Hope is Fading

[Think About It...]

Good Evening!

I had a very interesting session with my therapist earlier this week.  She basically challenged my right to be happy and suggested (so I felt) that I should give up on the relationship, even going as far as saying "your relationship was doomed from the beginning". At first, I was very offended by her statement, almost a little angry that she could even suggest that, knowing that I came to her to find better ways to deal with my girlfriend and help our relatinship.  After a couple days, I really started thinking about what she had said to me.

Of course, I poured myself right back into reading "Stop Walking on EggShells", and reassuring myself that I could handle this and that I was strong enough. I was determined to prove that therapist wrong!  This time, however, other things from the book stood out to me, such as "living in the moment" , practicing mindfullness, and "this is possibly how it will always be".  This made my mind, really start to focus on the "what if she doesn't ever decide to get help" and "am I happy with the way things are, right now and possibly the future if she doesn't go back to therapy"?

 I finished SWOE within a day, and picked up "High Conflict Couple".  This has been rather challenging for me to read.  Throughout the book I find myself seeing all the things I have done wrong in our relationship.  I have not been good at validating, I do allow myself to be controlled by certain things, but most of all, I have learned that I have never allowed myself to have real, true, honest feelings that I perceive as negative. And I certainly don't express them to anyone.   I don't get hurt, I get angry.  I don't get sad, I get angry.  I have never expressed my needs to her, much less myself.  And it was even easier for me not to, because of her BPD. 

I am now left to question and rationalize everything my girlfriend has said to me throughout our separation.  I am also starting to feel guilty again, because of my inadequacies and lack of feelings. Perhaps she was right when she said I had been "indifferent" towards her.    But most of all, I am questioning if I can see this through and how  do I tell her that I need to work on some things myself before allowing her back into my life; without her thinking I am abandoning her?
I know she will perceive it as so, if I say anything to her about needing a break to work on myself, in an emotional way. Perhaps I shouldn't say anything to her about it and just work on my issues while she is still not wanting to talk to me much?   

I never anticipated that this separtation would actually be beneficial, outside of me standing by patiently, providing a safe haven for her when she was ready and proving that I wouldn't abandon her like everyone else.    Again, I find that I am wrong. Again, I find myself supressing my feelings, to support hers.  I feel that I am at a fork in the road.

Has anyone else come to this crossroad?  Any advice would be greatly appreciated! 

[BobSmith]

Good Evening!

I had a very interesting session with my therapist earlier this week.  She basically challenged my right to be happy and suggested (so I felt) that I should give up on the relationship, even going as far as saying "your relationship was doomed from the beginning". At first, I was very offended by her statement, almost a little angry that she could even suggest that, knowing that I came to her to find better ways to deal with my girlfriend and help our relatinship.  After a couple days, I really started thinking about what she had said to me.

Of course, I poured myself right back into reading "Stop Walking on EggShells", and reassuring myself that I could handle this and that I was strong enough. I was determined to prove that therapist wrong!  This time, however, other things from the book stood out to me, such as "living in the moment" , practicing mindfullness, and "this is possibly how it will always be".  This made my mind, really start to focus on the "what if she doesn't ever decide to get help" and "am I happy with the way things are, right now and possibly the future if she doesn't go back to therapy"?

 I finished SWOE within a day, and picked up "High Conflict Couple".  This has been rather challenging for me to read.  Throughout the book I find myself seeing all the things I have done wrong in our relationship.  I have not been good at validating, I do allow myself to be controlled by certain things, but most of all, I have learned that I have never allowed myself to have real, true, honest feelings that I perceive as negative. And I certainly don't express them to anyone.   I don't get hurt, I get angry.  I don't get sad, I get angry.  I have never expressed my needs to her, much less myself.  And it was even easier for me not to, because of her BPD. 

I am now left to question and rationalize everything my girlfriend has said to me throughout our separation.  I am also starting to feel guilty again, because of my inadequacies and lack of feelings. Perhaps she was right when she said I had been "indifferent" towards her.    But most of all, I am questioning if I can see this through and how  do I tell her that I need to work on some things myself before allowing her back into my life; without her thinking I am abandoning her?
I know she will perceive it as so, if I say anything to her about needing a break to work on myself, in an emotional way. Perhaps I shouldn't say anything to her about it and just work on my issues while she is still not wanting to talk to me much?   

I never anticipated that this separtation would actually be beneficial, outside of me standing by patiently, providing a safe haven for her when she was ready and proving that I wouldn't abandon her like everyone else.    Again, I find that I am wrong. Again, I find myself supressing my feelings, to support hers.  I feel that I am at a fork in the road.

Has anyone else come to this crossroad?  Any advice would be greatly appreciated! 

[Blazing Star]

Hi Bob,

It sounds like you are in a good space to be looking at all of this! Awesome that you are seeing some things in your behaviour that you could change that potentially could help the relationship (I know how hard and confronting this can be too though!).

If I am reading your message correctly you feel like you want to take time to sort through some of this, but are worried that she will feel abandoned?

I think working on your stuff by yourself while you are separated is a great idea. And if you have to tell her, then perhaps you can frame it so she can see it as a positive thing - after all you are looking at Your part in it all, with the hope to make some changes for you both.

I guess ultimately I feel you have to do what you have to do, and working on ourselves is so important. You talk about suppressing your feelings to support hers - I have been there, and for me this just got to the point where I felt like I was going to explode and I recognised that I needed to change this, that in the end my suppressing wasn't helping him or me (even tho it felt like I was helping him, or it was in HIS best interests at that moment in time).

The healthier you can be, then the healthier your relationships can be!

Keep up the self examination - it is all good stuff!

Love Blazing Star

[waverider]

The problem with people who have always been abandoned, or at least tell it that way, is that the reason they are abandoned is because of the way they are. They are rarely the way they are because they have been abandoned by everyone they have ever dealt with.

Why do you think you may be able to prove yourself different? Who knows how many others have tried and failed? If the core reason for this "abandonment' remains, then the odds are either you will either give up eventually too, or at least have to modify your expectations of what you expect from a relationship, because the truth is you cannot change them. Only they can do that with a lot of ongoing help from professionals.

You cannot change them by being caring and patient, or by trying to explain things clearly. Best you can do is try not to rock the boat, expect to carry bigger burdens than would be normal, in other words it will be a compromised relationship. At times you will feel as though they are seeing sense and making big efforts to change, then it will revert. The cycle will keep repeating until you are exhausted with constantly climbing the ladder just to fall off again.

So you have to keep your eye on the big real picture and not get blinded by immediate apparent gains. Otherwise resentment sets in and this is like a cancer to any relationship. You can get over blow ups, temper tantrums, but resentment precipitates everything else.

[Auspicious]

But most of all, I am questioning if I can see this through and how  do I tell her that I need to work on some things myself before allowing her back into my life; without her thinking I am abandoning her?
I know she will perceive it as so, if I say anything to her about needing a break to work on myself, in an emotional way. Perhaps I shouldn't say anything to her about it and just work on my issues while she is still not wanting to talk to me much?   

The thing is that you can't control how she perceives things. She will often feel abandoned, whether the facts support that or not, if she has BPD.

The trick is for you to learn to stop basing your reality on what she thinks.

[BobSmith]

Thank You Blazing Star!  Your  I needed some words of encouragement!  I am definitely going to keep working on myself, regardless of what happens in the future.  I've often said to myself "I  don't know how I will respond if "this" or "that" happens.  But I am on my way to figuring that out.  The difficulty in this lies within me, I suppose.  Not as if she will feel like I have abandoned her, necessarily, but will I feel like I have abandoned her?  

WaveRider, I agree with you.  I certainly do not want to get to the point where I resent or am angry about the situation, that I have ultimately put myself in, and remain in.  I want to get things straight before I am mentally exhausted and/or screwed up.

Auspicious, I do agree with your statement as well.  I have never considered myself to "base my reality on what she thinks", I have always known that her "thoughts" are far from reality.  My reality has always been structured and logical, because that's who I am and how I think.  My place at this time, is to evaluate exactly whether or not her reality and mine can exist in the same world.  I have continually referred back to the success stories, but I never find the disclaimer, which says how many people actually recover or eventually lead "normal" lives.  It seems this time that is exactly what I am searching for.  I am now questioning her "potential" that has always kept me strong. 

Thanks Again Guys!  

[baconninja]

I'm in the same boat. I'm really working on the unpleasantness of figuring out why i'm with someone like this in the first place and why i haven't just given up and run away like any sane person would have done. In my case it's because i grew up in a BPD family. I read an excerpt of the book Understanding the Borderline Mother and realized this.

BPDs are like sirens, luring us into the rocks.
Perhaps the only way to avoid certain destruction is the light of introspection.

Peace,
BN

[flatspin]

The problem with people who have always been abandoned, or at least tell it that way, is that the reason they are abandoned is because of the way they are. They are rarely the way they are because they have been abandoned by everyone they have ever dealt with.

Why do you think you may be able to prove yourself different? Who knows how many others have tried and failed? If the core reason for this "abandonment' remains, then the odds are either you will either give up eventually too, or at least have to modify your expectations of what you expect from a relationship, because the truth is you cannot change them. Only they can do that with a lot of ongoing help from professionals.

You cannot change them by being caring and patient, or by trying to explain things clearly. Best you can do is try not to rock the boat, expect to carry bigger burdens than would be normal, in other words it will be a compromised relationship. At times you will feel as though they are seeing sense and making big efforts to change, then it will revert. The cycle will keep repeating until you are exhausted with constantly climbing the ladder just to fall off again.

So you have to keep your eye on the big real picture and not get blinded by immediate apparent gains. Otherwise resentment sets in and this is like a cancer to any relationship. You can get over blow ups, temper tantrums, but resentment precipitates everything else.

Dear waverider,

I liked your post very much but it was particularly the case regarding your first paragraph... and the last one. Yes, getting blinded by immediate gains and falling off again from the ladder... again and again and again. No wonder we get bruises...

Thanks again !

[flatspin]

But most of all, I am questioning if I can see this through and how  do I tell her that I need to work on some things myself before allowing her back into my life; without her thinking I am abandoning her?
I know she will perceive it as so, if I say anything to her about needing a break to work on myself, in an emotional way. Perhaps I shouldn't say anything to her about it and just work on my issues while she is still not wanting to talk to me much?    

The thing is that you can't control how she perceives things. She will often feel abandoned, whether the facts support that or not, if she has BPD.

The trick is for you to learn to stop basing your reality on what she thinks.

Dear Auspicious,

I totally agree with you but the problem, in my case, is that she is ruining my reality because of what she thinks...

Quite hard not to take her reality into consideration in my decisions.

[Auspicious]

What I'm suggesting is a change in your perspective, from "oh no, how will she perceive this?" to "OK, given that I can't control how she perceives things, what should I do in this situation?"

[flatspin]

What I'm suggesting is a change in your perspective, from "oh no, how will she perceive this?" to "OK, given that I can't control how she perceives things, what should I do in this situation?"

Dear Auspicious,

Thank you indeed for your kind and useful reply !

Dear BobSmith,

I really wish you find peace and ways to feel better and to cope with your difficult situation. Even if each situation is particular, we're all in the same boat and for me as well, the word "hope" is truly losing its meaning, too often unfortunately...

This site is priceless !

[yeeter]

I think this is in part what is meant by 'detachment' on this site.  In that, we have to quit worrying as much about how our significant other might feel about something, and focus on how WE feel and are affected by things.

As you do this more - you will likely be able to acknowledge her feelings better and even understand her more.  But NOT own HER feelings (her feelings are hers to deal with).

Bob, I spent some time living outside the house.  And then moved back in.  My experience was it didnt matter where I was living, to do the work on myself.  So ultimately I am on the path of staying together while I continue to work on figuring myself out.  To make this tenable, it meant "Stop making things worse", stop the JADE, some emotional detachment, etc.

But by learning these skills and practicing, the living environment is MUCH better than before - giving me some space to focus on my own stuff.

I think its a very small percentage where they fundamentally change.  But by learning some skills, getting yourself both emotionally and physically healthy, and focusing on yourself you will change the dynamics of the relationship.

[hopelessinseattle]

I never anticipated that this separtation would actually be beneficial, outside of me standing by patiently, providing a safe haven for her when she was ready and proving that I wouldn't abandon her like everyone else.    Again, I find that I am wrong. Again, I find myself supressing my feelings, to support hers.  I feel that I am at a fork in the road.

Has anyone else come to this crossroad?  Any advice would be greatly appreciated! 

I was really taken back by what you said here about providing a safe haven and proving you wouldn't abandon her like everyone else.  It actually scares me a little bit because in retrospect that is how my thoughts were 14 years ago after I started going out with my BPDw and before we were married.  Long before she was actually diagnosed.  I wanted to "rescue" her, to "fix" her, to show her that there are good people who love her, etc...

It didn't work.  I didn't rescue her, I enabled her codependence.  I didn't fix her, I filled the "hole" within her with myself - the hold that she needed to learn to be able to fill with her self.

I find myself in a 14+ year marriage that I often wish I would have gotten out of before it began.  I feel like I came to this crossroad 14 years ago, though armed with MUCH less information than you have now.  I'm not going to advise you one way or the other, just urge you to continue the self-analysis.  Ask yourself WHY you are supressing your feelings to support hers.  Is it because that's what SHE needs, or is it partially because it's what YOU need?

Good luck,
-lcf