Am I just over-reacting in the moment or is this justified?

[Think About It...]

So I was putting my son (8 years old) to bed tonight.  He tells me something that happened with his mom (my ex-wife...uBPDXW) yesterday.  She had texted me at work and asked to take him to the pool in my neighborhood (said he had been asking for her to take him all summer, which I believe because he had told me the same thing).

I said fine...my home is his home, as long as he's properly supervised and safe, he should be able to use the pool in his neighborhood.

Well, tonight, he says out of the blue while I'm giving him hugs and telling him g'nite that when they got to the pool yesterday, his mommy first had to shave her hair because so much was sticking out of her bathing suit down her legs, and then she had to flush all the hair down the toilet so it didn't leave a mess on the pool ladies room floor.

I'm like "uh..."  And thinking "OMG...the image...must scrub eyes to try to erase it!"  I was so creeped out it took me a minute to settle down and think "Wait...how exactly does he know this?"

So I asked.  And apparently she had him stand there in the bathroom with her and watch.  He then told me that her sister-in-law and SIL's son (older teen) had gone along.  Which is typical for uBPDXW to omit things like she's taking a larger crew to the pool in my neighborhood.

Now...I can understand not wanting a young child unsupervised at the pool, and if a parent needed to heed natures call...maybe it's appropriate to have kid in bathroom if kid can't follow direction and stay out of the water while parent is taking care of business.  However, I've made him sit out of the water for a minute many times.  He sits on a pool chair and waits for me to get back to get in the water.  AND...there were apparently other adults with her that could have watched him.

So...am I just over-reacting?  Is this as creepy as it seems?  My son said the experience was weird and was clearly sheepish and embaressed about it.  I figure he was looking for some kind of reassurance from me because he brought it up.  Sort of a "Dad, mom's acting weird and it bothers me.  Help!"  I tried to reassure him, but really have no idea what to say to him about it.

[Waddams]

So I was putting my son (8 years old) to bed tonight.  He tells me something that happened with his mom (my ex-wife...uBPDXW) yesterday.  She had texted me at work and asked to take him to the pool in my neighborhood (said he had been asking for her to take him all summer, which I believe because he had told me the same thing).

I said fine...my home is his home, as long as he's properly supervised and safe, he should be able to use the pool in his neighborhood.

Well, tonight, he says out of the blue while I'm giving him hugs and telling him g'nite that when they got to the pool yesterday, his mommy first had to shave her hair because so much was sticking out of her bathing suit down her legs, and then she had to flush all the hair down the toilet so it didn't leave a mess on the pool ladies room floor.

I'm like "uh..."  And thinking "OMG...the image...must scrub eyes to try to erase it!"  I was so creeped out it took me a minute to settle down and think "Wait...how exactly does he know this?"

So I asked.  And apparently she had him stand there in the bathroom with her and watch.  He then told me that her sister-in-law and SIL's son (older teen) had gone along.  Which is typical for uBPDXW to omit things like she's taking a larger crew to the pool in my neighborhood.

Now...I can understand not wanting a young child unsupervised at the pool, and if a parent needed to heed natures call...maybe it's appropriate to have kid in bathroom if kid can't follow direction and stay out of the water while parent is taking care of business.  However, I've made him sit out of the water for a minute many times.  He sits on a pool chair and waits for me to get back to get in the water.  AND...there were apparently other adults with her that could have watched him.

So...am I just over-reacting?  Is this as creepy as it seems?  My son said the experience was weird and was clearly sheepish and embaressed about it.  I figure he was looking for some kind of reassurance from me because he brought it up.  Sort of a "Dad, mom's acting weird and it bothers me.  Help!"  I tried to reassure him, but really have no idea what to say to him about it.

[tog]

I vote seriously creepy.

He's 8, not 3. And she wasn't just peeing, she was shaving her pubic hair. No reason he couldn't have stayed with SIL or the teen while she did that. Poor boundaries and very sexualized, and 8 is not too young to pick up on that.

YUCK. I would work on S8 being able to say to her, NO, MOM, I'm not doing that, for any future yucky stuff.  He's got to have good boundaries because she won't.

[Matt]

I vote seriously creepy.

He's 8, not 3. And she wasn't just peeing, she was shaving her pubic hair. No reason he couldn't have stayed with SIL or the teen while she did that. Poor boundaries and very sexualized, and 8 is not too young to pick up on that.

YUCK. I would work on S8 being able to say to her, NO, MOM, I'm not doing that, for any future yucky stuff.  He's got to have good boundaries because she won't.

My thoughts exactly.

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[whiteout]

My partner refuses to cover up with a towel or bathrobe when walking from the bathroom to the bedroom, or around the house for that matter.  She says I am overly sensitive.  Our girls, ages 11 and 13 don't like it at all, and I have asked her to be more respectful of their feelings about it.  She absolutely refuses.  I think my best bet is to help my kids process their feelings about it.  I am learning that she just doesn't get the boundary thing at all, and that when she is called on it she just puts me down. 

[tog]

Yep, I would work on the kids telling her they don't like it. And if that doesn't do the trick, then they learn how to deal with the fact that their mother has no boundaries. What else can you do?

[Matt]

Yep, I would work on the kids telling her they don't like it. And if that doesn't do the trick, then they learn how to deal with the fact that their mother has no boundaries. What else can you do?

Counseling for the kids.  Lack of boundaries can create huge problems for them later in life.  They need professional help to deal with this.

[tog]

In our case, the professional is a negative advocate and rewards/reinforces the poor boundaries, so we have to do it ourselves. Yes, we've tried to get a new one, court won't allow it.

[Waddams]

Thanks.     Nice to know normal thinking people think this story is gross.

S8's uBPDmom has final decision making about medical issues (thank you very much dumb judge!0 so getting him counseling for dealing w/ her crap is a tricky proposition.  Let's just say past attempts at counseling have been...interesting.  But I do have a report where a Ph.D put in writing that something is wrong with the mother/son relationship and needs to be addressed with professional help.  She has not acted on that recommendation.

I've just been encouraging him to politely and respectfully tell his mother that he's uncomfortable and he'd like to wait outside, etc.  If she refuses to let him, then I've told him to just turn his back, not watch, etc.  Basically trying to teach him to hold his boundaries without being mean/nasty about it.

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