NEED INSIGHT. IN THE DARK

[Think About It...]

I began my journey thru these boards over a year ago,  learning about BPD.    This is my 1st time under this category.  I never wanted to be here...

I lied to her (actually embellished to impress &  protect myself from something.  I was weak & been paying hell for it ever since).  Endured social suicide as the smear campaign threw me to the dogs, lost my job due to her."revenge",  many friends -  even a few of my own family members.  The devils advocate forced me into awkward, painfully personal situations where I felt forced to reveal my own history of sexual abuse as a kid.  This was her chosen "ammo" and she tracked people down to tell them, also revealed it to mutual people we knew only thru social networking.

Before anyone just asks WTH id still want with this woman,  well - I didn't call her my best friend for yrs before falling in love with her like THIS.   But here's what's up presently:

I guess we "broke up" thru process of resorting to just email the past year, the long distance ignoring spells, her giving me the royal putoff, mixed with encouragement that she was just "depressed, empty, numb, busy,  internet problems, phone problems, storms, family problems, pondering, vacations, didn't know what she wanted".    I've stayed loyal, tried to be there best I could during some real hard times in her life considering the limitations of just having my written words to "reach" her.  Its felt undignified & like a prison.  Almost a year since a phone conversation.  Haven't seen her in 17mos when we made intense love like crazy (yes that was after these superficial "lies" were known and before the telltale smear campaign).  

At some pt via trial & error, it became clear she didn't consider or want a relationship anymore.   She won't return a sentimental ring I gave her,  exchange stuff, or actually SAY WTH is going on.  I've asked clearly.    Nothing.   Ignored.    She claims we're not just email buddies but makes NO effort to any other suggestions.   She comes &  goes (usually mid-conversation, might drop off by posing a question then I look like an idiot for 2-3wks before she comes back).    I've given up "worrying" about her because I know the routine.  She is nonchalant upon return, terse replies.  

She is famous for nothing ever being "any big deal" & knows i find it all extremely selfish & beyond RUDE.    I've said if she just doesn't wanna contact anymore let me know.  She won't.   She won't even say if she still has any love for me at all or if she plain hates me.   Neither!  Like I don't even ask WTH?  

So here we are in some pseudo "friend" mode when she makes no effort to ever listen to anything going on in MY life, has left me alone in very bad times that id never ask her to face alone, gives me the icy shoulder, saying she will "never forget" what I "did" to her periodically.  I've tried to explain what forgiveness is vs forgetting.  She knows no difference.  Even though I've extended it to her after all I described.  

I want to know WHAT she's trying to do?  Why won't she release the hooks, tell me to Fvck OFF, say goodbye, SOME semblance of closure?  There was the proverbial time when she was so clingy and hung onto my every word, looked up to me, elated me.  Classic traits.  What do you think she really thinks of me?  If she detested me, she should have no problem telling me off like I've known her to do many people - just not me.  Does she not think I deserve such dignity?  Is she waiting on something?    All I know is I've reached the end of my rope and cannot continue like this.  When I read about this, I know its hard to tell, but does she sound like an eventual ~ type?  

Advise.  Thanks

[Whitefang]

I began my journey thru these boards over a year ago,  learning about BPD.    This is my 1st time under this category.  I never wanted to be here...

I lied to her (actually embellished to impress &  protect myself from something.  I was weak & been paying hell for it ever since).  Endured social suicide as the smear campaign threw me to the dogs, lost my job due to her."revenge",  many friends -  even a few of my own family members.  The devils advocate forced me into awkward, painfully personal situations where I felt forced to reveal my own history of sexual abuse as a kid.  This was her chosen "ammo" and she tracked people down to tell them, also revealed it to mutual people we knew only thru social networking.

Before anyone just asks WTH id still want with this woman,  well - I didn't call her my best friend for yrs before falling in love with her like THIS.   But here's what's up presently:

I guess we "broke up" thru process of resorting to just email the past year, the long distance ignoring spells, her giving me the royal putoff, mixed with encouragement that she was just "depressed, empty, numb, busy,  internet problems, phone problems, storms, family problems, pondering, vacations, didn't know what she wanted".    I've stayed loyal, tried to be there best I could during some real hard times in her life considering the limitations of just having my written words to "reach" her.  Its felt undignified & like a prison.  Almost a year since a phone conversation.  Haven't seen her in 17mos when we made intense love like crazy (yes that was after these superficial "lies" were known and before the telltale smear campaign).  

At some pt via trial & error, it became clear she didn't consider or want a relationship anymore.   She won't return a sentimental ring I gave her,  exchange stuff, or actually SAY WTH is going on.  I've asked clearly.    Nothing.   Ignored.    She claims we're not just email buddies but makes NO effort to any other suggestions.   She comes &  goes (usually mid-conversation, might drop off by posing a question then I look like an idiot for 2-3wks before she comes back).    I've given up "worrying" about her because I know the routine.  She is nonchalant upon return, terse replies.  

She is famous for nothing ever being "any big deal" & knows i find it all extremely selfish & beyond RUDE.    I've said if she just doesn't wanna contact anymore let me know.  She won't.   She won't even say if she still has any love for me at all or if she plain hates me.   Neither!  Like I don't even ask WTH?  

So here we are in some pseudo "friend" mode when she makes no effort to ever listen to anything going on in MY life, has left me alone in very bad times that id never ask her to face alone, gives me the icy shoulder, saying she will "never forget" what I "did" to her periodically.  I've tried to explain what forgiveness is vs forgetting.  She knows no difference.  Even though I've extended it to her after all I described.  

I want to know WHAT she's trying to do?  Why won't she release the hooks, tell me to Fvck OFF, say goodbye, SOME semblance of closure?  There was the proverbial time when she was so clingy and hung onto my every word, looked up to me, elated me.  Classic traits.  What do you think she really thinks of me?  If she detested me, she should have no problem telling me off like I've known her to do many people - just not me.  Does she not think I deserve such dignity?  Is she waiting on something?    All I know is I've reached the end of my rope and cannot continue like this.  When I read about this, I know its hard to tell, but does she sound like an eventual ~ type?  

Advise.  Thanks

[faithfull]

Sorry that you are going thru this. I have been there.

They won't give you closure. It is like a baby who finds a new toy. She keeps old toys somewhere safe to play with them when she bores from new one.

I know this is so cruel, but it is in your best interest to protect yourself from this selfish kid...

[myself]

Why won't she release the hooks, tell me to Fvck OFF, say goodbye, SOME semblance of closure?  

All I know is I've reached the end of my rope and cannot continue like this.

Wow. Sorry you're going through this, sounds like it's really wearing you down. I highlighted the above two sentences, but your whole story here makes me want to ask: This is a 'friend' of yours? It seems you've already answered that question describing her actions. You're also saying you can't continue with this anymore. So: Don't.

You wonder when she'll say goodbye? Why wait for her to say it? You asked for advice. I don't know you. But that doesn't sound anywhere near what a friend of mine would be like. You don't have to wait for her to end it. You can walk away at any time. I'm in a similar situation in some ways, and I'm giving myself this same advice. What's really keeping you connected with her? She doesn't sound like she's going to change, but you sure can. Best of luck. Believe in yourself. Then you'll do what's best for you.

[Whitefang]

FAITHFUL:  I like your analogy to being the "old toy".  Ironic because she also saved a ton of stuff from her childhood.  She has a 2nd house just to keep these things she can't part with.  Very organized & meticulously stored.  On occasion, she rummages through these tangible "memories". 

RED:  I can appreciate your cut & dried response but could you elaborate on specific reasons?  Does your wisdom come from experience?

MYSELF:  She has done a complete 180 so I can't help but want her to "turn back" into the generous, sweet lady I fell in love with.  Its so hard to be dismissed in such a rude, unforgiving way, discarded like a piece of trash after we spent years seemingly "understanding" each other.  Our thoughts were similar and we finished each others sentences.  Inseperable without a single disagreement for years until sht hit the fan.  We bonded very strongly during times that would have been unbearable.  A lot of history she seems to forget.   It seems only "in the end" these relationships seem one-sided because only ONE of us seems to feel the loss and retain the memories. Its been hard for me to forgive her & never be validated or appreciated for doing so...Its a paradox as to WHY she won't just let me go.  I've hung on all this time & she seems to be stuck back at ground zero.  It takes more than balls to just "walk away" when I know SOMEwhere in there has GOT to be the person I love.  I don't like failure, rejection or giving up on somebody who has major problems - but if my sacrifices are taken for granted, I will have to...I've been working a lot on trying to recognize the codependency & find something that can be my sense of "closure".  Still hunting...

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[MaybeSo]

Stop waiting and remove the hooks yourself.

This will give you the experience of taking responsibility of your own life and your own emotions, happiness, grief, etc. (the antithesis of codependence) This is your job, not hers.

This will teach her, and more importantly
yourself,  that you value and respect yourself.

[Whitefang]

MAYBESO:  I know you're right.  Its just nature for most ppl to seek closure.  I just need to find how to do that on my own.  It always seems hard to admit you still love somebody who's doing this to you now, but hopefully its understood I'm not just a glutton for punishment.  When I think of all the good things we did for each other mutually & times we had, this is the part I miss.  Its like a person has died but not really.  Just sucks to know you won't be remembered with any fondness at all. Just disdain & warped "memories" from their end.  It doesn't really matter she will continue this toxic cycle with new people in the future.  It matters that I invested so much to someone I was committed to spending my life with and was attached to the kids -  that will never understand.  I am nostalgic (as she was) & you wouldn't believe the fire &  intensity between us...it just all sucks & I have trouble thinking of anyone else after that.   The good part was the best and set the bar extremely high.

[MaybeSo]

I absolutely understand the intensity, and the passion, and the life plans, and the kids, and the good times. I was in a r/s like this for five years, so you know, I get it. Truly.  I also understand that my ex has a disordered way of thinking and behaving in relationships there's not anything I can do about it. All my love, all the best sex  in the world, won't change him. I can't wait to take my cues from him regarding my life and my own emotional states, because when I do that, I suffer horribly, because I'm allowing a disordered person to lead, while I wait to see what they will do next. Closure always comes down to a personal process going on inside if you, anyway, it's not dependent on someone else. Sure a clean and clear parting of ways is desirable if a r/s has to end. But often that's not how a r/s ends and it's never that way with a pwBPD. Radical acceptance in your own heart and mind will provide so much more peace than waiting and worrying about what she will do next. Radical acceptance, and time. This leads to closure.