Ex taking child out of school against my wishes

[Think About It...]

So, 1 year NC just over.

Went dentist last week with daughter only to see ex, her H and her 2 other children walk into the waiting room.

Next day ex sends a message through D to me asking if its ok for D to take day off school to go clothes shopping!

I told D i was not backing up that plan and was not going to condone it, Ex was supposed to take D shopping last weekend but cancelled because her car needed fixing instead.

I also said to D that it is best if her mum didnt use her as a go between for messages and that she should contact me directly to discuss such matters or even better not make requests that shouldnt be made.


So now D is having the day off school to go shopping and i feel powerless to do the right thing in terms of not letting D take time out from her education to go clothes shopping!

Im not going to put D into the middle of this by discussing this with her, ive made it clear that this isnt 'fair' in terms of my parenting and D's schooling.

How am i supposed such a situation? Inform the school of whats happening before it happens so they are aware of the current choices the mother makes.

I will not be backing the ex up with any lies to the school or any authorities should they get involved but i do feel my right to parent correctly is just being snuffed out in such a callous and thoughtless way!


Anyone else had to deal with ex partners thinking its ok to have days off school?

If anyone has followed my past on here you will know this is nto the 1st time this has happened!

The last time was a few months ago when daughter went to stay at her mums for the night and as a reward for staying at her mums for the night she had the following day off school!

As much as the daughter knows it isnt right she was sold the idea if that makes any sense. Find me a teenager that will say 'NO' to having a day off school with the promise of new clothes, an iphone and many other treats?


Makes me feel powerless right now!

Guess ill have to let the situation just happen and deal with what ever consequences arise!

[Faded]

So, 1 year NC just over.

Went dentist last week with daughter only to see ex, her H and her 2 other children walk into the waiting room.

Next day ex sends a message through D to me asking if its ok for D to take day off school to go clothes shopping!

I told D i was not backing up that plan and was not going to condone it, Ex was supposed to take D shopping last weekend but cancelled because her car needed fixing instead.

I also said to D that it is best if her mum didnt use her as a go between for messages and that she should contact me directly to discuss such matters or even better not make requests that shouldnt be made.


So now D is having the day off school to go shopping and i feel powerless to do the right thing in terms of not letting D take time out from her education to go clothes shopping!

Im not going to put D into the middle of this by discussing this with her, ive made it clear that this isnt 'fair' in terms of my parenting and D's schooling.

How am i supposed such a situation? Inform the school of whats happening before it happens so they are aware of the current choices the mother makes.

I will not be backing the ex up with any lies to the school or any authorities should they get involved but i do feel my right to parent correctly is just being snuffed out in such a callous and thoughtless way!


Anyone else had to deal with ex partners thinking its ok to have days off school?

If anyone has followed my past on here you will know this is nto the 1st time this has happened!

The last time was a few months ago when daughter went to stay at her mums for the night and as a reward for staying at her mums for the night she had the following day off school!

As much as the daughter knows it isnt right she was sold the idea if that makes any sense. Find me a teenager that will say 'NO' to having a day off school with the promise of new clothes, an iphone and many other treats?


Makes me feel powerless right now!

Guess ill have to let the situation just happen and deal with what ever consequences arise!

[hell0kitty]

In our state, they are pretty strict about the absence rules at school.  If there is a medical appt, we must notify them 3 days in advance of the appt.  If it is for an illness, that is excused.  If the school finds out it is because you went on vacation and wanted a few extra days etc, no matter what the parent says it is unexcused and make up homework can not be done and it go towards the max before a truancy officer gets involved.  If yu wanted to, you could explain to the school that it was an unexcused absences, and then get them to write a letter as to why that is against the rules. (This is only if your state has similar rules as ours)

[Matt]

What is the custody situation?

If you have legal custody, you can probably put a stop to this.  If you don't, then you have to look at other approaches.

If you don't have legal custody, your best bet is probably to talk to your daughter about what is most important - explain to her how education affects the rest of her life, and how each year in school prepares her for the next.  So we make a decision to put education first, in almost every situation - very rare exceptions.  And we find time for other things, like shopping, when it doesn't interfere with her education.

"Next time someone wants to take you out of school, you can decide if it's what is right for you, and you can say no thanks, and suggest another time, like the weekend."  Give her the power to make decisions for herself, for her own best interests, and make it clear that you will support her doing that.

Has her mom been diagnosed yet?  Is the court process still ongoing, or could you re-open it, to get the diagnosis into the record, and change custody to prevent this stuff from happening?

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[david]

My stbx is all about appearances. If she did that I would go school and let them know what happened. They would ,of course, contact her and it wouldn't happen again.

[Faded]

What is the custody situation?

If you have legal custody, you can probably put a stop to this.  If you don't, then you have to look at other approaches.

If you don't have legal custody, your best bet is probably to talk to your daughter about what is most important - explain to her how education affects the rest of her life, and how each year in school prepares her for the next.  So we make a decision to put education first, in almost every situation - very rare exceptions.  And we find time for other things, like shopping, when it doesn't interfere with her education.

"Next time someone wants to take you out of school, you can decide if it's what is right for you, and you can say no thanks, and suggest another time, like the weekend."  Give her the power to make decisions for herself, for her own best interests, and make it clear that you will support her doing that.

Has her mom been diagnosed yet?  Is the court process still ongoing, or could you re-open it, to get the diagnosis into the record, and change custody to prevent this stuff from happening?

There is no custodial agreement but my daughter lives with me 7 days a week. Sees here mum maybe once a month but very rarely overnight anymore.
I have the child allowance so in a legal sense i would be the legal guardian as such. We both made a parental agreement (UK) but the ex has clearly broken that agreement but not worth the hassle in chasing that broken agreement as it will do nothing at best and cause more emotional anguish for D at worst.

Ex has never paid a penny towards D's upkeep/support/maintenance etc and again i will not chase any financial gains for myself or daughter as that will take money away from her other 2 children and im also financially ok currently.


So even though i declined to partake in this day off school, it is still happening!


I do nothing and say nothing then i have to deal with either the consequences, an education officer questions them in the street as D isnt in school and the police are informed and then me involved or nothing if nobody finds out. As a parent i dont feel that is fair to put me in such a position.


I visit the school and explain pre-event what is happening. D's mum gets a dressing down, gets into flip mode and alienates me even further in her own world but none the less affecting D more and more on a grand scale.


Where is the middle ground here matt?

I also have the added worry of D being taken 200 miles for a shopping trip. In a sense i dont belive the mother would do anything drastic but then i never believed she could do what she did initailly in our r/s.
We have shops a plenty only 3 miles away im a town centre so why the trip 200 miles? Should i be worried? my instincts tell me no, but my gut wants to worry a little that this maybe not just a shopping trip!


D breaks up from school for nearly 7 weeks for summer holidays in 4 days time!

So much wrong with this situation and more emotional stress for me to digest!


Why oh why did i ever meet this women!

[Faded]

Just to add she is not diagnosed with anything.
I too would not try and diagnose her, shes just highly dysfunctional/poorly educated in life itself and a label to her style of living would not either benefit me or our D unless she was prepared to come to terms with her own flaws.

Shes a fully grown leopard you could say and she isnt changing her spots for nothing or no-one and doesnt take advice, only gives it.

Court case? there has never been  court case and i dont intent on pursuing one. Ive made my choices to delete her out of my life for good and D decided with all the emotional abuse and alienating that she too would not be residing with her mum in her current form.


So next 12 hours i have to make a decision...

Go to school and express my concerns about the situation and ask them for advice and take to agro back involved in my snitching as it will be seen?

Inform the police that D is being taken 200 miles against my wishes and that i have further concerns reguarding D's welfare and ex's intentions of travelling so far?

Do nothing & be a little frantic for 24 hours and maybe expect a knock on my door from the police or a phone call from the school or maybe nothing is said and nobody is any wiser?

Decisions decisions and ones id prefer not to have to make!1

[Matt]

You need to get a solicitor and file immediately for full legal custody.

By not establishing legal custody, you are giving your ex the power to make your life and your daughter's life very complicated.  She will continue to add chaos and stress to both your lives, til you fix it by establishing full legal custody.

It should not be too hard or too expensive, since your daughter has been living with you.  A solicitor who knows the local law and procedures can tell you how the process works, how long it will take, and about what it will cost.  In the process, you can probably get child support, and maybe part of your legal costs, from your ex, so the cost for you might be even less.

I realize you prefer to stay away from the court process, but that is the only real solution, and in the end I think you will be very glad you did it.  Don't think of it as something you are doing "against Ex".  Think of it as something you need to do "for D".

About getting a diagnosis:  Discuss this with your solicitor, and make sure she has experience in cases like this.  Where I live (US state) it is a big advantage to get both parents diagnosed, so the court can take each parent's mental health into account.  Where you live, it might work differently.  The purpose of getting a diagnosis is not to help the other party - though that would be best.  The purpose is to help your daughter, but giving the court all the important information to make sure you get full custody.

[Faded]

10am i get a message from the school saying daughter is not at school and i need to contact and explain why.
So i went into school and asked if anybody had rand up concerning D's absence, the answer was 'no'.

The ex hasnt even bothered to ring school and say D is ill or explain in anyway that she will not be attending school.
I told them she went with her mum last night and explained she only visits her mum a few times a year and that im a little concerned myself.
They said they will try and contact the mother and then contact me with any update as i explained i have no contact details for the mother.


I can only think what a poor example of a parent she actually is!

[Matt]

I gave my kids (then 8 and 10) cell phones when we separated.  So I can always contact them and they can contact me.

Sometimes they forget to charge them, or leave them at home.  But after awhile they have learned.

If this happened to one of my kids, I would call the child (now 14 and 15) not the mom.

Some phones can be set up with GPS so you can find the child even if they don't pick up.

[Faded]

5pm this evening was 1st contact from D to say she is ok and on her way home in a couple of hours.
Also mentioned how she didnt have time to do the shopping they wanted to do so her mum has given her money instead!

Another epic fail!

Main concern is that D is safe, which she is.

The mother can deal with the consequences if any arise.

[Matt]

So she took D out of school on a false pretense - shopping - not a good reason anyway, and it turns out not to be true.

What did they do all day?

Was D prevented from calling you?  Can you tell her, "If that ever happens again, call me before leaving school."?

Or, "If your mom or someone else wants to take you out of school, tell your teacher that you have to call me first, and I'll come and we can all talk about it together."

[ForeverDad]

She only visits her mum a few times a year?  So you're the primary parent even if there's not much official paperwork (family court orders)?  It may be that you'll have to do some damage control periodically, but it doesn't seem to be a case of your parenting being at risk, right?

Calling the police may not be much help if you don't have a court order stating your authority, whether custody or parenting time.  Years ago when I needed help from my local police, they told me in no uncertain terms that they would not help in any non-emergency unless I had court orders in hand that made clear who had the time and made the decisions.  They told me that without orders both parents had equal rights and they wouldn't get involved unless someone called for protection.