Wise mind: How to Stay Centered

[Think About It...]

Ever over react to a look, a phrase, a topic?  Many of us do.  We respond without thinking.
We can trigger and either:
~ attack the other person  (over emotional mind)
~ quietly be upset and feel victimized the other person  (over emotional mind)
~ deny our feeling and withdraw and don't discuss anything (over logical mind)

Our reaction contributes to how we feel about life - our happiness.  How many times have you over reacted to something that you later realized was unnecessary?  How many time have you had resentment that you probably didn't need to have?  How many time have you gon ethe othehr direction and denied your feelings?

Our reaction contributes to our relationship dynamics. Are you contributing to unhealthy patterns of unhappiness and distance?

Very little thought seems to go into our response. It seems natural for us to respond as we do.   When we simply "react" we often drive ourselves and others into negative place.

Why do we react?
Cause our prior patterns and beliefs are making things worse.
Cause our emotions are interfering.
Cause we are being reactive instead of proactive.
Cause we aren't considering our values when we are overly emotional.
Cause we aren't maintaining our own executive functions.

Wise Mind (<-- see workshop) means balancing our emotional and logical mind.



Wise Mind is free from the subjective viewpoint that sees issues only from their own position, complete with all biases, internal mental models, past hurts, family history and so on. Your subjective point of view is invariably different from everyone else's subjective viewpoint. This is where the conflict comes into play. Whose reality is correct?

When we say 'be of Wise Mind' we typically mean a number of things:

~   Be centered - balanced - not over emotional, not resigned
~   See things as they really are, not from a personally biased viewpoint.
~   Be empathetic, understanding others points of view.
~   Think in terms of realistic and optimistic / positive outcomes.

It sounds easy, yet breaking old patterns takes effort.

So in that spirit, how about we share some of the times when we did stay calm and we did engage our Wise Minds...

[united for now]

Ever over react to a look, a phrase, a topic?  Many of us do.  We respond without thinking.
We can trigger and either:
~ attack the other person  (over emotional mind)
~ quietly be upset and feel victimized the other person  (over emotional mind)
~ deny our feeling and withdraw and don't discuss anything (over logical mind)

Our reaction contributes to how we feel about life - our happiness.  How many times have you over reacted to something that you later realized was unnecessary?  How many time have you had resentment that you probably didn't need to have?  How many time have you gon ethe othehr direction and denied your feelings?

Our reaction contributes to our relationship dynamics. Are you contributing to unhealthy patterns of unhappiness and distance?

Very little thought seems to go into our response. It seems natural for us to respond as we do.   When we simply "react" we often drive ourselves and others into negative place.

Why do we react?
Cause our prior patterns and beliefs are making things worse.
Cause our emotions are interfering.
Cause we are being reactive instead of proactive.
Cause we aren't considering our values when we are overly emotional.
Cause we aren't maintaining our own executive functions.

Wise Mind (<-- see workshop) means balancing our emotional and logical mind.



Wise Mind is free from the subjective viewpoint that sees issues only from their own position, complete with all biases, internal mental models, past hurts, family history and so on. Your subjective point of view is invariably different from everyone else's subjective viewpoint. This is where the conflict comes into play. Whose reality is correct?

When we say 'be of Wise Mind' we typically mean a number of things:

~   Be centered - balanced - not over emotional, not resigned
~   See things as they really are, not from a personally biased viewpoint.
~   Be empathetic, understanding others points of view.
~   Think in terms of realistic and optimistic / positive outcomes.

It sounds easy, yet breaking old patterns takes effort.

So in that spirit, how about we share some of the times when we did stay calm and we did engage our Wise Minds...

[Validation78]

Good Morning!
   Last week, both my uBPDh and I used some of these DBT techniques to work through a situation that once upon a time would have been a disaster! We were on vacation, in a place I didn't really want to be, and it was HOT! I was crabby, and looking for excuses to leave, and find a place that was cool. H asked me what I wanted to do for the day, and I told him I just wanted to get cool, so I was going to leave, and maybe not come back for a couple of days. He was understandably upset by my statement, but he used his new tools to remain calm, and not attack me. He validated my feelings, and tried to calm me by saying that he understood why I would want to leave, he was hot too, that he would miss me but that I did commit to making dinner for the 25 visitors we were expecting that day. I then began to think logically, and was less emotional, admitted to being crabby and thanked him for understanding, not getting upset like he usually did, and allowing me to work through my feelings. I also validated his feelings of disappointment at the prospect of leaving for a few days. Instead, we negotiated a compromise to be comfortable with my leaving for the day, to cool off, and to come back and make dinner as I had volunteered to do! I had a nice day, cooled off, and h also had a nice day without a crabby me to overshadow it! I know most of us will tell stories about how we used these tools, and our pwBPD responded well, but I must applaud my h, he used them on me, and I am glad to say that he is working very hard to improve things too!

Best Wishes,
Val78

[Wanda]

This just happened this weekend.

My husband has BPD undiagnosed and he has improved but even though there are times he for no reason has to vent, rage.  This weekend he did over something real small.

I just kept calm and did alot of time outs and kept thinking this will pass soon so we can go back to where we were.

And we did but I hate it when we go through this, because it is so hard to stay so calm especially which I was in no mood this weekend.  

[lurchlookalike]

I understand Wanda. I'm sure it worked, but to live this way at home, formulizing everything you say and do just to make it liveable, well, enough said.

I appreciate what UFN is trying to do here, it is the staying board, I just think there's a price to pay over time for behaving this way, even though it may relieve the outward tension at home for the time being. But the inner tension of continuously acting contary to how you feel, that's another matter.

It seems more appropriate to use in a work environment, particularly on a boss you don't like and who doesn't really like you either. Keep it cool, keep it logical, objective, and keep it wise. That way you can stay on the job until he either gets fired, moves on, or gets promoted. But at home I see no end to it.

Yet, if it is doing some good, feels right and works for you, that's all the evidence you need.

[Triptoes]

A very worthwhile topic!

I have to say I have trouble with tuning into my Wise Mind, but have been trying to work on it with different mindfulness techniques. The most successful times for me have been when I have used "describing" (from The High Conflict Couple). Cannot remember the specifics of any situation at the moment, I've managed this so far only with a smaller conflicts (working my way up  ). It will be some situation, where I do or don't do something that my husband has expected and (secrectly) wished for, or vice versa. He gets upset. Before I would try to explain myself. Or I would just try to validate his feeling, but leave it at that (generally in these situations one or both of us would have to do something differently in order for the conflict to dissolve, so it doesn't work).

I feel like I have been in my Wise Mind, when I have simply taken a breath and then described the situation: "You had done X, then you did Y. You wanted, needed, hoped for or expected Z. Meanwhile, I had done X, then I did Y. I wanted, needed, hoped for or expected Y." No judgement. No: "this was wrong, because.." "that was justified, because.." or "it was acceptable, because.." Just account what happened, and what each of us felt. Then ask: "Do you think that's what happened?" And when we agree on that then say something like: "We had different expectations/wants/needs in this situation. How could we meet each other in that respect better? We could think of suggestions how to do that, do you want to start?"

If my H is already disregulated, it won't work, but if we're still both calm enough it has a good success rate. It gives us both a chance to recount: "Oh yeah, you felt that and I felt this." It helps to put what happened into words, see the script of how we ended up upset _

[Triptoes]

Oh, and Val78:

Great work from your husband!   It is wonderful that you are both working on these things together, I'm sure you encourage each other to try harder, and it's nice to be able to celebrate each others improvements. Well done both of you for staying grounded and working out a solution!

[Want2know]

I understand Wanda. I'm sure it worked, but to live this way at home, formulizing everything you say and do just to make it liveable, well, enough said.

Wise Mind is about correcting our own defects - not putting on a show for someone else.  

lurchlookalike, many people from the Leaving Board can greatly gain from applying this discipline to their own life.  How many posters have you read that bounce from logical mind ("this relationship isn't the best for me") to emotional mind ("darn, I miss her so much").  Emotional mind one day - seems to emotional - flip to logical mind for a few days - seems to not address my feelings - back to emotional mind...  Have you been there?

Wise Mind is bringing these two opposing processes together in harmony.  There is great benefit to get off the flip-flopping that is often done.

In relationships it helps too.  If you are triggering on what your partner says, you are bringing the emotional baggage from the past to bear and creating conflict.  Logically you could take every conversation on face value - but that is a bit shallow and risky.  Wise Mind is about balance/centering and awareness of these dynamics and the importance of listening to yourself in real time as you experience a challenging interface.

There are some great links for Wise Mind teaching aids here:
Triggering, Mindfulness and the Wise Mind

The tools taught at BPDFamily are about making our lives better. Learning validation, values & boundaries, SET communications, are all tools that will make us feel better and live better relationship in all aspects of our lives.

[flatspin]

I've been told that I was too rational, not enough emotional.

When everything was okey, I was the most patient man she ever met. I'm a mild/gentle and very calm tempered man. I don't openly show my feelings or mood, all the more so when I'm yelled at. Paradoxically, I don't care about insults, they're just words. As I told her, I'm like an oyster, if I feel attacked, I shut myself down. She didn't like that, she wanted a connection 24/7. I was sorry, I couldn't help it but I made huge efforts because I love her. Whenever she was ok, every second with her was/is honey in my heart and brain. She is an amazing person indeed and her ways kept/keep amazing me in many aspects. She said she was like a courageous hero/warrior always on the move. I told her that I was more like "The Art of War" by Sun Zu. I take my time, observe the enemy and "strike" whenever it matters the most. She thinks that it's time wasted. That's why she always thinks that I'm slooowwww, soooo slooowww... My temper didn't bother her always though. She often admitted that it is an asset, at times !

When she was dysregulated, she said that I didn't care about what she was telling me, which was wrong, obviously.

I'm not a seer, I can't guess what's going on if nobody tells me about it. I can't fake feelings to meet her emotional requirements if I don't know what happened. I begged her to share her feelings, all of them, but...

As the "High Conflict Couple" book says so pertinently :"if he loves me, he should know what I want, so I shouldn't have to say..." That's an heresy but sooo true, unfortunately ! That's what she started thinking.

One day, I was stupid because I didn't know much about BPD back then. She was very happy about something and told me her feelings. As she wanted immediate strong joyful reaction from me, which I couldn't do because of the distance and because we don't share life yet, she started being mad at me saying that I supposedly didn't care. Maybe that I wasn't in a great mood either and I told her : "Beh? Of course that I'm happy for you. It's not because it doesn't show that I don't share your feelings. Should I start dancing on the table so you understand that I'm happy for you." Well, she took it as it is but I don't remember her reactions right now. Back then, she would hang up on me over words and insult me and a few hours later, she would call me back in a joyful mood and I had to react the same as her. Most of the time, I would react according to her desires but I'm also flesh and bones.

I wish I knew then what I know now. At times, I feel guilty but as also know that I shouldn't demand perfection from me, it soothes my bleeding wounds.

Maybe that the wiser reactions for me would be to be more emotional, or maybe imitate her reactions and ways like in NLP somehow... I don't know...

UFN, your post is great ! Thanks for sharing ! On this website, I learn new things everyday.

EDIT: When I said that I don't care about insults, it's just that I know that what she says is wrong and irrational. I know that I'm not a weasel, dumb, dense, immature, shirker, jerk or whatever else she might say. In fact, as I had no reactions, she started being meaner till she found a point where it hurt. It hurts because the bashing never ends, because of the silent treatment and because she's impeding me from having the joy to do useful and concrete things in behalf of my family. That's where I must work on so as not to suffer from her ways.