Concerns about T

[Think About It...]

I was stuck where I was, still trying my old tricks of control and making him the bad guy in may subtle and not so subtle ways. He left when he realized that our relationship was toxic to him and that he couldnt get well with me.

This is a great thread, and I don't mean to hijack it, but Steph, I am trying to figure out where I fit into the dysfunction in my relationship, and would be interested in hearing more on this, if you can clarify what you were doing that was controlling and making him into the bad guy. (please?) My H is not in T but the more I can learn about my own part in this the better (I am also codependent and just joined CODA not long ago)

[Jagged]

I was stuck where I was, still trying my old tricks of control and making him the bad guy in may subtle and not so subtle ways. He left when he realized that our relationship was toxic to him and that he couldnt get well with me.

This is a great thread, and I don't mean to hijack it, but Steph, I am trying to figure out where I fit into the dysfunction in my relationship, and would be interested in hearing more on this, if you can clarify what you were doing that was controlling and making him into the bad guy. (please?) My H is not in T but the more I can learn about my own part in this the better (I am also codependent and just joined CODA not long ago)

[Dynamic]

One of the criteria I used was that the T have a PhD.  

Not that this guarantees anything, but I was hoping it would increase the depth of knowledge (and my wife is crazy smart, so if you arent able to keep up with her she can bury you pretty quickly)

I didnt care what the specific field of study was.

Also we tried a couple different Psychiatrists.  They are able to prescribe meds.  But perhaps because of the title of Psychiatry, they never clicked with my wife (because only crazy people go to see a Psychiatrist, whereas regular folk go see 'counselors').  There is a term 'counselor' that is loosely used as well.  

yeeter,
I think I saw a few Ts who had PhDs when I was researching. I can see why you look out for them. It is worthy to check out the link for the discussion about choosing Ts. http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=38862.0  Green Mango, thanks for the link. Tara4BPD site also lists questions to ask T.

I admire your tenacity in researching for suitable Ts in spite of so many unsuccessful attempts with Ts, taking the steps to improve your r/s, taking care of your kids while working at a full time job.
    

[Dynamic]

I was stuck where I was, still trying my old tricks of control and making him the bad guy in may subtle and not so subtle ways. He left when he realized that our relationship was toxic to him and that he couldnt get well with me.

This is a great thread, and I don't mean to hijack it, but Steph, I am trying to figure out where I fit into the dysfunction in my relationship, and would be interested in hearing more on this, if you can clarify what you were doing that was controlling and making him into the bad guy. (please?) My H is not in T but the more I can learn about my own part in this the better (I am also codependent and just joined CODA not long ago)

Jagged,
No problem. Your questions are welcome. Actually I also thought of asking Steph the same question.

[Dynamic]

After another dysregulation (worse than ever) by my h last weekend, he has again declared that he is ready to start MC & told me to contact the psychologist I was in touch before or else he can always contact our insurance to get help looking for Ts. For now, he contacted his T (who does not specialize in PDs) & got an appointment with her for tomorrow - 30 mins with me, 30 mins with him. Knowing that MC will not work for us, I suggested that we can decide about MC after we get suggestions from his T.

The problem is one part of me screams that I am on the right track & suggest to him that he see the psychologist I chose. But there is a possibility that he may go back on his word to seek T & avoid it since it was my suggestion to see that T, never mind him realizing the time & effort I put to find a suitable P/T for him.

On the other hand, recently he is realizing that things are really bad between us & he is admitting that something is wrong with him & he needs help. Can I take the risk of leaving it to him to look for a T? The thing is though he admits that something is wrong with him, he also gave me a big list of bothering issues (including problems with me, at work, etc). He did not describe(probably could not) what is happening to him, which was the purpose of me asking him what was bothering him, after which he gave me the list of worrisome issues. If he is going to report the same or give a gist of that to the insurance people while asking help to find a suitable T, I have a bad feeling that since they do not know the exact scenario, they cannot suggest a suitable T. There are chances that he will just land up with another T/P who does not specialize in personality disorders. On the other hand, if he wants to take initiative to improve the situation, he will be more motivated to continue T. I am tired of doing his work for him, which only backfires on me with the problem not solved & another reason for him to blame me.

For both options, keep in mind that he does not even suspect that he has a personality disorder & obviously I cannot tell him.

What I have in mind to approach this problem:
1. I have always wanted to meet his T to know what she did during sessions, why she did EMDR, what h told her. Not sure whether she will tell me, but I am going to ask anyway.
2. Ask her why she had asked me consult a psychologist & why she asked me some questions about my h during a session last year. I am assuming that she was trying to give me a message & narrow down on what was going on, I am not sure. Btw, I did not see that psychologist of her choice & I could not answer her question about my h truthfully, due to shame. Also, I did not know about BPD then.
3. Let her know my situation & how I am struggling with my r/s with h. If I know that she is not aware of his problem (after she answers to my questions above) then I will share my suspicions that he might have BPD/NPD. If she already knows, then I will let her know how bad the situation is now.
4. Let her know about my research about PDs & selection of psychologist.
5. Ask her suggestions for next step/referrals for suitable T/P as well.

I suppose I should request his T beforehand that she not share what I told her with my h. I am not sure whether she will agree.

[yeeter]

Hi Dynamic!

Well... I can see why you want to approach carefully.  But some good stuff in here (it seems to me at least).

First, your H took the initiative to book an appointment!      This seems good.  AND - he took the initiative to book half the time for YOU to talk to the T.

I think I would go into with just that.  Maybe ask your H if there were specific things that he felt would be helpful for you to cover with his T (after all, its his T).  Did he suggest why he felt it would be useful for you to meet with HIS T?  (he must have a reason).

Then I think I would show up and ask the T first thing, what she thought would be the most useful way to use the time with you?  Likely she has some background/context based on what he has represented that they would have some areas to learn more about.

Whether you share your suspicions of BPD with the T or not - Im not so sure its a great idea.  I might wait and see what she says.  Given some of the prior comments you have regarding her approach, I dont think I would be comfortable completely leveling with her until there was more interaction and I understood where she was coming from more.  (just me - will see what other say) - but I think you are right to be careful/cautious!

I also dont think that ALL T's are completely unbiased.  So suggesting a different T is somewhat a threat to her (her ego, and her income - call me cynical).

I think its great to ask her directly why she thought you should see a Psychologist.  And, assuming you have done this, I might share what the P's feedback was.  In fact, I have always offered for the T's to discuss directly with each other my case (and sign some release forms to allow them to share with each other).  Have her call your P and discuss directly - this is a great way to provide unbiased third party validated feedback.

As always, I would try very very hard not to make it all about 'his problems' or he being the primary cause of relationship failure.  As you know - this is the message I get with most of your posts.  Its all his fault.  This approach generally turns T's off at the get go, and my experience has been its much better to avoid offering what you think 'his' problems are unless prompted by the T.  I have better luck discussion what 'I' am struggling with in the relationship (which indirectly may be due to his actions, but it just gets received differently).      (I say this very respectfully, you are really working at this it is obvious)

Sharing your research and knowledge of personality disorders doesnt get my vote.  She will think you are playing armchair psychologist, and are only focused on 'his' stuff and not your part of the dance.  I would save that for session 4 or 5 or 6 after you get to know her better.

Definitely request/ask up front if she is going to share with your H.  Adjust your answers based on this (she may not agree to keep it confidential - she is HIS T after all).  If she doesnt agree, then you will have to assume you are talking directly to your H and adjust accordingly.

The list of worrisome issues seems like a breakthrough -maybe you can share with us some of the items that are on that list.  Is he willing to consider some of the T's that you have been able to offer?  (without telling him why/how you sourced them?)

My $.02   In a way its good that SOMETHING is happening?

[Dynamic]

Hi Dynamic!

Well... I can see why you want to approach carefully.  But some good stuff in here (it seems to me at least).

First, your H took the initiative to book an appointment!     This seems good.  AND - he took the initiative to book half the time for YOU to talk to the T.

I think I would go into with just that.  Maybe ask your H if there were specific things that he felt would be helpful for you to cover with his T (after all, its his T).  Did he suggest why he felt it would be useful for you to meet with HIS T?  (he must have a reason).

Sure, I can ask him what to cover with his T. No, he did not suggest why he felt it would be useful for me to meet with HIS T. I did not pursue on that path because he has always said that I cannot come to his T since that's what his T said. I think it is a first step to progress that he wants me to come along. I did not suggest it. All I said was (after he told me that he had asked his T whether I can come along) that I can come. I am assuming it was his T who suggested the 30mins time for each of us.

Then I think I would show up and ask the T first thing, what she thought would be the most useful way to use the time with you?  Likely she has some background/context based on what he has represented that they would have some areas to learn more about.

1. I have always wanted to meet his T to know what she did during sessions, why she did EMDR, what h told her. Not sure whether she will tell me, but I am going to ask anyway.

Good idea on asking his T about what would be the most useful way to use the time with me. I am expecting that she will share some background/context which was what I wanted to know as well (see my quote).

Whether you share your suspicions of BPD with the T or not - Im not so sure its a great idea.  I might wait and see what she says.  Given some of the prior comments you have regarding her approach, I dont think I would be comfortable completely leveling with her until there was more interaction and I understood where she was coming from more.  (just me - will see what other say) - but I think you are right to be careful/cautious!

Absolutely. Remember, that was not on top of my list. What his T shares about the background as represented by my h to her & what she thinks about it is key for my next step. I understand that very well. Btw, this is his T whom he has been seeing from Jan 2011, not the latest MC we were both seeing recently. This T does not specialize in PDs & was picked in random by my h from insurance website.

I also dont think that ALL T's are completely unbiased.  So suggesting a different T is somewhat a threat to her (her ego, and her income - call me cynical).

This T does not specialize in PDs & was picked in random by my h from insurance website. This again depends on her response & what was shared with her by my h & which I hope she herself will provide referrals so I don't even have to ask for it.

I think its great to ask her directly why she thought you should see a Psychologist.  And, assuming you have done this, I might share what the P's feedback was.  In fact, I have always offered for the T's to discuss directly with each other my case (and sign some release forms to allow them to share with each other).  Have her call your P and discuss directly - this is a great way to provide unbiased third party validated feedback.

This is very interesting actually. The thing is she suggested a name, but did not tell whether that person is a T or psychologist. After session with his T last year, I called that person & talked to her over phone & described that we have frequent arguments & having trouble getting along. This person told me that she is not the right person to help us. At that time, I missed seeing why his T had specifically asked me to see this person but that person is saying that she cannot help us. I did not know about BPD then. All that time I was under the opinion that this person was a T. Anyways, I did not see that P because of her response.

Recently, I looked up that person again & found out that she is psychologist & not a T. I even asked my h as to why his T had asked me to consult a psychologist. I am trying to remember what my h replied, but I can't recollect. (Hopefully I will remember so that I can update you all.) I think when & if his T shares what my h told her, it will explain that part. Maybe h blamed me for the problem between us or T suspected something about h or me or both (from what h told her), I don't know.

But h is seeing a psychiatrist & probably I can hint that to his T (making sure she does not tell h that I told her) or suggest to h that he tell that to T & give her permission, if he has not already done that.

As always, I would try very very hard not to make it all about 'his problems' or he being the primary cause of relationship failure.  As you know - this is the message I get with most of your posts.  Its all his fault.  This approach generally turns T's off at the get go, and my experience has been its much better to avoid offering what you think 'his' problems are unless prompted by the T.  I have better luck discussion what 'I' am struggling with in the relationship (which indirectly may be due to his actions, but it just gets received differently).     (I say this very respectfully, you are really working at this it is obvious)

3. Let her know my situation & how I am struggling with my r/s with h. I will let her know how bad the situation is now.

yeeter,
I don't understand why you feel that all my posts give the message it's all my h's fault. I strongly agree that I also have a part in this mess & I am working on that sincerely for the past 3 months since I learned about BPD & have an awareness as to how to treat highly emotional people, whether they have BPD or not. On the other hand, if I get coffee thrown on me (which is what happened last weekend), then SOMETHING is seriously is not right. Should I accept that as my fault? In all these years, only recently I am hearing my h himself saying (at least when he is normal) that he is the one to blame & he could feel something going on in his brain.    

Sharing your research and knowledge of personality disorders doesnt get my vote.  She will think you are playing armchair psychologist, and are only focused on 'his' stuff and not your part of the dance.  I would save that for session 4 or 5 or 6 after you get to know her better.

I agree with you about not sharing my research & knowledge of PDs right away. I was/am planning on bringing it up later. I included the sharing the research & knowledge as part of my plan that I have in mind but ONLY after I know what his T has to say.

Definitely request/ask up front if she is going to share with your H.  Adjust your answers based on this (she may not agree to keep it confidential - she is HIS T after all).  If she doesnt agree, then you will have to assume you are talking directly to your H and adjust accordingly.

With the bad experience with the last MC & the fact that this T is HIS T, I will ask her right at the beginning of my session. Sure, I totally understand how it is going to be be if she does not agree to be confidential. I respect that, after all it is HIS T. I will repond accordingly if she does not agree.

The list of worrisome issues seems like a breakthrough -maybe you can share with us some of the items that are on that list.  Is he willing to consider some of the T's that you have been able to offer?  (without telling him why/how you sourced them?)
My $.02   In a way its good that SOMETHING is happening?

Honestly, it was an exhausting list, but an eye opener.
1. He is loner, no friends or relatives to share. (I am not a loner, but I have only you all to share with)
2. His Family not in this country. (Mine too)
3. Horrible work situation. (I am struggling to find a job, cannot concentrate on taking a challenging exam with the situation at home)
4. Kids not high achievers as he expected. It could have been different if we had stayed in our country. (They are basically good kids & are not into trouble, for which I am thankful. Eldest son is on his own & getting good pay for his age. Younger son who is doing not so bad in college. Who knows what would have happened if we were in our country?)
5. R/S problems with spouse. (Me too  )
6. He has noone.   He is happy only the 10 mins he talks to his mom(living in our country) (Ouch! His mom treats him like a small boy who cries for everything, which unfortunatly I cannot do. I do not depend on external source for happiness.)
7. He is a total failure in all respects & roles (He had left out his role as a son) (It is puzzling to me why 2 educated & intelligent people cannot make it work.)
8. Life has no meaning/expectation. (Me too)

He also added that he is waiting for a miracle to happen.   (Like that is going to happen!)  

He showed keen interest in seeing the P I have in mind & no, I did share the basis of my selection. Btw, the psychologist I mentioned, replied saying that she is trained in DBT but does not specialize in treating PDs. Whatever that means!

Yes, I am glad that something good is happening.

[Dynamic]

yeeter,
Hope I can get a feedback on whether it is best
a) to go with the P of my choice (narrowed it down to certain extent so we can move a step ahead) or
b) let h take the initiative to find one himself (so hopefully he will continue T knowing that it is his selection & not go back & forth in seeing T if it were my selection, but efforts may be wasted not knowing what to look for & if he lands with wrong person).

[yeeter]

yeeter,
Hope I can get a feedback on whether it is best
a) to go with the P of my choice (narrowed it down to certain extent so we can move a step ahead) or
b) let h take the initiative to find one himself (so hopefully he will continue T knowing that it is his selection & not go back & forth in seeing T if it were my selection, but efforts may be wasted not knowing what to look for & if he lands with wrong person).

The easy ones first:  If you can influence the T he see's, DO IT!  You have put much thought and effort into it, and the only downside would be if he rejects it just because it came from you.  But if you see a way, yes yes yes.  What T is used DOES make a difference.  (ya - its all on you to do the work but who cares!  On this one its worth it and you HAVE done the work so reap the benefits!)

yeeter,
I don't understand why you feel that all my posts give the message it's all my h's fault. I strongly agree that I also have a part in this mess & I am working on that sincerely for the past 3 months since I learned about BPD & have an awareness as to how to treat highly emotional people, whether they have BPD or not. On the other hand, if I get coffee thrown on me (which is what happened last weekend), then SOMETHING is seriously is not right. Should I accept that as my fault? In all these years, only recently I am hearing my h himself saying (at least when he is normal) that he is the one to blame & he could feel something going on in his brain.   

To be clear Dynamic, I think you are doing great.      And take my advice for what it cost you - I like to say, Advice is always free unless you TAKE it! 

Nobody should be subjected to coffee being thrown in their face, and no doubt your husband has issues.

But there is something in the posts that, for me, feel like a lot of energy spent focused on your H and his problems and diagnosing him and things being his fault, etc.  I dont know - and maybe its me and how I am filtering.  Maybe do a word count on all your posts and see what % of the text is talking about 'him', and what % is spent talking about 'you'.  Because after all, you cant fix him, you cant control him.  You can suggest.  You can try to influence.  But at the end of the day he may or may not do a dang thing.  It would be great to see more of your energy spent on what YOU are doing, how you are doing, what learnings and growing you are experience - completely independent of what your H is, or is not doing.  Get your mind consumed by your own goals/aspirations/living vs spending all your energies focused on him.

Its just the way it comes across to me - and Im only one.  And Im wrong a lot so take it for what its worth. 

Again, your doing great and making great progress towards learning and sorting it all out.  Jeesh... how much energy did you put into researchig a T?  Incredible, and I hope it can somehow be put in position to pay dividends for you.

That list he gave you is solid gold.  Its whats going on in his mind, and the secret code to validation.  If somehow you can work on validating the emotional elements that he shared in the list, I bet it would go a long long ways for him to be feeling heard.  Maybe pick one at a time and spend a couple days validating in various ways.  Then after a few days move on to the next.  OF COURSE many of them are not based on reality and nothing you can do and you might feel the same way, but thats the whole point of validation - its an exercise in acknowledging his emotions (its not about you, and its not about reality or facts or anything else - its just about the way he is feeling and experiencing things)

Just the fact that he shared it means he has some element of trust in you still, which I think is a very positive sign.

Good luck and I hope the T goes well!  (of course you are going to give us the report on how it plays out!)     

[Dynamic]

The easy ones first:  If you can influence the T he see's, DO IT!  You have put much thought and effort into it, and the only downside would be if he rejects it just because it came from you.  But if you see a way, yes yes yes.  What T is used DOES make a difference.  (ya - its all on you to do the work but who cares!  On this one its worth it and you HAVE done the work so reap the benefits!)

yeeter,
Are you saying that h see the P that I have selected after convincing his T?

But there is something in the posts that, for me, feel like a lot of energy spent focused on your H and his problems and diagnosing him and things being his fault, etc.  I dont know - and maybe its me and how I am filtering.  Maybe do a word count on all your posts and see what % of the text is talking about 'him', and what % is spent talking about 'you'.  Because after all, you cant fix him, you cant control him.  You can suggest.  You can try to influence.  But at the end of the day he may or may not do a dang thing.  It would be great to see more of your energy spent on what YOU are doing, how you are doing, what learnings and growing you are experience - completely independent of what your H is, or is not doing.  Get your mind consumed by your own goals/aspirations/living vs spending all your energies focused on him.

Its just the way it comes across to me - and Im only one.  And Im wrong a lot so take it for what its worth.

If each non does a word count, I suppose the % of the text will be more about pwBPD. I know I cannot fix or control him. But it is so hard for me to even do my part including trying to work on built up resentment when I am treated worse & worse day by day. After he threw coffee, I took a time out sitting in the car which was in the garage since I was still in my nightdress & could not go out. Even then, he called my parents (it was 12:30 in the night in our country) but cut the call when he heard my brother's voice. In addition to insulting me, he is creating havoc by calling them in the night & this has happened many times. He also called my mother all sorts of bad names & asked whether my mother is turning me against him.

Just the night before that incident happened, during another dysregulating episode he told me that he is having doubts that some man is coming through the door in the night. (I sleep in a room which has a door to the backyard.) All my intentions to focus on myself gets bulldozed down with these frequent abusive words when I have no choice to hear, especially when it is in the night time when I cannot go out. I just locked myself into the bathroom without uttering a word & came out about 30 mins later when I heard him go to the bedroom.

Again, your doing great and making great progress towards learning and sorting it all out.  Jeesh... how much energy did you put into researchig a T?  Incredible, and I hope it can somehow be put in position to pay dividends for you.

That list he gave you is solid gold.  Its whats going on in his mind, and the secret code to validation.  If somehow you can work on validating the emotional elements that he shared in the list, I bet it would go a long long ways for him to be feeling heard.  Maybe pick one at a time and spend a couple days validating in various ways.  Then after a few days move on to the next.  OF COURSE many of them are not based on reality and nothing you can do and you might feel the same way, but thats the whole point of validation - its an exercise in acknowledging his emotions (its not about you, and its not about reality or facts or anything else - its just about the way he is feeling and experiencing things)

Just the fact that he shared it means he has some element of trust in you still, which I think is a very positive sign.

Good luck and I hope the T goes well!  (of course you are going to give us the report on how it plays out!)    

The list is good to start with, in addition that he trusts me to a certain extent. I will work on it once I have recovered. I will make sure to be prepared to leave in an instant when the need arises thereby avoiding the situation to escalate. If it is night time, there is always the bathroom. 

[yeeter]

I got the impression that somehow HE might be open to other T choices.  This would be best (because again, Im skeptical if a T can be self aware themselves enough to step away and recommend a different T).  My gut says there is a high likelihood if left to the T to decide, they will decide that they are them self best equipped to deal with it (even if unlikely to be the case) 

If you can somehow serve up a different choice on a silver platter to where he would consider it, it would be great. 

If he made this one, can you make a different one and ask him to see your choice if you go see his choice?  (tricky, cause you dont want it to be another battle)

Do you have any friends you see regularly?  Activities you enjoy?  Eating well?  Getting sleep?  Hydrated?  How are you taking care of yourself through all this?

[Dynamic]

I got the impression that somehow HE might be open to other T choices.  This would be best (because again, Im skeptical if a T can be self aware themselves enough to step away and recommend a different T).  My gut says there is a high likelihood if left to the T to decide, they will decide that they are them self best equipped to deal with it (even if unlikely to be the case)  

If you can somehow serve up a different choice on a silver platter to where he would consider it, it would be great.  

If he made this one, can you make a different one and ask him to see your choice if you go see his choice?  (tricky, cause you dont want it to be another battle)

Do you have any friends you see regularly?  Activities you enjoy?  Eating well?  Getting sleep?  Hydrated?  How are you taking care of yourself through all this?

When he is normal, he is ready to see T/P of my choice. When he dysregulates, it is a different story.

There is a chance that his T might feel that she can handle it. But the few times I have seen her, she seemed reasonable & I wanted to keep her as my T.    I also told that to my h & he was very happy that I liked & approved his T since he had selected her & that too in random without getting any referrals from anyone. Also, his T is a strict follower of ethics as a therapist (she refused to answer my email or return my call but informed my h that if I need to say something it has to be in a session in my h's presence or with his knowledge).

I see what you mean in not making it obvious that T/P was my selection so that he will not avoid it. After last weekend, he sounded very earnest in seeing the P that I had in mind. I am being cautious into quickly following that path since I don't want it to backfire.

Then again, I did contact the P to ask when she is available.   The thing is this P specializes in trauma patients only. The other P (got her through behaviorialtech website) replied saying that she does not specialize in PDs although she has advanced DBT training. Does that make sense to you? I cannot make any sense of that & she did not answer that part when I asked to clarify. I will contact her again to clarify that.

I do have friends but cannot discuss openly with them about my r/s problems with h. However I know a doctor who is from my country. I can contact her & ask her guidance. I am active in a social networking site & enjoy interacting with friends especially my school mates since elementary school.

I enjoy talking to my mom about everything under the sun except I save her the misery by not elaborating talking about my h (so she does not worry & I use the quality time effectively without talking about h) & focus on checking on her, my Dad & their health. I also catch up with what is going with my relatives & things in our country.

I watch movies & TV programs (both local & my country) focusing on family, comedy & adventure. I am also watching the Olympics & closely following my favorite events.  

I am focusing on myself by going to the gym since one of my goals is to reduce weight & get trim. I am eating properly & mindfully & enjoying the effect of endorphins kicking in & seeing visible results on my face, body as well as the scale. When I start going to the gym regularly, I usually stick to eating healthy food, drink lots of water & sleep soundly. Recently, I downloaded lot of songs to my iPod to hear while in the gym & thoroughly enjoy the healthy, 'absolutely me time'. I try to avoid watching the TV in the gym & challenge myself to meet a target of burned calories or outbeat what I burned during the previous workout. I also focus on interval training which is more beneficial in addition to doing weights.

My younger son is at home for summer so I enjoy spending quality time with him & enjoy cooking & watching his delighted face when he sees his favorite food. We (h, son & me) went out to see some movies when there was no war at home.   Generally, I am a positive person with a sense of humor. Can you tell?

I am also tackling the clutter in the house & have started disposing them by donating & throwing away whichever applies. There is a bunch of stuff which I am planning to sell as well. I am sure the space they leave will be put to better use, if not at least I will have clutter free space. All this has caused some rearranging which I love to do because of the visible results. It is a great feeling to have a neat & well organized house. It also makes me active & burn some more calories. I am also planning to organize the garage which I have been postponing for a long time.

The most important thing I want to focus on is to prepare for a very challenging exam for which I qualified for after taking lot of tough courses. I understand that there is not going to be a perfect or ideal time to take it with my never ending responsibilities & the situation at home will take its time to improve & I just have to register for the exam giving enough time for me to prepare properly, regardless of other issues. This is my top priority as I want to effectively utilize my time now that I am an empty nester.

Also, I want to start volunteering with companies related to my chosen career which will come in handy once I pass the exam. Volunteering will also get my foot into the door since I have been out of work for some years.

There yeeter, I just increased the % of text about myself.  

[yeeter]

There yeeter, I just increased the % of text about myself.  

I like it! 

There is a chance that his T might feel that she can handle it. But the few times I have seen her, she seemed reasonable & I wanted to keep her as my T.    I also told that to my h & he was very happy that I liked & approved his T since he had selected her & that too in random without getting any referrals from anyone.

Im confused.  I thought you wanted a different T for him?  And your T and his T are the same?  (and for some reason I was remembering the T sending him an email you had sent to her, but she copied him on the reply - which seemed a little questionable along with a couple other things she had said  - Im sorry, I might have gotten this confused with someone elses post)

You want him to see a different T - but you told him his T was very reasonable and you wanted to keep her for your T as well? 

I would recommend two different T's, one for each of you, and let the T's connect on their own to calibrate.

Maybe the one P doesnt 'specialize' in PD, but just has the DBT training (meaning she handles them but doesnt 'specialize' in them).

To me, Im not sure I see the distinction between a P and a T?  (might be where part of my confusion is coming from).  Are you suggesting doing BOTH?  (seeing a T, and then also seeing a P?)

[Dynamic]

yeeter,
Sorry for the misunderstanding. My h has been seeing his T from last year when I did not know about BPD. I went with him for one session & was impressed with her so much that I said that it will be great to have a T like her. This T is my h's OWN T.

H's T was selected by him at random & she is not specialized in PDs. This year he saw her only a few times & is not seeing her regularly. Due to the current situation really bad & h feeling very depressed, h got an appointment for today, where his T has agreed to allot 30 mins for me & 30 mins for him. That is all. I don't think I will be seeing his T on a regular basis, because she is HIS T.

The T who did MC & messed up with sending my email to h was the one we both were seeing recently after I knew about BPD. We stopped seeing her.

As far as I know a psychologist usually have PhD, do psych testing & provide T whereas T does only T work. I am not able to find a T who is in our network, specializes in PD, has DBT training & is reasonably closeby. But found a psychologist who is in our network, is closeby & has DBT training. I am still making calls & not finalized on the choice since noone met the 4 requirements so far. Maybe if I widen the search to Ts within 45 mins radius from us I would get more results.

Once I find a suitable T/P for h, he will probably need to stop seeing the current T. I will find a T for myself if necessary.

 

[Dynamic]

Last Thursday, we were supposed to see my h's T who had agreed to see him for 30 mins & me for 30 mins according to my h. But that afternoon my h called me & said that his T informed him that it is not appropriate to see me at this time. So he just went alone to see his T that evening. She had advised that h continue with EMDR & that we see a MC.

While talking with my h, he admitted that he did not complete taking the whole EMDR procedure his T had started last year. I was of the opinion that EMDR was completed & believed that it did not work since things are worse between us than last year. Now that know about BPD, I am not sure whether EMDR is right for him. As far as I know, his T is not in the right track since she is taking decisions solely based on what my h is telling her. I am of the opinion that h (if not lying) is conveniently not telling the truth about what is going on in our home.

I really have to find a suitable T soon.