Why do you stay with pwBPD?

[Think About It...]

Hi,

I am really questioning what it in the world I am thinking...  The daily conflict is not making me happy at all, and I am nearly 50 years old and think that having peace in the next decade would be a good thing.  Every single day there is some new drama or some repeated drama about utter nonsense.

So why do you stay with pwBpd?  Are you stuck?  Do you have a choice?  In my case I was separated from her for a few months and thought she would be different, but boy was I wrong about that.  There is no peace; or I should say there is conflict every day that I do not want.

Why do you stay?  Please tell me if you would.

Thanks

[Knight]

Hi,

I am really questioning what it in the world I am thinking...  The daily conflict is not making me happy at all, and I am nearly 50 years old and think that having peace in the next decade would be a good thing.  Every single day there is some new drama or some repeated drama about utter nonsense.

So why do you stay with pwBpd?  Are you stuck?  Do you have a choice?  In my case I was separated from her for a few months and thought she would be different, but boy was I wrong about that.  There is no peace; or I should say there is conflict every day that I do not want.

Why do you stay?  Please tell me if you would.

Thanks

[rock and a hardplace]

knight, hi there. I struggle with the same question. I also struggle with having compassion for her at times. I think some people on the board stay because of children or its a family member. Seems most of the ones who have a choice about it, are staying if the SO, is showing any attempt at therapy or doing something about their BPD.
  Im fairly new here, so im not one to give the best advice. Im like alot of others here, who have a choice, but are still struggling in their mind whether to stay or leave. Im leaning towards leaving lately, these days.
   You say you have a choice in the matter and you'd like to have peace in ur life in the last decade. I think you could have peace and you could even meet someone later, who wouldnt give you such grieve. Guess its all what we're willing to put up with, of course using the tools and boundary lessons here. Ive been trying to set boundaries with mine, but because she most of the time has no insight or desire to change her situation, she disrespects and ignores my boundaries, pushing me to the point where soon i will have no choice in my mind, but to leave. Hope any of this makes sense or helps out a bit. Good luck my friend. You deserve to have all the peace, love and solitude in the world, if you so want it.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[DaVincian]

I'm somewhat surprised not more has answered this question since we all here did stay at one time or another for our BPD.

I continue to see mine bc he (43) is self sufficient, clean, has his own home alone and enjoys sex safe just as much as i do.

 This forum also has made it possible for me to continue to care for him in a manner most productive for us both. When he dysregulates , i know what to do now, that is to go NC or LC because he also does the silent treatment but i actually have a real life that prevents me (53) from halting it while wondering what he is doing in his, i know now, pretty boring existence. I see what occurs with him as our time outs, it works since i cant do 24/7 r/s or cohabiting. He comes backs       for about 4 weeks then he turns back into     for weeks up to 2 months. I have a life so i really dont care anymore about his btching, name calling or silent treatments, for he never does it in my presence because he cant, i wont allow it. I know its not about me after he told me how he was treated by his father as a child and after learning what is BPD.

 We are going on 2 years now thanks to this forum  

We will never be The Couple.    

[NeedHelpGR]

Hey Knight  Hi!

I've stayed as long as I have (10+) years with my uBPD/NPDw for a couple of reasons.  The biggest is our S10.  I've tried very hard to be the stabilizing force in his life.  When he was younger and my wife would rage, I would try to explain in to him in simple terms.  "Mom gets really mad sometimes, but don't worry.  She'll get over it pretty soon."  Now that he's older, I face another challenge.  Not only does she try to monopolize S10's time, she does her best to drive wedges between us.  If I tell him it's time for bed, she might say, "I thought he could stay up later tonight and watch TV with me."  S10 then says something like, "yeah Dad!"  He says that in the same condescending tone of voice my wife uses with me.

At this point, leaving may be better than staying.  That way, I'll at least have exclusive time with S10 out of earshot of his mother.  I can try to counteract some of the brainwashing I feel she's doing.  She often tries to eavesdrop on our conversations. 

The other reason I stay is because, until 5 months ago, I didn't know what BPD was.  The possibility of my W having a personality disorder never crossed my mind.  When our marriage started going downhill almost immediately, I attributed it to a host of personal challenges we faced. That, and FOO issues my wife had that I still don't know much about.  She's very protective of that information. 

For years, I held out hope that our storm would eventually blow over.  It's been one challenge after another.  But now that I'm learning more about personality disorders, I doubt it ever will.   

[artman.1]

     I have been married to my UBPDW for 44 years, after 1 - 2 years she stopped giving her part of intimacy, but allowed me to give my part, hugs, kisses, and even sex. Then about 38 years ago, she started cheating and filed for divorce.  We had three sons 3, 4, & 5 years old.  Her BPD sister was getting a divorce and wanted company.  We went through the beginning and she was scared by the MC, and after her Sis, was divorced and got little, and needed somplace to live, I allowed her to stay with us.  Within two days they were fighting and my UBPDW wanted to reconcile.  We did, and soon thereafter, I moved my family 1500 miles North.  About 2-3 years after moving, my UBPDW cut off all Intimacy, even holding hands.  This was 36 years ago.  A year and half ago, I discovered she is BPD, and I am Codependent.  I have been working on myself ever since.
     Why do I stay?  I cannot say I am getting anything from this RS.  I have become the "Lonely Guy", even while with my UBPDW.  So, Why?  I guess Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG), but FOG is not a good reason.  This is a totally loveless marriage.  It is all about her.  Why?  I have a Plan.  After I Retire soon, this year, I will File for a Divorce.  My Income will then be reduced to a leval that I will not be punished for the rest of my life with a high cost to support her while I am gone and single.  After all I need a life as well.  Life is not very often fair and/or Kind to us.

Art

[nobody]

I am also in a very similar situation. My wife and I just sseparated in June. I deserately  wanted her to stay( she left me).  But as time has gone on I feel more peaceful about  it. I am still VERY lonely. I am unemployed, but have  money... lots, actually, so I  am comfortable  with that as long as I watch my budget. I am depressed, so at this time I am staying home not doing much. Getting out is a chore. BUT, I am trying to go out some. I go to a local comedy club on tuesday nights and  have seen some movies(alone)... and I love to boat and fish, so I take my two dogs with me. I dont have a lot of friends.

 I  miss my wife. I do love her. But, I also  am so tired of the almost constant fighting. She  asked me why I was frustrated in an email, and I replied as openly and honestly as I  could. Her reply was  hateful.  So self-centered on herself. She  has said she didnt want to  really talk on the phone.  Didnt make plans to see me  this weekend( we didnt see each other last weekend), so it will be a string of  20 days without seeing each other.  She did call me yesterday and we argued once again... about my going to the comedy club of all things.  I finally just said," I dont thing we should see each other".  I think it caught her by surprize. She asked for how long and if I wanted to end the relationship. I am not ready to end it( I still love her and have some hope).  So, I said that we should have NC until next tuesday, which is the day after my next counseling session.  She agreed.  So now, I have to  figure out  what to do with myself for a few days without IMing her  or emailing... Thank God the British Open is on right now! Haha!

 Seriously, to answer your question on why we stay with our BPDs... we are addicted to them.  My counselor said  that to me. I am addicted to her.  It is hard to admit it. We discussed  making a list of the pros and the cons about  my wife, whether I should stay in the relationship or leave...  if a stranger was observing and making the list, what would thay say. The overwhelming answer would be to leave. But I still hold on to the good things with and about her.  Somehow I dismiss the bad things.  My counselor has helped a lot. A different perspective.  A "real person"  view.  If you dont have someone  professional to talk to, get one.  Read books on helping yourself. I am currently reading " Anger Kills", which is designed for  people to try  to  calm themselves when in an arguement( I get really worked up).  It  is an excellent read and the strategies are very helpful.

I hope this helps you.  It hepled me!
 

[LostinBPDland]

I can simply put it this way:  I thought I could save her, I thought she needed me to conquer BPD and I thought things would get better.  I found the exact opposite is true.  The day I realized that was liberating and sad all at once.

[Knight]

LostInBPdLand,

I couldn't have said it better.  That's where I am at now.   No matter what I do, it makes no difference.  This all makes no sense to me; until I realize that it will never make sense.  I can not fix her.

Thanks to everyone for their help.  I am a logical person, and it helps me to ask you and hear your side of it.

[HardDaysNight]

Hi,

I am really questioning what it in the world I am thinking...  The daily conflict is not making me happy at all, and I am nearly 50 years old and think that having peace in the next decade would be a good thing.  Every single day there is some new drama or some repeated drama about utter nonsense.

So why do you stay with pwBpd?  Are you stuck?  Do you have a choice?  In my case I was separated from her for a few months and thought she would be different, but boy was I wrong about that.  There is no peace; or I should say there is conflict every day that I do not want.

Why do you stay?  Please tell me if you would.

Thanks

It is cliche but I stay for the children.  It is this simple.  I have minimized the time the kids are alone with her, 2 hours max a day.  I do the morning routine, the night routine, shop, clean, make lunches, help with homework etc.  I dedicate my weekends to them except for 1 Saturday night a month or every other month. 

They have minimum time alone with mom, get a relatively stress free start and end to their day with a good lunch in between.

After I learned of BPD I stepped up and do not let her disregulate on the children.  I confront her disregulation with calm, reason and explanation.  I don_

[pallavirajsinghani]

My brother has stayed and will continue to stay for the sake of the children.  They have made separate lives totally.  She has her independent life, he has his.  He is faithful...hers is not clear.  He has dedicated himself completely to his children's welfare.  They live under the same roof in a 3.5 Million dollar mansion with two live in maids.  She has her top of the line cars, European vacations without him, designer clothes, "upper crust" society friends.  She is totally NC with us and he is totally NC with her family.  Each gets to take the kids to their own families one day a week.

My brother is very lonely of course.  We do not see him smiling much...and this is the one guy who used to get everyone laughing in convulsions before his marriage...

We support him totally, even though we wish he had a spouse who loved him.

There is no right or wrong decision.  It depends what you want to do...the choice is yours...whether you stay or leave, this board will always be entirely committed to your welfare.  If you decide to stay, we will give you tools to make your stay as good as possible and if not, we will help you do that in as emotionally healthy way as possible.  Whether stay or go...this board will never lose respect for you and for your decision.

[Sensitive Man]

Knight, I deal with that same issue so very much each day. For me, it's a combo of FOG, fear, obligation, and guilt. I also am a hopeful guy that is wondering if my BPDw is going to turn herself around. She has done all kinds of therapies, and so have I. Yet, she always reverts one time or another. Then, she says she appreciates me. So, needless to say, I really can't trust her. I am almost 68 and have been married to her for the last 11 years. She was fine and lovey dovey at first. Then, she slowly but surely changed. I have validated her. I loved her. I have given a lot to her. I give her her space. We were a great couple for about half the time, but she is so introspective, so reclusive, and oftentimes abusive. When I was in the hospital a couple of months ago for chest pains for 4 days, she only called me once a day. She didn't even come to visit me. So, why do I stay with her? It's because I have been hopeful. Nevertheless, I am looking for apartments. Once and if I feel so lonely and once and if she becomes abusive in any way, I am out of here. My friends and relatives have all said to leave and wonder why I am here.

[Parrot Pill]

At this point I am staying for a few reasons. 1) for our d8. She has anxiety and especially separation anxiety and I think it would really throw her if we divorced. 2) I have been a stay at home parent since d8 was born, and have also had serious health issues that prevented me from working. I'm doing well now, and looking for work, but until I get a job with benefits I really can't go anywhere. 3) DH is supposedly working on his issues...  Tho he moves so slowly, and seems to need me to push him at every step, so that doesn't count for much anymore. 4) I'm having a hard time letting go of the Happy Family dream, even tho it is painfully obvious that is just a fantasy for us. It's like I still want a chance to do all the things we dreamed of doing together... Even tho I now see that he was simply mirroring my dreams, not sharing them, a d he hadn't ry developed enough of a self to have dreams of his own.,.
I guess it's mainly finances and fear of disproval at this point. Two problems I'm actively working to overcome.

[andywho]

Hiyas.

I stay for several reasons.

I just learned what BPD is and i want to give the RS a chance now that i have more knowledge.

We have a one year old son together, and i feel he deserves that i try. Problem here is that im thorn as i also have a daughter at 14 from an earlier marriage that my GF isnt to fond of it seems.

We do have our good times.

Have tried to leave her once and was willing to let her go when she threatened to leave me for not getting her will. Both times i ended up feeling heartless and cold and couldnt go trough with it.

And also becaurse she dont understand that she as any sort of illness. Meaning she would never understand why i leave her.


Andy

[gina louise]

I stayed with my first (EXH) because of the kids-we had 4. Tried to leave once and had no way to support myself fully at age 38 so...I finally went back after 6 months separation.
when I left for good the kids were all well grown-my oldest was past 26 years old, next one was married with a baby... my youngest was over 21.
My ExH (probable) Npd went on and on how I had *ABANDONED* the family! Like they were babies in diapers and left on a doorstep! he filed for D one week after I rented an apt. that was weird. Never tried to fight for the r/s at all.
Unbelievable. He tried very hard to poison them against me. and hung on to all the material goods that we earned together as his spoils. I didn't care..I wanted out. what relief!

Now I am married to a probable pwBPD...who wants to support me, and will gladly give me the shirt off his back- what a difference in personalities.

But with BPD, still its not easy to stay. the push/pulls are difficult. the blame and rages are impossible and painful. they erode the foundation of what we have as a r/s.
I shared a little of the ups and downs with family and friends- but I get the *Look* of mingled pity and disbelief...and the *leave the jerk* counseling. As a result-I share less and less.

For now I am staying...my H is committed to change, improvement and self reflection..and has made some marked progress. I am committed to using the tools and taking care of myself...both parts are helping us communicate better.

GL