NC by BPD "friend"

[Think About It...]

longtime, long distance "friend" gives over one month silent treatment, verbally abusive, raging, irrational, over perceived wrongdoing YEARS AGO (that any normal person would not react this way to)...says friendship is over...then calls to say doesn't want that, but that it will "not be the same friendship"...then initiates friendly, pleasant contact - talks mostly about self...then ignores call back/ contact attempts for days (texts, phone calls)...is this still more controlling, manipulating, recycling, push-pull? T asks what I am getting out of relationship - familiarity - not wanting to abandon longtime "friend"...remembering the good, fun times? Help! Has anyone else had this with just a friend...difficult to wrap head around and navigate BPD waters with a "friend" who lives far away...? Will "friend" change or just more of the same pattern...? (

[acknowledgement]

longtime, long distance "friend" gives over one month silent treatment, verbally abusive, raging, irrational, over perceived wrongdoing YEARS AGO (that any normal person would not react this way to)...says friendship is over...then calls to say doesn't want that, but that it will "not be the same friendship"...then initiates friendly, pleasant contact - talks mostly about self...then ignores call back/ contact attempts for days (texts, phone calls)...is this still more controlling, manipulating, recycling, push-pull? T asks what I am getting out of relationship - familiarity - not wanting to abandon longtime "friend"...remembering the good, fun times? Help! Has anyone else had this with just a friend...difficult to wrap head around and navigate BPD waters with a "friend" who lives far away...? Will "friend" change or just more of the same pattern...? (

[123Phoebe]

Hard to say.  Maybe she needs a little drama in her life?  I wouldn't worry too much about it though.  If she calls and you're in the mood to listen to her talk about herself, pick up and listen to her.  If you're not in the mood, don't pick up.  If she's avoiding your calls, I wouldn't call more.

says friendship is over...then calls to say doesn't want that, but that it will "not be the same friendship"...

And she's right!  It won't be, as she's changed the dynamic from one that was pleasant to one that is confusing and drama-filled

Don't feed into it and try to have the attitude of, 'Hmm, alrighty then...La la la, I'm livin' my awesome life'

[slop]

I totally have this same exact thing - been more than a year now.  And while the bad BPD stuff takes up more than 10% of our time together, almost 90% of it is taken up by the following.

For me, it's familiarity, the history/bond we share, the comfort/ease of communication (usually), not to mention not needing to even communicate and be comfortable just in each other's presence, (and not least of which are the times that we get intimate because they are more than amazing - much more so than previous partners I've been with). And this may be shallow on my part, but it just feels good being around someone as beautiful as she is.

True, things are usually about her, rarely about me, but again, the above seems to make it okay to me. But I know it's a dead end and I need to get out, it's just so tough.

[Validation78]

Hi Acknowledgement and all!
   You are posting on the staying board, so I am assuming that you want to maintain this friendship. One of your questions is will this pattern change? If you read about BPD and what it is, you will find that there are patterns, and no, they don't change unless the pwBPD wants them to change. What we talk and learn about here is what we can do to change, OURSELVES! Many of us acknowledge that we play a part in the dynamics of our relationships, and in order for the relationship to change, we must understand what it is we are dealing with, and how we participate! If you are truly interested in continuing this friendship, I would encourage you to read the lessons to your right as well as the books and articles available on the site. Yes, it's you putting forth all of the effort, but as you must accept, we only have control over ourselves!

Best Wishes,
Val78

[acknowledgement]

Thank you for your responses - I appreciate them all...yes, I think I want to maintain the friendship - I am struggling with the redefining, the abruptness of the change, learning about BPD does help, however, I am wondering if I want to be part of the drama, and there is some fear of being a victim of the irrational raging again, the calls being all about her (rapid fire talking without a breath...about herself, her life and then a quick "I have to go there is a call on the other line"...)...wondering do I keep my accomplishments, life, joys, sorrows to myself (don't want her to feel "inadequate")...wondering if this is a "friendship" at all...I suppose time will tell and unveil and redefine the parameters of it...until then, I will keep learning...any advice about the contact - "take turns" calling (she often keeps track of who called last, how many days in between the call, etc.), call whenever I feel like it and if she responds keep it BIFF or wait for her to reach out? It never used to be this effort - it was just free flowing and so comfortable...(MINUS the 2-3 incidents of irrationality over the years)...

[shatra]

Hi
 Slop wrote---
True, things are usually about her, rarely about me,

====What happens if you bring yourself into the discussion or talk about your interests?

Acknowledg====
    This sounds like typical BPD behavior. It may help for you to not take it personally.

SHatra

[slop]

====What happens if you bring yourself into the discussion or talk about your interests?

She "listens", by which I mean she pretends to listen. And I know because she asks ZERO questions about whatever I may be telling her - even though I keep it purposely vague so as to garner questions. And when I mention something at a later date alluding to things I had told her, she has ZERO idea what I'm talking about, again revealing that she never listened.

Seems the only times that she does recall things I have said are things she twists and takes out of context so as to better drive her "rage" episodes.

[Validation78]

Hi All!
   One thing we all have to remember, and the concept of radical acceptance helps with this, is that pwBPD are mentally ill, and the CANNOT behave and react to many typical situations and discussions the way many people would. The more we focus on unrealistic expectations, the more we feel like victims. In order to stop feeling like a victim, you must accept the reality! No, it's not fair, and it probably never will be. That's reality! It's why we must take care of ourselves, and seek validation and empathy from our support system. We won't get it from pwBPD!

Best Wishes,
Val78