BPDgf may be pregnant

[Think About It...]

Hi,

My BPDgf may be pregnant. Her period is very late and we are about to get a pregnancy test.
She has only recently been diagnosed but has been suffering from the condition for well over a decade. She is determined to get well and is about to start intensive therapy.
As with many of the stories I read on the site she bounces from love-filled to anger, frustration and disgust towards her loved ones including myself of course.
This situation has taken us by surprise and although in many ways the timing couldn't be worse she has said that if the test is positive there is no way she would have a termination.
I love her like I've never loved anyone before and the idea of starting a family with her is something I have dreamt of, but as I said, the timing wouldn't exactly be ideal.
Is there any advice anyone can give as to the best ways to move forward?
Thank you

[Lalaland12]

Hi,

My BPDgf may be pregnant. Her period is very late and we are about to get a pregnancy test.
She has only recently been diagnosed but has been suffering from the condition for well over a decade. She is determined to get well and is about to start intensive therapy.
As with many of the stories I read on the site she bounces from love-filled to anger, frustration and disgust towards her loved ones including myself of course.
This situation has taken us by surprise and although in many ways the timing couldn't be worse she has said that if the test is positive there is no way she would have a termination.
I love her like I've never loved anyone before and the idea of starting a family with her is something I have dreamt of, but as I said, the timing wouldn't exactly be ideal.
Is there any advice anyone can give as to the best ways to move forward?
Thank you

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

I feel bad that no one has responded to your post yet.  I think many people on this board really don't know what to tell you.  We all hope that your BPD girlfriend is really trying to change, sticking with her therapy and doing the work necessary to make a difference.  Raising a child with someone who suffers from BPD is a challenge.  You can read all of the posts on this site to see the problems people experience.  In my particular situation my BPD dil got pregnant on purpose to trap my son when she sensed that he was thinking of leaving her.  They were not married at the time, and my husband and I advised our son not to marry her.  My own mother is BPD, so I knew a lot of the difficulties that this disorder creates.  My son wanted to do the right thing for his girlfriend and their child, so he married her, and now feels trapped in an unhappy marriage with a wife who can be extremely vindictive.  I'm not trying to be unsupportive, just realistic.  If you want advice on how to proceed, I would say make certain that she truly is committed to "intensive therapy" otherwise nothing will ever improve, and regardless of your decisions about your relationship, make certain that you are a loving and positive presence in your child's life.  They will need your strength and consistency to balance the chaos.  Wishing you only the best.  

[ticl]

I also wish you luck.  I can only hope that you do push her to get treatment.  I know that things often get worse after the child is born.
You may also want to try to determine if she got pregnant on purpose, to try to keep you attached due to her fear of abandonment, as this is very common.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[hell0kitty]

All I can say is if she is, and if she doesn't get the help she needs, make sure you protect yourself with a rock solid parenting plan that leaves nothing to question. My BF signed a vague parenting plan with his EXBPDgf who he had a baby with when she was being normal and he has regretted it every day for the last 3 years.  Also, make sure that you keep a journal of everything she does.  You don't need to tell her this, but it will protect you in the long run if things do go south.  Keep every angry email, log every crazy text, and just write down in a calendar/journal any time she does anything that is inappropriate regarding your co-parenting or her parenting or shows a pattern of instability.  Hopefully you will never need these things, but these are all of the things my BF constantly regrets not doing when he was first going through it all.  He would delete angry emails, VMs and texts etc and forgive her rages thinking it would get better.  Now he wishes he had that stuff because it would be gold in the court drama we are facing.
I really do hope for the best for you, but make sure you are protecting your rights as well.

[ticl]

I agree with hellokilly.  Prepare for the worst!  Hopefully she will get help, and things can be somewhat normal ( I doubt they can ever be really normal), but don't count on it. 

[ForeverDad]

My ex was "high maintenace from early on, though not with outright BPD behaviors.  Over years there were a few traumas or triggers that ramped her up to higher levels of issues.  In the first year I saw stars in bed at night - literally.  Within 5 years she started cursing like a sailor in her periodic rages.  Then she started sniping at co-workers and others in the congregation.  It was so gradual that I saw it as only a little bit worse each time, so I didn't seek help, not that it would have assured a different outcome.

Then after 11 years of marriage I got the misguided idea that having a child would make her look outside herself and ragain joy in her life.  Oh, oh, bad idea.  Having children, as wonderful a blessing it is, does not fix problems, it only makes them more complicated.

It is often mentioned here that some events will trigger worse levles of behaviors.  Some things seem somehat minor such as birthdays, anniversaries, planning vacations or oves, actually going on vacations or actually moving, parties, weddings, funerals, etc.  Some are more life-changing such as births.  That's my concern for you - how will she change if she has a baby?

Back to my story... She immediately started distancing herself, again it happened gradually, but she clearly was "bonding" with her baby while being unable to keep a second person, me, in her life.  When he got to be the age her abuser stepfather entered her life, it really got bad.  She started seeing anyone and everyone as "probably abusers" and chased away all but a very few.  Hyper-vigilant and Paranoid.  When she started looking at me sideways, I got the hint that I was next and sought help.  The marriage imploded, we separated, she made vicious and scary allegations which of course all the agencies listened to.  It took over 5 years and virtually all the money I had but I finally got custody last year.

What may be different with you that I didn't have is that your GF is already in therapy.  My ex consistently refused any therapy whatsoever.  It won't be easy for your GF to make false allegations, but be fully aware that she can - and the agencies will listen and investigate.  However, for now, let's see if the baby will be incentive for her to work more diligently at therapy.

[ForeverDad]

Could you give us an update?

[Lalaland12]

Sorry for the very delayed response. All the advice I've got from this thread has been very useful.
She is now 13 weeks pregnant.
Up until now everything has been surprisingly good. Up until now. My gf became my wife. It was a simple, unfussed affair and went without a hitch. There were a few BPD signs only I noticed, but that is probably for a different thread!
Pregnancy-wise she has managed to bypass any morning sickness and the baby is healthy.
She has also been able to control her up and down moodswings. Up until now.
Since I've known her she has been prone to impulsive behaviour. So, in the last 18 months she has wanted to move house 4 or 5 times. The wheels have been put in motion, prospective takers have got as far as paperwork, only for her to change her mind. I am based in another town and due to career would find it almost impossible to move.
When she first discovered she was pregnant we discussed this in great depth and agreed that for our future it made sense for us to set up home where I work. She has now decided that she will not move. Apart from work there are other important factors which make the move the other way very difficult.  She is adamant though. She would choose divorce over moving.
Right now, I am so down there are no words.
Rock and a hard place don't come close.
How can you stop a bad thing from becoming worse?

[ForeverDad]

Rock and a hard place don't come close.
How can you stop a bad thing from becoming worse?

You have a job, a career, which these days means you don't lightly quit unless there's no other choice.  However, her lack of cooperation here can - and almost surely will - occur again the next time you two disagree or she changes her mind.  If you leave your job, what will it be next?  Stop visiting your family?  (Isolation)  Apologize for everything no matter what?  (Control, dictating)  Appease her whenever she's upset and ranting so the children don't suffer the brunt of it?  (children still suffer the conflict and twisted illogic)

Marriage needs to be teamwork, not dictates, control, manipulations.  What if you quit your job, avoid family and friends, etc, etc just for her and then it doesn't work out?  Then where will you be?  So do try to think ahead and be sure you keep some boundaries and limits in your life.

For that reason, I think the answer is, you can't stop it from getting worse.  She can but you can't (if you stay).  Usually there are three options.

• Best:  The disordered person gets into therapy, applies it and gets on the path toward recovery.  Sadly, many refuse to get past the Denial and need to change.
• Poor:  You try to 'manage' it and it's like bailing an ever-increasingly leaky boat.
• Practical:  Over time you determine the other still isn't improving and you decide to protect yourself (and the children at least for the time they're with you).  From a distance, since you're not as close, she may behave a little better with you.  But a key aspect is that at least some of their lives the children get to live in a healthy, functional environment under your parenting.

Since you are currently 'Staying" - for now - why not post also on the Staying board?  Remember, Staying is your current circumstance.  If 'Staying' doesn't work out, that's okay, at least you tried.  Then you have every right and need to re-evaluate and reconsider your situation and adjust any prior decisions accordingly.

[Lalaland12]

Very good advice.
In the end it's about a never ending spiral of concessions. I have already given in too much and I can see it's a bottomless pit.
It takes a long time for the penny to drop but once you've been with a BPD partner for a while you realise you're not having a normal relationship at all. It's like having a relationship with a child. So much of her behaviour now seems manipulative. It probably is.
We discussed the possibility of her being pregnant and both agreed that her relocating would be the only way this could work. She embraced the idea whole-heartedly.
She wanted to get married straight away. The following weeks leading up to the wedding were full of excitement and her bonding with her new hometown.
She was going to therapy and everything was looking up.
As soon as the wedding was over her mood changed and her desire to relocate changed to a total negative with absolutely no room for debate.
It now looks like she had it all planned.
It's hard not to think anything else.
I will definitely take all the advice so far. I think the most important thing is for me to stay strong, keep the job and hope she understands how important the therapy is.
Does anybody know of things she could do on top of the therapy that might help?
Luckily she's not in complete denial she has a problem, although she does sometimes slip into denial.

[ForeverDad]

As soon as the wedding was over her mood changed and her desire to relocate changed to a total negative with absolutely no room for debate.
It now looks like she had it all planned.
It's hard not to think anything else.

Another lesson learned, it's not what is said or promises, it's in the actions.  Don't gloss over what she just did to you.  It was pure bait and switch.  Makes me wonder how 'accidental' the pregnancy was...

Is it time for a boundary, resume therapy or the marriage

Meanwhile, don't create any joint credit card account, joint ownerships, or anything else where you could get stuck in an attempt to unwind the marriage.  A joint bank account might be okay so long as you don't put much money there.

Does she work?  Did she work before her pregnancy?  If she does and is, she'll soon be claiming she can't work because of her pregnancy.  Then she'll need time to recover from the birth and 'bond' with 'her' baby.  Then she'll say she can't find anywhere to nurse and work at the same time.  Then she'll say she needs to take care of the baby/toddler/preschooler and can't work.  Then... you get the idea.  SAHM = Stay At Home Mother.  While that's not a bad thing at all, it aggravates problems if the marriage is faltering.  The longer she's unemployed and out of the work force then the more inclined family court would be to expect you to give her extended support.

Be aware that the longer you're married the harder it will be to unwind it.  If the relationship was healthy and functional, no problem, it wouldn't end.  However unless she gets right back into therapy and applies herself to it, then your ability to set boundaries will be weakened.  How might she wriggle out of meaningful therapy?  (1) If she doesn't refuse outright she may (2) try to delay or (3) seek a different therapist who won't make her change.

Edits:  You have a son who's very nearly a teenage.  You described how she cut him out of her life over one incident.  You remarked how hurtful that was.  At some point that is likely to happen to you, she'll transform you from being her love of her life to the scum of the earth.  You need to consider his needs too.

The fact that she's got a documented history with hospital visits, stays and evaluations of mental illness may help you if and when you seek legal solutions.  She may try to claim privacy under HIPAA laws, but she probably can't hide it from a court-ordered Custody Evaluation.

[Lalaland12]

Absolutely. In fact the teenage son was the other main reason I can't relocate. To be honest, I didn't want to mention this for fear of her being able to ID this post. After we found out she was pregnant I noticed she had Googled 'BPD pregnant' and my first post in the thread was one of the results! So, just in case she returned to this thread I didn't want I give too much info.
So, yes, it is absolutely imperative that I am close to him at this particular juncture in his life.
As it happens there have been massive changes in the situation since my last post.
I made it clear that there was no way I could relocate. She is unemployed (to answer your question) and relocation would be relatively simple.
She became ultra-distant and we slept (or tried to sleep) in different beds. Then late last night, early this morning, she came through to me and admitted that she was too ill to have the baby, that she needs to get better, that having a baby in her mental state would be cruel and selfish. I totally agree.
She really isn't well. The baby would have the worst start in life.
Although the idea if ending the pregnancy saddens me deeply, and I truly hope the mother doesn't suffer too much, the worst thing we could do is ruin two young lives(one as he learns to be an adult, the other before it's begun).
It is the lesser of two evils. I am both bereft and relieved.
She has also said she wants a divorce but to remain friends. Again, I agree this would be a good thing.
I have been putting my son first and he will know this.
I love my wife very much. Perhaps as she grows and recovers she will lose her vulnerability which is certainly an incredibly endearing aspect of her personality, but right now I can't look at her, be in her company, and have any regrets. Perhaps just one - that I didn't set firmer boundaries earlier.
A warning to anyone that suspects their new partner is BPD - their magical, childlike qualities; being idealized by someone so beautiful; their fiery sexuality will enthral you and it can become very hard to see the wood for the trees.
I am very sad that it went this far, that there had to be real suffering for an awakening. I feel guilt-ridden that I was so blinded by my own emotional needs that I didn't take more control earlier so we didn't end up in this horrible situation.
I will be there for her as much as I can.
Lesson - have boundaries from the start and stick to them. If they do t like your boundaries don't be swayed by your fear of losing them. That, I think, is what understand of ForeverDad's post above.

[Lalaland12]

Update:
She has decided to relocate

[mavis]

Are you absolutely sure she is pregnant?

[ForeverDad]

A hallmark trait of BPD is inconsistency.  Now she may feel she ought to do something, about the move, about the baby, anything.  Later today, tomorrow, next week, who knows when, she may flip to another mood and change her mind, then later change it back, then...  So nothing's a done deal - until it's done.

However, did you notice that when you set some firm boundaries she eventually came around.  It doesn't mean she's improving, for that she needs professional therapy.*  But at least for now your boundaries are having an effect, however tentatively.  Reason failed, logic failed, pleas failed, accommodating failed, but firm boundaries worked.  They won't always work but at least you're in a somewhat less out-of-control situation.

Be forewarned that she will likely try to pick and choose among your boundaries.  Think ahead, ponder which rejected boundaries are deal-breakers and which ones are of lesser importance in the grand scheme of things.  The problem too is that letting her chip away your boundaries with some minor boundary violations can and will impel her to reject additional boundaries.  A fine balance is needed.

*A common statement here is that we can't fix our disordered loved ones.  They are hugely influenced, even driven, by their emotions and emotion-influenced perceived reality, and we were (or are) in some of the closest relationships possible, whether spouse, parent, sibling or child.  All close relationships are deeply emotional.  What happens is that they can't manage rational thinking because they're always derailed by the perceived emotional baggage that overwhelms them.  For that reason, an experienced and emotionally neutral professional is needed.  Even then, there's no guarantee of success, too often even that fails, but it's better than anything else.

[Lalaland12]

Mavis, yes she is pregnant, this I do know for sure. In fact, out of everything she tells me it's the only thing I know for sure.
We did the test (I was in the bathroom with her) on a Friday afterwork. She told the doctor first thing Monday morning. The doctor immediately booked a first scan for a week later. That seemed a bit odd considering it was early days. Possibly knowing her condition he needed to make sure there was close observation of the pregnancy.
Anyway, we have had two scans now so, yes, but your question is a timely one because I am now working out what to do about her lies.

As ForeverDad has pointed out firm boundaries quite obviously make a difference. I now need to know which ones are deal-breakers.
 As you mentioned Her perception will change as her moods change.
We discussed this yesterday. One moment she's making an impassioned argument one way and then the next it's the opposite. By the end if this week or the beginning of next week I'm sure she will have changed her mind about it all!

So, yesterday she admitted to me that she had been lying to me the last 6 weeks.
She is addicted to cannabis and has been struggling to give it up. Whenever she manages (for a few weeks at a time) her general mental state, moods and decision-making improves. Her spirit improves. In fact, she is quite amazing.
She is haunted though by feelings of chronic emptiness and when the emptiness returns she self-medicates with cannabis. This is the logic as far as I understand it.
When she fell pregnant we discussed the fact that if she was going to have this baby, and she was adamant that she was, that 1) she had to start therapy with immediate effect and 2) that she go regularly to NA meetings and not smoke, especially cannabis.
She was going to therapy (I was certain of this, I'm not so certain now - has she been lying?) but was patently not going to NA, which had me worried. She was doing so well not smoking that  I let it slide.
Yesterday she admitted that she had been smoking cannabis throughout the last 6 weeks. Obviously I'm pleased she told me, but I'm now really concerned as to how deep the lies have gone. Has she been going to therapy? Perhaps not.
If she doesn't put in the effort then what can I do?
This leads to the big question: if certain boundaries are deal-breakers how to put this? As an ultimatum? What kind if ultimatum?

[Lalaland12]

Update: I spoke to her about the lies and she admitted to missing therapy. Only one session and I do believe her. Because? Because I had a strong feeling she had missed that particular session already.
However, she now says she's not certain she can commit to me long-term so is this right for a baby?
She basically no longer knows whether to go through with this or not.

It's a crazy situation. Her moods dictate her thinking and her actions and her moods change so frequently it's impossible to know what the right thing to do is!

Luckily, my son has been shielded from this madness and I think, whatever the outcome, I will be able to keep him shielded.
I have said to her that if she is willing to put the effort in on all fronts then she will get better. Then there is hope.
If she feels she can't put in the effort she dhould have started doing 6 weeks ago then we're probably facing tragic results