A How-To? question

[Think About It...]

Hi there!  I've been reading through as much of the content here - articles, workshops and whatnot - as I have time for, but one rather pressing issue I've been wondering about (and haven't yet found an answer to) is, how do you balance between encouraging pwBPD to work towards a goal in small chunks, and not making them feel like you're belittling them?

I've read, somewhere on here, an example of a young adult wanting to jump into a college semester taking the maximum credit load, after a semester where she failed out due to a breakdown.  The article recommended having her take just a class or few at first, as a good formula to success.  Makes sense, at least to a Non.

My husband, however, is not the type who can understand this concept.  If he can't jump right in (to a full time job in construction - which he loves - for example), and perform with as much energy, speed and proficiency as he could in his early 20s (prior to numerous surgeries and a broken back), he feels as though he's a total failure.  I know he loves to work, and all this time off has been really rough on him.  I do think it would be good for him to work, in a job at a pace he could sustain.  But, any recommendations on how to help him see that part-time work, or work that's less physically intense, can be rewarding and fulfilling too?  I've tried bringing up the idea before, but he doesn't want to hear it.  It's as though working less than what he feels he should is just as pathetic as not working at all, in his mind, and would leave him just as upset and dissatisfied with himself.  But his current state of not working is leaving him more miserable still.

[kale]

Hi there!  I've been reading through as much of the content here - articles, workshops and whatnot - as I have time for, but one rather pressing issue I've been wondering about (and haven't yet found an answer to) is, how do you balance between encouraging pwBPD to work towards a goal in small chunks, and not making them feel like you're belittling them?

I've read, somewhere on here, an example of a young adult wanting to jump into a college semester taking the maximum credit load, after a semester where she failed out due to a breakdown.  The article recommended having her take just a class or few at first, as a good formula to success.  Makes sense, at least to a Non.

My husband, however, is not the type who can understand this concept.  If he can't jump right in (to a full time job in construction - which he loves - for example), and perform with as much energy, speed and proficiency as he could in his early 20s (prior to numerous surgeries and a broken back), he feels as though he's a total failure.  I know he loves to work, and all this time off has been really rough on him.  I do think it would be good for him to work, in a job at a pace he could sustain.  But, any recommendations on how to help him see that part-time work, or work that's less physically intense, can be rewarding and fulfilling too?  I've tried bringing up the idea before, but he doesn't want to hear it.  It's as though working less than what he feels he should is just as pathetic as not working at all, in his mind, and would leave him just as upset and dissatisfied with himself.  But his current state of not working is leaving him more miserable still.

[Triptoes]

kale,

I think you have a valid concern here: how to encourage your H in the best possible way, so that he would seek challenges appropriate to his abilities, and not wear himself out.

Unfortunately, I don't have much to help you with here. But I know what you're talking about. My uBPD husband tend to be quite like this too. He needs to be perfect or not at all. He will also refuse to work at a job that is "below him", he says he cannot handle a 9-to-5 job as he has never had one. Oh, how many times I've thought of saying "Well, you're never going to get used to one unless you try it." But I haven't. Because I know there is nothing I can do to change his mind. His choices are his to make. He pays his share of the rent, I've decided to keep my opinions about how he gets that money to myself (as long as it is something legal, and doesn't hurt anyone).

Truth is, you cannot really make other people do anything. And when someone is so determined to do things their way, you cannot really even encourage them to do anything different. They're not open to listening such encouragement. I know this of myself too. I have some not-desirable ways of being quite disorganized with my time sometimes. My husband has told me how he thinks I should do it. I agree. But I haven't found the will inside me to make the changes, so I haven't. H will of course continue to get mad and tell me how he told-me-so. At this point I have learned to shrug and move on.

If something directly effects him, I have a responsibility to make changes to accomodate him. As well, if something he does directly affects me, I would express to him that I wish him to change it (let's say he tried to make money by gambling with his part of the rent, for example).

For anything else, I have started to practice knowing this: "If my H makes a mess, it's his to lay in. I'm not responsible for fixing his problems."

I read on the other thread you say you are a person who feels happy based on other people around you being happy. I can identify with that some, as well. This is a tough thing to hear, but through my work on myself and my relationship I have learned that this belief is, in fact, a mark that you are too enmeshed with other people. That you have lost touch with your own Solid Self. Reading the lessons, reading about co-dependency, reading about boundaries and self-worth, you will start to gather knowledge how you can sympathize with others without taking on their feelings as yours. All we can do is focus on our personal growth and offer seek to our loved-ones an example of a healthy, solid, loving Self. Whether they will resent our changes or want to change themselves, is up to them.

Again, in a romantic relationship some degree of "taking care of your needs I'm taking care of mine" is required, but it means more to act according to the Golden Rule (doing to others what you wish for yourself _

[desperate dutchman]

Kale. Just a thought I work construction also. As we age we move into supporting and mentoring roles ie let the kids do the heavy lifting. Is he open to that? Is his mind set that of I'm invincible and still as fit as when I was 21?

[kale]

Thank yall for sharing   And you're right; I've kind of known for awhile there are things I should probably be working on in myself, but had a hard time pinpointing what exactly to do.  The information on this site has been immensely helpful.  Because ultimately, it's true the only way I can affect a situation is by changing how I act/think. Anyhow, as far as him working, thankfully I've got a pretty steady job, that I really enjoy.  We're stable financially, so that's not really an issue.  It's more that, he hates not working.  He's I guess what you'd call someone who acts-in rather than acts-out; he regularly splits himself black and primarily over the fact that he doesn't have a job.  He loves working.  Among several drawbacks, however, is that he's more a jack-of-all-trades, master of none.  He knows a lot more than he can prove with paper, and his resume I don't think would justify him getting hired on in an upper position.  But, I could be wrong...I've never been much good at PR type stuff.  Even so, he's always been the type that prefers doing to managing.  And well, I guess the more I get my thoughts sorted out on the screen, the more I'm realizing I guess this is one of those things I'll just have to sit back and watch play out.

He really desperately wants to go back to work.  The other week he was even toying with the idea of going to work in the oilfields...a job I'm not much familiar with except that the labor is intense and the hours insane.  I guess maybe, for so long so much of his positive identity was wrapped up in what he could do, that now that he's lost a good bit of his abilities, he's lost his sense of self and doesn't know how to develop a new one?  He knows I'm very happy with my job, and more than happy to be taking care of bills and whatnot but that's not really an issue.  It's more him needing to come to grips with who he was, who he is, and who he wants to be.  He's rather torn, between knowing that he physically can't do all he used to, but that's too painful to admit to himself, wanting to suppress it and work himself like a dog, because that's all he knows and what he loved.  He could always outwork anyone he was on a site with, sometimes the rest of the crew put together.  He got a lot of attention from and took a lot of pride in that.  And now, he can't see any alternate path.  He either will be what he was, or is worthless in his own eyes.

I don't want to see him hurt himself, but I don't want to contribute to his feeling useless by suggesting he try a lighter load to start with (rather than a full time job during the day and taking college classes at night...another option he wants to go with this fall).  So, I just don't know what to do...or maybe this is one of those situations where I need to realize there's nothing i can do, but be there to love and support him, let him try and fail (and not that I think he'll fail because it's him...how many people in this world can really pull off being successful at a full-time job AND school at the same time, really?) and reaffirm that his not being able to take on the world at once does not mean he is worth any less as a human, or that i love him any less dearly?

I dunno, I guess we'll see.  Again, thank yall for taking the time to read and reply.  It's amazing how much this site has helped even in the short time it's been since I discovered it.

[Triptoes]

kale,

It's obvious you care about your husband very much. You want to be the most supportive wife you can be. I was going to write you a different kind of response until I read this:

...or maybe this is one of those situations where I need to realize there's nothing i can do, but be there to love and support him, let him try and fail (and not that I think he'll fail because it's him...how many people in this world can really pull off being successful at a full-time job AND school at the same time, really?) and reaffirm that his not being able to take on the world at once does not mean he is worth any less as a human, or that i love him any less dearly?

I think you hit the nail in the head here! 

It is difficult, but sometimes we really have to learn to let go. Holding on comes easily: holding on to our views, holding on to what we think is best for others, holding on to how we think they should behave. Letting go is much harder.

Be there for him, let him know your there to listen to him when he so wants _

[waverider]

Sounds like someone who would be best starting up their own one man business, where they can work as much or as little as they please, especially if they have drive and pride in results rather than just turning up, even if its just handyman work. Which can be a good starter for specialising in a field down the track

[Triptoes]

Sounds like someone who would be best starting up their own one man business, where they can work as much or as little as they please

This is exactly what my husband did! 
But I didn't tell him to do so. I had tried to give him ideas in the beginning, but quickly learned, as I explained above, that he needs to figure it out for himself. He mulled around for 6 months feeling worthless, angry and depressed _

[yeeter]

maybe this is one of those situations where I need to realize there's nothing i can do, but be there to love and support him, let him try and fail (and not that I think he'll fail because it's him...how many people in this world can really pull off being successful at a full-time job AND school at the same time, really?) and reaffirm that his not being able to take on the world at once does not mean he is worth any less as a human, or that i love him any less dearly?

Hi Kale!   Hi!

My father and grandfather were this way.  They defined their entire sense of being by how hard they could work.  (and me too to some degree).  Fact is, it put them in an early grave (the years of hard physical labor does take a toll on the body). 

So take this with a grain of salt, but yes, I also admire someone who can outwork everyone else, and then go to school at night!  (I did it - and it got me away from the long physical labor type of lifestyle).  He is motivated, and that is to be admired and respected.

It does need to come from him though.  His life is his own to sort out, and as long as he is including you and considering the family as he makes decisions, your best bet is to just show support, confidence in him, and love him no matter what decision he makes.  Dont make it more pressure for him - let him know you support and love him as he sorts it out.

Your doing great.  Keep reading.  Posting.  Read some more.