probe or what?

[Think About It...]

I have been commited to leaving and staying out of the relationship. My ex haas expressed the same. We both went nc. I thought I could stay strong to this. I was contacted by her concerning a mutal friend. At first I ignored her call, then she sent a text asking me to call so she could explain what was going on with friend. So after we talked that ended. I talked with friend who was very depressed, but it seemed to help for us to talk. He said my ex- was really wanting me and him to stay friends, he said that confused him alot. even though he valued our friendship, he said it would be hard do to my ex and me. Then late saturday night I recieved a text message from ex. stating some things about herself, that showed she had made some self improvement on her behalf. When I responded to tetx she asked to call me. She sound very happy to hear from me. She then called later the same day, just to talk. But she is commited to staying out of the relationship. My question, Is this a probe on her behalf, or just using me as a comfort zone. To keep me close. Kinda making sure in her mind im still here for her. After the last conversation she seemed to once again lose interest in talking again. very hard to make sense. I feel like im done with it all, but Im confused why she keeps reaching out for me. I know nc is the best and every time Im commited to it and ignore her calls she find a sneaky way to get me to answer. I know I have to figure out a way to stick to it, no matter what. but on her half I cant figure why the hot/cold from day to day.

[mitchell16]

I have been commited to leaving and staying out of the relationship. My ex haas expressed the same. We both went nc. I thought I could stay strong to this. I was contacted by her concerning a mutal friend. At first I ignored her call, then she sent a text asking me to call so she could explain what was going on with friend. So after we talked that ended. I talked with friend who was very depressed, but it seemed to help for us to talk. He said my ex- was really wanting me and him to stay friends, he said that confused him alot. even though he valued our friendship, he said it would be hard do to my ex and me. Then late saturday night I recieved a text message from ex. stating some things about herself, that showed she had made some self improvement on her behalf. When I responded to tetx she asked to call me. She sound very happy to hear from me. She then called later the same day, just to talk. But she is commited to staying out of the relationship. My question, Is this a probe on her behalf, or just using me as a comfort zone. To keep me close. Kinda making sure in her mind im still here for her. After the last conversation she seemed to once again lose interest in talking again. very hard to make sense. I feel like im done with it all, but Im confused why she keeps reaching out for me. I know nc is the best and every time Im commited to it and ignore her calls she find a sneaky way to get me to answer. I know I have to figure out a way to stick to it, no matter what. but on her half I cant figure why the hot/cold from day to day.

[sirhero]

She may just be using you as an emotional crutch or she may have really been concerned for your mutual friend. I've found that NC isn't for everyone and just because it may the best method doesn't mean it may be the best method for you. If you're to keep LC with her just make sure you worry more about yourself rather than what going on in her mind. As I'm sure you know their feelings change from moment to moment and we really can't try to put logic behind that as it'll really just stress us out and drain us.

I am at the moment very LC with my ex and oddly enough I find it helping me heal as strange as that sounds, because I get to see these patterns up close. I too have seen signs of "self improvement" on her end for a moment and then she's back to her usual ways. Sadly mostly everything with them is a fleeting moment.

[Thepatman]

TRANGULATION is what bit is.

Run as fast as you can. friends come and go, but your life only once.

[mitchell16]

Thepatman, I never thought of it as trigulation. But I guess it can be. it seemed once she got me started engaging her in conversation. She once again seemed like she lost interests. She started in with the same ole stuff, of she trying to improve herself and working on herself. She is trying to get things in her life, on order. blah, blah. Of course I do relize that I will not figure out her real motive and would probably drive meyself crazy trying to. But it really does confuse me of the angle she attempt. I did talk to friend and he was really depressed and it did seem to cheer him up. But then she kept calling and reaching out for contact for days fater words. Once she had me back engaging her, she then once again seemed to lose all interest in communcating. What could she be trying to gain by the trigulation. Maybe I have ahrd time understanding trigulation to the fullest.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[forgottenarm]

I think she used your mutual friend as an excuse to contact you, she told you about her personal growth because this was most likely to hook you, and when you responded, she lost interest because, well, mission accomplished.

She alluded to the possibility of working on herself and maybe rekindling the romance, but she never offered you anything concrete or direct.  I would not read more into it than that---it adds up to what she was offering before.  Nothing.

My guess is she's probably not operating on some bigger agenda either---like lining you up for some particular use down the road.  My xpwBPD tended to act on impulse, doing whatever felt good/served him in the moment.  If my ex had done that, I'd see it as a way to get a little supply (via getting your attention, re-establishing control, etc.) but not because he missed me or had regrets----more likely because he was bored, had had a setback.

I hate to see you putting so much energy into understanding her mindset when it appears she isn't offering you much of substance.  Please guard your heart.

[mitchell16]

forgottenarm, I think you are right. The casual calls persisted through out the weekend and the content of the calls was all about my supposed happiness. I allowed myself to be recycled for a night of sex, which I wont lie was great as usual. But during it she didnt show the same amount of emotions as normal. After that she left out of town on a business trip. This is the part that get weird. She and her boss go out drinking. I started recieving tetx message from her phone saying that it was her noss. Telling me how much she loves and how I can trust her. At that she has guys coming on to her but she never takes them up on it because of her love for me. Blah Blah. I then get a call from her later where she is very drunk and talks for about 5 minutes. Again no words of love or any emotions. She tells me she didnt know her boss was texting me from her phone. I then havent heard from her since been about 24 hours. This was all very strange behavior havent seen this one before. I know i shouldnt try to figure her out and I shouldnt have gave in to her but I still struggle with it.

[Clearmind]

My friend, if you are done, you are done regardless of what she attempts to do. Take back some personal power because right now it seems you have handed it over.

I know nc is the best and every time Im commited to it and ignore her calls she find a sneaky way to get me to answer

Being committed to NC is more than not answering the phone - for now its a lifestyle, until such time as you detach. We really only can call her 'sneaky' if you fall for it.

Its possible we need to see it for it is - neediness on her part - and neediness on your part if you respond.

Start to look after you and start to really dig deep and ask yourself why this affects you and why you answer to her pleas - rather than saving yourself from more hurt!

[forgottenarm]

The stuff with her boss sounds like triangulation (read definition)---not sure what transpired between them and I'm not saying it was anything substantive, but going out like that is not what someone does if she's interested in repairing your relationship, rebuilding trust, etc.  And the fact that she let you in on it, and mentioned the other guys hitting on her---it all seems aimed at either exerting some control or provoking a reaction of some kind.

It's very sad to me because I believe that on some level, she may want to have the relationship again, but she's too mixed up to be a reliable, safe partner to you.  Her demons are so apparent.  I guess that's the bottomline.  Even if you give her every benefit of the doubt, you still have to look at her behavior and realize that to quell her own fears and insecurities, she's compelled to do hurtful, destabilizing things.  I always felt like I could love this kind of thing out of my ex---by showering him with love and security, he would calm down and stop testing me.  But I realize now, the testing/triangulating (read definition) is what he does precisely because I'm giving him love.  It's the only way he can receive it.

[nocrazy]

Her boss is texting you drunk? I do not buy it. She is playing games.

My exH BOD/NPD tried to reconnect over the most trivial ridiculous things, "I need to talk to you."

"Is it about son?"
'No. But it is really important."

He then will be wondering some ridiculous philisphical question, or wants to know if my sister is doing OK...

Whatever. You slept with her, then she left town, then she got drunk and texted you abunch of recycle attempts under the guise of her boss doing it

No. i think, and maybe I am wrong , but I think she sent the texts in a fragmented state(pull), then shifts back to distant (push) when you actually speak. It's her way of having her BPD cake and eating it, too.
She can get that expression out, blame it on alcohol or a friend, then act distant and fear engulfment when you are actually available to speak.

JMHO.

I would say, reinstate the NC. I have a child with my ex, but man I wish I could start over with NC, and rebuild my life without his games.

[mitchell16]

nocrazy, I felt like this what it was. It was a way of expressing her love to me thru someone else. If it backfired, she could say oh it was my boss/friend that said all that. If it was recieved well she keeps me in the hook of hope as I call it. I had a conversation with her face to face after the texting and  of course she pretended that she knew the boss was text me but she acted like she didnt know what was said until she was sitting in front of me. She read the text and said "omg I didnt know they said all that" Which I find it very hard to believe that anybody would let someone have your phone to text your" boyfriend" and in 24 hour period you would read the texts. Just dont add up. I remebered it once before she pulled this with a co-worker leaving me a pretend messege by accident where she was professing her love for me to the co-worker. of course I wasnt supposed to hear the phone call, but it recorded it to my phone by "accident". She has taken a trip out of town currently and I havent heard from her in 24 hours. Of Course The advice i get from everyone always helps me to see things that I miss. I have found when you have an emotinal involvement with someone it hard to see. When you have a love for someone, its very hard to not beleive that they are maek strides and when they say that they love you one minute but they pull away next. Its just tough.

[nocrazy]

Yes, and no judgement intended in my previous post at all.

i had been with a very manipulative man for 10 yrs. MY B.S. meter went off when I read your posts.

Hope it was not too sharp or harsh.

Just try to remember that the rewards are few if not nonexistent with this kind of game playing.
You got re hooked, just reach up and take the hook out, and start again.

No one here is judging you, we are all on your side. 

[mitchell16]

I know wasnt feeling judged. I value all teh advice I get from everyone and it really helps. I know this relationship is very unhealthy but I keep allowing myself to get pulled back in and I reallt dont know how to stop.

I just cant figure out the angles and I dont know why I care to. The boss texting was very strange approach that has never happened before with her. I dont understand her point and was hoping for opinons that help me clafify her actions. I know it is imposssible for anyone to really know for sure, but people with more experience could help shed some light that might help get clarity. But I do apprciate all the advise and I welcome as much as possible, harsh or not.

[nocrazy]

Listen, I have a story for you...and this is kinda psycho...
A couple years back, when I broke up with my exH for one of the first times, he was a mess...

I had several friends who read Missed Connections on Craigslist tell me that someone was posting all this crazy stuff, sounded like it was directed at my H. I was in no contact with him, but, I could not resist looking at the posts in question.

Sure enough there were a few over 2 months, and they were pretty specific. There appeared to be a few women who were VERY interested in him. He had a highly visible "fake' job at a popular music club in town. He had a lot of visibility.

He was also very handsome, talented and creative, charming to the hilt...and VEry messed up, which some women are very drawn to (apparently the younger me included, LOL)

Anyway...He had responded to the ads. He said things like he had a wife, he had done wrong, he was trying to win her back..

Well, we got back together,(not because of the posts...but..) and I mentioned the posts and the admirers. It became a little source of insecurity for me, and I voiced that. He would coyly rub it in, and the posts continued.

Our entire social circle knew about them. It was a monthly occurence. He even sat there and watched me cry over the women that wanted him, I felt so insecure. He assured me that he was devoted to me, all the cheating from the past was over...

One night he left for the night and I opened my computer. He had been drunk, and logged onto his email. It was open, and I saw, plain as day a Craigslist post confirmation. I opened it. Then another, then another.

He had posted all but 1 of 6 posts about himself. Then answered himself. Other people had gotten in on the conversation posts, but HE HAD POSTED the INITIAL posts.

I asked him then, about 2.5 years ago to seek help. i never told him I knew. The posts stopped. I asked him to please seek help. He went to rehab. BUt, these behaviors did not stop with sobriety. That is why he is not in my house, and why I am here.

[mitchell16]

Wow that was a wild story. It's just hard to figure and I don't know why I try. Though I know I need to stay out of this relationship but I still find myself drawn back and pulled back in. I guess in my heart I still want to believe everything she tells me.

[mitchell16]

nocrazy, I was re-resading your story and that is very bizarre. It was like trigulation with himself. I guess mines behavior could be trigulation as someone said. but once again Im having a hard time udnerstanding it. I do understand not her not having any consistency at all. I have seen that all first hand. One minute shes in love and the next shes not. One day she wants a relationship and then the next she dont. And it changes from week to week and sometimes in just a matter of days. and I hve trigulation explained to me on this boards but Im still not clear of what purpose it serves teh person with BPD and what are their motives. At time I can understand it, I have seen her question me about something and blame it on someone else as if they were questionsing my actions. Or have seen her not what to see me and blame it on needing to vistit with her adult child. Even though when we are apart the dont spend hardly anythime together. So i guess in this case It could be just games, why I dont know. Maybe to keep me stringing along or it could be just trigulation and using her boss to convince that her being out in bars with other men is ok becuase she loves me so much that she would never do anything wrong. I just dont know. Like I have said I guess if i was truly 100 percent done it wouldnt matter and though I thought I was, i guess deep done Im not. Im have such a hard time getting it together.