Communicating with my daughter

[Think About It...]

My daughter has been limited contact with me for almost 2 years.  We are in therapy to improve our relationship.  Therapy so far is pretty much me being sorry and her finding reasons for me to be sorry. Oh and I've been criticized for not being sorry enough.   We live in different countries and must SKYPE for therapy sessions.  She will not look at me, only the therapist.  She has torn apart our family, ...oh you know the story.  I am so tired. I think if I nailed myself to a cross, she would think I did it wrong and I would have to apologize and validate her feelings.  Anyway I know i am a downer right now, the best I can say is I sympathize and agree with you.  I agree and understand how you feel, your anguish and your pain.  I hear it and believe you have every right to feel the way you do.  Everything you say and feel makes sense to me I would feel the same way.  Oh and I am sorry. 

[cbcrna1]

My daughter has been limited contact with me for almost 2 years.  We are in therapy to improve our relationship.  Therapy so far is pretty much me being sorry and her finding reasons for me to be sorry. Oh and I've been criticized for not being sorry enough.   We live in different countries and must SKYPE for therapy sessions.  She will not look at me, only the therapist.  She has torn apart our family, ...oh you know the story.  I am so tired. I think if I nailed myself to a cross, she would think I did it wrong and I would have to apologize and validate her feelings.  Anyway I know i am a downer right now, the best I can say is I sympathize and agree with you.  I agree and understand how you feel, your anguish and your pain.  I hear it and believe you have every right to feel the way you do.  Everything you say and feel makes sense to me I would feel the same way.  Oh and I am sorry. 

[Anguish]

I'm back.
She stopped communicating with me after those few texts.
I think it was because I texted asking her if she would like to see the video I made for her. It's a six minute movie of shapshots of her life from a few months old to her late teens. All beautiful, happy footage of parties and good times.
She seems threatened by it.
Anyway she's stopped responding to my texts. Utter silence.
I think it's also (and mainly) because I have not agreed to call her by this male name she's invented for herself and say she's my 'son'.
I haven't said I won't do it. I'm just not calling her any name right now.
If I agree to say these things (lies), I think she might agree to restoring communication.
But the thing is, I don't want to call her a boy's name and say she is my son.
If she wants me to respect the choices she feels comfortable with (is looking like a man), shouldn't she respect my right to do and say what I feel comfortable with?
Am I right or wrong here?
Am I being unreasonable?
I really don't know what to do!
I truly believe that she is making a huge mistake that she will eventually regret.
I cannot bring myself to encourage this terrible mistake by calling her some man's name and saying she is my son.
Please tell me - should I force myself to smile and say these things? Just thinking of saying those things make me want to throw up. She is my daughter. I don't respect this bizarre decision of hers - I think it's leading to her ruin when she realises people think she's a freak and it's not making her happier.
All advice gratefully accepted.
x Anguish

[Anguish]

Dear cleanandsober,

Thank you for sharing your story. I am horrified that such a terrible thing happened to you. My heart goes out to you.
As for Chaz Bono - it was just that I am not ready to see her/him as he/she now is, because that person is so far removed from what my delicate, slender, waif-like, feminine daughter looks like, and it was truly shocking for me to see those images and think that's what awaited my fairy-like angel. I have absolutely no problem with CB whatsoever and I wish him/her well. It was just the contract of images. And the fact that it's bad enough just struggling with 'now' without looking into an unbearable future. Yes, people who look different are treated as outcasts and that, I fear, is what awaits my darling.

Dear Anguish,
I am so sorry that you felt hurt when you watched about Chaz Bono.  I saw his autobiography a few years ago and thought it was honestly and tastefully done.  To share something personal about myself I suffer from Hirsatizm (excessive body hair) and I am female.  My personal problem was exposed when the neighborhood boys dragged me into a shed and stripped me naked.  I was humiliated beyond words and was given the nickname of "Butch".  (This happened when I was 12 or 13 years old)  I am now 52.  I went thru years of painful electolysis and the problem still persisted.  Our society can be so judgemental and if a person does not "fit" into a certain box they are felt/treated like outcasts.   

[Forgetmenot]

I cannot imagine the pain that Cher went through.  She lost her ex husband Sony..to an accident while skiing.  Her daughter, Chastity was a precious angel.  I think that might have been in the 80's and she was the light of their life.  Now she is a man.  He was even on dancing with the stars. I cannot imagine bearing that in the public.  Being gay is one thing.  Having a sex change is  just awful for anyone involved and the pain that person must be feeling has to be just terrible.

I wish I could give you some comforting words.  I hope time, love and patience will help you find your way. 

[whiletheseasonspass]

Dear Anguish,
I'm sorry for the pain- "anguish" that you are going through.  It is so hard to know with BPD if this change your daughter wants or needs to go through is for her or to have found a way to say CHECKMATE- ha ha.  Whichever it is - it is clearly bringing you agony    

 My concern right now is for you.  For as was recently advised to me by a very kind and wise mother who posts on this board- she told me that I cannot change the way my daughter thinks.  After all of my years of dealing with my dd who has had oppositional defiance disorder since she was a wee one, she has been very willful, AND she gets something out of making me suffer- this notion of not being able to change the way my dd thinks (or behaves) really struck me at that point in time when I was desperate- for I had to make a horrible decision.  So I say this to you- passing it forward- you cannot change the way your dd is thinking.  I realized as if it was an epiphany that I have zero power over my own dd's thinking and behavior from this statement.  

Do you think- for now...for your own sanity- your might be able to refrain from reaching out to your dd-   to stop texting her?   Give her space?.   It is painful to have the separation.  It is painful to be in the dark- not knowing what she is doing next.  But from all that you have written it is clear that she is making demands from you that you are not ready to deal with.  That may not prevent her from going forth with her plans.  But it will give you a break- to collect yourself from this latest traumatizing news- and for her to not have power/ demand over you to do what you simply cannot do at this time.

If your dd has ODD - then the more you oppose what she wants the more likely she will be to go through with this.  I don't know if your dd has this defiance quality.  Mine does.  Whew- it makes things very difficult.  

The other thing you might do is to research research research to see if this sex-change from female to male is reversible. If it is reversible- you don't have to tell her this but you can at least know for yourself.  If this has to do with taking hormones and even getting her uterus removed...at least you will know that she can at some point in the future having a reversal is possible- maybe not to get the uterus back- but to become female again.  Since men become women  why couldn't a woman return to her womanhood if later on she realized she had made a huge mistake?  

I remember that at first Cher had a terrible time with what her Chastity was doing - to become Chaz.  Now she does support "him".   I don't think that Chaz has BPD.  So yes that adds a questionable layer.

I wish you the best.  

[qcarolr]

If I agree to say these things (lies), I think she might agree to restoring communication.
But the thing is, I don't want to call her a boy's name and say she is my son.
If she wants me to respect the choices she feels comfortable with (is looking like a man), shouldn't she respect my right to do and say what I feel comfortable with?
Am I right or wrong here?
Am I being unreasonable?
I really don't know what to do!
I truly believe that she is making a huge mistake that she will eventually regret.
I cannot bring myself to encourage this terrible mistake by calling her some man's name and saying she is my son.
Please tell me - should I force myself to smile and say these things? Just thinking of saying those things make me want to throw up. She is my daughter. I don't respect this bizarre decision of hers - I think it's leading to her ruin when she realises people think she's a freak and it's not making her happier.

This is so very hard for you and with so much suffering. It is hard to accept - RADICALLY ACCEPT - such drastic changes in your child. Perhaps time is the only healer here - and allowing yourself to fully grieve these losses in your life. Even if this is a huge mistake for her in the future, it is her mistake to cope with. Can you find a path to detach with love from your child? It may take some distance - a time of no contact - for you to find what you are willing to say to your D.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as you find you way. Be kind to yourself.

qcr

Possible resoureces:
http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0   Boundaries-Living our values

http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0   TOOLS: Radical Acceptance for Families

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