That cuts/hurts deep

[Think About It...]

Something that really hurts me deeply about my relationship with my BPDGF is-- that it doesnt seem that she loves me in the same way(not unconditionally), or as deeply as i do her, she can change her feelings like the wind, or compartmentalize them, whenever she feels like it.  I figure thats due to her having an attachment disorder,that typically goes along with BPD, and her inability to form deep attachments to people. But of course just knowing that, doesnt make it hurt any less.
  So when i was in talking with my T, i told her about this, and how it makes me feel, and she said to me, how do i expect her(my gf), to make any significant changes with her disorder? She said you seem to have too much of an attachment to her, and you havent been able to change yourself, so why should she be able to change herself? and that cut/hurt deeply. I guess there is a grain of truth about that, and i do admit that i have some codependency issues. I already felt hurt about how ice cold/bordering on abusive, my BPDGF can be, and then to hear that, was like being cut with a double edge sword. I feel that maybe i get a bit too attached to people, but my GF, doesnt seem to get attached at all.
  I know i need work on my end, first of all, not to attract these types of people, and learn the red flags, and what brought me here to begin with. But i feel its much closer to normal, to care a bit more about people, than to care less, about them and their feelings. Can anyone comment on this? Am i not seeing my own self clearly in this situation? or am i dealing with a T that doesnt have a lot of experience with BPD? or what? thanks for all your comments, its much appreciated.

[rock and a hardplace]

Something that really hurts me deeply about my relationship with my BPDGF is-- that it doesnt seem that she loves me in the same way(not unconditionally), or as deeply as i do her, she can change her feelings like the wind, or compartmentalize them, whenever she feels like it.  I figure thats due to her having an attachment disorder,that typically goes along with BPD, and her inability to form deep attachments to people. But of course just knowing that, doesnt make it hurt any less.
  So when i was in talking with my T, i told her about this, and how it makes me feel, and she said to me, how do i expect her(my gf), to make any significant changes with her disorder? She said you seem to have too much of an attachment to her, and you havent been able to change yourself, so why should she be able to change herself? and that cut/hurt deeply. I guess there is a grain of truth about that, and i do admit that i have some codependency issues. I already felt hurt about how ice cold/bordering on abusive, my BPDGF can be, and then to hear that, was like being cut with a double edge sword. I feel that maybe i get a bit too attached to people, but my GF, doesnt seem to get attached at all.
  I know i need work on my end, first of all, not to attract these types of people, and learn the red flags, and what brought me here to begin with. But i feel its much closer to normal, to care a bit more about people, than to care less, about them and their feelings. Can anyone comment on this? Am i not seeing my own self clearly in this situation? or am i dealing with a T that doesnt have a lot of experience with BPD? or what? thanks for all your comments, its much appreciated.

[OnceConfused]

Something that really hurts me deeply about my relationship with my BPDGF is-- that it doesnt seem that she loves me in the same way(not unconditionally), or as deeply as i do her

Ask yourself the question, "why am i feeling hurt when she does not love me the same way as I her?"

Go back to your past, look for similar feelings in different circumstances. This will help you see a pattern of yourself. Decide whether that is healthy or not? if it is not then what you should do to change yourself?

If you don't see the reason then you will opt to repeat again with the next person and the next.  That expectation of someone must love you as much as you love them, is a lot of burden to put on that someone else. You are setting them up for failure in your r.s, whether or not they are BPD.

Keep on caring about others, about their feeling, but care less of how they care about you.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[rock and a hardplace]

Thanks for your response. I agree with the first part of what you said. But as far as caring less about how someone cares for me. In this situation i dont agree, as my BPDGF, has not only been extremely detached, but is often times overtly abusive, and this i dont feel i have to accept, and it doesnt warrant the love i show her.

[Sensitive Man]

The cuts and the hurts are really deep when it is blatant abuse. The cuts and the hurts are really deep for me when like you say, the BPD will change just like the wind. The cuts and the hurts are temporarily healed when my BPDw feels good, but then, she gets on her high horse to feel superior. The cuts and the hurts are really deep now, because I cannot trust her, because she has contradicted herself, negating any possibility of any improvement. Today, she feels happy. Tomorrow, who knows? The next day, she will have a bad day and verbally lash out, being verbally abusive, because she is like the wind or a wounded animal. All you, I, and all nonBPDs can do is to try to shield ourselves from this, but it is not guarantee. ?

[patientandclear]

Your therapist's advice puzzles me as does some of the response you've received so far here.  I can't grasp how anyone could advise you that there is anything wrong with your feeling that you want a reciprocal and basically equal emotional partnership.  That's what most healthy people want.  It's fine to accept that you probably can't get that in this or any BPD r/s, but that's different from saying you should gve up that expectation in general.  If your path leads out of your current r/s and you are contemplating another down the road, I sincerely hope you hang onto that idea of what it is supposed to be lke tovoluntarily share your life with another adult.  This isn't a sentence we're serving, it's a choice, and your expectations are reasonable & healthy--just maybe not realizable in this r/s.  Which has implications perhaps.

Maybe your T is pushing you subtly to see that your hopes are not achievable within the framework of this r/s?

[123Phoebe]

What I'm getting out of your therapist's advice, which I think is pretty thought provoking, is this (because therapy really is for the one seeking it, not the person they're having problems with ):

Why do you 'unconditionally love' your girlfriend when she treats you the way she does?

In what ways have you been able to detach yourself from her ice cold/bordering on abusive behaviors?

How easy is it to change your feelings towards her?  Behaviors with her?  In other words, change yourself?

Now multiply that by BPD and can you see how difficult it is for your girlfriend to change?

It sounds like your therapist might be asking you to take the focus off of your girlfriend and put it on you, in a round-about-way.  So instead of feeling cut by a double-edged sword, really think about it and do some soul-searching

Also, as far as I'm concerned, 'unconditional love' is a mythical trap when in a romantic relationship.  That's not to say don't feel and care deeply for others... but unconditionally?  There must be conditions, boundaries, moral rules of self etc...  Those are what separate ourselves from others and make us unique.  Otherwise, we set ourselves up by putting up with anything and becoming resentful.  Which leads to more problems...


   

[rock and a hardplace]

Thanks hanging in there loosely, phoebe, and patient and clear, for all your good pointers. Much appreciated. rock

[OnceConfused]

Rock:

I agree that in a LOVING r.s. the feeling of love must be mutual.  If you love someone and it is ok to expect to be LOVED back. What I am saying is if the other person does not love you back the same way, then instead of feeling hurt deeply, you can just simply say, OK I accept this and move on to the next r.s. This way you don't have to linger on someone who is not on your frequency.