call gone wrong

[Think About It...]

So I did it...called the police on h when he threatened suicide.  Seems like it was a HUGE mistake.  Now all the neighbors know somethings up and he is so convincing to everyone that he says they told him now u have to walk on eggshells...(police)  I have never seen anyone so convincing...he even has me convinced that I am the worst wife in the world.  The police had me call the crisis counceler on the phone...and I told her what had been going on and she said it sounded a lot like borderline...(not that she could diagnose over the phone...but after talking to h for a while he says she thinks he is fine.  And of course...now h is worse than ever

[kimberlysc]

So I did it...called the police on h when he threatened suicide.  Seems like it was a HUGE mistake.  Now all the neighbors know somethings up and he is so convincing to everyone that he says they told him now u have to walk on eggshells...(police)  I have never seen anyone so convincing...he even has me convinced that I am the worst wife in the world.  The police had me call the crisis counceler on the phone...and I told her what had been going on and she said it sounded a lot like borderline...(not that she could diagnose over the phone...but after talking to h for a while he says she thinks he is fine.  And of course...now h is worse than ever

[Blazing Star]

Oh no, sorry you feel this way. However in the long-term it might have been a good thing, as maybe he won't do it again? Given the scene it caused.

I know how horrid it feels that he is making out like he is the good guy. But HOLD ONTO YOUR TRUTH. You are doing the right things.

And it is more so important that you are focusing on You at the moment, take some time out and do some things for you. You are not the worst wife in the world! You are important and valuable and worthy (even tho he is trying to convince you otherwise). Remember this and act accordingly.

Take yourself out for a cuppa and a slice of cake, breathe.

Love Blazing Star

[pallavirajsinghani]

Kimberly, the call is not gone wrong.  You did absolutely the right thing.  And given another suicide threat, you should do absolutely the same thing...and again, and again and again.

Both the police and the crises hotline are instruments of crises intervention.  They cannot convince your husband to go for therapy, nor can they give any long term solutions.  All they can do is to avert the present crises. 

Let the neighbors think what they may, and let your husband think that you are the worst woman in the world.  We don't think that and you should not think that either. 

Do keep the focus on yourself.  One of the characteristics of this disorder is 'feelings=facts".  So if he is feeling bad, his logic will be that YOU ARE MAKING HIM FEEL BAD.  When he feels good, you will be the BEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD.  Sadly, there is no either/or for him.  This type of "black/white" thinking is also a characteristic of BPD. 

This means, that your only reality check is this board and your friends and your family and people who know you outside of his perception of you.

You will only be able to maintain personal sanity when you "disengage" and begin to focus on your own personal welfare.

Please stay with us and slowly you will begin to learn actual techniques that will help you immensely.

...and as a post-script, whenever he threatens suicide, call the police again.  Keep his suicide notes secure as evidence, his suicidal emails as evidence, buy a recorder and secretly record his threats if it comes to that...but don't waiver on this issue.  That is unquestionably the right thing to do.

By the way, please read the earlier posts of 'Aida".  She went through exactly the same experience as you did with exactly the same repercussions (being painted black).  Reading her posts and the members responses may give you additional insights into your own situation.

God bless sweetheart...you are a good and a worthy person.  I would be so proud to have you as my sister/daughter/mother/friend/aunt...

[waverider]

It was the right thing to do.

He was, and is in desperate cover up mode, they will not admit they were wrong.

But you called his bluff and now he is aware that you are willing to do so, make sure you stick to your boundary that you will do it again if it happens again, this may reduce chance of reoccurence. Plus it is on record and if the cops have to keep turning up then it wont be as easy to hide.

Tip: mobile phones can discretely record audio. Good to know for your own personal safety

[Dynamic]

Kimberly,
You did the right thing in calling the police. Now this suicide threat is on record as is the one in March. The two threats on record is already proof of his condition.

Whether he admits or not, you are the best thing that has happened to him. Most people would leave, had they been in such a situation. Don't worry about what your h or neighbors say or think.

You should be proud of yourself for going on day four without smoking.     

[yeeter]

Keep it up Kimberly!

The first time he can fool the neighbors, police. Maybe even th second time.

About the 5th or 7th or 11th time, they will have long figured it out and swing your way for support because they will be seeing what you have to live with.

If it happens again, call again.  If they get annoyed with the calls then they will have to address the cause of them (your h )
 


( and keep all the notes, and post on this board every Time it happens.  A good way to document )

[Aida]

Kimberly,

I was wearing the same pair of moccacins you are, right at this very moment, just a few weeks ago. Like you, I thought it was a HUGE mistake for a very long time. This is why I know I did the right thing: She has stop threatening and has started problem solving instead. It got worse for a while but recently, she has started doing things differently. She is now focusing more on her artwork and, now that I think about it, she is blaming me less.

Yes, it made a big horrible scene. That's what I was thinking about, too. So what! The worst thing they can think is, there is trouble down there, in that house. Then by tomorrow they forget about it. On some deep level, I realized--because of the people who helped me on this board--that I was doing the only truly loving thing I could do. If we do not take their threats seriously, we are saying, by our actions, that we do no care whether they live or die.

Your husband is mad now, but he is always mad. He is just mad--der. The scene and the way he brilliantly turned the police on you really does not register in the whole sceme of things. Besided, your H is doing exactly what borderlines do: They turn things around so masterfully, that they make us believe that we are in the wrong, that it is all our fault, everything that is dark and bad in their lives. Calling the police is the first--second time now--that you have begun to turn that cycle around.

Another good thing happened for you: you planted a seed of self respect. By calling, there was a tiny voice inside you, even if you couldn't hear it over the pumping of your own adrenaline, the shouts of your husband, and the sarcastic voices of police officers who don't konw you, that guided you to finally stand up and say, "This has to stop!"

You spoke with the woman on the crisis line; that was brave. Do you see how you need your own advocate? Call and make the appt. with the abuse center. He doesn't need to know about it. It is better if he doesn't. It's for you, not him.

I am in awe of the people here who have supported you on this board. You already have a second family. You are loved.

You did the right thing, Kimberly. I promise.

Aida

[suzn]

So I did it...called the police on h when he threatened suicide.  Seems like it was a HUGE mistake.  Now all the neighbors know somethings up and he is so convincing to everyone that he says they told him now u have to walk on eggshells...(police)  I have never seen anyone so convincing...he even has me convinced that I am the worst wife in the world.  The police had me call the crisis counceler on the phone...and I told her what had been going on and she said it sounded a lot like borderline...(not that she could diagnose over the phone...but after talking to h for a while he says she thinks he is fine.  And of course...now h is worse than ever

Kimberly as I read through what you said, here are a few things I notice. First of all, the police had you call the crisis center..they wouldn't have you do this if they thought there wasn't a problem. They are helping you reach out to the resources availible to you. Making sure you do in fact. This is good. This is building a case so to speak. There is record being made of his behaviors. Make no mistake, the police deal with this sort of thing all the time, they did believe you or they wouldn't have had you call the crisis center. Do you see this?

Secondly, the statements made that your H is ok were made by him..not the police..not the crisis center. You know he's not ok, or wasn't ok. Every time he threatens suicide, he's not ok. People who threaten suicide as a manipulation tactic don't see the position they put another person in. It is not ok to do this to someone. Standing your ground and showing him you will not accept this treatment is the right thing to do, for you and for your children.

I know this is terribly hard. We are here for you. Keep us posted on how you're doing. 

[kimberlysc]

Thank u for all of the replies...they all help a lot.  I am now glad I called the police.  I wish o had read aidas thread before calling..then I would have known what it would be like.  There were 2 police officers...one went with me to a neigbors house...and one stayed with him.  Mine said that this happens all the time (sad).  He then said I should get a warrant from the courthouse after hearing my side.  But they were closed.  These police officers were much nicer than the first ones.  I am actually pretty sure they believed it now...they just couldn't do anything because he said he just said something he shouldn't have once...arguing (also immpossible since with him u cant talk at all) over stupid things he said. 
So today he knows what it feels like to be me...only he thinks it is not fair...and how can I ruin his life like this?  There will be more days where calling will be necessary...he says trust has been broken...he is right. 

[Dynamic]

Kimberly,
You see, the police did take you seriously after all. He cannot continue to convince them if this happens repeatedly.

Don't bother about his reaction. Safety comes first above all. Do not defend your decision to call the police. Gently but firmly let him know that you would call the police again if there is another suicide threat.

[iluminati]

I wouldn't sweat your husband's reaction.  Eventually the police or the mental health authorities will have enough of a paper trail to do a 72 hour hold and give your husband a formal diagnosis.  Sadly, the biggest single source of BPD diagnoses is on psych wards and mental health facilities.  This is what he needs to figure out what's wrong.  He needs to hit bottom. 

Good luck! 

[Blazing Star]

Hi Kim,

I am so glad that you are feeling better about calling the police, it is hard and scary, but you are doing great!

There will be more days where calling will be necessary...he says trust has been broken...he is right. 

Yes trust has been broken, he can no longer trust you to co-conspire and to feel manipulated by his threats, of course he is angry over this. Think of it like a child, everyday you give in to their pleas for more sweets, until one day you realise that all these sweets aren't good for them, and so you say no, they are pissed off bc you are no longer acting the way you used to, they aren't getting what they want...but as they grow older they will realise that you acted this way bc you care about them.

Let his words float over your head like a whispy cloud, perhaps an angry grey one, but one you can easily breathe a breath of calm into and watch it float away and disperse.

Look after yourself, and stay strong. Check in here whenever you need to, there is lots of support here for you.

Love Blazing Star xx

[waverider]

Let his words float over your head like a whispy cloud, perhaps an angry grey one, but one you can easily breathe a breath of calm into and watch it float away and disperse.

Love these words, this is exactly what i find I am capable of doing at the moment. A kind of disassociation, its as if I am not there hearing them directed at me but rather I am eavesdropping on someone being lectured in the next room. I hear enough to get the gist and insert necessary responses, but not so fully impacted by them that I am capable of concentrating on other tasks while hearing this. This goes a long way to reducing frustration and resentment. An area in which I am targeting my efforts. Reflective listening is good, but there comes a time when you have to switch it off for your own good. It helps as a breather before you reach the time out dysregulation trigger

Only trouble I have sometimes is the re associating (coming back from the next room) once the storm has past

[Aida]

Kimberly,

You are a strong and wise woman. I am guessing you are decades younger than I am, because my daughters are all grown up, and yours are still yound; yet, your uncanny wisdom and understanding of the situation is serving you well.  You said, in reference to your husband's comment about trust being broken, that, yes, indeed it HAS! We know you meant your faith and trust in HIM. This puts you leaps and bounds ahead of me. I got stuck on her telling me that I had breached trust with her. I believed her for so long! Damn.

  Well, like you so brilliantly ascertained, what about how our beloveds break trust with us every single time they threaten to end their lives--and tell us it will be our faults?

Yes, the police are on your side. You are strong and smart.

"You have brains in your head and feet in your shoes!" (Dr. Suess). You are going to be just fine. Keep up the good fight.

Thank you for enlightening me with your wisdom today.

Let me know when you have an appointment with your therapist lined up. I'll let you know what happens in mine.

With open arms,
Aida

[pallavirajsinghani]

What is the definition of "trust"?

Let us examine the literal dictionary meaning of this term.

noun
1.
reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2.
confident expectation of something; hope.
3.
confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit: to sell merchandise on trust.
4.
a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.
5.
the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.

So, what exactly out of the above 5 did you break?  To the contrary, you upheld the trust.  He is trusting that he will be saved.  He was...with your actions...by having the competent and appropriate authorities intervene and by your appropriate judgement in involving them.  You put together an entire crisis intervention team for his benefit.  You could have buried your head in the sand and run away and checked yourself into a motel and said to yourself,  "Too bad sucker...if you wanna die...be my guest".  No, you did not do that.  You upheld his trust, you did not break it.

Each and everytime there are vague or explicit threats of suicide or even self-harm...call the police.  Record everything, save the emails, save the voice mails...

Harness the female energy of the universe around you...harness our collective energy on this board.  Come into the daylight.  The monsters of the night threatening you, scaring you, forcing you to smoke...these are but balloons full of air in the light of the day.  One little poke of your sharp intelligence and one little poke of your insight into reality will do nothing else but blow these threatening monsters into shrivelled balloons.

Keep this image in your mind.  When he rages, it is his disease making noise.  Tune out the words, just look at it as a huge balloon with little seeds inside shaking...making a lot of noise.

Wizard of Oz was indeed scary...because of the mechanics utilized.

The noise is to distract you from the truth.  And the truth is that if you discover the truth that the wizard of oz has no real power or stature, then it will be but a scared, shrivelled harmless balloon.

Trust your insights.  Trust your intelligence.  Trust your courage.  Trust your power.