the police.  You HAVE to stick up for your children.  If your H goes into verbal abuse then you have to step in, or provide a way for your son to walk away.

Then just let the next 10 years go by - your son will grow and leave the house.  Its a good thing he is recognizing whats happening, and isnt internalizing it onto his own person.

[Gagrl]

What a perfect example of child development!  I did some grad work in human developmental psychology -- Piaget lays out benchmarks in development, and at the age of (approximately) 7 years, a child makes a tremendous leap in cognition and abstract thinking (another happens around 11).

Your son is very confident in his ability to speak.  I hope he retains his "voice."

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[Parrot Pill]

I am not in this type if situation (yet?) but I would advise you to let your lawyer know about the threat your husband made. Spanking a child is not illegal in the U.S. (maybe in some parts, but I sorta doubt it) but "pounding" a child almost certainly is. And for sure call the cops if it ever happens. Also make sure your son knows how to get in touch with you and us empowered to do do (give him a cell phone his dad doesn't know about if you have to). I admire you for
Being proactive and rational about protecting your child and about how your child's natural and healthy development may trigger your ex. Keep us posted for sure; I'm sure many people here are dealing with this very issue and this will help protect their children too.

[nocrazy]

Thanks, everyone...

Yeeter: he lives with me. He only sees his dad, kind of when his dad makes time.

We are sort of hoping he doesnt press for more (me and sons T)

So, luckily, at least I have the majority of time with him.

[Matt]

I can see 3 ways to look at this...

Usually we want to focus on the child, and validate his perceptions and feelings.  You can hear S7 tell each story, or you can tell him, "Your dad told me blah blah blah." and then let S7 respond, and you can reinforce what he says - not the facts but his perceptions and feelings.  "Dad always talks about piano lessons but it never happens."  "It sounds like you're kind of tired of being told that."  "Yeah, exactly." etc.

A second way to look at it is how you talk with your ex.  But I'm not sure anything you do or say will work.  I would suggest talking with him less, or not at all, and just using e-mail for necessary arrangements.

A third way to look at it is legal.  To be blunt, if my ex told me she was going to "pound" one of my kids, I would file a motion the next day, to have 100% custody and supervised visitation for her.  I would cite that comment, or maybe see if I could get her to repeat it while I recorded the conversation.  In my state it's legal to record every phone or face-to-face conversation you take part in, and if there is a threat made, that can be used in court.  I'm not saying you would get full custody, but at least the court would be aware of that comment, and that you are ready and able to take care of S7.  Then it wouldn't be your choice for him to continue to be alone with an adult who would threaten to "pound" him.