clarity

[Think About It...]

My husband has had a moment of clarity where he knows that something is wrong with him.  He believes it is BPD because of the book slaking on eggshells that I "accidentally" left up.  He said he has always known he is messed up.  When he was 5 or 6 he walked in on his dad smashing his mothers head on the floor and blood was everywhere.  He then had to make a decision of who to save.  He chose his mother and took a lamp and smashed his father over the head over and over and when the paramedics came he still tried to kill him.  He ended up having court ordered psyciciatric help at the age of 8 (lots of other stuff happened between) where the psychiatrist told his mother that that they were sorry but there was nothing they could do to help him.  He believes this is why he has problems...but that he is the one that needs to be responsible and change.   Could this be the end of a lot of rages and the other stuff?  Or is this just a MOMENT of clarity?

[kimberlysc]

My husband has had a moment of clarity where he knows that something is wrong with him.  He believes it is BPD because of the book slaking on eggshells that I "accidentally" left up.  He said he has always known he is messed up.  When he was 5 or 6 he walked in on his dad smashing his mothers head on the floor and blood was everywhere.  He then had to make a decision of who to save.  He chose his mother and took a lamp and smashed his father over the head over and over and when the paramedics came he still tried to kill him.  He ended up having court ordered psyciciatric help at the age of 8 (lots of other stuff happened between) where the psychiatrist told his mother that that they were sorry but there was nothing they could do to help him.  He believes this is why he has problems...but that he is the one that needs to be responsible and change.   Could this be the end of a lot of rages and the other stuff?  Or is this just a MOMENT of clarity?

[yeeter]

Hi Kimberly,

You have been through a lot. 

When I read your post I wonder if this moment was brought about by YOU, and the changes you have been making to stand up for yourself and not own his stuff.

It's a long road, but each moment matters. 

If he is willing to read the book ( and also ' th high conflict couple'), and as a result is willing to seek help and stay with it.  A good sign.

The only way to know if it's just a moment, is by his ACTIONS going forward.
 

[Blazing Star]

Hi Kimberly,

Great that he has had this moment! Most likely this is not the end of rages etc, (as it takes more than clarity to stop that), but I think it is huge that he seems open and willing.

Could you use this moment to gently talk about recovery from BPD, seeking the proper treatment and working on it together, affirming that you love and care for him and want to see him happy and healthy?

This is such a positive step forward!

Love Blazing Star xx

[kimberlysc]

Yeeter:  you are probably right that it has to do with me standing up for myself...probably made him take a hard look at himself.  I haven't read high conflict couple yet.  He hates reading, he just saw what i was reading. And every single person on here has been through a tough time, i consider myself lucky i don't have to go through some of the things others do 

Blazing Star:  We did have the talk, after he had a 12 1/2 hour rage...has been rage free for 2 days, the most ever.

As for therapy?  That will be a no go.  There are not enough therapists where i live and he says he won't go back because they won't listen to him...is there anything else besides therapy?

[Validation78]

Hi Kimberly!
   It sounds like your h had a very traumatic childhood, and it's no wonder that he suffers as an adult! I truly hope that he reaches out for help in order to improve his life and marriage! My uBPDh came across some information on BPD last year and asked me if I thought he had it, that it sounded just like him. Today, he cringes at the mention of it, or any mental illness. He knows something is wrong, and is willing to get help, but refuses to label himself. I'm alright with that, as long as he is getting help!
   In the meantime, there are many things that you can do to improve the situation. If you haven't already done so, I would encourage you to read the lessons to the right as well as the many books about BPD (one of which you are already reading).
   Last, you didn't say, but I hope that you did not stick around for a 12.5 hour rage! If you did, you may want to rethink doing so in the future. Rages are abusive behaviors, and pwBPD get satisfaction from them while we nons are emotionally beaten down! Such a thing is not healthy, and should not be tolerated. Please look into taking a time out, and when the appropriate moment is to do so. It's hard to do, especially if there is no established patter of doing so. However, the conventional thinking here is that taking a time out, before a full blown rage occurs is what is best for us, and ultimately, the improvement of the relationship!

Best Wishes,
Val78

[Aida]

To both Kim and Validation78:

For both Kim and I, do you think you could elaborate on the "kind of help" your H was open to? My SO also cringes at labeling and the mere mention of mental illness, but she is willing to see a counselor if I go with her. The difficulty is, that she thinks her only problem lies with me, so she contorts and manipulates stories that keep her from dealing with her own issues of abandonment and her own frightening emotions. She often started raging in these sessions, and I watched the therapist lose her own cool when my SO started repeating the same things over and over.

We tried three other sessions with another therapist, and the same thing happened. The second therapist also raised her voice and even acknowledged that she felt very uncomfortable with her own reaction to my SO's raging. After that, I felt couples therapy was not healthy as it only exacerbated the acrimony in an already volitle and tenuous relationship. That is when I decided to work on myself, in my own therapy. I'm doing better there, and with the support of this site, than I have in the ten years I pushed my beloved to get therapy. And so is she---for now.

What do you think, Kim? Have you looked into the abuse center to get your own therapist?  I wish you and I could find the help our partners need. I do agree with Star, that his moment of clarity was a profound experience. He has reason to feel his own inner rage, but it simply cannot be directed at you. Has he made any suicide threats lately? My beloved has stopped. It is like she has found another source to direct her pain, and it is her artwork rather than thoughts of suicide. I know that this is not the end of her agony--or mine--but it's a start in a positive direction.

It sounds like your husband is still that frightened and raging six year old who witnessed and, subsequently, participated in, a violent act with his own parents. How brave he was to open up and share his horrific experience. Let's not give up hope that he will be open to the help he needs and, maybe, that is with your own therapy...

Love, hugs, and hope,

Aida

[kimberlysc]

Val- I do agree with the not labeling someone...and just saying traits.  Rages are long but I don't think they have an affect on me...just seems like an adult throwing a temper tantrum.  Having said that I don't want to go through another one either...I have a hard time recognizing these rages for what they are until they are about done.

Aida- I really don't think marriage counceling would be good in our case either..I can see blame coming up and ruining progress rapidly.  At the same time I don't know what kind of at home help would be good.  I think between here and the eggshell book is about as far as this will go.  No therapy yet..not thinking I really need to go. 
After I called the police the next 2 days were hell...then everything turned around..and no more suicide threats.  Isn't that like a huge relief when they stop?

[Validation78]

Kimberly:
   Of course you don't want to go through another rage, none of us does, which is precisely why we must take matters into our own hands, and not stick around. Here's a link to a lesson on when to take a time out. Maybe it will help to to recognize the rage before it starts:
http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=84942.0

Aida:
   The kind of help h is open to is:
Individual therapy for each of us
Couples counseling, to learn DBT skills
Attending church every week

We reached a crisis situation. I threw him out and told him I forgave him for all he had done, but that I was not willing to allow him to come back home unless we both made changes. The above were my terms, he had choices. He made the choice to agree to the terms, and we have made forward strides, and have moved back in together. We are not sailing off into any sunsets living happily ever after, but there are improvements, and I feel better, and so does he. I remain cautiously optimistic, and am committed to self improvement with or without him.

Best Wishes,
Val78